HUMOR IN ADVERTISING

I found this at Fred Meyers yesterday, and my room mate and I got a great laugh from it. Maybe because our minds are generally in the toilet (literally) we thought it was a riot. Even reading it straight, it was funny, because we both apparantly appreciate bathroom humor. Either that or because we realize the futility of anything covering some of the odors that come out of that room.

A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

Introducing my Granddaughter, Makayla

About five months ago I met my stepson's fiance for the first time. She was shy, and quiet and scarcely turned away from the jigsaw puzzle she was working on. Shortly afterwards, my step son (Chris), his fiancé (Betsy), and her daughter (Makayla) visited me at my girlfriend's apartment. The very first day I met Makayla it was her 5th birthday. I had nothing for her, but as Chris informed me she was about to be my grand daughter, I acted fast. Remembering a pair of stuffed Hershey's Kisses toys my ex wife (Chris' Mom) had bought for me many Valentines Days before, I presented those to Mac with as little ceremony as possible.

So, Chris and Betsy were married last weekend, and although brief, I was very glad to attend the ceremony. Perhaps later I may have some pictures to post. This weekend there were a couple firsts. I received my first kiss from my grand daughter. Her grandmother whined that she did not even merit a kiss from Makayla, but somehow I did. So I teased that I would have to train the child to kiss my cheek whenever I asked for sugar.... my ex groaned, "You would!" The other first was a photograph, the first of me with my grand Daughter.

These things are important to me because I really have little family, and no biological children. Christopher is the closest thing to a son I will ever have, and I could not be prouder of him if he were my son. So for him to insist that Mac call me Grandpa Jeff, it makes me feel kinda warm and proud all at once. I was so worried that because I was such a schmuck, I would have a negative impact on his life. He turned out wonderfully in spite of me. He is a decent, hard working, loving man, who I have complete faith in. His bride is beautiful, and intelligent, and funny. She is a real kick in the pants. Makayla is the embodiment of a little girl; sugar and spice and everything nice. Might want to cut back on the sugar though! She is a happy, smiling, active 5 year old who loves chattering and being the center of attention. She is very photogenic, as you can see by the way she posed for the camera above. Me? Chris' camera blinded me.... but a good picture nonetheless.

Here is the rub; I have never been a father. I have never been a grandfather. This is all a little new to me. I do not really understand what is expected of me in this role. I do not know how to be a grandfather. But.... with thanks to almighty God for the healing He has brought into my life and into the relationship with my ex, and my step son, I am looking forward to trying to be one.

OTHER PEOPLE'S TEARS

Since I was up this morning, rather, since I was still up this morning, poking around my blogs, I ran across an old blog which marked a very important moment in my life. I was writing about my ex wife and our relationship, and something profound slipped out. I had quite forgotten about it until this morning. Well, since I know she has never seen my blog, and had never read the entry, and since we are now talking again after several years of not talking, I went ahead and called her at work (she works graveyard) and asked if I could share the blog (read it to her). http://thetruthhurts.blogspot.com/2005_08_20_archive.html (You can find it here)

So I began to read. I thought it would only take a couple minutes... may have taken a few, but as I began to read, I realized that she had become deathly quiet. I realized I had her attention, and she was listening to me, so I continued to read. Now, I know I can write halfway decent if I set my mind to it, and that on occasion I actually write quite well. I think the entry wrote itself for me, but it came out well. As I finished reading the blog entry, I realized that she was crying softly. This was confirmed moments later when she sniffled a little, and said, "You asshole!"

I never intended to make her cry. God knows how many tears she has shed because of me. I think back over my life, and while I have had more than my own share of tears, I recognize that I have been the cause of many more tears. Not only with my ex wife, but my current girlfriend, my past girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my nephew once or twice, a particularly rude and obnoxious customer at the bar I used to work at; the list goes on. How many tears besides my own am I responsible for? When I got married, Pastor Jon wished Terri and I "enough tears to make us tender". We should never have given him free reign to modify our ceremony as he saw fit. But, in retrospect, I kinda understand what he meant, and I am thankful.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Not everyone can remain friends with thier ex spouse. Not everyone has the opportunity to take a good long hard look at themself and then have the opportunity to change.

I guess perhaps I am approaching yet another crossroads in my life, and I will be facing the prospect of changing yet again. This time, I think, I will be changing to save my life. I have promised it so many times through the years, and it is past time, way past time I live up to my promises.

NOCTURNE

Something is wrong. You feel somehow inexplicably that something is amiss, yet you cannot put your finger on it, and say "There! That's it! That is my problem!" No; you just do not feel right, and something deep inside you is telling you something is wrong. This is what I am feeling tonight, and it may be a large part of the reason I have not been sleeping well lately. This is like the third day of messed of sleep for me, and I have lost count of the number of days in a row that my stupid heart acted up. Yes, even now, as I type this, I can feel my heart beating rapid and irregular. Actually, it is in atrial fibrulation, so it is not so much beating in my chest as it is having a siezure. It is completely my fault too, I should not complain about my lot in life, or the trouble I have, because everything that is happening to me now is pretty much the result of me making some incredibly poor decisions in the past.

My heart; lack of exercise, smoking, bad diet, genetic predisposition aside, and diabetes aside, I made choices that affected my heart health, and I ended up with triple bypass at 37 years old. Too young for this sort of stuff. Okay, my diabetes situation is much the same.... Had I taken better care of myself.... and of course diabetes leaves me predisposed for heart disease.... CRAP!

Sometimes, I am afraid to go to sleep because on some level I am afraid I will not wake up. My father went to bed one night, he was 43 years old... he had been sick, and had just returned to work.... and that night died of a massive heart attack. I cannot say that less than 7 months before my 43rd birthday that it is not something I think about. I have long believed that I would not see past 43, but it was so much further away then. Now, it is practically here. My cardio surgeon told me if I did not change, I had 5 years, and that time is up in a few weeks. I think about this a lot and lament that I screwed up so bad. I had the opportunity to change... I had the opportunity to live.... but I wasted it. So.... leaves me asking myself: "Whatchugointodoaboutitasshole?"

For now, I am going to get my feet up, and try to get some rest. I will consider this all later.

THEMATIC APPERCEPTION TEST

I realized that for some reason this poem was not legible when I posted it before, and since it is an image file and not a text file, it made it difficult to edit.. sorta. I broke it up to 3 larger images so it could be read. Have fun.

ANOTHER POEM

I had to dig through my hard drive to find this. This was my last poem I wrote. I wrote it about a week and a half after my divorce was final. I think of it as closure. Until that point I had not given up on the hope my ex and I would get back together. No sooner than I wrote that, someone I had never met before messaged me online. I never really thought much about it. I was not looking for a relationship. Now here it is over a year and a half later, and we are still together. Further, in the past six months or so, I have had the opportunity to salvage at least some of the friendship with my ex. At least we have been able to talk out a lot of the residual issues left over from our failed life together. Reminds me... this photo was my ex's idea.. it is funny albeit quite awkward.

POETRY SCANS

I want there to be some record of my having been here, that is why I write. But much of what I write has never been seen by more than just a select few. Today I am going to post some scans of some of my poetry. A warning though; I generally only have written poetry when I was depressed or in crisis, or when I was dwelling on something . I guess it is time to share. Feel free to comment on them if you wish.

RUMINATIONS

Yesterday I spoke to a friend who I met several years ago online, but having lost contact on more than one occasion, and letting much time pass, it was a little like starting from scratch. For each of us, like so much water under a bridge, life has continued on its merry way, years passed bringing us each closer to death. But life is not over for either of us yet and there is still time to do what God intended in the days that remain.

As Sheriff Chappy Dent (William H. Macy), in the 1999 movie "Happy Texas" said to Harry Sawyer (Jeremy Northam), "It's all about the finding out." That is the great thing about friends: Any amount of time can pass, even years, but when you see each other again, it is like no time has passed at all. You just pick up where you left off. In this case, the thing that strikes me is I really like how this person thinks and writes. I found them intelligent, articulate, and amusing. If I were not concerned with "the finding out", it would be my loss, because I believe in any relationship, the opportunity to grow as a person is always present.

