The Truth Hurts; A tale of one man's journey to find the truth in his own life.

Spot Check

2011-02-22T23:49:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I wrote anything to my blog, and I am feeling a little guilty for being remiss in my writing. However, aside from simply checking in to inform those that read this, if in fact any remain, that I am still alive, I do not really have time tonight to update. Suffice to say, I am well, reasonably content in my circumstances, and looking forward to more positive changes as they happen. Life is pretty good lately, and I am truly blessed. Promise to write more later.

The two year rule

2011-01-13T01:59:00.000-08:00

I should be in bed. I have a busy day tomorrow, but I do not feel tired. I am again up in the middle of the night pondering thoughts and feelings, wondering to myself how I went from Point A to Point B. I did not recognize the transition, I just rather abstractly observed that something in fact had changed, and I was surprised.

I suppose it is like growing up. We are young one minute, thinking that this will go on forever, then suddenly, it is 25 years later and we look in the mirror at the old stranger who now stares back at us with wrinkles, gray hair, and looser skin. Long vanished is the healthy glow of youth, replaced by the scars of experience.

I remember how painful my separation and divorce was, how I bargained with God, myself, and even my ex wife to not let it end, not looking, nor caring then, how unhealthy the relationship was. For a time after I watched her drive away without so much as a glance back in the mirror, I still clung to the futile hope that if I just loved her, it would all work out in the end. And so it did... it worked out, but not as I hoped, nor as I planned.

I began to fill my time with activities, and made new friends. As time passed, the anger and hurt faded, replaced with a lesser form of love and acceptance. I realized that I had fallen out of love with my wife, and I began to realize how our relationship was unhealthy and codependent. More time passed, and I began to deal with some of my underlying issues, only to find that there were more issues for me to deal with. In time, perhaps because we started out as friends, we found that our friendship, albeit changed, was still there. To this day, I value her friendship above many others even though, honestly, there are times (and I say this with some alacrity) that I am glad we are no longer married.

Tonight I realized that I have fallen out of love again. It was just a matter of time, and Lord knows I tried to hang onto the love I felt. But the object of my affections quit returning my love long ago. The token gestures she has made over time has fallen woefully short of the love I needed. The person I fell in love with was not who I thought she was. Yet, for the longest time, oddly, about the same amount of time as it took me to come to the same realization with my ex wife, I clung to a dream that my heart wanted to believe in, which my mind told me time and time again was not ever going to happen.

So tonight when I realized that, although I allow myself to maintain some feelings for this person, they are not to the degree they once were. I have no real feelings of regret or remorse, nor even sadness. In fact, I think if I had to choose a single word for what I am feeling, the word would be relief. It is too bad though. I really had hoped for better things, but with the loss of trust and respect, and to a degree, a loss of faith in this person, I can no longer hold on to the dream. Maybe someday, I can have a real friendship with her, but for the longest time it has been pretty one sided.I just wonder why it takes me longer to learn than others.

I have come to a conclusion though... Since it takes me about two years to come to terms with a failed relationship, I am going to allow at least four years for any relationship I am in. Two years of dating and getting to know someone before getting serious, and if it falls apart then, two years to pull my head out of my ass. Seems like a good number anyway.

Getting a move on.

2011-01-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

I have not been feeling very well the past few days, and have accomplished very little. In the smallest sense, anyway, I do not feel I have been very productive. Today, accomplishing half of one chore outside made me feel a little better, but inside I have made several steps in the right direction. I still feel like shit, however. I have a doctor appointment two days hence, and I am both apprehensive about it, and looking forward to it at the same time. I do not like being in pain, and am hopeful that the doctor will take me seriously. It is not like I enjoy being in pain, but anymore doctors approach pain issues with kid gloves, and it is frustrating that many people are being made to suffer for the actions of a few. Oh well... it is a brave new world in which certain drugs are dispensed only by timed release, and everyone is looked at as an addict or an idiot. There is little in between it seems in the eyes of a pharmacist, who looks at everyone with skepticism. Who could blame him (or her as the case may be) in today's society?

Anyway, this morning I have freed up over 12 Gigabytes on my laptop hard drive, which is phenomenal... moving all of my documents and inessential files to an external drive. Next step is to do a back up of the laptop, just in case. Down the road, I will likely have a new laptop, and possibly a working desktop. I figure I may as well simplify now. Other things on my agenda involves going through my closet and alphabetizing my clothes. (An OCD joke) I have been struggling with the small opening to my closet compared to the large doors. The doors can never open more than 20 inches or so, making it impossible to really get to anything in the closet, so I took the damn things down. Not that anyone besides me cares about such things, but this is what I am doing today.

By the way, the Ducks lost to Auburn, and even though I live in Oregon now, I just don't care. Does that make me a bad man?

Salad Days

2011-01-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

I have had a recurring thought the past few days that I thought I might want to write about at some point, but am not really prepared tonight to give it the time or attention it deserves. However, having met my ex wife's Aunt tonight, I was again reminded that I need to put some thought into it. In my lifetime, I have learned that when things keep popping up in your daily life, there is usually a reason for it, and to me, this recurring thought tells me that I definitely need to spend some time thinking about it, and eventually writing about it at more length.

Tre's Aunt asked me how long she and I had been married, and I responded "Twelve Years," happy that it sounded like a suitably long enough time to suggest that plenty of effort was made to make the marriage work, "but we only were together for ten of those years." I amended. I think a lot about the whys, and the hows of my failed marriage, and I hold myself responsible for the failure, generally disregarding whatever role my ex played in the failure. "That part is for her to own, and it is not my responsibility to place blame or responsibility on her." I reason to myself. This is, of course, true enough. But it would be so much easier if I could blame the failures on my youth or inexperience.

"Salad days" is an idiomatic expression, referring to a youthful time, accompanied by the inexperience, enthusiasm, idealism, innocence, or indiscretion that one associates with a young person. The phrase was coined in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra in 1606. In the speech at the end of Act One in which Cleopatra is regretting her youthful dalliances with Julius Caesar she says: "...My salad days, / When I was green in judgment, cold in blood..." Whether the point is that youth, like salad, is raw, or that salad is highly flavoured, and youth loves high flavours, or that innocent herbs are youth's food, ... few of those who now use the phrase could perhaps tell us; if so it is fitter for parrot's than for human speech. Nevertheless, it is about the best title I could come up with for this entry. So much time has passed, my view of myself, my ex wife, my marriage, and the world in general has changed.

I would like to think I am a wiser man, perhaps better prepared now than I was then for when love again finds me. But I can only hope that when and if it does, that I can apply whatever wisdom I have gained in the interim, yet still find the same enthusiasm I had in the "salad days" of my youth.

MMXI

2011-01-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

January 1st, 2011; A new year, with the same promises of years before, to be a better year for me. Naturally, I made no concrete resolutions, no promises of changing habits or behaviors, so 2011 is beginning relatively stress free. I do have a few things in my head that I hope to accomplish this year, and with a little effort on my part, a little planning, and a little good fortune, I am optimistic that some of these expectations I have of myself may come to fruition. But, and I say this with some alacrity, I am not going to beat myself over the head with any self defeating bullshit for any perceived failure on my part. I am just going to keep plugging away at things, and take a look at things again a year from now and see how I have done.

Without any firm commitments to accomplish even a single goal, I do have a few areas in my life that I think merit a little more effort on my part. I need to take a more proactive approach toward my healthcare... I need to be a better advocate for myself. That is probably the most important thing I will be looking at during this year. Additionally, I have a few financial goals, but I am not going to stress over them. I am just going to look at the individual steps necessary for me to be more fiscally responsible. I hope to use my time more productively in 2011. Time is my single biggest resource, and I am getting to an age now where I do not feel comfortable simply squandering my greatest resource. Seems pretty simple, huh? Yeah.. well...we shall see. I have never really been all that good at resolutions. I would set these lofty goals, and then beat myself over the head with every single failure, year after year.

Other things that are in the back of my head, but again... no promises...; I hope to write more this year, perhaps even some poetry. I plan on taking more photographs, as I have been truly enjoying taking photos this past year. Maybe I will take a couple classes, or maybe I will get more active in my church or the community... maybe I will learn to dance.... Yeah right! And Maybe monkeys might fly out my butt. Anyway.. you get the point. This is my year, my time, my life, and I mostly hope to start enjoying myself a little more. To those who still read this, I hope you find 2011 to be a fun and prosperous year as well.

Years End

2010-12-27T23:24:00.000-08:00

I realize the need to update this thing, especially in that 2010 has been a real disappointment at least as far as my blog goes. I have hardly written at all. But, 2010 has been a great year for me... I am healthier than I have been in a long time, my attitude has improved, I am more active, and actually have somewhat of a life away from the computer. (I KNOW!) I have begun taking more photographs, and have made a few friends this past year, started going back to church and truly, for the most part have been enjoying life. I still have not blogged as often as I would have liked, and I have done no artwork.

I will be attempting to clean this up a little in the next few weeks or months. My web presence has gotten a little ... disorganized. I am hoping to take care of that as time goes on. In any case, it is my hope that 2011 provides me with many new adventures, a sense of fulfillment, and continued progress towards my personal goals. I wish the same for each of you.

The Bitter Cold

2010-11-23T13:46:00.001-08:00

It is cold outside, patches of frozen slush lie here and there beneath the trees that rise up from within the neighborhood like monolithic spires. The trees surround us here in Pheasant Park, like a mask, they both envelop and protect the neighborhood, towering mostly straight and tall above the homes and wetlands that lie beneath. Nearly invisible in satellite images, the quiet loops and cul de sacs are sheltered from the busy highway just a couple hundred meters away. Sheltered from light, noise, snow, and to a degree, even rain, the neighborhood is a testament to the dreams of the affluent people that lived here 40 years ago. It is a nice neighborhood, one way in, one way out, even the tires of the cars that venture past the NO OUTLET signs are muffled by the blanket of pine needles and leaves. The jays and the squirrels chatter at one another, while the herons wade through the wetlands. Residents walk their dogs to the end of the road and back, casually waving at each other as they pass. It is a nice neighborhood, and I am thankful beyond measure to be able to live here However, in the garage, where the spiders gather for their union meetings, plotting the eventual demise of the humans that also reside here, it is cold, dusty and unpleasant. This is where I have spent the last three days, scrubbing, cleaning, shuffling, moving, organizing, and stacking what seems like mountains of refuse. In short, I am not having very much fun.

Yet, I am glad not only for the place to live, and the kindness of the woman that rents to me, but also for the opportunity to do these chores which have been a welcome distraction from the myriad things on my mind. Too, I am looking forward to being able to go out into the garage and actually be able to move about freely and to be able to locate a tool or a box with relative ease. My landlord looks forward simply to being able to park her nearly $50k Volvo SUV out of the weather. We both look forward to being able to do things in the garage, ranging from painting, to carpentry, to pottery, to bike repair, and weightlifting. I marvel at my fortune to have landed such a place to live, and know it is part of a larger plan. It is that plan, and the personal struggles that I am having that occupy many of my thoughts lately.

The holidays generally are a difficult time for me, having little family around, and being uncomfortable around strangers. I miss having family around, and I miss being surrounded by those I love. Love itself is one of the things that troubles me. It adds to life, and makes it all worthwhile, but at the same time it can be so complicated, so confusing, and at times even empty and painful. A life without love is like thorns without a rose. Where is the reward for having to deal with all the pricks? (I know... my bad... but it seemed too apt to pass up on!)

I am in the middle... I think... of reinventing myself, of discovering who I am, and who God would have me be. I have always believed in God, but not always followed the rules. But as I reached my 40's, I really started coming into being. I know, without hesitation or reservation, that God has been actively working on me for quite some time... molding me, shaping me, leading me, preparing me for something big. Unfortunately, change never comes easily, though sometimes it comes quickly. In my case, I fight it, so it doesn't come all that quickly either. I guess I am just a slow study. Be that as it may, I have spent enough time in prayer and meditation to have realized that I am EXACTLY where I need to be at EXACTLY the right time. Even though I do not like it, I am supposed to be still, and wait. Continue what I am doing, and draw closer to God. That is what I know. However.... I have OCD and control issues, and relinquishing control for me is not easy. I want the things I want, and I want them now. I do not always understand why I have to wait. I am only recently learning how to apply something I have known for years. "Let go, and let God." Trusting people is difficult, and trusting God can be too. Especially if you are like me, and want to do things your own way.

Right now, I need to be out working in the garage, but I am sitting here typing. It is warmer in the house than in the garage. I want to continue with this thought, and am afraid if I stop, that I will not get back to it. Such, too, is the case with the garage. If I do not stop this, I will never complete that. Sigh* Wish me luck... This project and two others needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon. I will get back to writing a little later.

If you do happen to see this, please let me know you dropped by. I could really use the encouragement. Thanks, and have a great day, and a Happy Thanksgiving. Even if I do not want to celebrate, I do have a lot to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?

INSOMNIA

2010-11-20T02:44:00.000-08:00

Middle of the night I should be dreaming, but awake....thoughts a streaming.

I dream of her, can't help it, I just do... Broken promises and dreams that won't come true.

Not intending to write a poem.... but 2:am, me up alone....

Wanting something... mostly not to dream.

Yeah, yeah.. hokey... but I was looking at a blank page at 2:00 in the morning. What the heck was I supposed to do? I began typing. Don't ask me for apologies. I have none.

In any failed love there are several things that hold true. One... there is always someone left behind. Two, whether or not we like to admit it, men tend to have a harder time bouncing back. Women talk, women cry, women move on. Men have less friends to talk to about it, and lets face it... most of our friends don't care to listen. We were all raised up to "suck it up" and pretend like we weren't hurt. But... in spite of our denial, we do hurt. Fact.

Anyway... my breakup has been going on for a very long time. Almost from our first kiss. I do not know why I fell so hard for this one... but I did. Now, it is time to heal and move on.... but every night when I go to sleep, she taunts me in my dreams. I really thought I had a handle on this thing. I know the relationship is dead, no chance of fixing it. The trust and respect are irretrievably broken, and there is no going back. What sort of a fool would I be if I did go back? Not that it is an option. She is still lying to me... still stringing me along, still trying to keep me at arms length... just in case things don't work out for her.... she tells me she loves me, that she will always be my friend... that she misses me... and even though she cheated on me, used me, lied to me, and blamed everything on me.... my stupid heart still wants her. So... at night, when I should be asleep, wishing it were in her arms, I am awake, having a battle between my head and my heart. My head knows that this is all bullshit. I know I need to let it go and move on. But my heart.... stupid thing... just won't let me. If she were to read this, she would get upset... call it hurtful, and tell me that I was being mean, and how she could not believe how hurtful I was being.

I love her... but, I really don't give a shit what she thinks anymore. Let her parade around with her mock hurt and tell me how mean I am being... when I am the one who was lied to, betrayed, and cheated on. I wish her no harm, no ill will, but I feel sorry for the next guy. He is gonna need some really broad shoulders if he is gonna carry her baggage around for her.

Here is the catch... someday she may see this... or someone may tell her about it. But while my heart is hurt, my head is angry. Later maybe... big maybe, I can be her friend. But first, I am gonna expect her to treat me like one instead of breaking one promise after another. A certain amount of let down is expected.. but a short list.... lets just focus on one thing... Dependability. She promised to get me to my sons wedding. FAIL. She promised to get me to my mothers grave on Mom's birthday. FAIL. She promised to get me to a job interview on time. FAIL. She promised to love me and be my friend forever... kind of hard to do when she never stopped looking while we were living together, cheated on me while we were together, many times.... lied to me, led me on, used me, and then, when things were not going her way, made me feel like I was the bad guy. If that is love and friendship... count me out.

UPDATE

2010-07-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have been remiss in my responsibilities at least as far as blogging goes. I have been busier than normal, happier than normal, healthier than normal. In short, the move was a very good one for me. Met CrazyDogMomma this past month for lunch as she passed through on her move to California. Best wishes go out to her. She is likely settled in by now.

Life is good. If I could just get my financial under control, I would say that I am in the best shape overall in a very long time. Better in some areas, healthier in others. I do not recall simply enjoying life as much as I have recently, in a good number of years. I know I should post more, but really, for now.. that is the best I have. And Bruce.... Looking forward to the pics from Burning Man 2010.

BAGGAGE NO MORE

2010-04-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

My first major move away from home, I left with the contents of one large cardboard box, the clothes on my back and my car. By the time I got married 10 years later, I had a full storage unit and I think and 2 vehicles.
A divorce brought me down to a two bedroom apartment floor to ceiling full of stuff. Unforeseen events brought that back down to a small storage unit full of stuff, and the clothes on my back. Now here it is, 25 years after that very first move, and I have another storage unit, but everything I own fit into one small bedroom. As I am going through it now, I am determined to reduce the crap to as little as possible. It is not that I can't take it with me; I no longer want to.

TIRED BUT NOT SICK, NOT YET.

2010-04-12T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have not been writing. Life kinda got in the way. It happens. I have a pack full of troubles, like stones, dragging me down, hunching me over, busting my back, wearing me out, and breaking my heart. Okay... I am being overly dramatic. So, sue me! It is not as bad as all that. But I am very tired, and am finding less and less strength to face these things.

The move... I could write about that. But moving to Oregon is not my biggest problem. Who knows? I may actually like it. I have never actually lived there. Worked there, yes. But as a rule, I have never liked Oregon, because I did not know it. Turns out it is every bit as pretty as Washington, with a lot of places to see, and things to do. I am beginning to look forward to the move, but still have apprehensions.

What I want to write about, I cannot. Suffice to say, I am facing a dilemma which I am finding very taxing and emotionally draining. I am doing the right thing hopefully for the right reasons, but am realizing that the opportunity cost of either choice I make is rather steep. All I can do is pray it will work out for the best in the end.

MOVING OUT

2010-04-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

To the few people that follow this blog, please accept my abject apologies for letting so much time pass between entries. I suppose it is simply a matter of priorities, and I have not made this enough of a priority to write in. Same applies to my journals. Life, it seems keeps getting in the way. The irony in that statement lies in the fact that I actually do not have a life.

However, for health reasons galore, emotional, physical, financial, I am moving out of the self imposed prison in which I have lived for the past 18 months. Last November, I moved in with a friend whom I have known for 30 years. Apparently somewhere along the line, I quit knowing him. Since moving in, even though basically he is still good people, his personal issues have made life for me here unbearable. So much so that I spend 95% of my time locked in my room. His drug use, drinking, relationships, attitudes, moodiness, and anger at virtually everything in the world has made my existence here a living hell. Not that it was a bad deal, but it was not equitable or fair. It was never my home. It was never my place. The lack of respect in certain areas made me feel taken advantage of.

Now, one month out, I plan on moving out of state into a new home, which I only hope is better than this one. I have taken my time finding a place, and asking every conceivable question of my new room mate. It seems like a good deal, and I am hopeful and fearful at the same time. It means a major change in the way I have been living across the board, and my biggest fear I think is trading one bad situation for another. Ultimately, I think I need to find a small place by myself. But for now, I have to keep things affordable. The heavy stuff gets moved today. This concerns me. I used to be the strongest person I knew,but as time has passed since the heart surgery, I am finding myself not as able to handle the heavy lifting I once did. I need to eventually opt for higher quality, yet lighter furniture. At least I am getting out of this second story apartment, and moving into a single level house. I hope for the best, but still fear the worst. I am angry at myself for feeling this way, but apparently, I have been conditioned to be like this. I know how and what happened, but feel impotent to change the defects in myself that cause the difficulties I face.

I guess the best I can do for right now is to move ahead, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and ask those that do care about me to pray for only good things.

REALIZATION

2010-01-25T15:44:00.001-08:00

Talking with a friend this morning, I realized something important. I will write about it later.

"In the beginning I was seeking redemption. In the end, I found it in an unlikely place: from within me, not from the people I was seeking it from."

TIRED (another poem)

2010-01-17T15:34:00.001-08:00

I am tired of picking myself up
time and time again.
I thought that if I had just love
the world would be a nicer place to be in.

I am tired of love, I am tired of hurt,
I am tired of all these tears.
I am tired of hope, I am tired of trust,
I am tired of all of my fears.

I am tired of always feeling the loss
of someone I used to love.
I am tired of people who say it will work out
If I trust in God up above.

I have spent my whole life, doing just that,
wanting and waiting to live.
I have searched high and low, near and far,
and gave all I had to give.

I wander this world feeling alone
grasping at wisps of smoke
Such are the hopes of lasting love
While my heart quietly broke.

Pop In

2009-12-08T01:41:00.000-08:00

I have no excuses. I just have not been writing in this blog. Shit happens, I guess. I lost my ISP for a little while, and to their credit, the rep I spoke to fixed it for me. I was about to find another provider. Gotta say the woman I spoke to was way cool, and truly helpful. Now if only I could find someone as cool at my cell phone provider. Riiight... best of luck with that.

It is 2am, and I am cold and tired. I want to write, but I don't. So consider this a check in for now, and I will write something good later. I promise.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

2009-10-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Well, for starters, I know I must be boring, because no one seems to read this blog much anymore. Okay, that was just pathetic. Certainly I want people to read this, and I enjoy getting comments, because they more or less reassure me that I am not completely alone. Then again, the reason I write this is more for me than for anyone else, so who cares if no one reads it? Apparently, I do.

Anyway, aside from that little whine, I really do have something I want to write about this morning, and I just do not know where to begin. My mind and heart it seams are all twisted up. Love, it seems, has a way of knotting up your insides and making things less clear. I am not a foolish man. I do not believe I am foolish. But time and time again, when it comes to matters of the heart, I seem to do foolish things. I know several things about myself, and forgive me for brainstorming here, but this is one outlet I have. I could talk to the people who I know care about me, but that has caused problems in the past.

I do not like being alone.
I want to be loved.
I want someone to share my life with, the good, and the bad.
I have a lot of love to share.
Someone has to appreciate what I have to offer.
It should not have to be this hard.

