I quit.

I started smoking nearly 25 years ago, in part thinking it would make me look older. We have all seen the ads showing a persons face deteriorating with the use of tobacco. The ad had a woman talking about how she started smoking to look older, and with the final image showing a woman looking like a graying shriveled up old fig, she laments that she got her wish. I have looked, but been unable to find an image online. There are plenty of others though, but I really haven't the time for it today. Besides, it is a moot point.

I have sworn off cigarettes numerous times, threatened to quit when they hit $2 a pack, watched my mom, aunt, and brother die of smoking related illness, my own father dying at 43 years old of a massive heart attack. I myself have had several heart attacks, and triple bypass surgery, yet still I smoked. I have control issues, and hate feeling out of control. I can not afford my medications, so how can I justify spending money on cigarettes? Enough is enough. Time for me to take back control of my life. Time for me to take back my life before it is too late. I quit.

EMPTY SPACES

I am starting to feel kind of alone over here. I do not know if anyone is reading me anymore. I had a couple readers, and have gotten to know them a bit over time, and they are probably the best things that have come out of my blogging experience. I see they still post, but cannot tell if they still visit my pages. It is my own fault for not keeping my blog up to date, It is my own fault for not acknowledging them enough. It is my own fault for opening my big yap, and for hurting their feelings by trying to be funny. I do not know what if any of these reasons are true, but it does feel like they do not come to call anymore. I miss them.

Nowadays, I am realizing that I have a need... a need for people in my life. The internet provides me with a great deal of social interaction, something I am beginning to feel like I require. Especially now that my blog is changing, and so am I. I have begun tweeting, and maybe eventually someone will subscribe to one of my blogs, or to my tweet feed. I need feedback, I want feedback. I am wondering how I am doing, what people think of the change. It is a work in progress, just like me. I change more and more each day. Fading away like a chalk drawing on the pavement, the old man I used to be is nearly gone. The new guy in in his place is a pretty decent fellow, but I am still afraid the old guy may come back eventually. That is not what I want. SO, if you do read, or are a reader, please subscribe or let me know you visited. Thanks a lot.

LOOK MA! I TWEETED!

I have figured out a site that enables my Cricket phone to work with Twitter, and with blogger, and several other services. Check it out here: http://ping.fm/

So bearing that in mind, I am now able to tweet. My room mate tells me I tweet enough already.I really do not know what if any purpose this will serve, but it will enable me to micro blog from a hospital bed if necessary. I have decided to separate it from my main blog because it will be more effective for me. I do not expect my tweets to be very profound or anything. I mean, how groundbreaking can one be at 150 characters at a time?

You can locate a link to my tweeter blog at the top right of the front page of my blog, or you can find it here. http://thetweetarchive.blogspot.com/

AWAKE AGAIN

Like so many other nights before this, I was unable to sleep last night. It was not so much that I had a lot on my mind, though that was part of the reason. Like aspects of my life, I have been somewhat dissatisfied with aspects of my blog. Perhaps, like my life, it was lacking in flavor. There was nothing unique or special about it. Perhaps I should assert that it really is the blog I am talking about, not my life. Or is it?

In any case, after some searching for an appropriate image for my new header, and a little time in Photoshop making it more or less what I wanted, and with a few clicks of the mouse, my blog appears as it does now, with a slightly different layout, and a new color scheme. I like it. Though, I am starting to think that I need to address several key things about my blog. It no longer really meets my needs. I have been growing and changing, for some time now, and the blog needs to reflect that change by undergoing some change itself.

In the coming days, weeks, and months, I will be making some decisions about what I want out of my life, and out of my blog. In both, there will be some changes. Mostly little ones, subtle ones. But I suspect there may be one or two fundamental shifts in my blog. Though more or less still in the planning stage, I want to reorganize it, consolidate it with other writings I have on the web. I want to go back and tweak a few paragraphs, and perhaps delete others. My blog will need to reflect my life as it is now, and as I change things in my life, I want to change the blog.

As of this writing, I realize that my blog reflects one major concern in my life. It has no cohesive direction. Here, of course, I am referring to my life. I write about my experience. I joke about things that may or may not be appropriate. I use coarse language at times. How I present myself in my writing affects how people see me as a person, and it is becoming important to me that I present myself in a manner that reflects my evolving belief system. I am painfully aware that there comes a day when I will no longer be able to post to my blog. One day, my ramblings will cease altogether. What happens when I am no longer able to write? What I have written will need to stand on its own. It is my fervent hope that at some point in the future someone will run across my blog and will read it. Something I have written will catch their attention, and hopefully will have a positive impact on them. I am not sure exactly where this will lead me. I do however hope that I can increase my readership to a broader audience, while maintaining the relationships I have already built online. I do not expect to ever make money with my blog, but I am not opposed to the idea if I can find things of interest to write about.