During our brief chat last evening, I mentioned Leo Tolstoy's Diaries. He started his diaries when he was about 13 years old, and had filled 13 volumes by his death. Many of his entries were days, weeks, months, and on occasion years apart. I do not feel too bad that I too allow time to pass between my writings, whether it is journals or emails. I have , or would have about 8 volumes of journals had several of them not been lost to me. They represented about 20 years of my life. Too bad they were lost to me. I really need to get my shit together and start writing again. Many people have encouraged me, yet I still procrastinate, and fear rejection. Who would ever want to read what I have to say? Damn me and my low self esteem issues.

This is my first entry of 2009, and I think it is important to note that while I did not formally make any resolutions this year, I have decided to try to make 2009 the year I take back control. In the areas of my life where control is an issue, where I should have control but don't, specifically my health, and my attitude, I hope to take a more proactive approach, and change what I can. It is important, especially if I want to have a longer and healthier life. Something has to change, and I am the only person with the power to do that.

LEFT SIDE LUMPY

I have a million things I need to be thinking about besides blogging, yet here I am. Feeling a little guilty perhaps because I am procrastinating, and I know it. I do not want to be doing all those other things. I do not want to be thinking about those million other things. First of all, I am tired. Got me a bunch of those annoying little aches and pains that come with getting older, and sleeping like a cat, sprawled across a bed, on top of pillows, blankets, et cetera. I know better than to do lumpy. But, I was tired when I laid down, and lumpy the bed was, so lumpy I now feel. Crap. Actually, it is my right shoulder, neck and side that hurt, but the caption "Left Side Lumpy" just sounded better.

I had better get used to it. I have shattered my elbow, dislocated both shoulders, had numerous broken bones, quite literally from my head to my feet. I am nearing middle age, and I should expect there to be more and more days where I will feel at least a little lumpy. I better learn to like it, or lump it. Gee... that sounded so much funnier in my head before I typed it.

PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED

Dismally disappointed in myself, I find myself in a somewhat pensive mood this evening, and I want to write. I do not even really care what I write about, just so long as I write. Some of my best stuff comes when I sit down without a plan. I guess, if I do not have to be anywhere in particular, I am free to wander. Heck, some of the worlds greatest discoveries were made by accident. That is not to say that I am going to write about anything earth shattering here, but I am going to write, and haven't a clue where this mood is going to take me.

So... Lets start with the subject of honesty.

According to Wikipedia,

Honesty is the human quality of communicating and acting truthfully related to truth as a value. This includes listening, and any action in the human repertoire — as well as speaking.

Superficially, honesty means simply stating facts and views as best one truly believes them to be. It includes both honesty to others, and to oneself (see: self-deception) and about one's own motives and inner reality. Honesty, at times, has the ability to cause misfortune to the person who displays it. Honesty can also mean fairness, and truthfulness, and the avoidance of misleading people.

The Western Concept of Honesty

The concept of honesty applies to all behaviors. One cannot refuse to consider factual information, for example, and still claim that one's knowledge, belief, or position is an attempt to be truthful or is held in "good faith." Such willful blindness is clearly a product of one's desires and simply has nothing to do with the human ability to know. Basing one's positions on what one wants — rather than unbiased evidence gathering — is dishonest even when good intentions can be cited — after all even villains could cite good intentions and intended glory for a select group of people. Clearly then, an unbiased approach to the truth is a requirement of honesty.

Because intentions are closely related to fairness, and certainly affect the degree of honesty/dishonesty, there is a widespread confusion about honesty. There is also a general belief that one is necessarily aware that dishonest behavior is dishonest. But it's at the moment when one willfully disregards information in order to benefit (such as to justify their actions or beliefs) that one shows whether they are interested in the truth or whether they have a lack of respect for the truth, which is dishonesty, regardless of whether they mislabel it stubbornness or conviction. Socrates had much to say about truth, honesty and morality, and explained that if people really understood that their behavior was wrong — then they simply would not choose it. Furthermore, the more dishonest someone is, the less likely they are to understand honesty and to characterize their behavior as wrong. Unfortunately,the meaning of honesty has been marginalized to specific lists of behaviors that more often than not --change over time like fashion. The understanding that honesty requires an unbiased approach to the truth and to evidence gathering at all times (a timeless approach) collides with ideologies of all types. This would explain why honesty, although often discussed -- has failed to become a cultural norm. Ideologies and idealism inherently exaggerate and suppress evidence in order to support their perspectives. They essentially state that their way is the only right way to view the world. This erodes the practice and understanding of honesty and creates ongoing conflicts in all human relationships.

Okay, honestly, I just cut and pasted the previous. It was a lot easier that way, and it allows me to move on.
I have been struggling with honestly a lot lately. No so much that I am having a hard time telling the truth, to the contrary... I am having a difficult time keeping my big mouth shut. I gave up on lies several years back... as a result, I hurt other's feelings a lot. I always seem to say the wrong thing. I do not seem to possess as much tact as I perhaps should.

So, here I am, in a relationship, looking for work, and dealing with a whole lot of stuff I would rather not have to. OOps... That kinda came out wrong. I have a lot on my plate right now, a lot of stress. It is largely related to my lack of employment and my difficulty paying bills. I am looking for work, and that is stressful, and I am in a relationship. When I said there was a lot of stuff I did not want to deal with right now, I was referring to everything BUT my relationship with Corrie. That, while not perfect, is the one thing in my life that makes it worthwhile to get up in the morning. If it were not for her, I would be facing my problems alone, and to be honest, I would rather face them with her. She gives me a lot of strength and courage.

Anyway, Honesty. Honesty is one of the things about her that I admire so completely. She seems unable to lie. Her direct and forthright way of speaking her mind is totally refreshing. No bullshit, no guessing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would tend to say that in her I have found a woman who has no malice in her heart (unless you are a clown... she hates those). I don't blame her. Which reminds me... did you hear about the cannibals? They will not eat clowns because they smell funny.

TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS

Found this image of a document I made as a joke some years back. Just posting it to be funny.

SELF DISCOVERY

For a time, it would seem, I have fallen off the planet. I do not know for certain whether the Earth picked up speed as it spun on it's axis, or whether it momentarily stopped altogether briefly, long enough only for the gravitational field to lose it's hold on me and allowing me to hurtle off into space. But obviously, for a time anyway, I was not here. What other plausible explanation might explain my lengthy absence from writing in my blog here? Oh wait! I know.. I know... I got it! The real reason I was not here posting blogs is because I was sailing deep into Polynesian waters when a storm came up were it not for the courage of the fearless crew, it surely would have been lost. The boat set down on the shore of some uncharted desert isle where I was held captive by seven crazed geriatrics that had capsized there some 40 years before.

No? Okay... that was a bit of a stretch. Bottom line, I have no excuses for not writing. I just looked at my blog today and was disappointed that there are relatively few entries in light of the length of time that this Blog has been online. I want to be a prolific writer, I want to share a little bit of myself, but every time I try, something happens and I blow it off. It is the same thing with my handwritten journals. I go months sometimes between entries. I feel bad for that because to a degree, I feel that I have lost a piece of my past by not keeping a record of it. Damn OCD anyway.