So, in the past, when there were struggles I was facing, I talked to the people I trusted. But that served only to alienate me from the person I loved. It hurt her feelings, and caused her to not trust me. She claims I stabbed her in the back not only by that, but also by writing about our relationship here in this blog. She claims that she has never talked to her friends and family about me.

The problem is, I am not a complete idiot. People being pretty much the same wherever you go, I know it is rare to find a person who never discusses any details with the people closest to them. For me, I talk to my sister and my ex wife. I trust them. I know they care about me, and sometimes I just need a sounding board as we all do to sort out my feelings. I believe everyone is much the same in that regard.

The object of my affection claims never to have shared personal details about us with her friends, but yesterday I learned that the secret of my minor foot fetish had gotten out somehow. Made me go hmm. I am not angry. But that does contradict what she has told me. If she shared that even by accident, how much else has she shared? The truth is, I do not care. I really have no secrets to speak of. I just struggle with the apparent inconsistency. Honesty and communication are extremely important to me. In a relationship, I expect honesty, respect, communication, and all the things that fall under these three things.

THE BANKERS PRAYER

2009-10-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

I found this today. Made me go "Hmm."

The Lord is my Dollar; I shall always want.

It maketh me profit off the hard work of others:

The dollar leadeth me by the nose.

It restoreth my black little heart:

The Dollar leadeth me down the road to oblivion.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will always know evil: for thou art with me;

thy stocks and bonds they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me with the fruits of other's labor:

thou clothe my body with fine threads;

my bank account runneth over.

Surely prosperity and mercilessness shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in a seat of power forever.

Amen

LOVE IS...

2009-10-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Your heart beating like a drum in your throat during the first kiss.
Intoxicating, Invigorating, and frustrating..... all at the same time.
A hug when there are no words left to say.
Two hearts beating as one.
Being unable to sleep when she is not there.
...revitalizing!
Holding your tongue when you know the words will hurt.
Giving up the last cookie.
A bubble bath and a candle on occasion.
The spark between two souls.
Comfort in each others arms.
Never saying a word about morning breath.
Chicken soup on sick days.
Midnight runs for ice cream.
Forgiving even when you don't feel like it.
Never Ambivalent.
Always worth it.

Please comment. I need help on this one.

TEARS, AGAIN. LOSS AND COMPRIMISE

2009-10-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

I do not really know what I want to say. I just know I need to vent. I am not even sure what I can say as the object of my affections sometimes reads this. My last entry is a sore spot, and I do not wish to hurt her anymore, no matter how much I am hurting right now. Misunderstandings of days gone by are misunderstandings of today. Why? Well, simply because the communication is not as good as it should be. I tell her that I love her, and she says I love you too. I tell her that I want to marry her, and she admits that she wanted to marry me once upon a time. Now, however, and several times in the past several months, she has told me in no uncertain terms that she cannot, that she will not ever marry me.

Yet I continue to love her. I know better, but something in my heart won't let me let go. I hang on for dear life, but why? The relationship is apparently dead. During the last eight months since she called it off, I have clung to hope, and we have been on again/off again. Sadly, always coming back to the off position. I hate that. I believe with all my heart that she loves me, and believe that there is a future for us, but that it will take work. On the one hand I want to hang on. I want to believe in her, I want to believe in the power of "us". On the other hand, she seems to keep pushing me away. I suspect at times I know the reasons why, but who am I to judge her motives?

Again tonight, I am awake into the wee hours of the morning because I am troubled. I try to sort out my feelings, and all I find are more tears. As if I have not already cried enough the last year. I feel the loss, and I try to make a deal. I ask if I do this, or I do that, if it would make a difference. The answer is no. She wants it to be over. She wants to get the relationship with God right, she wants to stand on her own two feet. That is admirable. I respect her for that. But in the end, even I do not know the right thing to do in every case. But I know I will follow my heart. I know I have to be true to my nature. I will love her anyway. I will cry some more tears, and I will pray. God alone knows the outcome. My heart feels heavy and empty, like a piece of it is missing. She is, after all, My Peanut, and she means the world to me. At least you cannot die from a broken heart. It just feels like it.

CRYING A RIVER, BUILDING A BRIDGE, NOT WANTING TO CROSS IT YET

2009-09-26T18:39:00.001-07:00

Yeah, well... I was kinda stuck for a title, so this will have to do for now. I am not having a good evening. I actually feel quite lost right now. This is normal. I always feel this way when my heart is broken. The truth is, I hate feeling like this, but I am a sensitive man. I am one of those weird guys who has gotten in touch with his feelings. I am not afraid to cry, but that is not to say that I enjoy crying. To the contrary, crying sucks. Yet sometimes it is the only way we have to release the painful emotions that come with a break up, or a death. Whatever the circumstance, there is a mourning period, and it is just something we must muddle through. It is seldom easy. If I had to describe my feelings at this moment, the best word I could come up with is "Lost". I feel lost. I feel alone, I feel afraid, and I feel like a part of my heart is missing. It feels like a part of me is gone. But all that aside, I am sure at least one person would blame the way I feel on gas or something like that. This most definitely is not gas, but as far as situations go, the situation stinks.

I am in love. I have been in love pretty much from the moment I met her in person. But I was afraid then too. I will never forget the nervousness as I beat feet down to the 7-Eleven where I was to meet her for the first time. I had seen pictures of her, and knew she was driving a purple car... actually, it was more burgundy. It was her idea to meet, and I could no longer validate putting it off. We had, after all, been chatting online for nearly 3 months. I was sooo nervous. I wanted to make a good impression. I put on a nice turtle neck, a pair of slacks, an overcoat, and a gentleman's hat, I looked pretty nice. I wanted to look nice for her. The first I saw of her was her smile. A beautiful infectious grin that only slightly masked the nervousness she was also feeling. That evening, we went down to the riverfront, between Beaches and McMennamin's, and walked along the boardwalk in the moonlight. It was a cool, but clear autumn evening. It was just over two years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember being so nervous that when I accidentally touched her arm, I nearly had a coronary. I thought perhaps I had accidentally brushed her breast, and apologized profusely. She just laughed at me, and told me that I was so cute, and sweet to be concerned. "But was it really so awful to touch me?" she asked.

We walked and we talked for a couple hours actually, and I think I knew then that I wanted to see much more of her. I even tried to be on good behavior. I really tried in the next several weeks to be honorable, to be a Godly man, and acted appropriately around her. I did not touch her or hug her, or kiss her. We just talked. But she respected me for trying to put God first.

But a couple months pass, and she agrees to take me to Bellingham to take care of a matter of personal business. It was supposed to be a simple trip, and I even made arrangements to stay with a pastor friend of mine. Sadly, I think we both knew what was going to happen. I think we both wanted it. That night, we crossed a line we could not cross back over again. Regrets? one or two. It was awkward, clumsy. and it was not what God wanted for us. But, we prayed about it together the next day, and we really did enjoy the rest of our trip. But that night, I hurt her feelings. My mouth.. my inability to keep my thoughts to myself. She ended up in tears, and I felt awful.

Still, upon returning home she had a new apartment, and as the weeks progressed, I was spending more and more time with her. She thought if I simply stayed, it would be a good thing. Her son likes me, she and I were getting along great, and for the next several months, I honestly believe they were the happiest months of my life. There were problems. But I felt like I belonged with her. Still some people frowned on us being together, and it made things difficult.

Things happened as things often do. Mistakes were made on both sides, and each of us walked away with new scars on top of our old ones. Even in he bad moments though, I could not keep from loving her even more. I bought her a promise ring which she says is one of her most treasured possessions. She claims to love me. But in all honesty, each of us is afraid of being hurt. We really are on the same page, but cannot seem to communicate.

I love her. She means the world to me. I want to do anything I can to help her, to be there for her. And without her, I feel completely empty and alone. I am reminded of a song that God gave me many years ago. I knew when I heard it for the very first time that it was important. Today, even though it is a different person I am in love with, the words hold just as deep a meaning to me now as they did all those years ago. I hope she understands that the tears I cry when I hear this song now, these tears are for her.

For her.... Mark Knopfler's "I'm the Fool"
( be sure to play the song itself in the window to the right)
I never thought I'd be the one
To be the raging bull
There'd always be a smoking gun
Who'd up and lose his cool
I never thought I'd have to say
I'm sorry, my love, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I left my dreams with broken strings
It's time I learnt to talk
Stop falling over things
Teach myself to walk
I'm not a superman
Or Mr. wonderful, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I'm the know it all
Trying to mend his broken heart
But I don't know who to call
And I don't know where to start

Now if you should lose your faith in me
I don't know where I'd run
I hope you'll always let me be
Your only one
Am I your one true love
Or am I too late for your applause
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
Darling, I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

ON AGAIN, OFF AGAIN, BUT HURTING JUST THE SAME

2009-09-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I have placed this blog in a state of suspended animation. It seems that my last entry was determined to be hurtful by someone mentioned in it. I read it several times over, and honestly, I cannot see how it is hurtful. Yet I apologized for it and the pain it allegedly caused. Today, following more pain of my own, I decided to be true to myself. That is what the last entry was about in the first place. I will not be silenced just because someone does not agree with what I think and feel. It really does not matter if I am wrong or not. I have a right to feel as I do, and to express myself. I will make subtle modifications throughout this blog to eliminate anything that may cause this person undue distress, but I will not do more than to eliminate any personal identifiable information. This may take me a little time to complete, but I will get it done in as timely a manner as possible. I wrote about taking the high road, about having some class and decorum in my last entry, but the entry upset someone I care very much for. They felt it to be a personal attack, and that is certainly not how the entry was intended. So... while I am not going to take it back, the damage is already done, I am going to try to prevent it from causing any more damage.

Meanwhile, my on again, off again relationship is back to the Off position. I wish I were able to repair the damage, but it occurs to me that the damage that exists may have been a pre-existing condition. I want to bare my heart and soul here, but feel limited in what I am able to say because they can read this, and have. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. I love the person I am referring to, and would do anything for them. Unfortunately for me, what this means at the moment, painful as it is, I have to back off, and leave them completely alone. I need to forget about the friendship, the romance, the love I feel for her and her son. I have to let go of the last two years, no matter how much it hurts me to do so. I have to give up on someone who means the world to me. Of course, I have been here several times in the last year, and the emotions I feel are at the very least perplexing. Like the picture says, The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you.

I cannot fix the problem, but I am beginning counseling within the week, and am optimistic that the counselor will be able to help me work through these myriad complex and confounding emotions. This blog will remain my catharsis. It will be my link to the outside and inside worlds.

There is no need to get hurt, or to allow myself to hurt others. Since last September, I have given every effort to try to save this relationship I was in, and I am coming to realize that one person cannot hold a friendship or relationship together, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try. I have not wanted to give up on the relationship even though I was told over and over again that it was over. Fair enough. I am still a friend, and will try always to be true to that nature in myself. Love hurts.... it really does hurt sometimes. But, I still cling to the belief that in the name of love, it is always worth it.

THE COURAGE TO GO ON

2009-09-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

Aside from spending so much time in the hospital lately, I find myself in an emotional rut. I am depressed. I am not so much lonely as simply feeling alone. Sometimes at night, I lay awake wishing sleep would find me, but instead lie staring at the ceiling, alone with my thoughts, running at somewhat less than a million miles an hour. I start to fall asleep, and something happens. A door slams, downstairs, a phone rings, an instant message or email beeps in, or sometimes, nothing at all, and my eyes snap open. Then I, with nothing else to do, count my own heartbeats and wonder about my life.

It can be safely assumed that I am not happy. I am neither happy nor sad. I just am. I am depressed. I feel alone a lot. I fear death and contemplate my own mortality. I pray, and I worry. I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am not a failure, but I am not particularly successful. My dreams, most of them feel out of reach, unattainable. My family, by and large is scattered and broken. Months and years pass between contacts. Much the same can be said of my friends. I have a small handful of people I talk to regularly. All of them it seems have lives.

I want to discuss some things I have learned about relationships, and recently, the importance of the lesson I will write about today has been driven home with amazing clarity and precision. It pretty much validates to me that in premise, though certainly not worded very well, I am on the right track with my thinking.

I have been hurt in relationships through out my life, and I have hurt those I have been in relationships with. Being hurt is not a good enough reason to deliberately hurt someone you claim to love. I have learned that in relationships it is always best to keep your mouth shut, no matter what happens. If you want to save the relationship, then it is up to you to preserve it. If it fails, then you can explain the reasons if you want, but the nobler thing would be to simply let it go. Never bad mouth your partner, always be willing to accept full responsibility for the failure, even if you feel it was not your fault. Accountability, personal responsibility; let the petty differences go, let the more important issues go. Take the high road. Be discreet, be honorable, be tactful. There is no need to hurt the other person just because you are hurt. The only people that need be involved are the two people involved in the relationship. What happens in the relationship should stay in the relationship. Unless there is reason to discuss it with someone else, i.e., a counselor. If anything must be said, take the blame yourself, treat the other person with respect even if they betrayed you. Sort of following the simple acronym popular among Christians: "What Would Jesus Do? (WWJD) He was persecuted, beaten, lied about, tortured, and finally killed, yet He remained true to His nature. He forgave them all. He took it all upon Himself. I do not claim to be like Jesus, no sir, that is not my point. But I would do well to learn from His example and remain humble and meek. I have nothing to prove to anyone. No one that is, except to myself. Beyond that, I guess I simply wish I had the answers to the problems I am facing right now. I wish I could find the strength and courage to face them head on.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

2009-09-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

This month has been mostly crappy. I have been in the hospital most of it. I guess I have made my medical spend down, and then some. First MRSA infection in my leg... okay.. I was wrong. Technically it was MSSA, the same bug, but not resistant to antibiotics. But who the hell has heard of MSSA? Why cant they just say staph? Oh well. Then comes a bout of pancreatitis, gastritis, and now it looks like the infection in my leg is coming back in spite of the antibiotics. For the past 10 days I have been unable to eat without pain, everything I eat and drink causes me pain. As a result I am afraid to eat. As a result of all the hospitalization and my fear of eating, I have lost 31 pounds. The loss of that much weight in 3 weeks time scares the shit out of me, but otherwise, I am pretty cool with it. I wanted to lose weight, just not this way. I was in the emergency room again last night over in Oregon at the Adventist Health Center. They were nice, but could not really help me. It was the pain that took me there. I am so sick of hurting all the time. I want to eat, I need to eat, but with it hurting, What the hell am I supposed to do? Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time that I feel like giving up on life altogether. Then as it happens every time, I get over it.
Ain't life a bitch?

Super Buggin' Out

2009-09-05T14:53:00.000-07:00

Well, you may have noticed that my blogging has dropped off a bit lately, and with cause. Todays entry is more or less just an FYI post for those that read it.

For the past three weeks I have been enduring the painful advance of a growing infection in my leg. Forced to wait until now because of my issues with my insurance and whathaveyou. I told them when they garnished my pay what would happen, and I was not lying. When I ran out of meds, the infection grew. So... now, after suffering many sleepless nights, and days upon end laying in bed with my feet propped up, I now get to go to the hospital for more of the same.

I do not need a doctor to tell me what I have. I recognize the symptoms, and know conclusively that my cellulitus has developed into MRSA (METHYCILLIN-RESISTANT STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS). With my health conditions, the danger of this so called new superbug (originally predicted in the 1950s) I am aware I have put myself and my room mate at grave risk. I have had MRSA before and nearly died. The risk is the same here. Untreated, it could kill me. I am very sick now, and have kept very close watch on my progression. I have barely enough energy to function most days and have lost 10 pounds in the last month. My weight rarely ever fluctuates more than a couple pounds.

Anyway, I do not know if I will have internet access, and I no longer have my cell phone, so my contact with the outside world may be limited for a couple weeks or more. I do not know what to expect. I just know I cannot come home while I am still sick and/or contagious. But, I have a book, and some drawing paper, and a notebook, and a cribbage board and playing cards. I should be able to stay busy.

When I return home, I will try to bring this up to date. Life does not seem to stand still even though I do. Regards to each of you. Thank you for reading this.

Maintenance

2009-08-18T19:33:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday, and I celebrated by cursing my computer most of the day. Thoughts included throwing it out my second story window, and aiming for the dumpster, and or creative application of fireworks and chemical accellerant. As I type this, I am trying (mostly in vain) to transfer my OS to a different drive.... lost most everything.... oh well. Its the pictures lost that suck the most. I had a thought a bit ago... If I can, I am going to figure out how to rename my "Followers" to "Survivors".

I have some ideas for some major changes in my life, and thus, have several blog enries in half finished mode I will post later. Wish me luck on the transfer. If it works, next time I am online will be with a better running POS outdated computer. Can't afford a new one just yet. Next month promises to be very, very lean. $7 to live on before meds, food, transportation, and laundry costs. But, at least the bills get paid. I just can't buy groceries, or order heart meds or insulin from the pharmacy, or go to the landromat. Being so broke, if I need to go anywhere, it will be on foot. Damn. Time to locate a food bank within walking distance I guess. It sucks having to choose between a place to live and whether or not my needs are met. This month, apnea wins... can't live on the streets. Not a good short or long term solution. It is only 4 weeks after all.

Waste Not, Want Not; Another Project

2009-08-15T00:59:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about this for awhile, this silly little project, and today, with a minimal of swearing at myself, and at the tools, and especially at the adhesive I used, I completed it after several hours.

I had an old leather jacket which I replaced last December when the zipper pull broke. I figured it was going to cost more than the jacket was worth to put a 3rd zipper in it. But I could not bring myself to simply toss it into the dumpster. I had worn the thing daily for nearly 10 years. It was time to go.

So, with my handy box cutter, I carefully cut out the panels of leather that were worth saving. (Everything but the collar and sleeves and pocket areas) The weathered remains of the de-leathered jacket... (basically a collar, sleeves from the elbow down, waist band, and the insulation and lining) are now in the dumpster as there is nothing left of the jacket worth saving.

I also had this old wooden box that I wanted to refinish even though I never have figured out what to put in it. I then proceeded to stretch, pull, cut and glue the leather to my stupid little box... which I forgot to take before pictures of.... suffice to say it used to be brown, and was scuffed, and had writing of some kind on the top. I believe it once contained a high quality microphone back in the 70's or 80's not sure when.

This is what I ended up with, a leather covered box, and still no idea what to do with it. Maybe I can roll up and store the remaining panels of leather that I also do not know what to do
with. Maybe one day, should my new jacket wear out, perhaps I have enough leather to replace the collar or pocket linings. Waste not, Want not. Another area where I fall victim to my own OCD.

BOOK AND RELEASE

2009-07-15T04:11:00.000-07:00

Well, as much as I hated to do it, I did finally call the Portland Police, and the officer who responded at dispatch was very nice. He could not tell me much, but did tell me that the police had made contact with Alan on the 8th of July at a park in the Pearl District, apparently for being drunk in public. He was taken in, a mug shot was taken, his info updated, and then he was released. He was not actually booked. This puts him basically okay as of a week ago but it still does not answer why he has not returned home. The officer suggested that he may have opted to go into a program to sober up. Perhaps he was hanging out downtown for easier access to alcohol and/or drugs, or perhaps I might check the mission again.

I hate the fact that Alan has these problems, and worry that he may throw this opportunity away that he has been given. There are many people vested in keeping him off the streets, yet he continually gravitates toward that lifestyle. I wish he realized that his family does care for him, and all we all want to see is him to begin caring for himself. Maybe that is too much to hope for. Maybe he is a lost cause. But whichever the case may be, it looks like I am going to have to go hang out in the Pearl in the hopes that I may run into him. Poop. Portland is a big town. The odds of simply running into him are against me. Maybe he will surface soon, and go back home.
Damn him anyway. Oh well, at least he is alive... or was a week ago. I can only assume he still is.

SLACKING OFF

2009-07-12T01:41:00.000-07:00

Wow. Like most people, my life gets a little confusing sometimes, and myriad small distractions take me away from the things I either want to be doing, or should be doing. At this moment, a guilty conscience is driving me to take the time to make an entry here as I just now realized I have a small following, and as such I need to make a more sincere effort to write here a little more often, but my goal will always be quality, not quantity, so perhaps my entries will be shorter, but I will at least endeavor to port a little more frequently when I can. In actuality, this blog is taking me away from something I need to be doing right now. I have an early morning appointment tomorrow, and need to get my stuff together for that appointment, and try to get at least some rest tonight.

But, I do have something on my mind which for the past week has been causing me concern. My nephew Alan, who was pictured at the blues festival last week, has turned up missing. I have been unable to reach him by phone since last Saturday evening. This is not unusual for Alan to disappear, but it concerns me because it was unexpected. We all had hoped that he had settled down. He has been stable at this location for about a year now, and for him, that is a record, having spent much of the past 20 years living on the streets. In the past we (the family) have all worried that no one would know to contact us if something were to happen to Alan, and we might never know . Turns out that very little has changed really.

Alan has problems. We all do. But Alan and his brother Michael may have more than their fair share. This comes as a result of addictive behaviors, poor decision making skills, anger, and perhaps even a modicum of fear. They are both angry men, for many reasons, but the bottom line is they still have not come to realize that the bad things that happen to them are a direct result of the choices they make, and the actions they do. It is no one's fault but their own, and as best any of us (the family again) can tell, they both are still blaming anyone and anything that they can for the problems that plague them. It seems to be common among people with these sort of problems, and as long as they do not hold themselves accountable for the choices they make, they will likely continue on this very self destructive path.

I have not seen Alan's younger brother Michael since 2006. Until 2007, I had not seen Alan since 2000. So you can see the pattern they share. Nevertheless, I am concerned that something bad may have befallen Alan. I know his propensity towards alcohol and drug abuse, but I also know he had little money. He was owed like $30 by someone he knew, and I worry that when he got the money, he did something very foolish. Whatever happened, he has not been home in a week. I cannot help but fear the worst. Now, that I am worried about him, and do not know why he would not return home, I realize that should he end up dead, I now have no idea how or where to reach Michael either. But they are family, and I do care about them. I just wish they would let the people who actually care about them be a part of their lives instead of shutting us out entirely.

