FIRST NEW POEM IN A LONG WHILE

I do not know why the only time I feel inspired to write poetry is when my heart is broken, or when my life is in turmoil. Perhaps it is simply because it is during these times that I feel things most intensely, and perhaps I have no other outlet. I have a blog in the draft stage that is no where near ready to post, but this poem came from my broken heart this morning. It is written about my ex girlfriend/ex lover/ex friend Corrie. I did not choose for it to be over, I did not want it to end. But a lot of things have been going wrong for a long time, and yesterday she erased me from her life. Her friends erased me from theirs as well it appears. None of them read this, and it would not matter if they did. There is always one person left behind when a relationship ends. She was looking for a new relationship the whole time we were together, so I really am the fool here. But, broken hearts and promises. I still love her, and am in the grieving stage. So... as follows... my poem. Thanks for reading.

Brown Glass Eyes

(for Corrie)

As I look into my heart
Shattered beyond repair
To the place you used to occupy
Unable to find you there

I think about the love we had
The tears and laughter shared
The joy of your touch, the softness of your skin
In precious moments paired

I think of the flecks of gold and green
cast by God Himself in perfect array
The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
Closed forever to me this day

I think of the succulent taste of your lips
As they caress mine with tender kisses
I think with fondness of your hand in mine
And of the love my heart now misses.

An empty void in my heart
A hole inside my head
I did not want us to part
And I wish that I were dead.

You seemed to be the perfect one
Imperfect just like me
Happily I lived with you and your son
And prayed for our life to be

But now you have erased me from your life
And burned me from your heart
The dreams that you would be my wife
You methodically tore apart.

Your friends I see have erased me too
I must admit that really hurt me bad
I guess I had hoped for more from you
So I am more than a little sad.

From Zero Attraction
and fear of being hurt
My heart is in traction
Ground into the dirt

But the communication failed, the trust was broken
I thought that you loved me, I thought your love was true
But over time the untruths that were spoken
In your search to find someone new

You never gave me a chance to validate your heart
You felt unworthy of the love I gave
You were bent on destruction from the start
Now there is precious little to save

After all the trials that we faced,
After all that we had been through
From the day we first embraced
I fell in love with you.

I thought that we shared a love
Two lives once broken, joined and made anew
A gift to us from God above
I thought we shared a love, but turns out only I loved you.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, AND THANKS FOR THE BROKEN HEART

I really blew it today. I know how and why I lost my composure, and yet somehow looking back at the things I said, it does not seem real. Maybe it has not sunk in yet. I blew it. I am in a miserable mood right now, mostly feeling sorry for myself. I am angry at myself, and I am angry at my ex girlfriend. The horrible part is that I feel like she finally forced me to do and say these things tonight. Because of my underlying emotions, and my feelings of loss of control in my life and relationship, I allowed my hurt feelings to fester into anger, and when I did that, it opened the door for me to act and talk in a way that was potentially abusive and controlling. Were my words abusive? Was I abusive? Was I really controlling? As I explore these questions and try to sort out my thoughts, I apologize for whatever emotions I may trigger from those that read this blog. I apologize for my intensity, and I hope you can forgive me. I am essentially just venting, and this is the only outlet I have at 4am on Valentine's Day.



My ex girlfriend and I have been struggling for a time. I know it is not all my fault as she might have others believe, and I know it is not entirely her fault, which I actually accused her of tonight. But there is so much more to this story, and I have to write about it. I HAVE TO.... for my sanity. I need to sort out these myriad thoughts and feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. I am presently feeling an overall sense of sick emptiness. My heart is crumbling yet again because I am in denial. I love this woman even though things have not been going well for awhile. I never wanted to hurt her, but yet it is precisely what she expected all along, and what she accused me of, what she challenged me to do everytime things got particularly difficult.



In order for me to do damage control tomorrow, likely by way of an email, I need to think about the things that are bothering me, and put them into words as opposed to feelings. I need to identify what hurt me and why it hurt me, I need to acknowledge that I am indeed angry, even if anger is actually a secondary emotion.

Here are some snippets I found about love.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.

Don’t leave everything to to god though, because:
“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”


Here is something positive for you,


“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. “


And as positive as it gets:


It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.