The last week alone has provided me with plenty of stuff to think and write about, but I just have not been able to slow down my brain long enough to actually sit down and do it. Then, like now, I am harried, as I have an appointment in like 30 minutes.... but it is a good thing. My job hunt has not been going well, I have had a large number of negative responses if I got a response at all. I have not been able to make it past the pre-employment phone screens. It makes me feel like crap because I know if I could only get to meet a person face to face, I would likely have had a job months ago. So, in an hours time, I will be sitting in front of a human resources administrator, and a department manager in the first face to face interview I have had in a very long time. Nervous? You bet. Anxious... yeah.. more so with each passing minute. I applied for virtually every single position within the company, short of management, though I could probably handle that too. The pre employment testing was a no brainer for me, but it seemed all common sense. I have no reason to be nervous really, but I do not want this job so much as need it. It is not with one of my preferred options. I applied at a lot of companies... some ecause I was interested, others because I was qualified, and others still because I knew they were more apt to hire because of the large rate of turnover. Todays interview is with one of the latter companies. I need a job, and have had to lower my standards about the type of work I am willing to do, and the treatment I am willing to endure, all in the name of getting a steady income flowing in.Okay... so I hope I get the job... but I am not ending my search here. I hope to develop and hone my skills, pad my resume with new experiences and certificates if possible... Pad.. okay.. bad word... But my resume is stripped pretty bare now because I am not looking for jobs working with kids or adults anymore. I am no longer a counselor, no longer a teacher, no longer a recreation professional, no longer a caregiver, and no longer really qualified for the work I once did. What I want now is a desk job, because of my health, but unlikely to see that here. I will likely be doing physical labor again, and with trepidations about my heart. I know lifting and moving items may cause me pain... but is it really worth saying anything and take a chance at not getting a job, or to go in, try my best, then give 20 % more if I can, and hope for the best? If something happens, I may be able to deal with it equally well after I have the job. Well.. wish me luck.. time for me to go. Crossing my fingers.

DANGEROUS WATERS

My girlfriend and I were out grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, and we had her 8 year old son with us. It was a day where nothing had been going smoothly, and so perhaps tolerance levels were not as high as they might be normally. Be that as it may, here it is dinner time, we had finished shopping, and had stopped by Wendy's for a couple burgers because Corrie did not really feel up to cooking. Everything is going well... until we pull back out onto the Avenue and turn towards home. Suddenly, there before our eyes is a 4 foot by 8 foot depiction of a physician's hand in rubber glove holding a small, completely formed, but eviscerated fetus. This billboard was being held for all to see by a woman probably in her 50's. She is obviously aware of her protected status under the constitution to display this horrid image to all passersby on this very busy public road.

I am proud to be an American, and am glad to call the USA my home. I support this country and all of its rights and privileges, and honor those brave men and women who have fought and died that we might have these freedoms, including the freedom of speech. I thank God for our First Amendment Rights, because while it gives that woman the right to offend people with the graphic images she held aloft for men, women, and children to view, within view of 2 restaurants at dinnertime, it also gives me the right to express my feelings about how angry I am that she deprived us of the right not to be assaulted in this fashion.

I suppose you would call me a middle of the road asshole. I support the woman's right to choose. I believe that there are instances where abortion is an option, and that ultimately that decision rests on the individual woman. I do not have to agree or disagree. I believe it is a choice, but that it should never be the first and only choice. It should never be used as birth control. Too many couples, loving people, regardless of race, economic status, or sexual orientation want to have children, and are not able. Many of these candidates are fully capable of providing safe, nurturing, loving homes to these so called unwanted children, and should have the opportunity.

I know my views may be unpopular to some, and realize that abortion is one of the most volatile issues today. When does a fetus become viable? When does it become sentient? When does it have rights of its own? When does it go from being a human fetus to being a human being? These are questions I am not qualified to answer. I am simply glad I was one of those that lived. I am glad I lived long enough to be able to articulate the complex and diverse feelings about something that has bothered me for 2 days now. I cannot justify posting the actual image that so offended my girlfriend and I, not in good conscience. If you have to see it, look up "truth trucks" on Google.

ON THE TURNING AWAY

I would love to be able to say that I feel good about everything I have accomplished this week, but I don't. What accomplishments I have had are tempered by the overall sense of discouragement I have taken away with me. I mean, I was discouraged before, but it seems that with each passing day, with each passing rejection, with each passing glimmer of hope extinguished one at a time, I am finding it more and more difficult to look at the bright side of things. I have long known that life is not easy generally, but I never really expected it to become this difficult.

I have long heard it said that "bad things happen to good people", and "no good deed goes necessarily unpunished". Okay... it was my sister telling me these things, and I never really spent a whole lot of effort listening to my sister. She has had a lot happen in her life, and to be frank, she depresses the hell out of me sometimes. When she isn't depressing me by being critical of the things I do, she is making me feel like crap by telling me how bad she has it. It was this uncomfortable relational dynamic that more or less helped me to decide to move out from her place nearly a year ago. I spent about 10 months living with her after losing my home. It was supposed to be a hand up, a mutually beneficial arrangement to help us both out. It did not work out that way. Over time she got on my nerves, and I suppose I on hers. The arrangement became unhealthy for both of us it seemed. Now, had I listened to my brother Joe, I would have learned not to sweat the small shit, and that it is all small shit. Fine, Joe. You were smart. You never ever lived with her.

Then there of course is the whole plethora of other things going on in my life. It is complicated when everything gets muddled together like this

THINKING ABOUT LYRICS

Earlier today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever had someone listen to a song because it encompassed a thought or feeling far better than she would have been able to express on her own. She acknowledged that she had done that. So to myself, I think, "Cool! I was afraid I was the only person that ever did that." My ex wife may not have had a grasp on the idea, or perhaps just could not relate to secular music. Perhaps still, maybe her upbringing did not allow that kind of thinking, or maybe she lacked the imagination to put herself in the shoes of the songwriter. It really does not matter. She basically thought I was nuts. As did my sister. My sister referred to all the music I used to listen to so regularly as either crap, or death music. Screw her too.

Anyway, a bit later my girlfriend played a song that was important to her back when she was a teenager. She apologized and tried to qualify the song by saying she had not listened to it in years, and did not know if it would still hold the same meaning for her. Okay, okay.. we all grow up, and think about things differently. As long as it was not Tiny Tim, I would not hold it against her. It wasn't, thank goodness. But by the third note I recognized the song as Pat Benetar's "Hell is For Children" and knowing her and her story as well as I do, I was neither surprised nor critical of her choice. It was apt. But that got me to thinking; I became aware earlier today that Richard Wright of Pink Floyd had lost his battle to cancer and I felt bad that an integral part of the Pink Floyd sound was forever silenced. Back in the day, when I was a teenager, I thought the Floyd was the best rock band ever. (I have since broadened my perspectives a bit.) I still like the Floyd, and always will albeit not as fond of the darker stuff Waters used to write. But in my youth, I felt a certain kinship with the music, because some of it was dark. SO, I played the song that I felt as a teenager most encompassed my experience. Likewise, I had not listened to it in many years. In the 20 or so years that have passed since I last heard it, a lot has changed with me, and suffice to say, the song no longer means the same thing to me. It now seems more like some sort of sublingual self fulfilling prophesy. It upset me that I identify now with much more of the song, and it is not a good thing. The lyrics follow. I will get back on this train of thought shortly.

Dogs

by Pink Floyd

Animals, 1976

c. Pink Floyd: (Waters, Wright, Mason, Gilmour)



You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need

You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street

You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed

And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight

You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

And after a while, you can work on points for style

Like the club tie, and the firm handshake

A certain look in the eye, and an easy smile

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to

So that when they turn their backs on you

You'll get the chance to put the knife in.

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder

You know it's going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older

And in the end you'll pack up, fly down south

Hide your head in the sand

Just another sad old man

All alone and dying of cancer.

And when you loose control,

you'll reap the harvest that you've sown

And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone

And it's too late to loose the weight you used to need to throw around

So have a good drown, as you go down, alone

Dragged down by the stone.

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused

Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used

Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise

If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending

That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend

And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner

And everythings done under the sun

And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

Who was born in a house full of pain

Who was trained not to spit in the fan

Who was told what to do by the man

Who was broken by trained personnel

Who was fitted with collar and chain

Who was given a pat on the back

Who was breaking away from the pack

Who was only a stranger at home

Who was ground down in the end

Who was found dead on the phone

Who was dragged down by the stone.




not done; taking a break; finish this thought later

NEED NOT APPLY

Well, Crap!