I have called the apartment manager, who was no help at all, and I have called every hospital in the greater Portland area. I have also checked the jail rosters for Multnomah County, and so far, have found no information. I can either wait and hope, or, I can take a more proactive approach. I am planning on calling the Police on Monday, and seeing if I can make a missing person report. Just in case. I wish Alan realized how much we all care for him and worry ... how much we have worried for all these years, and how much time and expense I have put into locating him in years past.

For now, all I can do is pray... and say Damn! a lot.

WATERFRONT BLUES FESTIVAL

2009-07-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

I went to the Waterfront Blues Festival this weekend over in Portland with my Sister and Nephew. For the most part it was not bad, in the sense that we got there okay, we got to see a few acts and had a picnic lunch, and eventually found seating in a shaded area where we could see both main stages. But there were several things that did not go according to plan, and the event was not as much fun as I had hoped it would be.

As we got ready to board the Max train
I saw this sign, which I found amusing.

No Bicycling, No Rollerblading, No Skateboarding, No Nothing.

Governor Tom McCall Waterfront Park, Main Entrance

I liked the patterns in these leaves.

My nephew Alan in what he called his "Thoughtful Pose".

Alan took this photo of me in front of Waterfront Park.
I think he did a great job! I really like this picture.

It was 96 degrees outside, so we took advantage
of this shade for out picnic lunch.

I wanted to get a photo of this Touch Juggler,
but missed my opportunity. This is a shot I found
online of him a couple years ago. He was a little more
silver this year. I would think that he would be hot
since he was wearing a jacket, and was painted silver.
I suppose that is why he chose to perform
under the bridge next to the portolets.

Multnomah County Sheriff's boat patrolling the Willamette River.

Wonder What this guy is smiling at?

Oh! Never Mind!

Some of the myriad boats anchored to enjoy the show.
I was trying to get a picture of the Jolly Roger

Alan and Donna. Donna appears to be telling the
people in front of us to sit down so we can see.

Alan and Donna again. Donna is obviously ready for the 4th of July.

To Err is Human; To Arrr is Pirate. Is it weird for my sister to borrow my earrings?

Not sure who this is.

BELOW: Brian Jack & The Zydeco Gamblers

Sonny Landreth

Sonny Landreth and his Band

Sonny Landreth

Karl Denson's Tiny Universe

Johnny Winter

Okay, just so you know, this is the best picture I got of Johnny Winter.
Try as I might, I could not get any closer to him or the stage.

So I went online to find these three images.

Fortunately Johhny generally dresses in black t-shirt and jeans,
and it looks like these pictures could have been taken at the
same as all the rest, but in actuality I believe these were taken in
Ontario a year ago. These were the kind of shots I had hoped to get.

I am a little stunned at how old Johnny is looking
these days, but I forget he is like 65 years old now.

A PEARL

2009-06-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

I have been reading the tweets of several members of the StarTrek TNG cast. Wil Wheaton is a riot. Thought it was cool he was just here in Portland. But one of his recent tweets... It really should be put on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

wilw "When people are dicks to me, it makes me appreciate all the people who AREN'T dicks to me. To the former: bite me. To the latter: Thank you!"

HOW TRUE!

2009-06-24T12:48:00.001-07:00

My little random quote app displayed this little gem today. I had to post it because it is funny, yet true.

"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." ~ Joan Rivers

I quit.

2009-06-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

I started smoking nearly 25 years ago, in part thinking it would make me look older. We have all seen the ads showing a persons face deteriorating with the use of tobacco. The ad had a woman talking about how she started smoking to look older, and with the final image showing a woman looking like a graying shriveled up old fig, she laments that she got her wish. I have looked, but been unable to find an image online. There are plenty of others though, but I really haven't the time for it today. Besides, it is a moot point.

I have sworn off cigarettes numerous times, threatened to quit when they hit $2 a pack, watched my mom, aunt, and brother die of smoking related illness, my own father dying at 43 years old of a massive heart attack. I myself have had several heart attacks, and triple bypass surgery, yet still I smoked. I have control issues, and hate feeling out of control. I can not afford my medications, so how can I justify spending money on cigarettes? Enough is enough. Time for me to take back control of my life. Time for me to take back my life before it is too late. I quit.

EMPTY SPACES

2009-06-20T18:16:00.001-07:00

I am starting to feel kind of alone over here. I do not know if anyone is reading me anymore. I had a couple readers, and have gotten to know them a bit over time, and they are probably the best things that have come out of my blogging experience. I see they still post, but cannot tell if they still visit my pages. It is my own fault for not keeping my blog up to date, It is my own fault for not acknowledging them enough. It is my own fault for opening my big yap, and for hurting their feelings by trying to be funny. I do not know what if any of these reasons are true, but it does feel like they do not come to call anymore. I miss them.

Nowadays, I am realizing that I have a need... a need for people in my life. The internet provides me with a great deal of social interaction, something I am beginning to feel like I require. Especially now that my blog is changing, and so am I. I have begun tweeting, and maybe eventually someone will subscribe to one of my blogs, or to my tweet feed. I need feedback, I want feedback. I am wondering how I am doing, what people think of the change. It is a work in progress, just like me. I change more and more each day. Fading away like a chalk drawing on the pavement, the old man I used to be is nearly gone. The new guy in in his place is a pretty decent fellow, but I am still afraid the old guy may come back eventually. That is not what I want. SO, if you do read, or are a reader, please subscribe or let me know you visited. Thanks a lot.

LOOK MA! I TWEETED!

2009-06-19T13:57:00.001-07:00

I have figured out a site that enables my Cricket phone to work with Twitter, and with blogger, and several other services. Check it out here: http://ping.fm/

So bearing that in mind, I am now able to tweet. My room mate tells me I tweet enough already.I really do not know what if any purpose this will serve, but it will enable me to micro blog from a hospital bed if necessary. I have decided to separate it from my main blog because it will be more effective for me. I do not expect my tweets to be very profound or anything. I mean, how groundbreaking can one be at 150 characters at a time?

You can locate a link to my tweeter blog at the top right of the front page of my blog, or you can find it here. http://thetweetarchive.blogspot.com/

AWAKE AGAIN

2009-06-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

Like so many other nights before this, I was unable to sleep last night. It was not so much that I had a lot on my mind, though that was part of the reason. Like aspects of my life, I have been somewhat dissatisfied with aspects of my blog. Perhaps, like my life, it was lacking in flavor. There was nothing unique or special about it. Perhaps I should assert that it really is the blog I am talking about, not my life. Or is it?

In any case, after some searching for an appropriate image for my new header, and a little time in Photoshop making it more or less what I wanted, and with a few clicks of the mouse, my blog appears as it does now, with a slightly different layout, and a new color scheme. I like it. Though, I am starting to think that I need to address several key things about my blog. It no longer really meets my needs. I have been growing and changing, for some time now, and the blog needs to reflect that change by undergoing some change itself.

In the coming days, weeks, and months, I will be making some decisions about what I want out of my life, and out of my blog. In both, there will be some changes. Mostly little ones, subtle ones. But I suspect there may be one or two fundamental shifts in my blog. Though more or less still in the planning stage, I want to reorganize it, consolidate it with other writings I have on the web. I want to go back and tweak a few paragraphs, and perhaps delete others. My blog will need to reflect my life as it is now, and as I change things in my life, I want to change the blog.

As of this writing, I realize that my blog reflects one major concern in my life. It has no cohesive direction. Here, of course, I am referring to my life. I write about my experience. I joke about things that may or may not be appropriate. I use coarse language at times. How I present myself in my writing affects how people see me as a person, and it is becoming important to me that I present myself in a manner that reflects my evolving belief system. I am painfully aware that there comes a day when I will no longer be able to post to my blog. One day, my ramblings will cease altogether. What happens when I am no longer able to write? What I have written will need to stand on its own. It is my fervent hope that at some point in the future someone will run across my blog and will read it. Something I have written will catch their attention, and hopefully will have a positive impact on them. I am not sure exactly where this will lead me. I do however hope that I can increase my readership to a broader audience, while maintaining the relationships I have already built online. I do not expect to ever make money with my blog, but I am not opposed to the idea if I can find things of interest to write about.

I am reminded of my very first public blog where I did not really know what I wanted to write about, and had in mind only a limited direction to follow (which you can find HERE). So much has changed since then. I have been online for a lot of years, and this blog as it currently sits only reflects about a decade. If I ever get around to it, I need to finish and post a number of drafts and private entries. I have started keeping a notebook where I jot down ideas for future entries. It is my hope that in my blog as in my life, I can start to hold myself to a higher standard.

I still welcome any and all comments. Any ideas on my blog, any suggestions, please, By all means let me know. To those who read this thing (even though I have no followers, darn it!) I want to thank you for your continued support.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

2009-06-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

I want to write this morning. The problem is, I do not know what I want to write about. I have so much on my mind that I cannot sleep. That is fairly normal for me. There are times when I have so much on my plate that things get jumbled in my mind, and no matter how hard I try I can't make the mental break from these things so that I can get rest. Tonight is such a night.

I am thinking about a friend I have not seen in several years. I do not know where he is right now, and I would love dearly to talk to him again. I did find his son online, and tonight was able to send an email to him in the hopes that he might relay the information to his dad. Meanwhile, I have found a recording of him online. He speaks publicly, and so there are some recordings of him here and there. It is nice to be able to hear his voice even though I cannot see him.

There are a number of people I have lost contact with over the years, and it pains me having lost them. Even recently, I had been thinking about calling an old friend who I had likewise lost contact with. But, before I could contact him, I learned of his death only the week before. I had waited too long, and would never get the closure I sought. I missed out on having closure with several people. I was not there when my mother died, I was not there when my father died, and there will be countless other people I will never get to tell how important they are to me.

Lost opportunities. We cannot go back, and we cannot change things if we wait too long. It is important that we tell people that they matter to us. We may never get another opportunity.

THE ESSENTIAL HURTING OF LOVE

2009-06-13T20:26:00.001-07:00

First of all, as I logged in to write this post, I have an app on my blog that randomly displays quotes. This quote stood out, this quote seemed directed right at me.

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"
Anonymous

I have not been writing in my blog as often as I perhaps should. I have been rather distracted by my personal life. In typical form, I have been over-thinking and over-analyzing things. I have come to a point where I feel pretty good about things in general, and like the man I am becoming. I see the change, other people observe the change, ergo, I must be changing. Change does not come easy for me, and I realize today the need for yet another change. At least in regards to my relationships. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

I just learned how to truly communicate honestly, openly, and unabashedly about my feelings. "My Feelings..." I guess it is is a little selfish of me to think it important to be able to communicate how I feel. The thing is, much of my life I was counseled to "let go of my feelings" to "quit holding them in", to just "say how I feel", and to "allow people in". At one point, I was standoffish and reclusive, shy and timid to the point of letting people walk all over me while I allowed all my hurts, pains, and frustrations to fester into anger.

Pretty cool, huh? A former "anger junkie" comes clean. Well... you know what I have to say about that? Poop. Nothing more, nothing less, just Poop. I do not want to think of myself as an anger junkie. I don't. Who would? I do not waste my time with drugs, why would I waste my time with anger? Good question. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and in this remarkable period of clarity I have been experiencing, I have been coming up with at least some startling answers. I have also come up with a couple more equally troubling questions.

Observation number 1.

If it is as they say, "Time is money" why is time so valuable? Of all the resources we have, time is the most valuable. It is the only resource that is not replenishable. Each one of us knows that our time is limited. In each of our lifetimes, we only have a given amount of time, the exact length and duration of which being unknown, but the finality looms inevitably in the distance. Death is tangible. We only have one shot through this thing we call life, and there are no second chances. When our time is gone, it is gone.

Observation number 2.

The value of love. Love is another resource we can never have too much of. But it is replenishable. We can always choose to love, whether or not we are loved in return. I have learned that there is an immutable truth about love. We have all heard it said that "it takes money to make money", and "In order to have a friend, one must first be a friend." This rule can be applied across the board about most everything.

In order to have trust, One must first trust.
In order to have love, one must first love.
In order to .... fill in the blank. (Ad infinitum, ad nauseaum)

Observation number 3.

It is always worth it, to take the chance on love. Things may not work out. You may get hurt (you probably will). You may be disappointed. But... in my opinion, for the hope of love, it is worth it always. It is your choice. You can try to hide your head in the sand hoping not to get hurt, and end up looking as silly as an ostritch. OR... you can take a chance, put yourself on the line, and risk getting hurt... in the hopes of love. I choose the latter.

Okay, so obviously I have some free time on my hands right now to consider these things. Where did this time come from? I am no longer living with my girlfriend. According to her, she has not been my girlfriend since Valentines Day. Okay, it is not that she did not make herself clear in February. She made herself quite clear. However, I did not give up. I continued to talk to her, profess my love to her, try to talk to her, and even though it has been difficult at times, I have continued to love her anyway. A choice I have made before, and likely will make again in order to maintain my sanity. It occurs to me now that In this area I have been having controlling behaviors, and as such, I need to address this area in my life and elicit a change, because these behaviors are not acceptable to me. I had not realized it before now, and therefore, it is good that I wrote about this today.

Observation number 4.

Everything in life is transitory. Everything can be lost or taken away. But, when you give away love, that cannot be taken from you. ~ME~

I have learned through my experience that even love can be transitory. A person can rescind their love. When my wife left me for the last time, and as she drove away, I hoped and strained to see if she would look back, or even glance back in the mirror. She did neither. As my last hope faded that I could save the relationship, I realized that even if she no longer loved me, I could still love her. As I write that now, I realize how pathetic that sounds. I was pathetic. Maybe I still am. But, I am changing, and that moment was crucial to the beginning of that change.

Life went on. It always does. Two years passed before I saw my wife again. In the few seconds it took the Judge to sign the papers, our 12 year marriage ended. It was then that I realized that she was still angry at me. But I still held feelings for her, and even the divorce could not take those feelings away. Who was I fooling? Another two years have passed since the divorce was final, and I have moved on again. But some pretty remarkable changes have occured in my life in those two years. I fell in love again with another woman, and I thought she was "The One". This is the woman and the relationship I am struggling with now.

However, during the last two years I have taken a class that has changed the way I see things, and has helped me to change the way I respond to people. It is because of that class that I now realize that even though I am no longer angry and abusive, I still struggle with control issues. I really thought I was doing much better in that regard, but with this realization comes the determination to change my behavior. I really am glad for that class now. I cannot believe I am saying that considering how resistant I was to being in that class in the first place. But I am realizing that with the ending of that class, came the beginning of a new life for me. I realize that I can even now benefit from returning to those classes. I am sure that Brad will be pleased that I am still benefitting from his class.

Anyway, as a man I have been conditioned from childhood to believe that feelings are a sign of weakness. Growing up, men are (or at least used to be) misinformed that it is not okay for a man to cry. We are drilled with the mistaken belief pattern that we are supposed to be in charge, in control. We are given many adages to fuel this misconception. "A man's home is his castle" is but one such adage. It is little wonder that the county courts are filled to the brim with domestic violence cases, with divorce cases, and with restraining orders. The "sins of the father" are often visited upon the son, and are often repeated from generation to generation. At some point a man must stand up and say "No More!" How long must violence be a generational curse? It is not that we do not know any better, but old habits are hard to break. We see our fathers and the men in our young lives acting a certain way, and our impressionable young minds believe that is the way we treat people. Anger is something that is also learned. If we are not given the tools we need to handle conflict early on, the conflict may become a way of life. Then, all of these things, the anger, the abuse, and the violence must be unlearned. Changing a behavior once established is difficult, especially when it is entrenched within our identities and our belief systems.

Looking back at the change in my life, I wonder how I made it as far as I did without getting in trouble with the law. I wonder how these attitudes and behaviors, now abhorrent to me, were once something I accepted, and expected my wife and girlfriends to accept. The hard part is that the reality of the situation is that women who were abused as children, often subconsciously seek out abusers as prospective mates, and again the cycle of abuse continues. Why is it that we gravitate towards each other? What invisible force draws us to each other? My experience, and discussions I have had only substantiate this belief. I have heard women question "Why they are drawn to "bad boys" or controlling men over and over again?"

The responsibility to change rests not only on the men in these relationships, but also the women. I am sorry, but in every relationship it takes two. One person cannot fight alone, and they cannot change alone. Both people must set a standard of what is and is not acceptable behavior in their relationship. Whether it is simply a rule to fight fair, or an understanding that when all else fails, one or both of the people needs to have a way of disengaging before it escalates out of control. Even the Bible instructs us not to let the sun set on our anger. I have learned that it is never acceptable to abuse or control another person in a relationship.

Life is a process, and throughout our lives, change is a constant. It happens whether or not we want it to. Things change, circumstances change, times change, relationships change, and in order to keep up, we ourselves must change as well. I only hope that one day I find someone who appreciates the amount of effort, the amount of heartbreak, and the amount of love it has taken for me to make these changes in myself, and what it takes for me to continue changing my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. As in any addictive behavior, it requires a great deal of determination, support, and prayers to be successful.

FAMILY TIES: By Blood, and By Choice

2009-06-01T03:24:00.000-07:00

Most of my life I have had people tell me how talented, how gifted, how good looking, how intelligent, how loving, or simply how good I was. My step father being the exception, of course, spent about nine years tearing me down. Funny... actually, not so funny, when it is all said and done, it is his words that ring in my head the most, telling me what a worthless piece of shit I am. Only problem is that some years ago I realized that it was not his voice I heard anymore, but my own voice instead. Stuff like that has a tendency to stick with a person whether or not they want it to. All the praise I heard my whole life was negated by the words of one angry and bitter old man. Much of my adult life has been spent on the path towards the same sort of anger and bitterness he showed toward me. Thankfully, I had a wake-up call, and chose another path.

I wrote a blog earlier that I wanted to share with my sister, but when she became available, I was on my way out the door. So I sent her the link to my blog here. Apparently she read the whole thing in my absence. It must have moved her, because this is what she wrote to me in Yahoo Messenger.

"I read the entire blog, watched the video,the poem,and you know that I have always loved your photography and your poetry so this will not be news to you, and I still do love it. Having said that I want you to realize how talented you are, ok? This one time in your life pay attention to what I am saying to you Jeffery!!!"

She continues, "Just this once try your best to understand what I am saying to you , Please? You are a good man, that good man has been inside you for your whole life,struggling to get out. I, for one, am glad that he has finally fought his way out. You have made it very difficult, but the nice Jeffery , not many people have not been allowed to see has finally made himself known . Please give him some room to live, I like him a lot and others will too!!! That man that BobbiJo figured out some 25 years ago is really a very nice man and we both care deeply for him."

I guess you would have to know us, bad luck for you, to understand the dynamics of hers and my relationship. Since I was a little boy, she has been there, usually throwing shit at me. She has a tremendous heart, and a giving nature. But, like many people, she has been hurt too, a lot, and not too many people get in far enough to see past the pseudo-Donna who can be (when the notion hits her) a bit of a ... ahem... dare I say, "Bitch"? (I can hear her already saying, "You say that like it's a bad thing!") The Pseudo-Donna is tough, mean, and ain't gonna take no shit from anyone. The Pseudo-Donna has been hurt, has had enough speed bumps in her life to make the ride memorable. The Pseudo-Donna is apt to put on a leather jacket, stiletto heels (to make her look 6'-5") and grab a bat and a gun if necessary on her way out the door to put out yet another fire somewhere, or to kick some serious butt. (I pity the fool.) The Pseudo Donna is only one aspect of the woman I call sister. The other aspect is a pain in the butt too. LOL I know she will read this, so that last was just me baiting her. I thrive on giving her a ration of crap. I have been doing it for years, and see no reason to stop. I have toned it down a little, but not much.

Now, the real Donna, Momma Donna to most of the graduating classes of 2000 and 2001, is still a little rough around the edges. Life was not easy for her, and her parents were not always there for her, in fact rarely were they. As a result, she put out a tremendous effort to be sure the kid had absolutely no doubt that she would do anything for her... ANYTHING. The kid was number one in Donna's life. (Still is, in fact, or perhaps a close second behind the new grandbaby!) The real Donna will make sure you have a full belly. She will make sure you are warm and dry. The Real Donna, only known to a very select few, wears her heart on her sleeve. She will give you shit, and/or throw things at you if she feels you deserve it. But, like so many kids before me, and countless after, the real Donna was always there for you. This is part of why my mother adopted Donna as her own. as far as Mom was concerned, Donna was her daughter. Over time, it was so much easier to give up on the explanation. She is, as far as I am concerned, or anyone else is concerned, my sister. Most people now aren't aware of the truth of the matter. We are not blood relatives. In this case that is good, because with few exceptions, neither one of us care for our blood relatives. But... fortunately for me, family is not defined by how many common genes are shared. Family is defined by the heart.

I really should make it a point someday to thank her for being one of the few constants in my life, for being there to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, or to just be the target of my abuse. I cannot think of many brothers and sisters who are any closer than Donna and I, and it means a lot to hear her praise me so highly, because, like most family, she has seen me at both my best and my worst, but loves me anyway.

Truthfully speaking

2009-05-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

For the last couple years I have been finding that I am growing intolerant of some things in my life. I am finding that I do not have room in my life for dishonesty for example. I haven't the patience to dink around with wasting words when it comes to expressing my feelings. I am also finding that as I move further away from the angry man I used to be, I am by far more direct and honest than I have ever been. Communication and honesty are at the top of my list of importance in my relationships. I have learned that respect and trust may be more important than love. You can't really have love without trust and respect.