Or you can laugh it away with something like:Nothing takes the taste out of peanutbutter quite like unrequited love.


And never giving up:


It takes a minute to like someone, and hour to love someone, but to forget someone takes a life time.

PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED

Dismally disappointed in myself, I find myself in a somewhat pensive mood this evening, and I want to write. I do not even really care what I write about, just so long as I write. Some of my best stuff comes when I sit down without a plan. I guess, if I do not have to be anywhere in particular, I am free to wander. Heck, some of the worlds greatest discoveries were made by accident. That is not to say that I am going to write about anything earth shattering here, but I am going to write, and haven't a clue where this mood is going to take me.

So... Lets start with the subject of honesty.

According to Wikipedia,

Honesty is the human quality of communicating and acting truthfully related to truth as a value. This includes listening, and any action in the human repertoire — as well as speaking.

Superficially, honesty means simply stating facts and views as best one truly believes them to be. It includes both honesty to others, and to oneself (see: self-deception) and about one's own motives and inner reality. Honesty, at times, has the ability to cause misfortune to the person who displays it. Honesty can also mean fairness, and truthfulness, and the avoidance of misleading people.

The Western Concept of Honesty

The concept of honesty applies to all behaviors. One cannot refuse to consider factual information, for example, and still claim that one's knowledge, belief, or position is an attempt to be truthful or is held in "good faith." Such willful blindness is clearly a product of one's desires and simply has nothing to do with the human ability to know. Basing one's positions on what one wants — rather than unbiased evidence gathering — is dishonest even when good intentions can be cited — after all even villains could cite good intentions and intended glory for a select group of people. Clearly then, an unbiased approach to the truth is a requirement of honesty.

Because intentions are closely related to fairness, and certainly affect the degree of honesty/dishonesty, there is a widespread confusion about honesty. There is also a general belief that one is necessarily aware that dishonest behavior is dishonest. But it's at the moment when one willfully disregards information in order to benefit (such as to justify their actions or beliefs) that one shows whether they are interested in the truth or whether they have a lack of respect for the truth, which is dishonesty, regardless of whether they mislabel it stubbornness or conviction. Socrates had much to say about truth, honesty and morality, and explained that if people really understood that their behavior was wrong — then they simply would not choose it. Furthermore, the more dishonest someone is, the less likely they are to understand honesty and to characterize their behavior as wrong. Unfortunately,the meaning of honesty has been marginalized to specific lists of behaviors that more often than not --change over time like fashion. The understanding that honesty requires an unbiased approach to the truth and to evidence gathering at all times (a timeless approach) collides with ideologies of all types. This would explain why honesty, although often discussed -- has failed to become a cultural norm. Ideologies and idealism inherently exaggerate and suppress evidence in order to support their perspectives. They essentially state that their way is the only right way to view the world. This erodes the practice and understanding of honesty and creates ongoing conflicts in all human relationships.

Okay, honestly, I just cut and pasted the previous. It was a lot easier that way, and it allows me to move on.
I have been struggling with honestly a lot lately. No so much that I am having a hard time telling the truth, to the contrary... I am having a difficult time keeping my big mouth shut. I gave up on lies several years back... as a result, I hurt other's feelings a lot. I always seem to say the wrong thing. I do not seem to possess as much tact as I perhaps should.

So, here I am, in a relationship, looking for work, and dealing with a whole lot of stuff I would rather not have to. OOps... That kinda came out wrong. I have a lot on my plate right now, a lot of stress. It is largely related to my lack of employment and my difficulty paying bills. I am looking for work, and that is stressful, and I am in a relationship. When I said there was a lot of stuff I did not want to deal with right now, I was referring to everything BUT my relationship with Corrie. That, while not perfect, is the one thing in my life that makes it worthwhile to get up in the morning. If it were not for her, I would be facing my problems alone, and to be honest, I would rather face them with her. She gives me a lot of strength and courage.

Anyway, Honesty. Honesty is one of the things about her that I admire so completely. She seems unable to lie. Her direct and forthright way of speaking her mind is totally refreshing. No bullshit, no guessing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would tend to say that in her I have found a woman who has no malice in her heart (unless you are a clown... she hates those). I don't blame her. Which reminds me... did you hear about the cannibals? They will not eat clowns because they smell funny.