Today was going pretty great until I realized that the HR Department had only called me for yet another phone screening, but since they did not reach me when they called, they moved on to the next applicant, and I missed the window of opportunity until at least November. The problem is is that the apartment lease is up in October, and doubt if it will be renewed. So need employment immediately. I made a number of online applications today, all for jobs I really do not want, but I know I have to accept the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial, how degrading, how low paid, or how far away. I am sick and freaking tired of employers turning me away because of the bullshit DV charge from my former client. I am not a violent person, and I did not do what she alleged. I simply told her that as long as she lived in my home that I could not have her self medicating with street drugs and alcohol and mouthwash when neither of the others was available. I never thought that I would lose my home and everything I owned to someone like that. I thought the laws were there to protect everyone. Instead, I found out that in this society the whole idea of Innocent until Proven Guilty is a farce. I lost my job, my home, everything of any value, my credentials, and over time, I have been losing hope a little at a time.

I even got turned down as a bouncer at a local tavern.... me, a 6' tall, 300 lb former cop with loads of experience, and Professional Assault Response Training. How can I go from having certification to carry a weapon, training to handle any situation, numerous work related seminars, certifications, and licenses, the physical size and strength to handle most labor jobs, and the intelligence to qualify me for the oldest High IQ organization in the world to a disabled and unemployed person who is getting turned down for every single job he has applied for in the past two years? The cost of living has kept on increasing, while my income hasn't. I guess maybe I am not as intelligent as I thought I was. But... on October 6th, I hear they are again testing in this area for membership to Mensa. I know I qualify, just never got around to taking the formalized test provided by the agency. All of my testing was done on pre employment screenings, the ASVAB, PSATs, SATs, etc. I guess I will pay the $40 and take the test for no other reason than it may look good on a resume.

I am incredibly discouraged right now, and am frustrated with the circumstances. I would be grinding my teeth if they had not already started falling out thanks to no insurance coverage.

FRESH BREATH

Yeah... Well! What can I say about the title of this entry? It was the first thing that popped into my head after I realized how long it has been since I blogged. I sort of wanted to convey in a couple words that I am still alive, well, and growing. What I ended up with is a Mentos Commercial. Oh well. I have one person that actually reads these things, and I hope that person is well. As for me... life moves on so rapidly sometimes, I find myself looking back and wondering "What the fuck was that?" I can't complain really though not for a lack of practice. I have spent so much of my life bitching about the myriad small annoyances that creep inevitably into everyones life, I sometimes forget my brother Joe's advice... the two rules for living as he called it... "1. Don't sweat the small shit. 2. It is all small shit." He was probably right. But, were he still alive, I would have to remind him that small or not, Shit still stinks generally. (Not mine of course!)

Anyway... this writing finds me looking at several areas of my life where I am not fully satisfied or even happy. One question keeps ringing in the back of my noggin; "So...; Whatchagonnadoboutitasshole?"

Several things generally weigh heavy on my mind on any given day.

In order of stress level (highest to lowest) they are:
Finances, Job (or lack thereof), my primary relationship, my physical health, my family, the future, legal obligations, basic needs.

Many years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on who I was and who/what I wanted to be. I had an image of myself in the future, and was content with that image. But life has a tendency to take us through many unexpected twists and turns. There is no planning for every contingency. In my teens I decided I would not get married until I was financially stable. RIiiighhht. Like that was actually going to happen. Love snuck up on me, and I was anything but secure. In fact, as I began dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I was homeless. I was not so much homeless in the sense that I was living on the streets. I had my truck, and a camper, and I basically chose to live like that because for a time, it was the most cost effective way to live. I was single, and my two dogs and I got by okay. We all took turns farting up the camper, so heat was never a problem. But the combination of airborne particles of poop vapors made the close quarters in the camper a bit unbearable at times. Okay.. okay.. too much info; I know. Suffice to say, while amusing to me to write about, it is mostly just a pointless distraction from what I really want to write about here.

Life is hard sometimes. I have a wonderful girlfriend right now, and if things go well, we will probably get married down the road. I don't care that I am not financially stable. What I do care about is her. She and I have so much in common, including the things we worry about. Finances being a biggie. Which brings me more or less to my point. Some years back, my health began to fail, and I was not able to work. Who ever expected me to have to go through heart surgery at age 37? Not me certainly. So, trying to live on a disability pension has not been easy. In fact, it downright sucked. So yesterday I finally get a call from the gal in personnel where I recently applied. In fact she called twice. (That's promising, right?) So tomorrow I call her to set up an interview. I am excited and scared at the same time. If I get the job, it means an end to the security of my pension, which is more than a lot of people make. But it also means a world of opportunity for me. It means putting my life as I know it on the line, taking a chance, hoping for the best, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe I will be able to take back control over my life. I have grown tired of feeling like a passive participant, having little control over the things that happen around me. I would rather hit the lottery, but I think a job would do my ego and self image a lot of good. I really could use a shot in the arm like this. As I understand it, it is an ISO 9000 company, and has a full benefit package. I have always kind of wanted a desk job, but ended up doing the more physical jobs. Now, if all goes well, I will be getting paid to talk, and work on the computer... two things I do a lot of already. It was not in my plan for my life, nor was living in the area I am. I grew up here, and always kind of hated it. Maybe now, I will find a reason to stay. I have no shortage of reasons to leave, but none of them are all that good.

I am anxiously looking forward to this opportunity for a new beginning. I have been needing a breath of freash air for a long while now. This may be just what the doctor ordered.

APPLES & ORANGES

Observation 1
Apples and Oranges

I think that this entry will be the first of a five part series dedicated to a verbose rambling on the subject of something I know very little about. Women. Oh yeah, this should be fun. Not that I will reveal anything particularly profound, earth shaking, or even relevant. It is a good thing that I am not married right now, as anything I say could and would be held against me. This is why I like to sprinkle my conversations with words and phrases like 'breasts', 'nipples', 'ass', and "fish taco', in the hope that these things actually will be held against me. But, it is counterproductive in that the more I use these words and phrases in casual conversation, the less likely it is that I will ever see them again. That may be part of how the phrase "Life's a Bitch, and then you marry one" came about. Wait... don't rush in to Safeway to stock up on eggs and produce to throw at me yet. (I might like that, and you know Safeway will love the business!)

In truth, I am typing this now when I should in fact be working on my homework. Anything to avoid my responsibilities. But my homework is not a part of the curricula of an institution of higher learning. There are no grades, the deadlines are somewhat flexible, and you will find no female coeds (flexible or otherwise... DAMN!!) at my weekly class. But, due to circumstances, I am obliged to attend these classes, there are certain assignments I have to complete before I can "graduate", and I am actually learning quite a bit in spite of myself. It really is too bad about the lack of flexible female coeds though! It is probably for the best I suppose since what brought myself and the other men together in the first place was our relationships with women. Why is it that something with the promise of so much fun turns out to be such a pain in the butt? I mean, here we are, everything is going along, status quo, we have our jobs, our buddies, and Monday Night Football and things are good. We are the masters of our own lives, until one day something new crosses our field of vision, and we willingly run away from everything we know to get a closer look. We barely glance back at our buddies who in our absence are still quaffing mass quantities of our beer while watching our big screen tv, and who barely notice we are gone until the beer runs out or the game is over (whichever comes first). Nope... our buddies may drink and eat us out of house and home, and burn a hole in our sofa while trying to light a fart, but they will still be our buddies later, so we run after this new thing forgetting all about our buddies for awhile.

Then we catch up to the target of our distraction, only to find out that not only do they look good, much softer than our buddies... well, maybe with the exception of Frank... and they smell so good..... intoxicating even.... that all reason (the little we had in the first place) leaves us. We haphazardly throw all caution to the wind and begin to behave even more stupidly than we do normally.

Around our buddies, we are free to be our normal disgusting selves. We scratch, we belch, we scratch again. We laugh at farts, doggoneit! They are funny after all. They are fun. According to George Carlin, they are "Shit without the mess". We lie about our conquests with great abandon since our buddies all know that we are full of shit anyway, it really does not matter. They will never think any less of us if we lie about sex. After all, they do it too! But the problem with lying about sex to our buddies is that sooner or later, we have to at least make an effort to hang with someone with a higher voice than ours. Someone besides Frank that is. It does not matter how cute he looks in polyester, he is after all a buddy, and we overlook such things, right? Okay, maybe not. But if not for Frank, we’d have no one to duct tape to the fridge door in the garage. Don’t worry… he likes it. Besides, as the only one of us who is married and therefore the only one of us who actually gets stank on the hang low with any regularity, he deserves the abuse. Fucking Frank!