This is a painful realization for me, because in the past 6 months especially, since I moved out of my girlfriend's house, I have had the opportunity to observe the change in her behavior, and how she treats me, and also, more importantly, the change in how I respond to the feelings I have. I am more vocal than I have ever been, telling everyone point blank what and how I am feeling, and if I were to choose one word to describe what this has done for me, that word would be "Freedom". The more direct and honest I am, the more free I feel. I believe that this change in the way I handle things has resulted in a reduction in my blood pressure, my stress level, and my overall happiness.

A couple years ago, I still did not have the tools necessary to handle stress. I would become frustrated because I had feelings I was not able to articulate. My frustration would lead to anger, and then violence. Unable to express my feelings verbally, I expressed them behaviorally. This is not something I am proud of, however, having had the opportunity to look closely at my behavior, and my life in general, I am so very thankful for the transformation in my life. That is not to say that my life is where I want it to be, but I am a lot more accepting of the things I am not able to change. Yep! I am a freakin' walking serenity prayer.

Anyway, for the past several months I have been feeling a more and more urgent need to tell her how I am feeling, but have been unable to do so. In part, I have been afraid to talk to her about these feelings, because I do not want to hurt her feelings. But let's face it, that is not fair to either of us. I also feel like she has been using different controlling behaviors to avoid the discussion that would define our relationship. This is how I feel, but in all fairness, I am biased. I am not seeing both sides, only mine, so this is certainly a unilateral narrative. But, I feel that for the past several months she has been giving me just enough of what I need to keep me hanging on. She has been telling me that she loves me. She occasionally calls me "her guy" which I love hearing. She Texts me telling me that she loves me and misses me. She does little things that show me she cares. But.... at the same time, she is actively looking for other men online. She has dated several, and there are times when I feel she is being evasive and dishonest to me.

Maybe she does not want to hurt my feelings, but I feel like she is rebelling right now. She was in a marriage for 16 years, and has a 9 year old son. The marriage was not healthy, and ended badly, and her ex is a total jerk. I understand that she needs time to get over the divorce, I understand that she is finding herself free for the first time... well, ever. But we had been in a relationship. I wanted to marry her. The problem is that she has hurt me, and has done enough, let me down enough, pushed me away enough that I have lost the trust and respect I once had for her. Don't get me wrong, I still have trust and respect for her, but not in all areas. I do not believe her when she tells me we will get together. I do not believe her when she promises to be somewhere at a given time. I do not know if she has been sleeping with these men she has dated, and I do not think I want to know. I am already jealous, and distrustful.

What I want, what I need, what I expect in a relationship, is honesty. I want your yes to be yes, and your no to be no. I want you to show up in a timely manner when you say you will. I want you to communicate with me when things come up. I do not want to be sitting or standing around all day waiting for you to show up. I want you to tell me that I am important to you. I need you to not only tell me that you love me, but I need you to prove it. If I am your boyfriend, then aside from God and your son, I want to be first in your life. I do not want to feel like I am always taking a backseat to everyone. I hate feeling like I am your standby. I need to feel important to you. I need to be able to talk to you, to communicate. I cannot sit on these feelings indefinitely. I have been through a lot learning how to control my anger, and it is very important to me to be able to no longer stuff my emotions. I have no room for anger in my life anymore.

... oops! Kinda slipped into the first person there... but you get the point. I need to know where I stand, I want and deserve the truth. I am capable of great love, and I feel so much love... the man I am now is by far a better man than I have ever been. I am even willing to wait... but these issues need to be addressed. If not now, then later. I am not going to change this honesty and directness. Sorry. I like who I am. For the first time in my life I can say that. I like being 40 something. Even though there are things I need to change in my life, my life is good. I just wish I did not feel like I were traveling though it alone. I want and need someone to share it with. I have so much love to give, it just does not feel right not having to spend so much of it alone in front of this computer. But, for now, I have my health to focus on, and with summer coming, I hope to ride my bike a lot more.

Maybe I don't have time for a girlfriend after all.

MIA usually an attitude problem. Sorry. My Bad.

2009-05-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was again reminded today of the fact I have not written in my blog in quite some time. I would like to say that I have been busy, but the truth is, no more so than normal. But still, something has been keeping me from writing. I have not been too busy. I have no life to speak of, so too busy is not accurate. I have plenty of time to write a few lines in either of my blogs. Yet I haven't. I would like people to assume I have a life, but whether or not I write in a blog will likely have little bearing on the outcome. The people online may incorrectly assume I am busy, therefore I have a life. The people I know in real life, who do not read this blog, but if they did, they would , knowing me already, correctly say I have no life. The fact is, I have a boring life, and it is unlikely that blogging or not blogging is going to fill whatever hole in my life I am trying to fill.

It strikes me that the reader here might find solace in the things that are not written.

If I am not writing in my blog regularly, several things are likely true.

I am doing okay. I am neither excelling at anything, nor am I in the abject pits of dispair.

I may actually be busy, but the previous observation would also hold true.

The status quo is maintained.

It is also possible that in my blogs, as in my life, when things are troubling me and I do not want to talk about it, I won't. I have a tendency when things are not going as well as I would like in my life, I pull away from friends and family, and away from the things I like to do. I will close my door, my window sometimes, and curl up under blankets trying to "sleep off" whatever is bothering me. So, perhaps if I am not writing, a reader may assume that I am just working things out and trying to gain a new, or at least different perspective.

In this most recent absence from my blogs, I think a little of each situation applies here.

I am well, well enough anyway, there are things bothering me, specifically my financial situation, my living arrangement, and my current on again, off again relationship. These things weigh heavily on me, and while I may want to write, actually sitting down to do it is difficult. Some things it seems are still a little difficult to talk about. Bottom line for now, Don't worry. I have not forgotten you. I am just very distracted right now. Just knowing you care is all I need, and if you need me to tell me that you are still important to me, whether I write or not in my blog, just email me directly and let me know. I can't hide from my email as well as I can hide from my blog. I will definitely reply.

Anyway, I do have a couple things of note to write about. My sis and I just hopped on the Max, a first for both of us, to go see my nephew. Another relative first... and even though we were a little nervous at first, we are glad we went, and we did have a good time. I am posting a few pics here.

The other thing that seems a little important.... Well, I am excited about it. Waterfront Blues Festival, July 4th Weekend. Portland, Oregon. Etta James and Johnny Winter are among the acts playing. I am SO going to that concert. For $10 and a two can donation to the Oregon FoodBank? I am so already there!

OLD CITY CEMETERY

2009-04-23T23:38:00.001-07:00

I took a walk today down the hill from my house to the old City Cemetery. It was a nice day, and I thought I should take a few snapshots.

Detail of A Woodman of the World Headstone

This little headstone made me sad.

These Headstones are losing ground to this tree

which appears to have pushed them aside as it grew.

Many stones like this one were very simple.
Only a name, without a date.

Some said merely "HUSBAND",
"MOTHER", "SON", or "DAUGHTER".

Except for this bird, I was the

only visitor to the graveyard today.

I wonder if this man is still remembered 113 years later.

I marveled at how well this headstone has weathered
the years compared to other stones in this graveyard.

Like this headstone, broken and weathered over time,

or perhaps vandalized. The stone remains, but for the casual observer,
it is impossible to know anything about the person buried here.

This stone has not weathered too well.

Much of the carving has been lost to the elements.

ON BEING A GRANDFATHER

2009-03-17T03:20:00.000-07:00

A year ago, had you told me I would be a grandfather, I would have probably disbelieved you. Last year, had you told me that I would relish the role, I would have thought you had been drinking... a lot. A month ago, had you told me I might actually be good in the role of GrandPa, I would have been absolutely certain you were on crack.

Life is funny. I have not got a clue how change occurs. It just seems that one day you look back and realize that your life no longer even resembles the life you once knew. It somewhat freaks me out when I reflect on my life and see myself acting differently than I ever have. I think differently, I act differently, and across the board, I feel differently. Once in a while, the old Jeffery pokes his head out, and I am stunned. Especially when I remember what an asshole he used to be.

Years ago, when I first got married, I was not able to loosen up enough around people, especially children, to be able to just be myself. I have no idea now what my dysfunction was, but whatever it was it really screwed up my relationships. I was emotionally unavailable to my wife, my stepson, my friends, and my family. While I always held something back in my relationships, generally a defensive thing, so as not to allow people to get close enough to hurt me, I never realized that I was holding back the good stuff as well. The things that make me special and unique, the parts of me that are loving, caring, compassionate, and tender were seldom seen. What was I thinking? Why did I see these things as weaknesses, or character flaws? In my quest to keep from being hurt again in my life, I distanced myself emotionally from everyone who mattered to me, and in the end, the person that did hurt me was myself. I hurt myself in ways I never thought possible, the whole while unaware, and miserable.

Children have always gravitated toward me, as have animals. Often dogs and cats that will approach no one else will approach me. I assume that children and animals are more perceptive to such things, and saw me for the man I was inside, the man I was trying to hide. I have always been terrified of children. I like them fine, I enjoy watching them play, and I appreciate their inherent candor. They call things as they see them. But I never really knew how to be a child, let alone how to act around them. As such, I really failed as a step father. My moodiness, my anger, and my fear paralyzed me. It was not that I did not care or that I did not love my step son, but I was not effectively able to communicate that to him. Thankfully he grew up to realize that in spite of my myriad flaws, I did care about him, and in turn, he still loves and accepts me as his stepfather, and seems to want me as a part of his life. In a phrase, "How Cool is that?"

So, even though my medical conditions apparantly prevent me from having kids of my own, (Knock on Wood) I still get to be a grandfather because like me, my stepson married into "insta-family"; His beautiful bride having a five year old daughter from another relationship. I am a lucky man. I never thought I would be a father, or a grandfather, and I thought I would pretty much die alone. It is becoming apparant to me as I get older that I likely will not die alone because somewhere along the line, I made a difference. I have an ex wife, a step son, a new daughter in law a grand daughter, several friends a handful of nieces a new grand nephew, a couple nephews, a brother and his family..... all of whom I matter to. Of course, I have a couple other nephews and nieces and some half sisters who may not ever know I was gone, but on the whole, I am starting to realize that whether or not I meant to, whether or not I tried, my life impacted others around me. I did make a difference.

I am not an old man, but I am growing a perspective of a man who is much older than my chronological age might suggest. I am aware that a large part of the reason for this is precicely because I have been through so much, because my health has been so bad, because I am aware that I may not have as many trips around the sun as I would like remaining to me. But, don't worry, I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. I just find it odd that I am no longer afraid of death like I used to be. When I was a lot younger the very idea of dying terrified me. But now that I am older and having faced death personally a couple times, I realize it is not something I need to fear. It is just a part of life.

But, all this raises questions in my mind, the most prominent of which is one I ask myself a lot; "Whatchugonnadoboutitasshole?"

The simple answer is "I don't know". What I do know is that I can look forward to a life unlike the life I once knew. The writing, as it were, is on the wall. These changes that have been happening in my life for the past five years have really caused me to look at things in a completely different way, and as I said at the beginning of this blog, I no longer feel, think, or act like I used to. No one is more surprised by this than me.

However, yesterday, when GrandPa Jeff walked into his son's home and handed GrandDaughter Macaylah a pretty new doll (which according to Mac's preference toward all things "Beauty and the Beast" she promptly named "Belle".) and read a Princess Book to her while the other adults were busy, GrandPa Jeff scored some serious GrandPa points. I believe that GrandPa points entitle me to a plethera of hugs and cuddles, and sloppy kisses, though not sure about that.

Now, this experience sounds pretty normal to the casual observer, but if you knew me, especially as I used to be, you would know that this is not like me. I have always been uncomfortable around children. I have never read aloud to one, I have never been real big on hugs and kisses. I have never been real patient with children in general. So.. when this all came so naturally to me, I was a little surprised. My ex wife and stepson both looked at me slackjawed, like "WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH JEFF?"

I honestly do not know what happened to him. I see him less and less these days. I know he is still in there somewhere, and dread his visits. I like who I am becoming. For the first time in my life, I feel okay in my skin. I am looking forward to being GrandPa, and watching mac grow into the beautiful young woman I know she is going to be. The only thing I have not done to that end, yet, is I have not yet told her I love her. But somehow, I think she already knows.

TRESPASSER

2009-03-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

I had an uninvited, albeit not entirely unwelcome guest in my home today. The weather today being a bit severe, what with hail, snow, and rain, one of the critters who calls the hillside behind my apartment his home came up to the sliding glass doors, and with paws on the glass looked inside longingly as if to say "Let me in! I'm cold and hungry!" Unexpectedly, my room mate Bergie opened the door, and the little bugger walked right on in, unafraid. So, I went to my room and grabbed the bag of nuts I keep for my hamster "Little Jack" and a camera.

I managed to get only two photos of our guest, but was truly amazed at the boldness of our little guest who actually came in several times to get the nuts, even taking them from my hand when offered. It is obvious that this young squirrel has had some human contact before, and that perhaps hunger outweighs caution. In any case, I thought this experience was cooler than heck, and to be frank, it made my entire day. Guess I will have to be sure to keep nuts on hand for my new friend.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ME

2009-03-04T17:10:00.000-08:00

I have been working on an idea for another blog entry at The Back Nine, a little photoshopping, and an image of a milk carton. While googling images of Milk Cartons, I ran across this little gem at Belle's Printables along with many other neat things. Some like this are free to download and use, and others there are fees for, payable through paypal. These crafty little items appealed to me as a man, because inevitably I find myself thinking of those last minute little somethings for friends and family. What I saw here was something simple, easy to make, yet somehow with a personal touch. In the case of this tiny little box, I printed up the free template then cut and folded along the lines. With a red sharpie, I colored the heart, and then with only a couple drops of glue from a glue pen, it ended up looking like this. I stopped at the local market, and bought some chocolate kisses which I put in the box. (3 fit comfortably) The little Korean lady that owns the store saw me trying to fit the kisses in the box, and was fascinated at the box. She liked it very much. "Is cute. You do good!" As I left the store I guess she was trying to figure out how it was put together. But the real joy was the smile that replaced the frown on the face of the person I gave it to. They were having a bad day, and the little gesture that said "I care" made all the difference in the world.

The little things do matter. Often times they are the most important things.

Anyway, I fired off an email to Belle, and asked her if it was all right if I posted the pic of the box here (it is after all her design) and received reply back in a couple hours telling me to go ahead. Based on her reply, it was polite, friendly, and prompt, I would have to assume doing business with her would be the same. Her site is certainly something worth checking out.

A NEW BLOG & A NEW PLACE TO RANT

2009-02-28T06:00:00.001-08:00

For those of you that follow this blog, I hope you will look at my new blog. I had a sort of epiphany, and needed a place aside from here to explore other thoughts. Please Check it out, tell your friends if you want, and by all means, comment on my photoshopping. LOL I will be posting in both places.

http://backnine2020.blogspot.com/

FIRST NEW POEM IN A LONG WHILE

2009-02-25T03:46:00.001-08:00

I do not know why the only time I feel inspired to write poetry is when my heart is broken, or when my life is in turmoil. Perhaps it is simply because it is during these times that I feel things most intensely, and perhaps I have no other outlet. I have a blog in the draft stage that is no where near ready to post, but this poem came from my broken heart this morning. It is written about my ex girlfriend/ex lover/ex friend Corrie. I did not choose for it to be over, I did not want it to end. But a lot of things have been going wrong for a long time, and yesterday she erased me from her life. Her friends erased me from theirs as well it appears. None of them read this, and it would not matter if they did. There is always one person left behind when a relationship ends. She was looking for a new relationship the whole time we were together, so I really am the fool here. But, broken hearts and promises. I still love her, and am in the grieving stage. So... as follows... my poem. Thanks for reading.

Brown Glass Eyes

(for Corrie)

As I look into my heart
Shattered beyond repair
To the place you used to occupy
Unable to find you there

I think about the love we had
The tears and laughter shared
The joy of your touch, the softness of your skin
In precious moments paired

I think of the flecks of gold and green
cast by God Himself in perfect array
The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
Closed forever to me this day

I think of the succulent taste of your lips
As they caress mine with tender kisses
I think with fondness of your hand in mine
And of the love my heart now misses.

An empty void in my heart
A hole inside my head
I did not want us to part
And I wish that I were dead.

You seemed to be the perfect one
Imperfect just like me
Happily I lived with you and your son
And prayed for our life to be

But now you have erased me from your life
And burned me from your heart
The dreams that you would be my wife
You methodically tore apart.

Your friends I see have erased me too
I must admit that really hurt me bad
I guess I had hoped for more from you
So I am more than a little sad.

From Zero Attraction
and fear of being hurt
My heart is in traction
Ground into the dirt

But the communication failed, the trust was broken
I thought that you loved me, I thought your love was true
But over time the untruths that were spoken
In your search to find someone new

You never gave me a chance to validate your heart
You felt unworthy of the love I gave
You were bent on destruction from the start
Now there is precious little to save

After all the trials that we faced,
After all that we had been through
From the day we first embraced
I fell in love with you.

I thought that we shared a love
Two lives once broken, joined and made anew
A gift to us from God above
I thought we shared a love, but turns out only I loved you.

THE TRUTH HURTS (A LOT SOMETIMES)

2009-02-24T16:09:00.000-08:00

Truth... why is it that something so simple, so basic, so pure, not entirely unlike Love, Why does it have to be so subjective? Why is it that something as simple as honesty and truth can get lost in the shuffle? Why is it okay for a person to accuse another of dishonesty while boldly lying themself?

I really had other things I wanted to write about, happier things, but instead, the truth got in the way. So, if you find yourself reading this, and thinking, "Gee! He sounds angry!" That would be true. I am very angry today. I feel hurt, and betrayed, and used, and... dismissed. That is why this lengthy... (oh yes! It will be very lengthy!) blog is going to read a lot differently than any of my previous entries. It will look different, and sound different precisely because I am angry, and I have no other place to vent this complex hodge podge vomitus of emotion. It has to go somewhere, these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings.... I have to direct this somewhere constructive. If I had the money, I would take this all to my class that I need to get back to. Problem is, everything that I learned from the class, and I learned a lot, everything I learned is being tested. The best I can do right now is to acknowledge that I am in fact angry, and that I have a right to be angry. I do not, in my anger, have the right to be abusive or controlling of anyone else, and I am angry enough to stammer..... I cannot effectively articulate verbally how I am feeling. This is why I am sharing a part of me I have not shared so openly, so publicly before.

It is not always easy to admit when you make mistakes, and Lord knows I have made a large number of real doozies in my lifetime. I have learned a lot from my mistakes over the years, and by and large, I would not change a thing. I am older now than I have ever been before (talk about an astute observation.. D'oh!) and I would like to think I have aquired a little wisdom along the way. The reason I would not change much if anything in my past is because I realize that the man I am today is a product of the lessons I have learned, and the experiences I have had. It has taken me a lifetime to get to where I am, and I am glad to say that on the whole I finally like the man I see in the mirror. That is not to say that I am completely happy with the results of my choices, or the painful nature of some of the consequences of those decisions, both good and bad. Even at 40 something, a man can experience "growing pains".

Reality Check: Whether or not we like it, life is all about learning from our mistakes, trying very hard not to make the same mistakes again, and whenever possible, to share the lessons learned with our children, and those who may benefit from our experiences. I hated it when I was young, and my elders addressed me with phrases like, "Do as I say, Not as I do", or "Do you think I like the sound of my own voice?" (the answer to that question was in itself a learning experience..... case in point, when your father asks that question, whatever you do, it is in your best interest to resist the urge to respond in the affirmative; Instead, a simple "No Sir" will suffice nicely!) The thing to remember is that they are generally speaking from some sort of personal experience, and I, for one, choose to believe that in the majority of instances where one hears these types of phrases, the speaker really is trying to save us a lot of trouble down the road they have already travelled. One day, we too will attempt to pass our combined knowledge on to those who in our eyes would most benefit from hearing it. Are you buying this? I digress, I am getting off track a bit. Moving On.....

Mistakes... I have made my share plus several. Some of them were memorable enough to impact the rest of my life and the choices that followed. In no area did I make more mistakes than in my lovelife and my relationships. Sadly, those mistakes generally had the highest personal cost, which was not limited to how they affected me. When a person is involved in a relationship with another, the potential for hurt feelings and heartbreak to be felt by others is significantly more than if you were to lead a hermit's lifestyle. It is often referred to as a ripple effect. In my class, I learned to refer to it as collateral. We do not always intend to say and do things to hurt others It just happens.

I have tried to be a better man than I used to be. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of time in the Bible. I have journalled extensively, and I have opened my life up to anyone who cares to look, and my heart up to those that gave me hope. I look at myself in the mirror and see a milder, somewhat diffused version of the man I once was. I am less prone to anger, and more prone to discussion. I cannot look at myself in the same way as I once did, not do most people. Even my Ex Wife has noticed the changes in me, and marvelled at the change, something she never thought she would see.

2009-02-20T07:14:00.000-08:00

Okay... I just ran across this on one of the blogs I follow. It is about the coolest thing I have seen in a long time.... next to celephane wrap on a toilet bowl... thats still pretty funny. Just Kidding! Geez! But, if you use batteries, How cool is this? Solar Batteries... recharge simply by placing in the sunlight. Awesome!

http://www.livbit.com/article/2009/02/19/the-solar-batteries/

MORAL COMPASS? SPINNING RESOLUTELY OUT OF CONTROL, THANKS FOR ASKING.

2009-02-18T02:32:00.000-08:00

I am in a quandry this morning. I have a lot on my mind.

Why is it that things must be so difficult sometimes?I am not a

bad man, I'm not. Okay, okay... you can quit laughing anytime.

You ! In the corner! I hear you snickering! Don't make me open

a can of Whup-Ass! Even Jessica Rabbit once said, "I'm not bad;

I am just drawn that way!"