I am reminded of my very first public blog where I did not really know what I wanted to write about, and had in mind only a limited direction to follow (which you can find HERE). So much has changed since then. I have been online for a lot of years, and this blog as it currently sits only reflects about a decade. If I ever get around to it, I need to finish and post a number of drafts and private entries. I have started keeping a notebook where I jot down ideas for future entries. It is my hope that in my blog as in my life, I can start to hold myself to a higher standard.

I still welcome any and all comments. Any ideas on my blog, any suggestions, please, By all means let me know. To those who read this thing (even though I have no followers, darn it!) I want to thank you for your continued support.

MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

I want to write this morning. The problem is, I do not know what I want to write about. I have so much on my mind that I cannot sleep. That is fairly normal for me. There are times when I have so much on my plate that things get jumbled in my mind, and no matter how hard I try I can't make the mental break from these things so that I can get rest. Tonight is such a night.

I am thinking about a friend I have not seen in several years. I do not know where he is right now, and I would love dearly to talk to him again. I did find his son online, and tonight was able to send an email to him in the hopes that he might relay the information to his dad. Meanwhile, I have found a recording of him online. He speaks publicly, and so there are some recordings of him here and there. It is nice to be able to hear his voice even though I cannot see him.

There are a number of people I have lost contact with over the years, and it pains me having lost them. Even recently, I had been thinking about calling an old friend who I had likewise lost contact with. But, before I could contact him, I learned of his death only the week before. I had waited too long, and would never get the closure I sought. I missed out on having closure with several people. I was not there when my mother died, I was not there when my father died, and there will be countless other people I will never get to tell how important they are to me.

Lost opportunities. We cannot go back, and we cannot change things if we wait too long. It is important that we tell people that they matter to us. We may never get another opportunity.

THE ESSENTIAL HURTING OF LOVE

First of all, as I logged in to write this post, I have an app on my blog that randomly displays quotes. This quote stood out, this quote seemed directed right at me.

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"
Anonymous

I have not been writing in my blog as often as I perhaps should. I have been rather distracted by my personal life. In typical form, I have been over-thinking and over-analyzing things. I have come to a point where I feel pretty good about things in general, and like the man I am becoming. I see the change, other people observe the change, ergo, I must be changing. Change does not come easy for me, and I realize today the need for yet another change. At least in regards to my relationships. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.

I just learned how to truly communicate honestly, openly, and unabashedly about my feelings. "My Feelings..." I guess it is is a little selfish of me to think it important to be able to communicate how I feel. The thing is, much of my life I was counseled to "let go of my feelings" to "quit holding them in", to just "say how I feel", and to "allow people in". At one point, I was standoffish and reclusive, shy and timid to the point of letting people walk all over me while I allowed all my hurts, pains, and frustrations to fester into anger.

Pretty cool, huh? A former "anger junkie" comes clean. Well... you know what I have to say about that? Poop. Nothing more, nothing less, just Poop. I do not want to think of myself as an anger junkie. I don't. Who would? I do not waste my time with drugs, why would I waste my time with anger? Good question. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and in this remarkable period of clarity I have been experiencing, I have been coming up with at least some startling answers. I have also come up with a couple more equally troubling questions.

Observation number 1.

If it is as they say, "Time is money" why is time so valuable? Of all the resources we have, time is the most valuable. It is the only resource that is not replenishable. Each one of us knows that our time is limited. In each of our lifetimes, we only have a given amount of time, the exact length and duration of which being unknown, but the finality looms inevitably in the distance. Death is tangible. We only have one shot through this thing we call life, and there are no second chances. When our time is gone, it is gone.

Observation number 2.

The value of love. Love is another resource we can never have too much of. But it is replenishable. We can always choose to love, whether or not we are loved in return. I have learned that there is an immutable truth about love. We have all heard it said that "it takes money to make money", and "In order to have a friend, one must first be a friend." This rule can be applied across the board about most everything.