As I am writing this, it occurs to me that I may be just a little over the top. I think that a couple things might happen. One, this is intended to be funny, but may possibly offend one or two people with higher voices than mine. (Frank not withstanding) To them, because I am basking in the relative safety of the internet, I say “get over it!” I kinda want the reaction. In person, I am fairly outspoken, but incredibly shy about certain things. I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut, and spend a lot of time dining on “filet o Birk”. But it occurred to me today, why not write? Put it out there online, maybe amuse a few people, and channel my humor to the internet where it may get me in less trouble at home. Besides, maybe if I do catch the attention of the public, find myself an audience, maybe I can share some of the more serious stuff too. I would like to think that there is more to me than meets the eye, and that I have a lot of stuff to offer people. Two, my biggest concern, I may find myself in trouble with people I do not know. My family and friends are more or less accustomed to the weird, off the wall shit that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis. Hopefully more people are entertained than not. Remember, the comments are available to everyone, and I have posted my email, so there really is no excuse why you cannot share your thoughts as well. Looking forward to hearing from each of you.

NIGHTMARES & NOCTURNAL QUICKSTARTS

Fuck. Yep that's the word I am looking for. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I am aware how crass and stupid that sounds, but considering I am once again awake in the middle of the night, wanting to be asleep, but stuck with my eyes open, there is no better word or phrase to describe how I feel.

I am tired. Dead dog tired. I am running low on both energy and frustration. For some time now, my sleep patterns have been interrupted to say the least. Every 2 hours, like clockwork I shoot awake, sometimes as a result of my arrhythmia, but usually for no reason. The last couple days, I have been having bad dreams to boot. So here I am. Already frustrated about not getting any sleep, and I am irritated too because .... I suppose it does not really matter.

I want out. I want out of my lease, out of my apartment, out of my dreams, and out of my life. Sounds worse than it is, but sometimes each of those statements are true. For the past twenty minutes, my sister has been lurking behind me watching every word I type. Now, I doubt if she can read then from where she is standing, but then again, who knows? I no sooner typed that than she announced that she was going back to bed because she "must be bothering me".

I know she means well, but the circumstances that brought me here essentially left me no other choices. This was the best choice at the time. Now, I wonder, Was it Really? The fact of the matter is, she was bothering me. I hate it when she lurks. I have no privacy here, and I am certain she has issues with me as well. Nevertheless, every time I wake up, she is up a few minutes later. (I suppose my typing wakes her) She lurks into my room, and justs stands there for minutes on end staring at the back of my head. I hate that. She gets pissed at me if I do not call to check in when I am out. I am 41 years old, and feel like she is treating me like I am a three year old kid. She is not my mother, and she is not my wife, and I do not appreciate feeling like I should feel guilty for somehow not involving her in everything I do. It is not as though I have an exciting life, but it is mine, and I should be entitled to some privacy in the things I do.

It is not that I have anything to hide either, to the contrary, I am pretty fucking open about nearly every aspect of my life.

My Health: Not so good really. I am 41, and have been suffering with arrhythmia every day for the past 3 years. I have had triple bypass surgery, and let's face it, on the one hand the surgeons and physicians saved my life. However, on the other hand, I should have been able to expect that my chest should not be popping all over the place and causing me pain by now. I should have been able to expect some improvement in the way my heart behaves and feels. I am a brittle diabetic, and need help to keep my sugars under control. I have obstructive sleep apnea, and am on CPAP therapy. Some days, the neuropathy is so bad, I can barely walk. I use a cane, as much for balance as anything, and wounds barely heal. On the whole, my health leaves a lot to be desired.

My personal growth: A lot of shit has happened. The least of which was losing my home and its contents to a woman I was a paid care provider for in my own home. The legal ramifications, the financial responsibility, and all the crap I was ordered to do by the court system. aside from being biased and wrong, have provided me with opportunities for growth as a person. I hate that it came at such great personal cost, but I am thankful that I have grown as a person, and like the man I am now. I talk of this readily to those who would listen.

My spiritual development: I am simply thankful for all of my blessings across the board, and believe wholly in a God who loves me. There was a time when I was sort of a "closet Christian". I believed, but you could not tell by looking. I gave little or no indication to others of my beliefs. It was personal to me, and I was pretty self centered, self conscious, and hated doing anything that brought attention to me.

My Relationships: Well, obviously, I need to work on the relationship with my sister. At least so far as to set up some personal boundaries. I guess I need to address issues of assertiveness. I need to be more assertive with the people around me, less concerned about not hurting peoples feelings, at least to the degree where my own feelings get overlooked. Most of the relationships surrounding my family need at least some work. We are not exactly a closely knit family.
My marriage ended back in July, and I have spoken to my ex wife once since the divorce was final. We have not been together in over three years, but I still care very deeply for her, and miss her terribly. I suppose this is normal. But at the same time, I have met someone who I very much enjoy spending time with. She seems to accept me how I am, and appreciates the effort I am making to change much of the crap that got in the way of my having healthy relationships in the past.

I do not know precisely which direction this friendship is going, but there does seem to be potential for a whole lot more. That is not to say that there will not be problems. I already see that communication will be an area that requires constant attention. I have a big mouth, a truly twisted sense of humor, and often speak without thinking. Oh yeah... I know... my brother Joe used to give me crap about my CPAP, especially after the doctor ordered me a chinstrap to keep my mouth shut while on the machine. It seems I probably could use it in other areas of my life, especially since the latch that is supposed to keep my mouth shut does not seem to work, or may be missing. (It's a joke... the latch is figurative) I have a thought, and out it spills. May need to work on my judgement too, since I spend a fair amount of time apologizing for hurting people's feelings with the at times incredibly off the wall things I say.

I could write several paragraphs about this wonderful woman who is responsible for bringing so many smiles to my life lately, but think for now, I should exercise some discretion. After all, the relationship at this time is complicated. Anything I say about it now could be premature. She does consider me her boyfriend, but I am not ready to place a title on the relationship yet. Like I said, there are some complications. Nevertheless, short of saying "I Love You", I am developing strong feelings for her, and she most definitely matters to me. I just can't write about it in great detail yet, for her sake mostly. Loose ends and all to tidy up. But as we progress from "just friends" to "something more", I will be writing in here. For the time being, I intend on spending as much time as I can getting to know this woman, being there for her as a friend, supporting her as best I can as she takes care of the things she has to. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, and this is no exception. If I do intend on this relationship developing into a mature, nurturing, God-centered relationship, I know there are many things I need to do. I owe it to God, to her, to her son, and to myself.

ALIVE & WELL and LIVING IN THE PAST

Mood: Pensive

The title of this entry pretty much says it all. I am not here today. There are a lot of places I could be right now, but here is not one of them. This is made much more difficult by the fact that under the current governing laws of physics, no matter where my mind and heart are, my body is still stuck here typing. Even then there are things much more important that it should be taking care of right now. Shit.

Anyway, November is a month that for many represents the beginning of the holiday season, what with Thanksgiving and all. It is a time for families to gather together around the table in remembrance and thanksgiving, an opportunity to reflect on the many blessings we receive from God and family. Now, for me, I have not spent as much time around family as I perhaps should have, and for many reasons, I have never been emotionally available to my family and friends. It is a sad statement of the man I used to be, and an even sadder statement of the condition of my family unit. Look up dysfunctional in the dictionary, and you might find a portrait of my family.

November is a time of the year I adore, with the changing of the seasons, the bright colored fall foliage, the acrid smell of woodsmoke hanging in the crisp autumn air, and the sights and sounds of the quickly approaching promise of Christmas. I do love this time of the year, but would love it a lot more were I able to spend it with family. I sometimes long for the Norman Rockwell holidays, but generally when the opportunity did arise, I found yet another reason to spend the holidays alone, and in so doing bask in the depression that strikes me with regularity this time of the year without fail.

November marks several important dates this year.