Okay, joking aside; Why is it difficult sometimes, knowing right from wrong as I do, to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to make the moral choice, and then stick with it? Why do things have to get so very complicated so very quickly? For me, my achilles' heel is women. I love women. I love the way they smell, taste, feel, and look. Still very much struggle understanding how they think. So, here is my dilemma: I have a girlfriend, at least I think I do, thought I did.... alright, that relationship is a little fuzzy right now. She is having a hard time knowing what she wants, and as angry as I get with the bullshit, I am having a hard time with the whole relational yo yo myself. There is a part of me that still genuinely loves this woman. As maddening as she can be at times, and angry as I want to be at her, as much as I want to just close the door by whatever means necessary and simply walk away, my heart is making it hard.

She mocks me in my dreams. I see her, and I feel her in my arms, and sometimes, it seems so very real. I hear certain songs on the radio, and again, whatever I am doing, wherever I am, as soon as I hear the song, there she is again.

I am reminded of a Delbert McClinton song. The lyrics follow:

You Were Never Mine

I saw someone again today

Who remembered me and you

They asked all the same old questions

I gave the same excuse

They said what a shame, what a shame

To lose a love so fine

But I never lost you, I never lost you

I never lost you, you were never mine

I kept on believing What I wanted to believe

The unspoken promises

That you could never keep

But it's a sin, oh it's a sin

To tell yourself a lie

I never lost you, I never lost you

I never lost you, you were never mine

Did you give me all you gave me

Just because I needed you

But when I needed all your love completely

Was it more than you could do

Sometimes deep in the night

When I hold you in my dreams

I get lost in your loving touch, baby

I can't believe how real it seems

And I know, yes I know

I'll have you 'till the end of time

'Cause I never lost you, I never lost you

I never lost you 'cause you were never mine

I never lost you, I never really lost you

How could I lose you, you were never mine

************

I believe that so many things are happening right now in my life to distract me from the important things. I believe that Ol' Scratch (Satan) is having a heyday with me right now by putting these circumstances and obstacles in my path. Now, being a Christian, I do know where the real power lays, and I know where I need to turn to find the resolution to my problem, but being human, being male, and all the flaws that come with those two birthdefects, I am prone to want to figure my own way out of this. Yep. Us guys are so adept at fixing things, that when we fix them, we fix them REAL good. Let's ignore the fact that whatever it was was no where near as broken before we showed up!

So... here it is, I am broken up with my girlfriend, or am I? I have yet to receive a definative answer from her. My ex wife and I are still friends, after everything that happened, and I want to be her friend. The possibility now exists that we could fix the broken in our failed and ended marriage. But should we? Do I really want to? I do not want to go back to the way things were, and as much as I care for her, the only change she has seen is the passage of years. She still lives exactly the same as she did when we first started dating, and I ignored it back then. In a marriage, I could no longer ignore it.

Suffice to say, I am anal retentive, and she isn't. I do not want to be the chief cook, bottlewasher, and house keeper again. No... I just do not want to pick up behind anyone all the time. I cannot live like that, in the situation she does. It would make me crazy. (Inferring that I am not yet? Right!) She has been alone since she left me, and I think she misses having someone around that is not covered in fur and doesn't hack up hairballs. But, even though I am thrilled that she has had the opportunity to see that I can and did change (after twelve years of fighting it), is that reason enough to try again? Both of our families and most of our friends are against it. For me, the appeal is being a part of a family again, for I am tired of being an outsider all the time.

I suppose much of my confusion is based on the fact that I also do not know what I want anymore. I have been distracted and not thinking very clearly for a long time now. I still love my ex wife, but I am not IN LOVE with her anymore. I am still IN LOVE with my ex girlfriend, but do not want the relationship to go on as it has. I cannot live wondering if and when she will betray my trust again. I cannot live with the feeling that I will always be last in her priorities. She says she loves me, but she has been looking for whatever it is she feels she is missing online, and has had relations with another man while we were still together.

Then again, I also cheated on my wife while we were married. I had relations with the one woman while we were still together, and three others after we were no longer living together. After the divorce was final, I met Corrie, and was terribly gunshy and cautious. It was months before we met in person, but after only three months of dating, we were sleeping together. We lived together for about a year, and then parted company, with me moving across town, and her moving out of state.I really tried to be a better man

ORANGE CATS

2009-02-16T18:57:00.000-08:00

I made this video a couple years back, more or less as a Mother's Day Gift for my Wife. This was one of the last things I did for her before she moved away. I never really thought I would see her again after she left, and with the exception of the divorce hearing, I was pretty much correct. But in the last 6 months or so, things have opened up in terms of our communication, so she was actually here today as I posted this video, and of course, it made her cry.

HIDDEN TALENTS

2009-02-16T06:33:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I consider my own mortality and wonder if, or how I will be remembered. Will I be remembered fondly for my sense of humor, or will I be remembered as a good and kind man? Will I be remembered for all of the mistakes I have made, or the many hurts I have caused? Will I be remembered at all, or will I be remembered for my many hidden talents? If I am remembered for anything, will those that remember me still wonder why I never did anything with my life?

I was chatting with a friend online last night, and shared some of my drawings. Her question of me was "What are you doing keeping all of this talent to yourself?" I really did not have a very good answer, but my response to her query was "I already know I am talented, but... I do not care enough about it to do anything about it. I do these things because I enjoy them. If I tried to do it for a job, I would grow to hate it."

She accepted my answer, but obviously did not agree with me. She told me "I'm not saying it would have to be a job. It would be sharing with others and maybe witnessing to some that may need it too." She continued, "...you and I really need to meet....so I can kick your butt!!! What are you doing? You have so much talent, and you are keeping it all to yourself. I'm not saying this because I think all art and talent should be exploited or something. But, gifts of this magnitude are meant to be shared for others to enjoy. God gave you this gift, it should be shared, and it can be shared in the terms of understanding that it comes from God, therefore helping others to become interested in what that means....and you could be helping others, whether it is kids who also doubt their own talent, or adults who have been thru a lot too."

Of course she is right. I could share my talents, my abilities, my art, my resources, my time, and even my life. There are many areas across the board where I have been very selfish, and there are many things I could be doing a lot differently. Even if I changed, and began to share more of myself, I may not make a difference in any one else’s life, but perhaps in opening myself up to others, perhaps it will be my life that is changed. Perhaps in letting go of my inhibitions, my fears, my insecurities, my pride.... perhaps in the letting go of these things I will find my life becoming better, and I myself growing happier, and healthier.

The images I am posting along with this blog are all pictures and cartoons and caricatures I have drawn the past couple years. Towards the end of 2006 I became interested in pointillism, and many of the drawings here are approximately the size of postage stamps. I will attempt later to post other drawings I have done, which include more cartoons, doodles, sketches, and even tattoos I have drawn. I have so many photos to go through, and boxes of paper... I cannot say how long it will take me to do all of this.

My friend was right, even though I have heard the same speech over the years from my ex wife, my sister, my girlfriends, my friends, my family, and just people who have seen the handful of drawings I have laying around. Every one of them it seems, is more interested in my potential than I am. Every one of them gets frustrated with me for not exploiting these gifts. I understand thier feelings, and have no problem understanding the point they keep trying to make. I just wish they could for one moment step into my shoes and understand how difficult this all is for me. Here I have something I like to do, and something I am good at, but to me, it will never be good enough. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and there is a certain order I have to keep. When things fall out of array or out of routine, It makes me crazy.

When I was young, I played the clarinet. I practiced seven days a week. However, I would never be allowed to ever become proficient at it. My step father was a rotten man. Angry, bitter, miserly, and mean. He was fine to everyone else, but to me, he was a tyrant. I was kicked out of my home, but my nephew was allowed to move in. I was not allowed to touch him ever, but he touched me often enough with a switch. For that matter, he touched me often enough with his fists and hands.

As for the clarinet, I was only allowed to practice in the cold unfinished basement. He hated the repetitious nature of my lessons, and did not want to hear me play. let alone hit the bad notes. Now, if you have played a reed instrument, you know it is not a pleasant sensation when you hit the bad notes anyway. But to have him ridicule me when I did play, and yell at me when I didn't, it created confusion in me. He was always reminding me how much the instrument was costing, and I "by God better make it worth the money he was paying." As best I can tell, it was never worth the money.

I was not allowed to eat in the same room as him, I was not allowed to leave my room except to eat and use the bathroom. I never was allowed to draw (waste paper) or build anything ("don't know how to use tools properly" Every step of the way instead of encouraging, loving, and teaching me, he beat me down and ridiculed me. He minimized every accomplishment I ever had, and never once called me by my name. Around other people I was referred to as "the boy", but when we were alone, I was usually some variation of "You worthless son of a bitch!" This killed whatever self esteem I had.

To this day, if I cannot do it well, I generally will not do it at all. I now know I have choices and I do try to make the right ones, but sometimes it is easier just not to try at all. Thats it in a nutshell. I hope you like these images. I am going to post this as it is, and will get back to the thought later. I have been awake since 4am, and with only three hours sleep under my belt, I am just not able to focus any more right now. Thanks for your patience.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, AND THANKS FOR THE BROKEN HEART

2009-02-14T03:45:00.000-08:00

I really blew it today. I know how and why I lost my composure, and yet somehow looking back at the things I said, it does not seem real. Maybe it has not sunk in yet. I blew it. I am in a miserable mood right now, mostly feeling sorry for myself. I am angry at myself, and I am angry at my ex girlfriend. The horrible part is that I feel like she finally forced me to do and say these things tonight. Because of my underlying emotions, and my feelings of loss of control in my life and relationship, I allowed my hurt feelings to fester into anger, and when I did that, it opened the door for me to act and talk in a way that was potentially abusive and controlling. Were my words abusive? Was I abusive? Was I really controlling? As I explore these questions and try to sort out my thoughts, I apologize for whatever emotions I may trigger from those that read this blog. I apologize for my intensity, and I hope you can forgive me. I am essentially just venting, and this is the only outlet I have at 4am on Valentine's Day.

My ex girlfriend and I have been struggling for a time. I know it is not all my fault as she might have others believe, and I know it is not entirely her fault, which I actually accused her of tonight. But there is so much more to this story, and I have to write about it. I HAVE TO.... for my sanity. I need to sort out these myriad thoughts and feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. I am presently feeling an overall sense of sick emptiness. My heart is crumbling yet again because I am in denial. I love this woman even though things have not been going well for awhile. I never wanted to hurt her, but yet it is precisely what she expected all along, and what she accused me of, what she challenged me to do everytime things got particularly difficult.

In order for me to do damage control tomorrow, likely by way of an email, I need to think about the things that are bothering me, and put them into words as opposed to feelings. I need to identify what hurt me and why it hurt me, I need to acknowledge that I am indeed angry, even if anger is actually a secondary emotion.

Here are some snippets I found about love.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.

Don’t leave everything to to god though, because:
“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”

Here is something positive for you,

“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. “

And as positive as it gets:

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.

Or you can laugh it away with something like:Nothing takes the taste out of peanutbutter quite like unrequited love.

And never giving up:

It takes a minute to like someone, and hour to love someone, but to forget someone takes a life time.

MORE PICS

2009-02-13T04:47:00.000-08:00

ROBO-BOB AND THE BOYS

2009-02-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

I am still scanning and editing the stack of photographs my exwife gave me, and in the last entry posted some pics of some posies and some pussies. (Flowers and Felines?) Looks like I will add a few more as I make more progress scanning them in. Aside from the yawn shots of Abbott and Costello (Red & Blue collars) there is one of the boys playing with their buddy Bob. I had a RoboSapien for a while, and not sure that the cats did not have more fun with him than I did. I was able to have Bob grasp one or more of their toys and play with the cats until Abbott (Red) took the toy away from Bob and dragged it to my ex to play with.

OLD PHOTOGRAPHS

2009-02-11T23:58:00.000-08:00

My exwife found a number of pictures I took during the last couple months we were together. It was summertime, a couple months after my heart surgery, and the flowers around our house were in full bloom, and our cats were out everyday playing in the sunshine. So, I am uploading several of the pics, including one of each of our kitties Abbott & Costello. (Abbott in Red Collar, Costello in Blue Collar)

SLEEP AID

2009-02-07T02:16:00.000-08:00

DECISIONS, DECISIONS...

I have sleep apnea, diabetes, a heart condition, and occasionally insomnia. Inotherwords, sometimes, life is a bitch. There are occasions, as I have mentioned previously in this blog, where for one reason or another, sleep evades me. Try as I might, I can lay down, count sheep, but I just see that working. Besides, sheep scare me. (Not Really) Tonight I decided to count liquor bottles. There were three of them in the freezer. Gee! I sure love having a choice! But sometimes it is so hard to make up your mind with so many choices available.

THE CHOICE MAKES ITSELF

So I looked at the bottles, and decided right away that Ouzo was a very bad idea no matter what time of the day it was. I could have done the black Velvet but my roomie cannot stand Wild Turkey, so even though the bottle is mine, I will leave it for him. (Actually, he has been drinking most of the Ouzo as well) So that leaves my favorite of the three, Wild Turkey on three rocks. If that wont relax me enough to find sleep, I do not know what will. I generally do not ever need more than one drink, and seldom drink more than a couple when I do, which is rare. I do not have a problem with drinking, I just have control issues and will not ever drink myself to oblivion. I do not like being out of control.

NIGHTCAP ANYONE?

So here it is, nearly 3am, and nightcap in hand, I am ready to call it a day. Tomorrow promises to be a long day. I am supposed to meet up with my (EX?) girlfriend at 5pm , and am a little nervous. She called it quits while insisting it was really my idea. Funny, I would think I might have remembered that. Relationships can be so difficult and draining at times. I do not know why it has to be so difficult to communicate when we both seem to be saying the same thing. On the one hand, neither one of us wants it to be over. I know I don't, and she says she feels the same way. But I am having a hard time telling these days. On the other hand, I am pretty tired of feeling like I was last on her list of priorities. I guess tomorrow I may find out.

HUMOR IN ADVERTISING

2009-02-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

I found this at Fred Meyers yesterday, and my room mate and I got a great laugh from it. Maybe because our minds are generally in the toilet (literally) we thought it was a riot. Even reading it straight, it was funny, because we both apparantly appreciate bathroom humor. Either that or because we realize the futility of anything covering some of the odors that come out of that room.

A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

2009-02-02T01:45:00.000-08:00

Introducing my GrandDaughter, Macaylah

About five months ago I met my stepson's fiance for the first time. She was shy, and quiet and scarcely turned away from the jigsaw puzzle she was working on. Shortly afterwards, my step son (Chris), his fiance (Betsy), and her daughter (Macaylah) visited me at my girlfriend's apartment. The very first day I met Macaylah it was her 5th birthday. I had nothing for her, but as Chris informed me she was about to be my grand daughter, I acted fast. Remembering a pair of stuffed Hersheys Kisses toys my ex wife (Chris' Mom) had bought for me many Valentines Days before, I presented those to Mac with as little ceremony as possible.

So, Chris and Betsy were married last weekend, and although brief, I was very glad to attend the ceremony. Perhaps later I may have some pictures to post. This weekend there were a couple firsts. I received my first kiss from my grand daughter. Her grandmother whined that she did not even merit a kiss from Macaylah, but somehow I did. So I teased that I would have to train the child to kiss my cheek whenever I asked for sugar.... my ex groaned, "You would!" The other first was a photograph, the first of me with my grand Daughter.

These things are important to me because I really have little family, and no biological children. Christopher is the closest thing to a son I will ever have, and I could not be prouder of him if he were my son. So for him to insist that Mac call me GrandPa Jeff, it makes me feel kinda warm and proud all at once. I was so worried that because I was such a schmuck, I would have a negative impact on his life. He turned out wonderfully in spite of me. He is a decent, hard working, loving man, who I have complete faith in. His bride is beautiful, and intelligent, and funny. She is a real kick in the pants. Macaylah is the embodyment of a little girl; sugar and spice and everything nice. Might want to cut back on the sugar though! She is a happy, smiling, active 5 year old who loves chattering and being the center of attention. She is very photogenic, as you can see by the way she posed for the camera above. Me? Chris' camera blinded me.... but a good picture nonetheless.

Here is the rub; I have never been a father. I have never been a grandfather. This is all a little new to me. I do not really understand what is expected of me in this role. I do not know how to be a grandfather. But.... with thanks to almighty God for the healing He has brought into my life and into the relationship with my ex, and my step son, I am looking forward to trying to be one.

OTHER PEOPLE'S TEARS

2009-01-30T16:50:00.000-08:00

Since I was up this morning, rather, since I was still up this morning, poking around my blogs, I ran across an old blog which marked a very important moment in my life. I was writing about my ex wife and our relationship, and something profound slipped out. I had quite forgotten about it until this morning. Well, since I know she has never seen my blog, and had never read the entry, and since we are now talking again after several years of not talking, I went ahead and called her at work (she works graveyard) and asked if I could share the blog (read it to her). http://thetruthhurts.blogspot.com/2005_08_20_archive.html (You can find it here)

So I began to read. I thought it would only take a couple minutes... may have taken a few, but as I began to read, I realized that she had become deathly quiet. I realized I had her attention, and she was listening to me, so I continued to read. Now, I know I can write halfway decent if I set my mind to it, and that on occasion I actually write quite well. I think the entry wrote itself for me, but it came out well. As I finished reading the blog entry, I realized that she was crying softly. This was confirmed moments later when she sniffled a little, and said, "You asshole!"

I never intended to make her cry. God knows how many tears she has shed because of me. I think back over my life, and while I have had more than my own share of tears, I recognize that I have been the cause of many more tears. Not only with my ex wife, but my current girlfriend, my past girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my nephew once or twice, a particularly rude and obnoxious customer at the bar I used to work at; the list goes on. How many tears besides my own am I responsible for? When I got married, Pastor Jon wished Terri and I "enough tears to make us tender". We should never have given him free reign to modify our ceremony as he saw fit. But, in retrospect, I kinda understand what he meant, and I am thankful.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Not everyone can remain friends with thier ex spouse. Not everyone has the opportunity to take a good long hard look at themself and then have the opportunity to change.

I guess perhaps I am approaching yet another crossroads in my life, and I will be facing the prospect of changing yet again. This time, I think, I will be changing to save my life. I have promised it so many times through the years, and it is past time, way past time I live up to my promises.

NOCTURNE

2009-01-30T02:42:00.000-08:00

Something is wrong. You feel somehow inexplicably that something is amiss, yet you cannot put your finger on it, and say "There! That's it! That is my problem!" No; you just do not feel right, and something deep inside you is telling you something is wrong. This is what I am feeling tonight, and it may be a large part of the reason I have not been sleeping well lately. This is like the third day of messed of sleep for me, and I have lost count of the number of days in a row that my stupid heart acted up. Yes, even now, as I type this, I can feel my heart beating rapid and irregular. Actually, it is in atrial fibrulation, so it is not so much beating in my chest as it is having a siezure. It is completely my fault too, I should not complain about my lot in life, or the trouble I have, because everything that is happening to me now is pretty much the result of me making some incredibly poor decisions in the past.

My heart; lack of exercise, smoking, bad diet, genetic predisposition aside, and diabetes aside, I made choices that affected my heart health, and I ended up with triple bypass at 37 years old. Too young for this sort of stuff. Okay, my diabetes situation is much the same.... Had I taken better care of myself.... and of course diabetes leaves me predisposed for heart disease.... CRAP!

Sometimes, I am afraid to go to sleep because on some level I am afraid I will not wake up. My father went to bed one night, he was 43 years old... he had been sick, and had just returned to work.... and that night died of a massive heart attack. I cannot say that less than 7 months before my 43rd birthday that it is not something I think about. I have long believed that I would not see past 43, but it was so much further away then. Now, it is practically here. My cardio surgeon told me if I did not change, I had 5 years, and that time is up in a few weeks. I think about this a lot and lament that I screwed up so bad. I had the opportunity to change... I had the opportunity to live.... but I wasted it. So.... leaves me asking myself: "Whatchugointodoaboutitasshole?"

For now, I am going to get my feet up, and try to get some rest. I will consider this all later.

THEMATIC APPERCEPTION TEST

2009-01-30T02:07:00.000-08:00

I realized that for some reason this poem was not legible when I posted it before, and since it is an image file and not a text file, it made it difficult to edit.. sorta. I broke it up to 3 larger images so it could be read. Have fun.

ANOTHER POEM

2009-01-29T18:32:00.001-08:00

I had to dig through my hard drive to find this. This was my last poem I wrote. I wrote it about a week and a half after my divorce was final. I think of it as closure. Until that point I had not given up on the hope my ex and I would get back together. No sooner than I wrote that, someone I had never met before messaged me online. I never really thought much about it. I was not looking for a relationship. Now here it is over a year and a half later, and we are still together. Further, in the past six months or so, I have had the opportunity to salvage at least some of the friendship with my ex. At least we have been able to talk out a lot of the residual issues left over from our failed life together. Reminds me... this photo was my ex's idea.. it is funny albeit quite awkward.

POETRY SCANS

2009-01-29T05:27:00.001-08:00

I want there to be some record of my having been here, that is why I write. But much of what I write has never been seen by more than just a select few. Today I am going to post some scans of some of my poetry. A warning though; I generally only have written poetry when I was depressed or in crisis, or when I was dwelling on something . I guess it is time to share. Feel free to comment on them if you wish.

RUMINATIONS

2009-01-29T03:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spoke to a friend who I met several years ago online, but having lost contact on more than one occasion, and letting much time pass, it was a little like starting from scratch. For each of us, like so much water under a bridge, life has continued on its merry way, years passed bringing us each closer to death. But life is not over for either of us yet and there is still time to do what God intended in the days that remain.

As Sheriff Chappy Dent (William H. Macy), in the 1999 movie "Happy Texas" said to Harry Sawyer (Jeremy Northam), "It's all about the finding out." That is the great thing about friends: Any amount of time can pass, even years, but when you see each other again, it is like no time has passed at all. You just pick up where you left off. In this case, the thing that strikes me is I really like how this person thinks and writes. I found them intelligent, articulate, and amusing. If I were not concerned with "the finding out", it would be my loss, because I believe in any relationship, the opportunity to grow as a person is always present.