• In order to have trust, One must first trust.
• In order to have love, one must first love.
• In order to .... fill in the blank. (Ad infinitum, ad nauseaum)

Observation number 3.

It is always worth it, to take the chance on love. Things may not work out. You may get hurt (you probably will). You may be disappointed. But... in my opinion, for the hope of love, it is worth it always. It is your choice. You can try to hide your head in the sand hoping not to get hurt, and end up looking as silly as an ostritch. OR... you can take a chance, put yourself on the line, and risk getting hurt... in the hopes of love. I choose the latter.

Okay, so obviously I have some free time on my hands right now to consider these things. Where did this time come from? I am no longer living with my girlfriend. According to her, she has not been my girlfriend since Valentines Day. Okay, it is not that she did not make herself clear in February. She made herself quite clear. However, I did not give up. I continued to talk to her, profess my love to her, try to talk to her, and even though it has been difficult at times, I have continued to love her anyway. A choice I have made before, and likely will make again in order to maintain my sanity. It occurs to me now that In this area I have been having controlling behaviors, and as such, I need to address this area in my life and elicit a change, because these behaviors are not acceptable to me. I had not realized it before now, and therefore, it is good that I wrote about this today.

Observation number 4.

Everything in life is transitory. Everything can be lost or taken away. But, when you give away love, that cannot be taken from you. ~ME~

I have learned through my experience that even love can be transitory. A person can rescind their love. When my wife left me for the last time, and as she drove away, I hoped and strained to see if she would look back, or even glance back in the mirror. She did neither. As my last hope faded that I could save the relationship, I realized that even if she no longer loved me, I could still love her. As I write that now, I realize how pathetic that sounds. I was pathetic. Maybe I still am. But, I am changing, and that moment was crucial to the beginning of that change.

Life went on. It always does. Two years passed before I saw my wife again. In the few seconds it took the Judge to sign the papers, our 12 year marriage ended. It was then that I realized that she was still angry at me. But I still held feelings for her, and even the divorce could not take those feelings away. Who was I fooling? Another two years have passed since the divorce was final, and I have moved on again. But some pretty remarkable changes have occured in my life in those two years. I fell in love again with another woman, and I thought she was "The One". This is the woman and the relationship I am struggling with now.

However, during the last two years I have taken a class that has changed the way I see things, and has helped me to change the way I respond to people. It is because of that class that I now realize that even though I am no longer angry and abusive, I still struggle with control issues. I really thought I was doing much better in that regard, but with this realization comes the determination to change my behavior. I really am glad for that class now. I cannot believe I am saying that considering how resistant I was to being in that class in the first place. But I am realizing that with the ending of that class, came the beginning of a new life for me. I realize that I can even now benefit from returning to those classes. I am sure that Brad will be pleased that I am still benefitting from his class.

Anyway, as a man I have been conditioned from childhood to believe that feelings are a sign of weakness. Growing up, men are (or at least used to be) misinformed that it is not okay for a man to cry. We are drilled with the mistaken belief pattern that we are supposed to be in charge, in control. We are given many adages to fuel this misconception. "A man's home is his castle" is but one such adage. It is little wonder that the county courts are filled to the brim with domestic violence cases, with divorce cases, and with restraining orders. The "sins of the father" are often visited upon the son, and are often repeated from generation to generation. At some point a man must stand up and say "No More!" How long must violence be a generational curse? It is not that we do not know any better, but old habits are hard to break. We see our fathers and the men in our young lives acting a certain way, and our impressionable young minds believe that is the way we treat people. Anger is something that is also learned. If we are not given the tools we need to handle conflict early on, the conflict may become a way of life. Then, all of these things, the anger, the abuse, and the violence must be unlearned. Changing a behavior once established is difficult, especially when it is entrenched within our identities and our belief systems.

Looking back at the change in my life, I wonder how I made it as far as I did without getting in trouble with the law. I wonder how these attitudes and behaviors, now abhorrent to me, were once something I accepted, and expected my wife and girlfriends to accept. The hard part is that the reality of the situation is that women who were abused as children, often subconsciously seek out abusers as prospective mates, and again the cycle of abuse continues. Why is it that we gravitate towards each other? What invisible force draws us to each other? My experience, and discussions I have had only substantiate this belief. I have heard women question "Why they are drawn to "bad boys" or controlling men over and over again?"