• My 12th anniversary would have been on the 7th, had I not been divorced in July.
• My niece is celebrating her 21st birthday on the 19th.
• My brother Joe, would have celebrated his 64th birthday on the 18th.

So that's basically what's on my mind today. I am missing my brother, lamenting my failed marriage, regretting shoving my family away, and wishing I were better able to be there now for my family and friends.

This holiday season will not look any more like a Rockwell painting than any year previous, but I do hope to be able to spend it with family, and remember to be thankful that I have so much more than so many people do. As I pause to reflect on the things I am thankful for this year, maybe I should make it a point to let those I am thankful for know how I feel.

EMPTY WORDS

I have not been blogging as well as I might like, nor have I been journaling in my journals as frequently as I perhaps should. As a result, life passes byunnoticed. Not that I live a particularly exciting or noteworthy life but I feel that I should document at least some of it. Then again, who would read it? Ah well.... this blog is essentially intended for my family and friends and sinceI talk to neither as often as I should it is perhaps the only way they will know what is going on with me in my life. There it is. In a nutshell, my mission statement as it were. (*sigh) What is on my mind this morning is a conversation I had last night. I had gone to church, and even though I have been running on empty, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally, I did muster up enough energy to pay attention to the sermon. (barely) The pastor talked about Ecclesiology; The branch of theology that is concerned with the nature, constitution, and functions of a church. Yeah, yeah... I know..... (SNORE) But let me cut to the chase. Fast forward, snip for brevity, and mention the one thing that stands out most in my mind as it is, verbatim, something I have been saying for years; "Love is a Choice." I have been also saying that I do not believe that people "fall" in love. I believe that the initial attraction, or lust, is just that.... purely physical, purely selfish, purley sexual. But, after that, you have a choice, and should you choose to love, then you can work towards growing into love. It takes a conscious effort, a committed decision, and a lot of work, especially if you are trying to do love by the numbers... as God intended. Numbers? Oh yeah.... numbers.... sorry. Number 1. (Mt 22:37-40)Love the Lord your God with all your heart Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. Number 2 Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. Number 3. 8"'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. By the numbers, we are instructed to love God our spouses, and our neighbors. Basically in that order. So.... how are we to Love God with all that we are, love our spouses as Christ loved the Church, and love our neighbors as ourselves? Seems to me like it is a tall order... especially if you knew my neighbors! LOL But, I digress, there is only one way. We have to choose to love, and put it all into God's Hands. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and generally, you have to make sacrifices. That's life. Anyway... as I was saying, I had a conversation last night following the service, and all of this was rummaging around in the back of my mind. In any case, the jist of this conversation with someone I am growing to care about was this: In typical fashion, women tend to be more ready emotionally than men when it comes to love and relationships. Men, on the other hand, tend to be less willing to open themselves up to the possibility. This is because of the primary difference between men and women being , essentially, apples and oranges. Men are physical, while women are emotional. So, it is not uncommon for a woman to say "I love you" first. Men may say it, but I am willing to bet that a lot of first "I Love You's" from men occur during sex. It seems like such a waste of those three very powerful words since in that instance they are merely empty words. Now here it is; I was talking about this with someone I am growing fond of, and I see great potential for a future together whether as friends, or as something more, but have not decided that direction yet. But... I do not want to mess up either possibility. I do not want to jeopardize a wonderful friendship by moving too quickly, and I do not want to screw up the "something more" by also moving too quickly, or not moving at all. Damn quandries! So what does one do? Beats the Hell out of me.... I simply do not know. What I do know is this: I already fucked up several friendships, and a marriage by being selfish, inconsiderate, unthoughthtful, disinterested, dishonest, and short sighted. I am not willing to say the words if they are only empty words. I want to be able to mean it when I do say them. I want to try always to put God first, or at the very least, include Him in the realtionship. Being human, this is not easy. I want to employ everything I have learned from my past to ensure that this woman and I have a fighting chance no matter which way our relationship goes. But, all that aside, I really have to say, it feels really good spending time with her.It feels even better knowing that for the first time in my life I have been completely honest, no secrets, and have let my guard down intentionally that I might let her in. While it has been a challenge so far it has also been somewhat of a catharsis. I basically am feeling pretty good about things, and my life in general, and that, too, is a change for me. It is about time for a positive change in my life.

PERCEPTUAL PASSAGES

I find myself recently considering the passage of time, and how very relative any given block of time can be to any given individual in any given circumstance. Specifically, I am reflecting back on my own experience, which makes for a much easier paradigm shift. I can only assume that everyone experiences the passage of time differently, even though it passes no more quickly or slowly for anyone. (OOPS.... gotta finish this later!)

SUGAR HIGH

For the past week or so, I have been struggling with maintaining my blood sugars. As a diabetic, that should be one of my biggest priorities, but I must admit that most of the time it is easy to ignore the disease. It has been called "the silent killer" because as far as diseases go, by the time that you begin to notice the symptoms, it is generally too late. You are already a full blown diabetic. As for me, my diabetes was not discovered until 2000, but I had been noticing symptoms for over a decade. I had seen several doctors during that time, and asked about the discoloration of my legs, the problems sleeping, et cetera, but it was generally dismissed. It was not until I went in demanding that I be tested because my brother made me promise to do so that a doctor took me seriously.

Diabetes comes in many forms, and for the record, it is not limited to human beings. Our cats and dogs also can suffer from the disease. It can be hereditary, but it is not contagious. (I was actually asked that by a child once.)

The two basic forms of Diabetes are broken down into different types. I will simply cut and paste here, because I really have other things I want to write about this morning.

DIABETES INSIPIDUS: This is also called Water Diabetes

Diabetes Insipidus (DI) is a disorder in which there is an abnormal increase in urine output, fluid intake and often thirst. It causes symptoms such as urinary frequency, nocturia (frequent awakening at night to urinate) or enuresis (involuntary urination during sleep or "bedwetting"). Urine output is increased because it is not concentrated normally. Consequently, instead of being a yellow color, the urine is pale, colorless or watery in appearance and the measured concentration (osmolality or specific gravity) is low.

*Diabetes Insipidus is not the same as diabetes mellitus ("sugar" diabetes). Diabetes Insipidus resembles diabetes mellitus because the symptoms of both diseases are increased urination and thirst. However, in every other respect, including the causes and treatment of the disorders, the diseases are completely unrelated. Sometimes diabetes insipidus is referred to as "water" diabetes to distinguish it from the more common diabetes mellitus or "sugar" diabetes.

*Diabetes Insipidus is divided into four types, each of which has a different cause and must be treated differently. The most common type of DI is caused by a lack of vasopressin, a hormone that normally acts upon the kidney to reduce urine output by increasing the concentration of the urine. This type of DI is usually due to the destruction of the back or "posterior" part of the pituitary gland where vasopressin is normally produced. Hence, it is commonly called pituitary DI. It is also known as central or neurogenic DI. The posterior pituitary can be destroyed by a variety of underlying diseases including tumors, infections, head injuries, infiltrations, and various inheritable defects. The latter can be recognized by the onset of the DI in early childhood and a family history of parents, siblings or other relatives with the same disorder. Nearly half the time, however, pituitary DI is "idiopathic" (that is, no cause can be found despite a thorough search including magnetic resonance imaging or MRI of the brain) and the underlying cause(s) is (are) still unknown. Pituitary DI is usually permanent and cannot be cured but the signs and symptoms (i.e. constant thirst, drinking and urination) can be largely or completely eliminated by treatment with various drugs including a modified from of vasopressin known as desmopressin or DDAVP. Because pituitary DI is sometimes associated with abnormalities in other pituitary hormones, tests and sometimes treatments for these other abnormalities are also needed.

*Occasionally, a lack of vasopressin can also develop during pregnancy if the pituitary is slightly damaged and/or the placenta destroys the hormone too rapidly. This second type of vasopressin deficiency is called gestagenic or gestational DI and is also treatable with DDAVP but, in this case, the deficiency and the DI often disappear 4 to 6 weeks after delivery at which time the DDAVP treatment can usually be stopped. Often, however, the signs and symptoms of DI recur with subsequent pregnancies.