During our brief chat last evening, I mentioned Leo Tolstoy's Diaries. He started his diaries when he was about 13 years old, and had filled 13 volumes by his death. Many of his entries were days, weeks, months, and on occasion years apart. I do not feel too bad that I too allow time to pass between my writings, whether it is journals or emails. I have , or would have about 8 volumes of journals had several of them not been lost to me. They represented about 20 years of my life. Too bad they were lost to me. I really need to get my shit together and start writing again. Many people have encouraged me, yet I still procrastinate, and fear rejection. Who would ever want to read what I have to say? Damn me and my low self esteem issues.

This is my first entry of 2009, and I think it is important to note that while I did not formally make any resolutions this year, I have decided to try to make 2009 the year I take back control. In the areas of my life where control is an issue, where I should have control but don't, specifically my health, and my attitude, I hope to take a more proactive approach, and change what I can. It is important, especially if I want to have a longer and healthier life. Something has to change, and I am the only person with the power to do that.

LEFT SIDE LUMPY

2008-10-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have a million things I need to be thinking about besides blogging, yet here I am. Feeling a little guilty perhaps because I am procrastinating, and I know it. I do not want to be doing all those other things. I do not want to be thinking about those million other things. First of all, I am tired. Got me a bunch of those annoying little aches and pains that come with getting older, and sleeping like a cat, sprawled across a bed, on top of pillows, blankets, et cetera. I know better than to do lumpy. But, I was tired when I laid down, and lumpy the bed was, so lumpy I now feel. Crap. Actually, it is my right shoulder, neck and side that hurt, but the caption "Left Side Lumpy" just sounded better.

I had better get used to it. I have shattered my elbow, dislocated both shoulders, had numerous broken bones, quite literally from my head to my feet. I am nearing middle age, and I should expect there to be more and more days where I will feel at least a little lumpy. I better learn to like it, or lump it. Gee... that sounded so much funnier in my head before I typed it.

PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED

2008-10-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

Dismally disappointed in myself, I find myself in a somewhat pensive mood this evening, and I want to write. I do not even really care what I write about, just so long as I write. Some of my best stuff comes when I sit down without a plan. I guess, if I do not have to be anywhere in particular, I am free to wander. Heck, some of the worlds greatest discoveries were made by accident. That is not to say that I am going to write about anything earth shattering here, but I am going to write, and haven't a clue where this mood is going to take me.

So... Lets start with the subject of honesty.

According to Wikipedia,

Honesty is the human quality of communicating and acting truthfully related to truth as a value. This includes listening, and any action in the human repertoire — as well as speaking.

Superficially, honesty means simply stating facts and views as best one truly believes them to be. It includes both honesty to others, and to oneself (see: self-deception) and about one's own motives and inner reality. Honesty, at times, has the ability to cause misfortune to the person who displays it. Honesty can also mean fairness, and truthfulness, and the avoidance of misleading people.

The Western Concept of Honesty

The concept of honesty applies to all behaviors. One cannot refuse to consider factual information, for example, and still claim that one's knowledge, belief, or position is an attempt to be truthful or is held in "good faith." Such willful blindness is clearly a product of one's desires and simply has nothing to do with the human ability to know. Basing one's positions on what one wants — rather than unbiased evidence gathering — is dishonest even when good intentions can be cited — after all even villains could cite good intentions and intended glory for a select group of people. Clearly then, an unbiased approach to the truth is a requirement of honesty.

Because intentions are closely related to fairness, and certainly affect the degree of honesty/dishonesty, there is a widespread confusion about honesty. There is also a general belief that one is necessarily aware that dishonest behavior is dishonest. But it's at the moment when one willfully disregards information in order to benefit (such as to justify their actions or beliefs) that one shows whether they are interested in the truth or whether they have a lack of respect for the truth, which is dishonesty, regardless of whether they mislabel it stubbornness or conviction. Socrates had much to say about truth, honesty and morality, and explained that if people really understood that their behavior was wrong — then they simply would not choose it. Furthermore, the more dishonest someone is, the less likely they are to understand honesty and to characterize their behavior as wrong. Unfortunately,the meaning of honesty has been marginalized to specific lists of behaviors that more often than not --change over time like fashion. The understanding that honesty requires an unbiased approach to the truth and to evidence gathering at all times (a timeless approach) collides with ideologies of all types. This would explain why honesty, although often discussed -- has failed to become a cultural norm. Ideologies and idealism inherently exaggerate and suppress evidence in order to support their perspectives. They essentially state that their way is the only right way to view the world. This erodes the practice and understanding of honesty and creates ongoing conflicts in all human relationships.

Okay, honestly, I just cut and pasted the previous. It was a lot easier that way, and it allows me to move on.
I have been struggling with honestly a lot lately. No so much that I am having a hard time telling the truth, to the contrary... I am having a difficult time keeping my big mouth shut. I gave up on lies several years back... as a result, I hurt other's feelings a lot. I always seem to say the wrong thing. I do not seem to possess as much tact as I perhaps should.

So, here I am, in a relationship, looking for work, and dealing with a whole lot of stuff I would rather not have to. OOps... That kinda came out wrong. I have a lot on my plate right now, a lot of stress. It is largely related to my lack of employment and my difficulty paying bills. I am looking for work, and that is stressful, and I am in a relationship. When I said there was a lot of stuff I did not want to deal with right now, I was referring to everything BUT my relationship with Corrie. That, while not perfect, is the one thing in my life that makes it worthwhile to get up in the morning. If it were not for her, I would be facing my problems alone, and to be honest, I would rather face them with her. She gives me a lot of strength and courage.

Anyway, Honesty. Honesty is one of the things about her that I admire so completely. She seems unable to lie. Her direct and forthright way of speaking her mind is totally refreshing. No bullshit, no guessing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would tend to say that in her I have found a woman who has no malice in her heart (unless you are a clown... she hates those). I don't blame her. Which reminds me... did you hear about the cannibals? They will not eat clowns because they smell funny.

TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS

2008-10-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

Found this image of a document I made as a joke some years back. Just posting it to be funny.

SELF DISCOVERY

2008-09-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

For a time, it would seem, I have fallen off the planet. I do not know for certain whether the Earth picked up speed as it spun on it's axis, or whether it momentarily stopped altogether briefly, long enough only for the gravitational field to lose it's hold on me and allowing me to hurtle off into space. But obviously, for a time anyway, I was not here. What other plausible explanation might explain my lengthy absence from writing in my blog here? Oh wait! I know.. I know... I got it! The real reason I was not here posting blogs is because I was sailing deep into Polynesian waters when a storm came up were it not for the courage of the fearless crew, it surely would have been lost. The boat set down on the shore of some uncharted desert isle where I was held captive by seven crazed geriatrics that had capsized there some 40 years before.

No? Okay... that was a bit of a stretch. Bottom line, I have no excuses for not writing. I just looked at my blog today and was disappointed that there are relatively few entries in light of the length of time that this Blog has been online. I want to be a prolific writer, I want to share a little bit of myself, but every time I try, something happens and I blow it off. It is the same thing with my handwritten journals. I go months sometimes between entries. I feel bad for that because to a degree, I feel that I have lost a piece of my past by not keeping a record of it. Damn OCD anyway.

The last week alone has provided me with plenty of stuff to think and write about, but I just have not been able to slow down my brain long enough to actually sit down and do it. Then, like now, I am harried, as I have an appointment in like 30 minutes.... but it is a good thing. My job hunt has not been going well, I have had a large number of negative responses if I got a response at all. I have not been able to make it past the pre-employment phone screens. It makes me feel like crap because I know if I could only get to meet a person face to face, I would likely have had a job months ago. So, in an hours time, I will be sitting in front of a human resources administrator, and a department manager in the first face to face interview I have had in a very long time. Nervous? You bet. Anxious... yeah.. more so with each passing minute. I applied for virtually every single position within the company, short of management, though I could probably handle that too. The pre employment testing was a no brainer for me, but it seemed all common sense. I have no reason to be nervous really, but I do not want this job so much as need it. It is not with one of my preferred options. I applied at a lot of companies... some ecause I was interested, others because I was qualified, and others still because I knew they were more apt to hire because of the large rate of turnover. Todays interview is with one of the latter companies. I need a job, and have had to lower my standards about the type of work I am willing to do, and the treatment I am willing to endure, all in the name of getting a steady income flowing in.Okay... so I hope I get the job... but I am not ending my search here. I hope to develop and hone my skills, pad my resume with new experiences and certificates if possible... Pad.. okay.. bad word... But my resume is stripped pretty bare now because I am not looking for jobs working with kids or adults anymore. I am no longer a counselor, no longer a teacher, no longer a recreation professional, no longer a caregiver, and no longer really qualified for the work I once did. What I want now is a desk job, because of my health, but unlikely to see that here. I will likely be doing physical labor again, and with trepidations about my heart. I know lifting and moving items may cause me pain... but is it really worth saying anything and take a chance at not getting a job, or to go in, try my best, then give 20 % more if I can, and hope for the best? If something happens, I may be able to deal with it equally well after I have the job. Well.. wish me luck.. time for me to go. Crossing my fingers.

DANGEROUS WATERS

2008-09-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend and I were out grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, and we had her 8 year old son with us. It was a day where nothing had been going smoothly, and so perhaps tolerance levels were not as high as they might be normally. Be that as it may, here it is dinner time, we had finished shopping, and had stopped by Wendy's for a couple burgers because Corrie did not really feel up to cooking. Everything is going well... until we pull back out onto the Avenue and turn towards home. Suddenly, there before our eyes is a 4 foot by 8 foot depiction of a physician's hand in rubber glove holding a small, completely formed, but eviscerated fetus. This billboard was being held for all to see by a woman probably in her 50's. She is obviously aware of her protected status under the constitution to display this horrid image to all passersby on this very busy public road.

I am proud to be an American, and am glad to call the USA my home. I support this country and all of its rights and privileges, and honor those brave men and women who have fought and died that we might have these freedoms, including the freedom of speech. I thank God for our First Amendment Rights, because while it gives that woman the right to offend people with the graphic images she held aloft for men, women, and children to view, within view of 2 restaurants at dinnertime, it also gives me the right to express my feelings about how angry I am that she deprived us of the right not to be assaulted in this fashion.

I suppose you would call me a middle of the road asshole. I support the woman's right to choose. I believe that there are instances where abortion is an option, and that ultimately that decision rests on the individual woman. I do not have to agree or disagree. I believe it is a choice, but that it should never be the first and only choice. It should never be used as birth control. Too many couples, loving people, regardless of race, economic status, or sexual orientation want to have children, and are not able. Many of these candidates are fully capable of providing safe, nurturing, loving homes to these so called unwanted children, and should have the opportunity.

I know my views may be unpopular to some, and realize that abortion is one of the most volatile issues today. When does a fetus become viable? When does it become sentient? When does it have rights of its own? When does it go from being a human fetus to being a human being? These are questions I am not qualified to answer. I am simply glad I was one of those that lived. I am glad I lived long enough to be able to articulate the complex and diverse feelings about something that has bothered me for 2 days now. I cannot justify posting the actual image that so offended my girlfriend and I, not in good conscience. If you have to see it, look up "truth trucks" on Google.

ON THE TURNING AWAY

2008-09-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

I would love to be able to say that I feel good about everything I have accomplished this week, but I don't. What accomplishments I have had are tempered by the overall sense of discouragement I have taken away with me. I mean, I was discouraged before, but it seems that with each passing day, with each passing rejection, with each passing glimmer of hope extinguished one at a time, I am finding it more and more difficult to look at the bright side of things. I have long known that life is not easy generally, but I never really expected it to become this difficult.

I have long heard it said that "bad things happen to good people", and "no good deed goes necessarily unpunished". Okay... it was my sister telling me these things, and I never really spent a whole lot of effort listening to my sister. She has had a lot happen in her life, and to be frank, she depresses the hell out of me sometimes. When she isn't depressing me by being critical of the things I do, she is making me feel like crap by telling me how bad she has it. It was this uncomfortable relational dynamic that more or less helped me to decide to move out from her place nearly a year ago. I spent about 10 months living with her after losing my home. It was supposed to be a hand up, a mutually beneficial arrangement to help us both out. It did not work out that way. Over time she got on my nerves, and I suppose I on hers. The arrangement became unhealthy for both of us it seemed. Now, had I listened to my brother Joe, I would have learned not to sweat the small shit, and that it is all small shit. Fine, Joe. You were smart. You never ever lived with her.

Then there of course is the whole plethora of other things going on in my life. It is complicated when everything gets muddled together like this

THINKING ABOUT LYRICS

2008-09-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever had someone listen to a song because it encompassed a thought or feeling far better than she would have been able to express on her own. She acknowledged that she had done that. So to myself, I think, "Cool! I was afraid I was the only person that ever did that." My ex wife may not have had a grasp on the idea, or perhaps just could not relate to secular music. Perhaps still, maybe her upbringing did not allow that kind of thinking, or maybe she lacked the imagination to put herself in the shoes of the songwriter. It really does not matter. She basically thought I was nuts. As did my sister. My sister referred to all the music I used to listen to so regularly as either crap, or death music. Screw her too.

Anyway, a bit later my girlfriend played a song that was important to her back when she was a teenager. She apologized and tried to qualify the song by saying she had not listened to it in years, and did not know if it would still hold the same meaning for her. Okay, okay.. we all grow up, and think about things differently. As long as it was not Tiny Tim, I would not hold it against her. It wasn't, thank goodness. But by the third note I recognized the song as Pat Benetar's "Hell is For Children" and knowing her and her story as well as I do, I was neither surprised nor critical of her choice. It was apt. But that got me to thinking; I became aware earlier today that Richard Wright of Pink Floyd had lost his battle to cancer and I felt bad that an integral part of the Pink Floyd sound was forever silenced. Back in the day, when I was a teenager, I thought the Floyd was the best rock band ever. (I have since broadened my perspectives a bit.) I still like the Floyd, and always will albeit not as fond of the darker stuff Waters used to write. But in my youth, I felt a certain kinship with the music, because some of it was dark. SO, I played the song that I felt as a teenager most encompassed my experience. Likewise, I had not listened to it in many years. In the 20 or so years that have passed since I last heard it, a lot has changed with me, and suffice to say, the song no longer means the same thing to me. It now seems more like some sort of sublingual self fulfilling prophesy. It upset me that I identify now with much more of the song, and it is not a good thing. The lyrics follow. I will get back on this train of thought shortly.

Dogs

by Pink Floyd

Animals, 1976

c. Pink Floyd: (Waters, Wright, Mason, Gilmour)

You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need

You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street

You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed

And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight

You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

And after a while, you can work on points for style

Like the club tie, and the firm handshake

A certain look in the eye, and an easy smile

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to

So that when they turn their backs on you

You'll get the chance to put the knife in.

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder

You know it's going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older

And in the end you'll pack up, fly down south

Hide your head in the sand

Just another sad old man

All alone and dying of cancer.

And when you loose control,

you'll reap the harvest that you've sown

And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone

And it's too late to loose the weight you used to need to throw around

So have a good drown, as you go down, alone

Dragged down by the stone.

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused

Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used

Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise

If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending

That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend

And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner

And everythings done under the sun

And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

Who was born in a house full of pain

Who was trained not to spit in the fan

Who was told what to do by the man

Who was broken by trained personnel

Who was fitted with collar and chain

Who was given a pat on the back

Who was breaking away from the pack

Who was only a stranger at home

Who was ground down in the end

Who was found dead on the phone

Who was dragged down by the stone.

not done; taking a break; finish this thought later

NEED NOT APPLY

2008-09-19T00:33:00.001-07:00

Well, Crap!

Today was going pretty great until I realized that the HR Department had only called me for yet another phone screening, but since they did not reach me when they called, they moved on to the next applicant, and I missed the window of opportunity until at least November. The problem is is that the apartment lease is up in October, and doubt if it will be renewed. So need employment immediately. I made a number of online applications today, all for jobs I really do not want, but I know I have to accept the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial, how degrading, how low paid, or how far away. I am sick and freaking tired of employers turning me away because of the bullshit DV charge from my former client. I am not a violent person, and I did not do what she alleged. I simply told her that as long as she lived in my home that I could not have her self medicating with street drugs and alcohol and mouthwash when neither of the others was available. I never thought that I would lose my home and everything I owned to someone like that. I thought the laws were there to protect everyone. Instead, I found out that in this society the whole idea of Innocent until Proven Guilty is a farce. I lost my job, my home, everything of any value, my credentials, and over time, I have been losing hope a little at a time.

I even got turned down as a bouncer at a local tavern.... me, a 6' tall, 300 lb former cop with loads of experience, and Professional Assault Response Training. How can I go from having certification to carry a weapon, training to handle any situation, numerous work related seminars, certifications, and licenses, the physical size and strength to handle most labor jobs, and the intelligence to qualify me for the oldest High IQ organization in the world to a disabled and unemployed person who is getting turned down for every single job he has applied for in the past two years? The cost of living has kept on increasing, while my income hasn't. I guess maybe I am not as intelligent as I thought I was. But... on October 6th, I hear they are again testing in this area for membership to Mensa. I know I qualify, just never got around to taking the formalized test provided by the agency. All of my testing was done on pre employment screenings, the ASVAB, PSATs, SATs, etc. I guess I will pay the $40 and take the test for no other reason than it may look good on a resume.

I am incredibly discouraged right now, and am frustrated with the circumstances. I would be grinding my teeth if they had not already started falling out thanks to no insurance coverage.

FRESH BREATH

2008-09-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

Yeah... Well! What can I say about the title of this entry? It was the first thing that popped into my head after I realized how long it has been since I blogged. I sort of wanted to convey in a couple words that I am still alive, well, and growing. What I ended up with is a Mentos Commercial. Oh well. I have one person that actually reads these things, and I hope that person is well. As for me... life moves on so rapidly sometimes, I find myself looking back and wondering "What the fuck was that?" I can't complain really though not for a lack of practice. I have spent so much of my life bitching about the myriad small annoyances that creep inevitably into everyones life, I sometimes forget my brother Joe's advice... the two rules for living as he called it... "1. Don't sweat the small shit. 2. It is all small shit." He was probably right. But, were he still alive, I would have to remind him that small or not, Shit still stinks generally. (Not mine of course!)

Anyway... this writing finds me looking at several areas of my life where I am not fully satisfied or even happy. One question keeps ringing in the back of my noggin; "So...; Whatchagonnadoboutitasshole?"

Several things generally weigh heavy on my mind on any given day.

In order of stress level (highest to lowest) they are:
Finances, Job (or lack thereof), my primary relationship, my physical health, my family, the future, legal obligations, basic needs.

Many years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on who I was and who/what I wanted to be. I had an image of myself in the future, and was content with that image. But life has a tendency to take us through many unexpected twists and turns. There is no planning for every contingency. In my teens I decided I would not get married until I was financially stable. RIiiighhht. Like that was actually going to happen. Love snuck up on me, and I was anything but secure. In fact, as I began dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I was homeless. I was not so much homeless in the sense that I was living on the streets. I had my truck, and a camper, and I basically chose to live like that because for a time, it was the most cost effective way to live. I was single, and my two dogs and I got by okay. We all took turns farting up the camper, so heat was never a problem. But the combination of airborne particles of poop vapors made the close quarters in the camper a bit unbearable at times. Okay.. okay.. too much info; I know. Suffice to say, while amusing to me to write about, it is mostly just a pointless distraction from what I really want to write about here.

Life is hard sometimes. I have a wonderful girlfriend right now, and if things go well, we will probably get married down the road. I don't care that I am not financially stable. What I do care about is her. She and I have so much in common, including the things we worry about. Finances being a biggie. Which brings me more or less to my point. Some years back, my health began to fail, and I was not able to work. Who ever expected me to have to go through heart surgery at age 37? Not me certainly. So, trying to live on a disability pension has not been easy. In fact, it downright sucked. So yesterday I finally get a call from the gal in personnel where I recently applied. In fact she called twice. (That's promising, right?) So tomorrow I call her to set up an interview. I am excited and scared at the same time. If I get the job, it means an end to the security of my pension, which is more than a lot of people make. But it also means a world of opportunity for me. It means putting my life as I know it on the line, taking a chance, hoping for the best, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe I will be able to take back control over my life. I have grown tired of feeling like a passive participant, having little control over the things that happen around me. I would rather hit the lottery, but I think a job would do my ego and self image a lot of good. I really could use a shot in the arm like this. As I understand it, it is an ISO 9000 company, and has a full benefit package. I have always kind of wanted a desk job, but ended up doing the more physical jobs. Now, if all goes well, I will be getting paid to talk, and work on the computer... two things I do a lot of already. It was not in my plan for my life, nor was living in the area I am. I grew up here, and always kind of hated it. Maybe now, I will find a reason to stay. I have no shortage of reasons to leave, but none of them are all that good.

I am anxiously looking forward to this opportunity for a new beginning. I have been needing a breath of freash air for a long while now. This may be just what the doctor ordered.

APPLES & ORANGES

2007-11-13T04:31:00.000-08:00

Observation 1
Apples and Oranges

~~I think that~~ this entry will be the first of a five part series dedicated to a verbose rambling on the subject of something I know very little about. Women. Oh yeah, this should be fun. Not that I will reveal anything particularly profound, earth shaking, or even relevant. It is a good thing that I am not married right now, as anything I say could and would be held against me. This is why I like to sprinkle my conversations with words and phrases like 'breasts', 'nipples', 'ass', and "fish taco', in the hope that these things actually will be held against me. But, it is counterproductive in that the more I use these words and phrases in casual conversation, the less likely it is that I will ever see them again. That may be part of how the phrase "Life's a Bitch, and then you marry one" came about. Wait... don't rush in to Safeway to stock up on eggs and produce to throw at me yet. (I might like that, and you know Safeway will love the business!)