The responsibility to change rests not only on the men in these relationships, but also the women. I am sorry, but in every relationship it takes two. One person cannot fight alone, and they cannot change alone. Both people must set a standard of what is and is not acceptable behavior in their relationship. Whether it is simply a rule to fight fair, or an understanding that when all else fails, one or both of the people needs to have a way of disengaging before it escalates out of control. Even the Bible instructs us not to let the sun set on our anger. I have learned that it is never acceptable to abuse or control another person in a relationship.

Life is a process, and throughout our lives, change is a constant. It happens whether or not we want it to. Things change, circumstances change, times change, relationships change, and in order to keep up, we ourselves must change as well. I only hope that one day I find someone who appreciates the amount of effort, the amount of heartbreak, and the amount of love it has taken for me to make these changes in myself, and what it takes for me to continue changing my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. As in any addictive behavior, it requires a great deal of determination, support, and prayers to be successful.

FAMILY TIES: By Blood, and By Choice

Most of my life I have had people tell me how talented, how gifted, how good looking, how intelligent, how loving, or simply how good I was. My step father being the exception, of course, spent about nine years tearing me down. Funny... actually, not so funny, when it is all said and done, it is his words that ring in my head the most, telling me what a worthless piece of shit I am. Only problem is that some years ago I realized that it was not his voice I heard anymore, but my own voice instead. Stuff like that has a tendency to stick with a person whether or not they want it to. All the praise I heard my whole life was negated by the words of one angry and bitter old man. Much of my adult life has been spent on the path towards the same sort of anger and bitterness he showed toward me. Thankfully, I had a wake-up call, and chose another path.

I wrote a blog earlier that I wanted to share with my sister, but when she became available, I was on my way out the door. So I sent her the link to my blog here. Apparently she read the whole thing in my absence. It must have moved her, because this is what she wrote to me in Yahoo Messenger.

"I read the entire blog, watched the video,the poem,and you know that I have always loved your photography and your poetry so this will not be news to you, and I still do love it. Having said that I want you to realize how talented you are, ok? This one time in your life pay attention to what I am saying to you Jeffery!!!"

She continues, "Just this once try your best to understand what I am saying to you , Please? You are a good man, that good man has been inside you for your whole life,struggling to get out. I, for one, am glad that he has finally fought his way out. You have made it very difficult, but the nice Jeffery , not many people have not been allowed to see has finally made himself known . Please give him some room to live, I like him a lot and others will too!!! That man that BobbiJo figured out some 25 years ago is really a very nice man and we both care deeply for him."

I guess you would have to know us, bad luck for you, to understand the dynamics of hers and my relationship. Since I was a little boy, she has been there, usually throwing shit at me. She has a tremendous heart, and a giving nature. But, like many people, she has been hurt too, a lot, and not too many people get in far enough to see past the pseudo-Donna who can be (when the notion hits her) a bit of a ... ahem... dare I say, "Bitch"? (I can hear her already saying, "You say that like it's a bad thing!") The Pseudo-Donna is tough, mean, and ain't gonna take no shit from anyone. The Pseudo-Donna has been hurt, has had enough speed bumps in her life to make the ride memorable. The Pseudo-Donna is apt to put on a leather jacket, stiletto heels (to make her look 6'-5") and grab a bat and a gun if necessary on her way out the door to put out yet another fire somewhere, or to kick some serious butt. (I pity the fool.) The Pseudo Donna is only one aspect of the woman I call sister. The other aspect is a pain in the butt too. LOL I know she will read this, so that last was just me baiting her. I thrive on giving her a ration of crap. I have been doing it for years, and see no reason to stop. I have toned it down a little, but not much.

Now, the real Donna, Momma Donna to most of the graduating classes of 2000 and 2001, is still a little rough around the edges. Life was not easy for her, and her parents were not always there for her, in fact rarely were they. As a result, she put out a tremendous effort to be sure the kid had absolutely no doubt that she would do anything for her... ANYTHING. The kid was number one in Donna's life. (Still is, in fact, or perhaps a close second behind the new grandbaby!) The real Donna will make sure you have a full belly. She will make sure you are warm and dry. The Real Donna, only known to a very select few, wears her heart on her sleeve. She will give you shit, and/or throw things at you if she feels you deserve it. But, like so many kids before me, and countless after, the real Donna was always there for you. This is part of why my mother adopted Donna as her own. as far as Mom was concerned, Donna was her daughter. Over time, it was so much easier to give up on the explanation. She is, as far as I am concerned, or anyone else is concerned, my sister. Most people now aren't aware of the truth of the matter. We are not blood relatives. In this case that is good, because with few exceptions, neither one of us care for our blood relatives. But... fortunately for me, family is not defined by how many common genes are shared. Family is defined by the heart.