*The third type of DI is caused by an inability of the kidneys to respond to the "antidiuretic effect" of normal amounts of vasopressin. This type of DI is usually referred to as nephrogenic DI and can result from a variety of drugs or kidney diseases including heritable genetic defects. It cannot be treated with DDAVP and, depending on the cause, may or may not be curable by eliminating the offending drug or disease. The heritable form, for example, lasts for life and cannot be cured at present. However, there are treatments that can partially relieve the signs and symptoms of nephrogenic DI.

*The fourth form of DI occurs when vasopressin is suppressed by excessive intake of fluids. The latter is usually referred to as primary polydipsia and is most often caused by an abnormality in the part of the brain that regulates thirst. This subtype is called dipsogenic DI and is difficult to differentiate from pituitary DI particularly since the two disorders can result form many of the same brain diseases. The only sure way to tell them apart is to measure vasopressin during a stimulus such as fluid deprivation or to observe the effects of DDAVP treatment. In dipsogenic DI, DDAVP also eliminates the excessive urination but, unlike pituitary DI, it does not completely eliminate the increased thirst and fluid intake. Thus, it also results in water intoxication, a condition associated with symptoms such as headache, loss of appetite, lethargy and nausea and signs such as an abnormally large decrease in the plasma sodium concentration (hyponatremia). Because of this and the current lack of a way to correct the underlying abnormality in thirst, dipsogenic DI cannot be treated at present, although the most troubling symptoms, nocturia, can be safely relieved by taking small doses of DDAVP at bedtime. The other subtype of primary polydipsia is due not to abnormal thirst but to psychosomatic causes and is often referred to as pyschogenic polydipsia. It cannot be treated at present.

QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE

What is considered "excessive" urination? What is considered "excessive thirst?

An adult who urinates more than 50mL/kg body weight per 2 hours is generally considered to have a higher than normal output. Loosely translated, 50mL/kg is about 3.5 quarts per day for a 150-lb. adult. an adult who drinks more than 4 quarts (1 gallon) or approximately 12 glasses (144 oz) of beverages per day would have a higher than normal intake.

Does pituitary diabetes insipidus cause any problems other than increased urination, thirst and drinking? Does it shorten one's life span?

As far as we know, pituitary or nephrogenic DI does not cause any other disabilities or health risks provided there is no interference with the ability to replace the loss fluid. If water intake is impaired - for example, by loss of consciousness or by separation from an abundant supply of drinkable water - there is a very grave risk of severe dehydration that could lead to serious brain damage or even death. Treatment reduces this risk because it reduces the rate of water loss and thereby lengthens the time one can go without drinking. However, it does not eliminate the risk altogether because there is always the possibility that the medication will be lost or run out. For this reason, it is important to always carry an adequate supply of medication and be careful about getting in a situation where a good supply of drinking water is not available - for example ocean sailing or hiking in the mountains or desert.

Dipsogenic DI or pyschogenic polydipsia does not carry the risk of dehydration but may result in serious overhydration (water intoxication) if DDAVP or other drugs such as thiazide diuretics are taken or if certain acute diseases such as influenza develop. Therefore, it is important to know if these disorders are present so that the offending drugs can be avoided or the appropriate tests and countermeasures can be applied as soon as a disease or ailment like influenza develops.

If I have pituitary or nephrogenic DI and the symptoms don't bother me, why should I take treatment?

The principle reason is to reduce the risk of severe dehydration and provide greater freedom to participate in activates in which it is difficult, if not impossible to drink and urinate frequently.

Apart from taking DDAVP or other antidiuretic medication, is there anything else I should do?

Yes, you should wear a MedicAlert bracelet and/or carry a MedicAlert card in your wallet so that if you have a medical emergency even a doctor who does not know you will recognize immediately your need for special treatment.

DIABETES MELLITUS: This is also called Sugar Diabetes

Diabetes is a life-long disease marked by high levels of sugar in the blood. It can be caused by too little insulin (a hormone produced by the pancreas to regulate blood sugar), resistance to insulin, or both.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

To understand diabetes, it is important to first understand the normal process of food metabolism. Several things happen when food is digested:

• A sugar called glucose enters the bloodstream. Glucose is a source of fuel for the body.
• An organ called the pancreas makes insulin. The role of insulin is to move glucose from the bloodstream into muscle, fat, and liver cells, where it can be used as fuel.

People with diabetes have high blood glucose. This is because their pancreas does not make enough insulin or their muscle, fat, and liver cells do not respond to insulin normally, or both.

There are three major types of diabetes:

• Type 1 diabetes is usually diagnosed in childhood. The body makes little or no insulin, and daily injections of insulin are required to sustain life. Without proper daily management, medical emergencies can arise.
• Type 2 diabetes is far more common than type 1 and makes up 90% or more of all cases of diabetes. It usually occurs in adulthood. Here, the pancreas does not make enough insulin to keep blood glucose levels normal, often because the body does not respond well to the insulin. Many people with type 2 diabetes do not know they have it, although it is a serious condition. Type 2 diabetes is becoming more common due to the growing number of older Americans, increasing obesity, and failure to exercise.
• Gestational diabetes is high blood glucose that develops at any time during pregnancy in a person who does not have diabetes.

Diabetes affects about 18 million Americans. There are many risk factors for diabetes, including:

• A parent, brother, or sister with diabetes
• Obesity
• Age greater than 45 years
• Some ethnic groups (particularly African-Americans and Hispanic Americans)
• Gestational diabetes or delivering a baby weighing more than 9 pounds
• High blood pressure
• High blood levels of triglycerides (a type of fat molecule)
• High blood cholesterol level

The American Diabetes Association recommends that all adults be screened for diabetes at least every three years. A person at high risk should be screened more often.

Symptoms

High blood levels of glucose can cause several problems, including frequent urination, excessive thirst, hunger, fatigue, weight loss, and blurry vision. However, because type 2 diabetes develops slowly, some people with high blood sugar experience no symptoms at all.

Symptoms of type 1 diabetes:

• Increased thirst
• Increased urination
• Weight loss in spite of increased appetite
• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Vomiting

Symptoms of type 2 diabetes:

• Increased thirst
• Increased urination
• Increased appetite
• Fatigue
• Blurred vision
• Slow-healing infections
• Impotence in men

Signs and tests

A urine analysis may be used to look for glucose and ketones from the breakdown of fat. However, a urine test alone does not diagnose diabetes. The following blood glucose tests are used to diagnose diabetes:

• Fasting blood glucose level -- diabetes is diagnosed if higher than 126 mg/dL on two occasions. Levels between 100 and 126 mg/dl are referred to as impaired fasting glucose or pre-diabetes. These levels are considered to be risk factors for type 2 diabetes and its complications.
• Random (non-fasting) blood glucose level -- diabetes is suspected if higher than 200 mg/dL and accompanied by the classic symptoms of increased thirst, urination, and fatigue. (This test must be confirmed with a fasting blood glucose test.)
• Oral glucose tolerance test -- diabetes is diagnosed if glucose level is higher than 200 mg/dL after 2 hours (This test is used more for type 2 diabetes.)

Patients with type 1 diabetes usually develop symptoms over a short period of time, and the condition is often diagnosed in an emergency setting. In addition to having high glucose levels, acutely ill type 1 diabetics have high levels of ketones.

Ketones are produced by the breakdown of fat and muscle, and they are toxic at high levels. Ketones in the blood cause a condition called "acidosis" (low blood pH). Urine testing detects both glucose and ketones in the urine. Blood glucose levels are also high.

Treatment

There is no cure for diabetes. The immediate goals are to stabilize your blood sugar and eliminate the symptoms of high blood sugar. The long-term goals of treatment are to prolong life, relieve symptoms, and prevent long-term complications such as heart disease and kidney failure.

LEARN THESE SKILLS

Basic diabetes management skills will help prevent the need for emergency care. These skills include:

• How to recognize and treat low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) and high blood sugar (hyperglycemia)
• What to eat and when
• How to take insulin or oral medication
• How to test and record blood glucose
• How to test urine for ketones (type 1 diabetes only)
• How to adjust insulin and/or food intake when changing exercise and eating habits
• How to handle sick days
• Where to buy diabetes supplies and how to store them

After you learn the basics of diabetes care, learn how the disease can cause long-term health problems and the best ways to prevent these problems. People with diabetes need to review and update their knowledge, because new research and improved ways to treat diabetes are constantly being developed.