In truth, I am typing this now when I should in fact be working on my homework. Anything to avoid my responsibilities. But my homework is not a part of the curricula of an institution of higher learning. There are no grades, the deadlines are somewhat flexible, and you will find no female coeds (flexible or otherwise... DAMN!!) at my weekly class. But, due to circumstances, I am obliged to attend these classes, there are certain assignments I have to complete before I can "graduate", and I am actually learning quite a bit in spite of myself. It really is too bad about the lack of flexible female coeds though! It is probably for the best I suppose since what brought myself and the other men together in the first place was our relationships with women. Why is it that something with the promise of so much fun turns out to be such a pain in the butt? I mean, here we are, everything is going along, status quo, we have our jobs, our buddies, and Monday Night Football and things are good. We are the masters of our own lives, until one day something new crosses our field of vision, and we willingly run away from everything we know to get a closer look. We barely glance back at our buddies who in our absence are still quaffing mass quantities of our beer while watching our big screen tv, and who barely notice we are gone until the beer runs out or the game is over (whichever comes first). Nope... our buddies may drink and eat us out of house and home, and burn a hole in our sofa while trying to light a fart, but they will still be our buddies later, so we run after this new thing forgetting all about our buddies for awhile.

Then we catch up to the target of our distraction, only to find out that not only do they look good, much softer than our buddies... well, maybe with the exception of Frank... and they smell so good..... intoxicating even.... that all reason (the little we had in the first place) leaves us. We haphazardly throw all caution to the wind and begin to behave even more stupidly than we do normally.

Around our buddies, we are free to be our normal disgusting selves. We scratch, we belch, we scratch again. We laugh at farts, doggoneit! They are funny after all. They are fun. According to George Carlin, they are "Shit without the mess". We lie about our conquests with great abandon since our buddies all know that we are full of shit anyway, it really does not matter. They will never think any less of us if we lie about sex. After all, they do it too! But the problem with lying about sex to our buddies is that sooner or later, we have to at least make an effort to hang with someone with a higher voice than ours. Someone besides Frank that is. It does not matter how cute he looks in polyester, he is after all a buddy, and we overlook such things, right? Okay, maybe not. But if not for Frank, we’d have no one to duct tape to the fridge door in the garage. Don’t worry… he likes it. Besides, as the only one of us who is married and therefore the only one of us who actually gets stank on the hang low with any regularity, he deserves the abuse. Fucking Frank!

As I am writing this, it occurs to me that I may be just a little over the top. I think that a couple things might happen. One, this is intended to be funny, but may possibly offend one or two people with higher voices than mine. (Frank not withstanding) To them, because I am basking in the relative safety of the internet, I say “get over it!” I kinda want the reaction. In person, I am fairly outspoken, but incredibly shy about certain things. I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut, and spend a lot of time dining on “filet o Birk”. But it occurred to me today, why not write? Put it out there online, maybe amuse a few people, and channel my humor to the internet where it may get me in less trouble at home. Besides, maybe if I do catch the attention of the public, find myself an audience, maybe I can share some of the more serious stuff too. I would like to think that there is more to me than meets the eye, and that I have a lot of stuff to offer people. Two, my biggest concern, I may find myself in trouble with people I do not know. My family and friends are more or less accustomed to the weird, off the wall shit that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis. Hopefully more people are entertained than not. Remember, the comments are available to everyone, and I have posted my email, so there really is no excuse why you cannot share your thoughts as well. Looking forward to hearing from each of you.

NIGHTMARES & NOCTURNAL QUICKSTARTS

2007-11-12T01:20:00.001-08:00

Fuck. Yep that's the word I am looking for. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I am aware how crass and stupid that sounds, but considering I am once again awake in the middle of the night, wanting to be asleep, but stuck with my eyes open, there is no better word or phrase to describe how I feel.

I am tired. Dead dog tired. I am running low on both energy and frustration. For some time now, my sleep patterns have been interrupted to say the least. Every 2 hours, like clockwork I shoot awake, sometimes as a result of my arrhythmia, but usually for no reason. The last couple days, I have been having bad dreams to boot. So here I am. Already frustrated about not getting any sleep, and I am irritated too because .... I suppose it does not really matter.

I want out. I want out of my lease, out of my apartment, out of my dreams, and out of my life. Sounds worse than it is, but sometimes each of those statements are true. For the past twenty minutes, my sister has been lurking behind me watching every word I type. Now, I doubt if she can read then from where she is standing, but then again, who knows? I no sooner typed that than she announced that she was going back to bed because she "must be bothering me".

I know she means well, but the circumstances that brought me here essentially left me no other choices. This was the best choice at the time. Now, I wonder, Was it Really? The fact of the matter is, she was bothering me. I hate it when she lurks. I have no privacy here, and I am certain she has issues with me as well. Nevertheless, every time I wake up, she is up a few minutes later. (I suppose my typing wakes her) She lurks into my room, and justs stands there for minutes on end staring at the back of my head. I hate that. She gets pissed at me if I do not call to check in when I am out. I am 41 years old, and feel like she is treating me like I am a three year old kid. She is not my mother, and she is not my wife, and I do not appreciate feeling like I should feel guilty for somehow not involving her in everything I do. It is not as though I have an exciting life, but it is mine, and I should be entitled to some privacy in the things I do.

It is not that I have anything to hide either, to the contrary, I am pretty fucking open about nearly every aspect of my life.

My Health: Not so good really. I am 41, and have been suffering with arrhythmia every day for the past 3 years. I have had triple bypass surgery, and let's face it, on the one hand the surgeons and physicians saved my life. However, on the other hand, I should have been able to expect that my chest should not be popping all over the place and causing me pain by now. I should have been able to expect some improvement in the way my heart behaves and feels. I am a brittle diabetic, and need help to keep my sugars under control. I have obstructive sleep apnea, and am on CPAP therapy. Some days, the neuropathy is so bad, I can barely walk. I use a cane, as much for balance as anything, and wounds barely heal. On the whole, my health leaves a lot to be desired.

My personal growth: A lot of shit has happened. The least of which was losing my home and its contents to a woman I was a paid care provider for in my own home. The legal ramifications, the financial responsibility, and all the crap I was ordered to do by the court system. aside from being biased and wrong, have provided me with opportunities for growth as a person. I hate that it came at such great personal cost, but I am thankful that I have grown as a person, and like the man I am now. I talk of this readily to those who would listen.

My spiritual development: I am simply thankful for all of my blessings across the board, and believe wholly in a God who loves me. There was a time when I was sort of a "closet Christian". I believed, but you could not tell by looking. I gave little or no indication to others of my beliefs. It was personal to me, and I was pretty self centered, self conscious, and hated doing anything that brought attention to me.

My Relationships: Well, obviously, I need to work on the relationship with my sister. At least so far as to set up some personal boundaries. I guess I need to address issues of assertiveness. I need to be more assertive with the people around me, less concerned about not hurting peoples feelings, at least to the degree where my own feelings get overlooked. Most of the relationships surrounding my family need at least some work. We are not exactly a closely knit family.
My marriage ended back in July, and I have spoken to my ex wife once since the divorce was final. We have not been together in over three years, but I still care very deeply for her, and miss her terribly. I suppose this is normal. But at the same time, I have met someone who I very much enjoy spending time with. She seems to accept me how I am, and appreciates the effort I am making to change much of the crap that got in the way of my having healthy relationships in the past.

I do not know precisely which direction this friendship is going, but there does seem to be potential for a whole lot more. That is not to say that there will not be problems. I already see that communication will be an area that requires constant attention. I have a big mouth, a truly twisted sense of humor, and often speak without thinking. Oh yeah... I know... my brother Joe used to give me crap about my CPAP, especially after the doctor ordered me a chinstrap to keep my mouth shut while on the machine. It seems I probably could use it in other areas of my life, especially since the latch that is supposed to keep my mouth shut does not seem to work, or may be missing. (It's a joke... the latch is figurative) I have a thought, and out it spills. May need to work on my judgement too, since I spend a fair amount of time apologizing for hurting people's feelings with the at times incredibly off the wall things I say.

I could write several paragraphs about this wonderful woman who is responsible for bringing so many smiles to my life lately, but think for now, I should exercise some discretion. After all, the relationship at this time is complicated. Anything I say about it now could be premature. She does consider me her boyfriend, but I am not ready to place a title on the relationship yet. Like I said, there are some complications. Nevertheless, short of saying "I Love You", I am developing strong feelings for her, and she most definitely matters to me. I just can't write about it in great detail yet, for her sake mostly. Loose ends and all to tidy up. But as we progress from "just friends" to "something more", I will be writing in here. For the time being, I intend on spending as much time as I can getting to know this woman, being there for her as a friend, supporting her as best I can as she takes care of the things she has to. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, and this is no exception. If I do intend on this relationship developing into a mature, nurturing, God-centered relationship, I know there are many things I need to do. I owe it to God, to her, to her son, and to myself.

ALIVE & WELL and LIVING IN THE PAST

2007-11-10T11:14:00.000-08:00

Mood: Pensive

The title of this entry pretty much says it all. I am not here today. There are a lot of places I could be right now, but here is not one of them. This is made much more difficult by the fact that under the current governing laws of physics, no matter where my mind and heart are, my body is still stuck here typing. Even then there are things much more important that it should be taking care of right now. Shit.

Anyway, November is a month that for many represents the beginning of the holiday season, what with Thanksgiving and all. It is a time for families to gather together around the table in remembrance and thanksgiving, an opportunity to reflect on the many blessings we receive from God and family. Now, for me, I have not spent as much time around family as I perhaps should have, and for many reasons, I have never been emotionally available to my family and friends. It is a sad statement of the man I used to be, and an even sadder statement of the condition of my family unit. Look up dysfunctional in the dictionary, and you might find a portrait of my family.

November is a time of the year I adore, with the changing of the seasons, the bright colored fall foliage, the acrid smell of woodsmoke hanging in the crisp autumn air, and the sights and sounds of the quickly approaching promise of Christmas. I do love this time of the year, but would love it a lot more were I able to spend it with family. I sometimes long for the Norman Rockwell holidays, but generally when the opportunity did arise, I found yet another reason to spend the holidays alone, and in so doing bask in the depression that strikes me with regularity this time of the year without fail.

November marks several important dates this year.

My 12th anniversary would have been on the 7th, had I not been divorced in July.
My niece is celebrating her 21st birthday on the 19th.
My brother Joe, would have celebrated his 64th birthday on the 18th.

So that's basically what's on my mind today. I am missing my brother, lamenting my failed marriage, regretting shoving my family away, and wishing I were better able to be there now for my family and friends.

This holiday season will not look any more like a Rockwell painting than any year previous, but I do hope to be able to spend it with family, and remember to be thankful that I have so much more than so many people do. As I pause to reflect on the things I am thankful for this year, maybe I should make it a point to let those I am thankful for know how I feel.

EMPTY WORDS

2007-11-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

I have not been blogging as well as I might like, nor have I been journaling in my journals as frequently as I perhaps should. As a result, life passes byunnoticed. Not that I live a particularly exciting or noteworthy life but I feel that I should document at least some of it. Then again, who would read it? Ah well.... this blog is essentially intended for my family and friends and sinceI talk to neither as often as I should it is perhaps the only way they will know what is going on with me in my life. There it is. In a nutshell, my mission
statement as it were. (*sigh)

What is on my mind this morning is a conversation I had last night. I had gone to church,

and even though I have been running on empty, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally, I did muster up enough energy to pay attention to the sermon. (barely) The pastor talked about Ecclesiology; The branch of theology that is concerned with the nature, constitution, and functions of a church. Yeah, yeah... I know..... (SNORE) But let me cut to the chase. Fast forward, snip for brevity, and mention the one thing that stands out most in my mind as it is, verbatim, something I have been saying for years; "Love is a Choice."

I have been also saying that I do not believe that people "fall" in love. I believe that the initial attraction, or lust, is just that.... purely physical, purely selfish, purley sexual. But, after that, you have a choice, and should you choose to love, then you can work towards growing into love. It takes a conscious effort, a committed decision, and a lot of work, especially if you are trying to do love by the numbers... as God intended. Numbers? Oh yeah.... numbers.... sorry.

Number 1. (Mt 22:37-40)Love the Lord your God with all your heart

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.

Number 2 Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.

Number 3. ⁸"'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

By the numbers, we are instructed to love God our spouses, and our neighbors. Basically in that order.

So.... how are we to Love God with all that we are, love our spouses as Christ loved the Church, and love our neighbors as ourselves? Seems to me like it is a tall order... especially if you knew my neighbors! LOL But, I digress, there is only one way. We have to choose to love, and put it all into God's Hands. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and generally, you have to make sacrifices. That's life.

Anyway... as I was saying, I had a conversation last night following the service, and all of this was rummaging around in the back of my mind. In any case, the jist of this conversation with someone I am growing to care about was this:

In typical fashion, women tend to be more ready emotionally than men when it comes to love and relationships. Men, on the other hand, tend to be less willing to open themselves up to the possibility. This is because of the primary difference between men and women being , essentially, apples and oranges. Men are physical, while women are emotional. So, it is not uncommon for a woman to say "I love you" first. Men may say it, but I am willing to bet that a lot of first "I Love You's" from men occur during sex. It seems like such a waste of those three very powerful words since in that instance they are merely empty words.

Now here it is; I was talking about this with someone I am growing fond of, and I see great potential for a future together whether as friends, or as something more, but have not decided that direction yet. But... I do not want to mess up either possibility. I do not want to jeopardize a wonderful friendship by moving too quickly, and I do not want to screw up the "something more" by also moving too quickly, or not moving at all. Damn quandries! So what does one do? Beats the Hell out of me.... I simply do not know.

What I do know is this:

I already fucked up several friendships, and a marriage by being selfish, inconsiderate, unthoughthtful, disinterested, dishonest, and short sighted. I am not willing to say the words if they are only empty words. I want to be able to mean it when I do say them. I want to try always to put God first, or at the very least, include Him in the realtionship. Being human, this is not easy. I want to employ everything I have learned from my past to ensure that this woman and I have a fighting chance no matter which way our relationship goes. But, all that aside, I really have to say, it feels really good spending time with her.It feels even better knowing that for the first time in my life I have been completely honest, no secrets, and have let my guard down intentionally that I might let her in. While it has been a challenge so far it has also been somewhat of a catharsis. I basically am feeling pretty good about things, and my life in general, and that, too, is a change for me. It is about time for a positive change in my life.

PERCEPTUAL PASSAGES

2007-10-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

I find myself recently considering the passage of time, and how very relative any given block of time can be to any given individual in any given circumstance. Specifically, I am reflecting back on my own experience, which makes for a much easier paradigm shift. I can only assume that everyone experiences the passage of time differently, even though it passes no more quickly or slowly for anyone. (OOPS.... gotta finish this later!)

SUGAR HIGH

2007-10-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

For the past week or so, I have been struggling with maintaining my blood sugars. As a diabetic, that should be one of my biggest priorities, but I must admit that most of the time it is easy to ignore the disease. It has been called "the silent killer" because as far as diseases go, by the time that you begin to notice the symptoms, it is generally too late. You are already a full blown diabetic. As for me, my diabetes was not discovered until 2000, but I had been noticing symptoms for over a decade. I had seen several doctors during that time, and asked about the discoloration of my legs, the problems sleeping, et cetera, but it was generally dismissed. It was not until I went in demanding that I be tested because my brother made me promise to do so that a doctor took me seriously.

Diabetes comes in many forms, and for the record, it is not limited to human beings. Our cats and dogs also can suffer from the disease. It can be hereditary, but it is not contagious. (I was actually asked that by a child once.)

The two basic forms of Diabetes are broken down into different types. I will simply cut and paste here, because I really have other things I want to write about this morning.

DIABETES INSIPIDUS: This is also called Water Diabetes

Diabetes Insipidus (DI) is a disorder in which there is an abnormal increase in urine output, fluid intake and often thirst. It causes symptoms such as urinary frequency, nocturia (frequent awakening at night to urinate) or enuresis (involuntary urination during sleep or "bedwetting"). Urine output is increased because it is not concentrated normally. Consequently, instead of being a yellow color, the urine is pale, colorless or watery in appearance and the measured concentration (osmolality or specific gravity) is low.

*Diabetes Insipidus is not the same as diabetes mellitus ("sugar" diabetes). Diabetes Insipidus resembles diabetes mellitus because the symptoms of both diseases are increased urination and thirst. However, in every other respect, including the causes and treatment of the disorders, the diseases are completely unrelated. Sometimes diabetes insipidus is referred to as "water" diabetes to distinguish it from the more common diabetes mellitus or "sugar" diabetes.

*Diabetes Insipidus is divided into four types, each of which has a different cause and must be treated differently. The most common type of DI is caused by a lack of vasopressin, a hormone that normally acts upon the kidney to reduce urine output by increasing the concentration of the urine. This type of DI is usually due to the destruction of the back or "posterior" part of the pituitary gland where vasopressin is normally produced. Hence, it is commonly called pituitary DI. It is also known as central or neurogenic DI. The posterior pituitary can be destroyed by a variety of underlying diseases including tumors, infections, head injuries, infiltrations, and various inheritable defects. The latter can be recognized by the onset of the DI in early childhood and a family history of parents, siblings or other relatives with the same disorder. Nearly half the time, however, pituitary DI is "idiopathic" (that is, no cause can be found despite a thorough search including magnetic resonance imaging or MRI of the brain) and the underlying cause(s) is (are) still unknown. Pituitary DI is usually permanent and cannot be cured but the signs and symptoms (i.e. constant thirst, drinking and urination) can be largely or completely eliminated by treatment with various drugs including a modified from of vasopressin known as desmopressin or DDAVP. Because pituitary DI is sometimes associated with abnormalities in other pituitary hormones, tests and sometimes treatments for these other abnormalities are also needed.

*Occasionally, a lack of vasopressin can also develop during pregnancy if the pituitary is slightly damaged and/or the placenta destroys the hormone too rapidly. This second type of vasopressin deficiency is called gestagenic or gestational DI and is also treatable with DDAVP but, in this case, the deficiency and the DI often disappear 4 to 6 weeks after delivery at which time the DDAVP treatment can usually be stopped. Often, however, the signs and symptoms of DI recur with subsequent pregnancies.

*The third type of DI is caused by an inability of the kidneys to respond to the "antidiuretic effect" of normal amounts of vasopressin. This type of DI is usually referred to as nephrogenic DI and can result from a variety of drugs or kidney diseases including heritable genetic defects. It cannot be treated with DDAVP and, depending on the cause, may or may not be curable by eliminating the offending drug or disease. The heritable form, for example, lasts for life and cannot be cured at present. However, there are treatments that can partially relieve the signs and symptoms of nephrogenic DI.

*The fourth form of DI occurs when vasopressin is suppressed by excessive intake of fluids. The latter is usually referred to as primary polydipsia and is most often caused by an abnormality in the part of the brain that regulates thirst. This subtype is called dipsogenic DI and is difficult to differentiate from pituitary DI particularly since the two disorders can result form many of the same brain diseases. The only sure way to tell them apart is to measure vasopressin during a stimulus such as fluid deprivation or to observe the effects of DDAVP treatment. In dipsogenic DI, DDAVP also eliminates the excessive urination but, unlike pituitary DI, it does not completely eliminate the increased thirst and fluid intake. Thus, it also results in water intoxication, a condition associated with symptoms such as headache, loss of appetite, lethargy and nausea and signs such as an abnormally large decrease in the plasma sodium concentration (hyponatremia). Because of this and the current lack of a way to correct the underlying abnormality in thirst, dipsogenic DI cannot be treated at present, although the most troubling symptoms, nocturia, can be safely relieved by taking small doses of DDAVP at bedtime. The other subtype of primary polydipsia is due not to abnormal thirst but to psychosomatic causes and is often referred to as pyschogenic polydipsia. It cannot be treated at present.

QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE

What is considered "excessive" urination? What is considered "excessive thirst?

An adult who urinates more than 50mL/kg body weight per 2 hours is generally considered to have a higher than normal output. Loosely translated, 50mL/kg is about 3.5 quarts per day for a 150-lb. adult. an adult who drinks more than 4 quarts (1 gallon) or approximately 12 glasses (144 oz) of beverages per day would have a higher than normal intake.

Does pituitary diabetes insipidus cause any problems other than increased urination, thirst and drinking? Does it shorten one's life span?

As far as we know, pituitary or nephrogenic DI does not cause any other disabilities or health risks provided there is no interference with the ability to replace the loss fluid. If water intake is impaired - for example, by loss of consciousness or by separation from an abundant supply of drinkable water - there is a very grave risk of severe dehydration that could lead to serious brain damage or even death. Treatment reduces this risk because it reduces the rate of water loss and thereby lengthens the time one can go without drinking. However, it does not eliminate the risk altogether because there is always the possibility that the medication will be lost or run out. For this reason, it is important to always carry an adequate supply of medication and be careful about getting in a situation where a good supply of drinking water is not available - for example ocean sailing or hiking in the mountains or desert.

Dipsogenic DI or pyschogenic polydipsia does not carry the risk of dehydration but may result in serious overhydration (water intoxication) if DDAVP or other drugs such as thiazide diuretics are taken or if certain acute diseases such as influenza develop. Therefore, it is important to know if these disorders are present so that the offending drugs can be avoided or the appropriate tests and countermeasures can be applied as soon as a disease or ailment like influenza develops.

If I have pituitary or nephrogenic DI and the symptoms don't bother me, why should I take treatment?

The principle reason is to reduce the risk of severe dehydration and provide greater freedom to participate in activates in which it is difficult, if not impossible to drink and urinate frequently.

Apart from taking DDAVP or other antidiuretic medication, is there anything else I should do?

Yes, you should wear a MedicAlert bracelet and/or carry a MedicAlert card in your wallet so that if you have a medical emergency even a doctor who does not know you will recognize immediately your need for special treatment.