WHAT TO EAT

You should work closely with your health care provider to learn how much fat, protein, and carbohydrates you need in your diet. Your specific meal plans need to be tailored to your food habits and preferences. People with type 1 diabetes should eat at about the same times each day and try to be consistent with the types of food they choose. This helps to prevent blood sugars from becoming extremely high or low. Type 2 diabetics should follow a well-balanced and low-fat diet.

A registered dietician can be very helpful in planning dietary needs.

Weight management is important to achieving control of diabetes. Some people with type 2 diabetes can stop medications after losing excess weight, although the diabetes is still present.

HOW TO TAKE INSULIN OR ORAL MEDICATION

Medications to treat diabetes include insulin and glucose-lowering pills, called oral hypoglycemic agents. The bodies of people with type 1 diabetes cannot make their own insulin, so daily insulin injections are required. The bodies of people with type 2 diabetes make insulin but cannot use it effectively.

Insulin is not available in oral form. It is delivered by injections that are generally required one to four times per day. Some people use an insulin pump, which is worn at all times and delivers a steady flow of insulin throughout the day.

Insulin preparations differ in how quickly they start to work and how long they remain active. Sometimes different types of insulin are mixed together in a single injection. The types of insulin to use, the doses required, and the number of daily injections are chosen by a health care professional trained to provide diabetes care.

People who need insulin are taught to give themselves injections by their health care providers or diabetes educators.

Unlike type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes may respond to treatment with exercise, diet, and/or oral medications. There are several oral hypoglycemic agents that lower blood glucose in type 2 diabetes. They fall into one of three groups:

• Medications that increase insulin production by the pancreas. These include Amaryl, Glucotrol, and Glucotrol XL, Micronase, Diabeta, Glynase, Prandin, and Starlix.
• Medications that increase sensitivity to insulin. These include Glucophage, Avandia, and Actos.
• Medications that delay absorption of glucose from the gut. These include Precose and Glyset.

Most type 2 diabetics will require more than one medication for good blood sugar control within three years of starting their first medication. Different groups of oral medications may be combined, or insulin and oral medications may be used together.

Some people with type 2 diabetes find they no longer need medication if they lose weight and increase activity, because when their ideal weight is reached, their own insulin and a careful diet can control their blood glucose levels.

Oral hypoglycemic agents are not known to be safe for use in pregnancy; women who have type 2 diabetes and take these medications may be switched to insulin during pregnancy and while breast-feeding.

Gestational diabetes is treated with diet and insulin.

SELF-TESTING

Self-monitoring of blood glucose is done by checking the glucose content of a drop of blood. Regular testing tells you how well diet, medication, and exercise are working together to control your diabetes.

The results of the test can be used to adjust meals, activity, or medications to keep blood sugar levels in an appropriate range. Testing provides valuable information for the health care provider and identifies high and low blood sugar levels before serious problems develop.

The American Diabetes Association recommends that premeal blood sugar levels fall in the range of 80 to 120 mg/dL and bedtime blood levels fall in the range of 100 to 140 mg/dL. Your doctor may adjust this depending on your circumstances.

You should also ask your doctor how often to check your hemoglobin A1c (HbA1c) level. The HbA1c is a measure of average blood glucose during the previous two to three months. It is a very helpful way to monitor a patient's overall response to diabetes treatment over time. A person without diabetes has an HbA1c around 5%. People with diabetes should try to keep it below 7%.

Ketone testing is another test that is used in type 1 diabetes. Ketones build up in the blood when there is not enough insulin in people with type 1 diabetes, eventually "spilling over" into the urine. The ketone test is done on a urine sample. High levels of blood ketones may result in a serious condition called ketoacidosis. Ketone testing is usually done at the following times:

• When the blood sugar is higher than 240 mg/dL
• During acute illness (for example, pneumonia, heart attack, or stroke)
• When nausea or vomiting occur
• During pregnancy

EXERCISE

Regular exercise is especially important for people with diabetes. It helps with blood sugar control, weight loss, and high blood pressure. People with diabetes who exercise are less likely to experience a heart attack or stroke than diabetics who do not exercise regularly. You should be evaluated by your physician before starting an exercise program.

Here are some exercise considerations:

• Choose an enjoyable physical activity that is appropriate for your current fitness level.
• Exercise every day, and at the same time of day, if possible.
• Monitor blood glucose levels before and after exercise.
• Carry food that contains a fast-acting carbohydrate in case you become hypoglycemic during or after exercise.
• Carry a diabetes identification card and a mobile phone or change for a payphone in case of emergency.
• Drink extra fluids that do not contain sugar before, during, and after exercise.

Changes in exercise intensity or duration may require changes in diet or medication dose to keep blood sugar levels from going too high or low.

FOOT CARE

People with diabetes are prone to foot problems because of the likelihood of damage to blood vessels and nerves and a decreased ability to fight infection. Problems with blood flow and damage to nerves may cause an injury to the foot to go unnoticed until infection develops. Death of skin and other tissue can occur.

If left untreated, the affected foot may need to be amputated. Diabetes is the most common condition leading to amputations.

To prevent injury to the feet, people with diabetes should adopt a daily routine of checking and caring for the feet as follows:

• Check your feet every day, and report sores or changes and signs of infection.
• Wash your feet every day with lukewarm water and mild soap, and dry them thoroughly.
• Soften dry skin with lotion or petroleum jelly.
• Protect feet with comfortable, well-fitting shoes.
• Exercise daily to promote good circulation.
• See a podiatrist for foot problems or to have corns or calluses removed.
• Remove shoes and socks during a visit to your health care provider and remind him or her to examine your feet.
• Stop smoking, which hinders blood flow to the feet.

Expectations (prognosis)

The risks of long-term complications from diabetes can be reduced.

The Diabetes Control and Complications Trial (DCCT) studied the effects of tight blood sugar control on complications in type 1 diabetes. Patients treated for tight blood glucose control had an average HbA1c of approximately 7%, while patients treated less aggressively had an average HbA1c of about 9%. At the end of the study, the tight blood glucose group had dramatically fewer cases of kidney disease, eye disease, and nervous system disease than the less-aggressively treated patients.

In the United Kingdom Prospective Diabetes Study (UKPDS), researchers followed nearly 4,000 people with type 2 diabetes for 10 years. The study monitored how tight control of blood glucose (HbA1c of 7% or less) and blood pressure (less than 144 over less than 82) could protect a person from the long-term complications of diabetes.

This study found dramatically lower rates of kidney, eye, and nervous system complications in patients with tight control of blood glucose. In addition, there was a significant drop in all diabetes-related deaths, including lower risks of heart attack and stroke. Tight control of blood pressure was also found to lower the risks of heart disease and stroke.

The results of the DCCT and the UKPDS dramatically demonstrate that good blood glucose and blood pressure control, many of the complications of diabetes can be prevented.

Complications

Emergency complications include diabetic hyperglycemic hyperosmolar coma.

Long-term complications include:

• Diabetic retinopathy
• Diabetic nephropathy
• Diabetic neuropathy
• Peripheral vascular disease
• Hyperlipidemia, hypertension, atherosclerosis, and coronary artery disease

Calling your health care provider

Go to the emergency room or call the local emergency number (such as 911) if symptoms of ketoacidosis occur:

• Increased thirst and urination
• Nausea
• Deep and rapid breathing
• Abdominal pain
• Sweet-smelling breath
• Loss of consciousness

Go to the emergency room or call the local emergency number if symptoms of extremely low blood sugar (hypoglycemic coma or severe insulin reaction) occur:

• Weakness
• Drowsiness
• Headache
• Confusion
• Dizziness
• Double vision
• Lack of coordination
• Convulsions or unconsciousness

Prevention

Maintaining an ideal body weight and an active lifestyle may prevent the onset of type 2 diabetes. Currently there is no way to prevent type 1 diabetes.