DIABETES MELLITUS: This is also called Sugar Diabetes

Diabetes is a life-long disease marked by high levels of sugar in the blood. It can be caused by too little insulin (a hormone produced by the pancreas to regulate blood sugar), resistance to insulin, or both.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

To understand diabetes, it is important to first understand the normal process of food metabolism. Several things happen when food is digested:

A sugar called glucose enters the bloodstream. Glucose is a source of fuel for the body.
An organ called the pancreas makes insulin. The role of insulin is to move glucose from the bloodstream into muscle, fat, and liver cells, where it can be used as fuel.

People with diabetes have high blood glucose. This is because their pancreas does not make enough insulin or their muscle, fat, and liver cells do not respond to insulin normally, or both.

There are three major types of diabetes:

Type 1 diabetes is usually diagnosed in childhood. The body makes little or no insulin, and daily injections of insulin are required to sustain life. Without proper daily management, medical emergencies can arise.
Type 2 diabetes is far more common than type 1 and makes up 90% or more of all cases of diabetes. It usually occurs in adulthood. Here, the pancreas does not make enough insulin to keep blood glucose levels normal, often because the body does not respond well to the insulin. Many people with type 2 diabetes do not know they have it, although it is a serious condition. Type 2 diabetes is becoming more common due to the growing number of older Americans, increasing obesity, and failure to exercise.
Gestational diabetes is high blood glucose that develops at any time during pregnancy in a person who does not have diabetes.

Diabetes affects about 18 million Americans. There are many risk factors for diabetes, including:

A parent, brother, or sister with diabetes
Obesity
Age greater than 45 years
Some ethnic groups (particularly African-Americans and Hispanic Americans)
Gestational diabetes or delivering a baby weighing more than 9 pounds
High blood pressure
High blood levels of triglycerides (a type of fat molecule)
High blood cholesterol level

The American Diabetes Association recommends that all adults be screened for diabetes at least every three years. A person at high risk should be screened more often.

Symptoms

High blood levels of glucose can cause several problems, including frequent urination, excessive thirst, hunger, fatigue, weight loss, and blurry vision. However, because type 2 diabetes develops slowly, some people with high blood sugar experience no symptoms at all.

Symptoms of type 1 diabetes:

Increased thirst
Increased urination
Weight loss in spite of increased appetite
Fatigue
Nausea
Vomiting

Symptoms of type 2 diabetes:

Increased thirst
Increased urination
Increased appetite
Fatigue
Blurred vision
Slow-healing infections
Impotence in men

Signs and tests

A urine analysis may be used to look for glucose and ketones from the breakdown of fat. However, a urine test alone does not diagnose diabetes. The following blood glucose tests are used to diagnose diabetes:

Fasting blood glucose level -- diabetes is diagnosed if higher than 126 mg/dL on two occasions. Levels between 100 and 126 mg/dl are referred to as impaired fasting glucose or pre-diabetes. These levels are considered to be risk factors for type 2 diabetes and its complications.
Random (non-fasting) blood glucose level -- diabetes is suspected if higher than 200 mg/dL and accompanied by the classic symptoms of increased thirst, urination, and fatigue. (This test must be confirmed with a fasting blood glucose test.)
Oral glucose tolerance test -- diabetes is diagnosed if glucose level is higher than 200 mg/dL after 2 hours (This test is used more for type 2 diabetes.)

Patients with type 1 diabetes usually develop symptoms over a short period of time, and the condition is often diagnosed in an emergency setting. In addition to having high glucose levels, acutely ill type 1 diabetics have high levels of ketones.

Ketones are produced by the breakdown of fat and muscle, and they are toxic at high levels. Ketones in the blood cause a condition called "acidosis" (low blood pH). Urine testing detects both glucose and ketones in the urine. Blood glucose levels are also high.

Treatment

There is no cure for diabetes. The immediate goals are to stabilize your blood sugar and eliminate the symptoms of high blood sugar. The long-term goals of treatment are to prolong life, relieve symptoms, and prevent long-term complications such as heart disease and kidney failure.

LEARN THESE SKILLS

Basic diabetes management skills will help prevent the need for emergency care. These skills include:

How to recognize and treat low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) and high blood sugar (hyperglycemia)
What to eat and when
How to take insulin or oral medication
How to test and record blood glucose
How to test urine for ketones (type 1 diabetes only)
How to adjust insulin and/or food intake when changing exercise and eating habits
How to handle sick days
Where to buy diabetes supplies and how to store them

After you learn the basics of diabetes care, learn how the disease can cause long-term health problems and the best ways to prevent these problems. People with diabetes need to review and update their knowledge, because new research and improved ways to treat diabetes are constantly being developed.

WHAT TO EAT

You should work closely with your health care provider to learn how much fat, protein, and carbohydrates you need in your diet. Your specific meal plans need to be tailored to your food habits and preferences. People with type 1 diabetes should eat at about the same times each day and try to be consistent with the types of food they choose. This helps to prevent blood sugars from becoming extremely high or low. Type 2 diabetics should follow a well-balanced and low-fat diet.

A registered dietician can be very helpful in planning dietary needs.

Weight management is important to achieving control of diabetes. Some people with type 2 diabetes can stop medications after losing excess weight, although the diabetes is still present.

HOW TO TAKE INSULIN OR ORAL MEDICATION

Medications to treat diabetes include insulin and glucose-lowering pills, called oral hypoglycemic agents. The bodies of people with type 1 diabetes cannot make their own insulin, so daily insulin injections are required. The bodies of people with type 2 diabetes make insulin but cannot use it effectively.

Insulin is not available in oral form. It is delivered by injections that are generally required one to four times per day. Some people use an insulin pump, which is worn at all times and delivers a steady flow of insulin throughout the day.

Insulin preparations differ in how quickly they start to work and how long they remain active. Sometimes different types of insulin are mixed together in a single injection. The types of insulin to use, the doses required, and the number of daily injections are chosen by a health care professional trained to provide diabetes care.

People who need insulin are taught to give themselves injections by their health care providers or diabetes educators.

Unlike type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes may respond to treatment with exercise, diet, and/or oral medications. There are several oral hypoglycemic agents that lower blood glucose in type 2 diabetes. They fall into one of three groups:

Medications that increase insulin production by the pancreas. These include Amaryl, Glucotrol, and Glucotrol XL, Micronase, Diabeta, Glynase, Prandin, and Starlix.
Medications that increase sensitivity to insulin. These include Glucophage, Avandia, and Actos.
Medications that delay absorption of glucose from the gut. These include Precose and Glyset.

Most type 2 diabetics will require more than one medication for good blood sugar control within three years of starting their first medication. Different groups of oral medications may be combined, or insulin and oral medications may be used together.

Some people with type 2 diabetes find they no longer need medication if they lose weight and increase activity, because when their ideal weight is reached, their own insulin and a careful diet can control their blood glucose levels.

Oral hypoglycemic agents are not known to be safe for use in pregnancy; women who have type 2 diabetes and take these medications may be switched to insulin during pregnancy and while breast-feeding.

Gestational diabetes is treated with diet and insulin.

SELF-TESTING

Self-monitoring of blood glucose is done by checking the glucose content of a drop of blood. Regular testing tells you how well diet, medication, and exercise are working together to control your diabetes.

The results of the test can be used to adjust meals, activity, or medications to keep blood sugar levels in an appropriate range. Testing provides valuable information for the health care provider and identifies high and low blood sugar levels before serious problems develop.

The American Diabetes Association recommends that premeal blood sugar levels fall in the range of 80 to 120 mg/dL and bedtime blood levels fall in the range of 100 to 140 mg/dL. Your doctor may adjust this depending on your circumstances.

You should also ask your doctor how often to check your hemoglobin A1c (HbA1c) level. The HbA1c is a measure of average blood glucose during the previous two to three months. It is a very helpful way to monitor a patient's overall response to diabetes treatment over time. A person without diabetes has an HbA1c around 5%. People with diabetes should try to keep it below 7%.

Ketone testing is another test that is used in type 1 diabetes. Ketones build up in the blood when there is not enough insulin in people with type 1 diabetes, eventually "spilling over" into the urine. The ketone test is done on a urine sample. High levels of blood ketones may result in a serious condition called ketoacidosis. Ketone testing is usually done at the following times:

When the blood sugar is higher than 240 mg/dL
During acute illness (for example, pneumonia, heart attack, or stroke)
When nausea or vomiting occur
During pregnancy

EXERCISE

Regular exercise is especially important for people with diabetes. It helps with blood sugar control, weight loss, and high blood pressure. People with diabetes who exercise are less likely to experience a heart attack or stroke than diabetics who do not exercise regularly. You should be evaluated by your physician before starting an exercise program.

Here are some exercise considerations:

Choose an enjoyable physical activity that is appropriate for your current fitness level.
Exercise every day, and at the same time of day, if possible.
Monitor blood glucose levels before and after exercise.
Carry food that contains a fast-acting carbohydrate in case you become hypoglycemic during or after exercise.
Carry a diabetes identification card and a mobile phone or change for a payphone in case of emergency.
Drink extra fluids that do not contain sugar before, during, and after exercise.

Changes in exercise intensity or duration may require changes in diet or medication dose to keep blood sugar levels from going too high or low.

FOOT CARE

People with diabetes are prone to foot problems because of the likelihood of damage to blood vessels and nerves and a decreased ability to fight infection. Problems with blood flow and damage to nerves may cause an injury to the foot to go unnoticed until infection develops. Death of skin and other tissue can occur.

If left untreated, the affected foot may need to be amputated. Diabetes is the most common condition leading to amputations.

To prevent injury to the feet, people with diabetes should adopt a daily routine of checking and caring for the feet as follows:

Check your feet every day, and report sores or changes and signs of infection.
Wash your feet every day with lukewarm water and mild soap, and dry them thoroughly.
Soften dry skin with lotion or petroleum jelly.
Protect feet with comfortable, well-fitting shoes.
Exercise daily to promote good circulation.
See a podiatrist for foot problems or to have corns or calluses removed.
Remove shoes and socks during a visit to your health care provider and remind him or her to examine your feet.
Stop smoking, which hinders blood flow to the feet.

Expectations (prognosis)

The risks of long-term complications from diabetes can be reduced.

The Diabetes Control and Complications Trial (DCCT) studied the effects of tight blood sugar control on complications in type 1 diabetes. Patients treated for tight blood glucose control had an average HbA1c of approximately 7%, while patients treated less aggressively had an average HbA1c of about 9%. At the end of the study, the tight blood glucose group had dramatically fewer cases of kidney disease, eye disease, and nervous system disease than the less-aggressively treated patients.

In the United Kingdom Prospective Diabetes Study (UKPDS), researchers followed nearly 4,000 people with type 2 diabetes for 10 years. The study monitored how tight control of blood glucose (HbA1c of 7% or less) and blood pressure (less than 144 over less than 82) could protect a person from the long-term complications of diabetes.

This study found dramatically lower rates of kidney, eye, and nervous system complications in patients with tight control of blood glucose. In addition, there was a significant drop in all diabetes-related deaths, including lower risks of heart attack and stroke. Tight control of blood pressure was also found to lower the risks of heart disease and stroke.

The results of the DCCT and the UKPDS dramatically demonstrate that good blood glucose and blood pressure control, many of the complications of diabetes can be prevented.

Complications

Emergency complications include diabetic hyperglycemic hyperosmolar coma.

Long-term complications include:

Diabetic retinopathy
Diabetic nephropathy
Diabetic neuropathy
Peripheral vascular disease
Hyperlipidemia, hypertension, atherosclerosis, and coronary artery disease

Calling your health care provider

Go to the emergency room or call the local emergency number (such as 911) if symptoms of ketoacidosis occur:

Increased thirst and urination
Nausea
Deep and rapid breathing
Abdominal pain
Sweet-smelling breath
Loss of consciousness

Go to the emergency room or call the local emergency number if symptoms of extremely low blood sugar (hypoglycemic coma or severe insulin reaction) occur:

Weakness
Drowsiness
Headache
Confusion
Dizziness
Double vision
Lack of coordination
Convulsions or unconsciousness

Prevention

Maintaining an ideal body weight and an active lifestyle may prevent the onset of type 2 diabetes. Currently there is no way to prevent type 1 diabetes.

WHERE'S MY STUFF?

2007-10-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

I find myself again pounding the keyboard after another night of sleeplessness, a night which found me sitting in front of this evil box which usurps much of my time and energy while providing me with an endless source of frustration, and allowing me the opportunity to expand my knowledge and control of a language which when I was young would have been rewarded with a mouthful of soap.

The problem I am facing right now with this box is related to my inherent inability to put my stuff away properly when I am done with it. I am known far and wide as "Mr. I can't find my Fucking Keys", and "Mr. Who's Seen My Wallet?" During my twelve year marriage, my poor wife spent countless hours looking for stuff I had misplaced (generally right in plain sight) after I insisted she must have moved whatever it was just to torment me.

But this problem, while related to misplaced items (in this case, computer files) I cannot blame anyone but myself. Of course, I suppose I could blame it on Big Brother... oops My Bad! I meant to say Microsoft. Yeah... I know... a bit of a reach there.... like Bill Gates would have any interest in my class homework....

So once again I find myself having to dig through my hard drives. Sorting, documents, files, images, and programs. What a mess! Looks like I will be here awhile. (This pic is not of my office, I swear!)

NO PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO

2007-10-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it seems difficult for me to write, at least in the style which I know I am capable of. I know that somewhere within me is the spark that used to fuel the passion for writing I once enjoyed. Something happened, and the passion faded like an old photograph. I would give most anything to rekindle the spark, the passion I once knew. But in this moment, there just seems to be a void. A cold emptiness which I am not able to explain. I look inside for the words, and what used to be like a closet, where the words hung like garments, seems dark and empty now. Sometimes, when I try to open the door to my creativity, it seems like the darkness pulls me in, envelopes me, and I get stuck there in the empty space for awhile. Today, however, it seemed as though there was a new garment hanging in the closet, as it were. Just the one, and nothing else. I can see it, reach in and feel it, and am thrilled to find it there.

Lately, and for quite some time, things have not been right in my life. I am not really where I want to be. Physically, emotionally, financially, artistically, spiritually.... I would like to be somewhere else. I am tired of feeling drained all the time. Physically, my body is a wreck. I was in arrhythmia as little as an hour ago, and I am struggling and failing to keep my blood sugar in range. I have not been sleeping well for a number of weeks, and my sleep patterns are totally messed up. I know I am depressed, because I am in a space where I prefer darkness to the light. I used to be afraid of the dark to an extent when I was a kid, but now, darkness is sort of like an old friend. I can close the door to my office, and turn out the light, and just sit in my armchair. The darkness rushes in to cover me like a blanket, and I am able to relax. Something about it, I am not sure what, but I find it to be both warm and peaceful. In the darkness of my room, nothing reaches me, not even light. I feel safe, and secure in the darkness. I do not suffer from photophobia, not in the strictest sense, but on the whole, because of the annoying spots I see as a result of my glaucoma, I do prefer dimmer light much of the time, because in relative dimness, I do not see the spots which often resemble small black flying bugs to me. But also, because I am familiar with my surroundings, I am comfortable moving about in relative darkness. I do not have to see to know where things are. Once, out of morbid curiosity, I darkened my home completely, and lived in near complete darkness for about a week. I listened to music, bathed, prepared meals, and moved about my house in near complete darkness. With the exception of my computer, and the various indicator lights on electronics, the television (which I rarely watch) and candles, there was no light. What I found was that for a time, darkness can be quite peaceful. But at the same time, I believe we require light. Not lighting, but light. Daylight, specifically.

All life on the planet and everything in nature is dependent on the sun. Without the sun, there would be no life on the planet. All life is dependent on the sun. Plants convert the sunlight into energy, and all animals need plant life or other animals in order to live. All life in nature is dependent on the sun. We as humans are part of nature. We need sunlight just like everything else.

But I digress... I am getting off track. Basically, I just wanted to write today, and I have done that. I did not have any particular direction.

2007-10-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Expanding My Space
Current mood: hungry
Category: MySpace

Just letting you all know that I have been digging through my hard drives; I have found and uploaded a handful of pictures, and even a video I created last year as a Mothers Day gift for my wife. Of course, I have not seen her since, but technically she is still my wife. Either way, everyone thinks it is a great little video of our "children". Check it out.

MY BIG BROTHER (GOD I MISS HIM!)

2007-09-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

Some time back, before he passed away, my brother Joe was taking some college courses, and found that not only did he enjoy writing, but that he was actually good at it. No one was more surprised at this than Joe. He loved telling jokes, and spinning yarns, and was happiest when he could drag it out on an unsuspecting victim who listened intently for quite some time, only later to realize that Joe had been pulling their leg. But it seems that he found that in writing, he could paint a picture in words, and I believe that gave him much pleasure.

This story was found in an old folder where it was placed many years ago when Joe handed it to Donna to read while he was in the hospital. It brought tears to our eyes as we read it today, and I felt compelled to post it here today. (I am taking the liberty to add some pictures I found online to go with the story, but other than that, the story is unedited)

SOUTHERN TOWNS

Joe Fitch
1106 G St.
Washougal, WA. 98671

552 56 0359

(360) 835 5462

I love small southern towns. I spent a good part of my youth in them, and

even though I have since moved north to find work and raise my family in a large

city, I have never lost my fondness for the easier tempo of country living.

A few years ago, I took a vacation to visit my "Granny" down in Russellville, Kentucky.

She still keeps a small farm about eight miles outside of town and leases the fields to

a local man. He cares for the crops and the few head of dairy cows she has left from

the days when she and Grandpa did it all and raised seven kids. Grandpa is gone

now, and Granny is in her eighties, but the old farm still does well enough for her to

live independently. "

I still had two hours left to drive, so I pulled off the turnpike at Morgantown,

Kentucky to get some lunch and rest up from the eight hours I had been on the highway.

This part of western Kentucky is lush and rolling farmland, generously endowed

with hardwood forests, lakes, rivers, and ponds; much as I remembered from my

boyhood.

Driving into the main part of town, I was pleased to see what appeared to be a one

hundred-year-old red brick courthouse, a blocky, three story remnant of the post

Civil war "Reconstruction" era. The main floor was, reached by climbing twenty

stone steps from the ground level to the massive front doors. Directly above was a

sign cut in native stone: Butler County Court 1870. Fresh white paint covered all

the woodwork near the main entrance, as well as the functioning storm shutters that

flanked every window that let into the main and upper levels. The well-clipped

lawns around the place were sprinkled generously with huge white oaks, hickories,

and beech trees, shading the ample rhododendrons and azaleas that lent their rich

colors to the scene. The lower floor was halfway belowground, and judging from

the white painted and closely spaced bars at every window, this was the county lockup.

The courthouse and surrounding lawns formed a square, around which all the

traffic flowed, and daily business went on around it in a relaxed fashion. There was

a war memorial of some sort next to the main steps, with its attendant World War I

howitzer and bronze plaque set into a large granite stone. A few people strolled

around the grounds, visiting, cutting through on errands, or maybe just loafing in

the late spring sunshine.

Directly across from the front of the courthouse was my destination.

"Leona's" was a smallish cafe in the 1940s style featuring a long counter

across the entire back wall of the room with stools covered in red plastic and

chrome. Six tables were scattered around the central area, spread with bright tablecloths. Eight booths crowded against the front windows, and I picked one to sit down. Each booth had its own juke box console, and as I looked over the selections, I noticed the sign near the coin slot: 10c per play, 3 plays for 25c. Now that brought back some

memories.

The waitress brought over a glass of ice water, and asked if I wanted some coffee, and gave me

the menu. I said "Yes" to the coffee, and she moved behind the counter. She was lovely; maybe three years out of high school, tall and slender, her long brown hair tied back in a ponytail. She wore a bright yellow print dress, a white

starched apron, and low white athletic shoes. She moved with an economy of motion

that was meant, I'm sure, to conserve energy over a long day spent on her feet.

When she brought my coffee over, I asked her name. "Willy Givens" she said, and

smiled radiantly. "What's yours?" I told her, and remarked that I liked her town.

"Thanks," she said, then "Will you be staying in town for a while? We're having a

parade and fair later this week."

"No, I'm just here for a little while, and then driving on to Russellville to see

my family. I'll be passing back through on Saturday, though, on my way back

home."

"The fair starts Friday at noon. You should stop in and see some of it if you

can,"

she said.

"Thanks, Willy, I might just do that. I could use a little fun before I head

back to work for another year." She beamed that brilliant smile at me again, and I

ordered a hamburger to go along with my coffee. The sandwich was good, and I

took my time eating it, enjoying watching Willy as she moved among the other

customers, chatting with each as if he or she was the only one in the place.

I paid for my lunch, leaving what I hoped was a nice tip, and walked back

into the sunshine again. I felt good, so I walked about a bit peering into the stores as

I passed. There was a Western Auto store with some swell fishing rods in the

window, lawnmowers and wheelbarrows set out on the sidewalk. A movie house was

showing two western films that I had already seen. The drug store had paperbacks

on a rack outside the store, and I looked at the selection, but couldn't find anything I

wanted to read. It suddenly dawned on me that it had been a long time since I had

seen someone put his or her wares out on the sidewalk for anybody to sort through.

In a city, that's just asking to be ripped off by anyone who comes by.

Walking back to my car, I hoped that it would be a long time, if ever, before

these nice folks felt the need to change their ways.

Leaving Morgantown behind me, I drove the country roads toward

Russellville, enjoying the rolling backcountry views as they unfolded before me.

Fields of corn and tobacco blended with acres of grass hay, and patches of sweet gum

trees crowded close to the pavement as I drew closer to Granny's place. Ponds full

of catfish called to me from the roadside, daring me to stop for awhile; to slow and

enjoy the clock-stopping pace that I missed while living in a large city. The last

hours of my drive here were nearly done, and as I pulled onto the sweetbrier

bordered lane that led to the old farm, the last of the city-born tensions slipped off

my shoulders.

I was home.