I really should make it a point someday to thank her for being one of the few constants in my life, for being there to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, or to just be the target of my abuse. I cannot think of many brothers and sisters who are any closer than Donna and I, and it means a lot to hear her praise me so highly, because, like most family, she has seen me at both my best and my worst, but loves me anyway.

Truthfully speaking

For the last couple years I have been finding that I am growing intolerant of some things in my life. I am finding that I do not have room in my life for dishonesty for example. I haven't the patience to dink around with wasting words when it comes to expressing my feelings. I am also finding that as I move further away from the angry man I used to be, I am by far more direct and honest than I have ever been. Communication and honesty are at the top of my list of importance in my relationships. I have learned that respect and trust may be more important than love. You can't really have love without trust and respect.

This is a painful realization for me, because in the past 6 months especially, since I moved out of my girlfriend's house, I have had the opportunity to observe the change in her behavior, and how she treats me, and also, more importantly, the change in how I respond to the feelings I have. I am more vocal than I have ever been, telling everyone point blank what and how I am feeling, and if I were to choose one word to describe what this has done for me, that word would be "Freedom". The more direct and honest I am, the more free I feel. I believe that this change in the way I handle things has resulted in a reduction in my blood pressure, my stress level, and my overall happiness.

A couple years ago, I still did not have the tools necessary to handle stress. I would become frustrated because I had feelings I was not able to articulate. My frustration would lead to anger, and then violence. Unable to express my feelings verbally, I expressed them behaviorally. This is not something I am proud of, however, having had the opportunity to look closely at my behavior, and my life in general, I am so very thankful for the transformation in my life. That is not to say that my life is where I want it to be, but I am a lot more accepting of the things I am not able to change. Yep! I am a freakin' walking serenity prayer.

Anyway, for the past several months I have been feeling a more and more urgent need to tell her how I am feeling, but have been unable to do so. In part, I have been afraid to talk to her about these feelings, because I do not want to hurt her feelings. But let's face it, that is not fair to either of us. I also feel like she has been using different controlling behaviors to avoid the discussion that would define our relationship. This is how I feel, but in all fairness, I am biased. I am not seeing both sides, only mine, so this is certainly a unilateral narrative. But, I feel that for the past several months she has been giving me just enough of what I need to keep me hanging on. She has been telling me that she loves me. She occasionally calls me "her guy" which I love hearing. She Texts me telling me that she loves me and misses me. She does little things that show me she cares. But.... at the same time, she is actively looking for other men online. She has dated several, and there are times when I feel she is being evasive and dishonest to me.

Maybe she does not want to hurt my feelings, but I feel like she is rebelling right now. She was in a marriage for 16 years, and has a 9 year old son. The marriage was not healthy, and ended badly, and her ex is a total jerk. I understand that she needs time to get over the divorce, I understand that she is finding herself free for the first time... well, ever. But we had been in a relationship. I wanted to marry her. The problem is that she has hurt me, and has done enough, let me down enough, pushed me away enough that I have lost the trust and respect I once had for her. Don't get me wrong, I still have trust and respect for her, but not in all areas. I do not believe her when she tells me we will get together. I do not believe her when she promises to be somewhere at a given time. I do not know if she has been sleeping with these men she has dated, and I do not think I want to know. I am already jealous, and distrustful.

What I want, what I need, what I expect in a relationship, is honesty. I want your yes to be yes, and your no to be no. I want you to show up in a timely manner when you say you will. I want you to communicate with me when things come up. I do not want to be sitting or standing around all day waiting for you to show up. I want you to tell me that I am important to you. I need you to not only tell me that you love me, but I need you to prove it. If I am your boyfriend, then aside from God and your son, I want to be first in your life. I do not want to feel like I am always taking a backseat to everyone. I hate feeling like I am your standby. I need to feel important to you. I need to be able to talk to you, to communicate. I cannot sit on these feelings indefinitely. I have been through a lot learning how to control my anger, and it is very important to me to be able to no longer stuff my emotions. I have no room for anger in my life anymore.

... oops! Kinda slipped into the first person there... but you get the point. I need to know where I stand, I want and deserve the truth. I am capable of great love, and I feel so much love... the man I am now is by far a better man than I have ever been. I am even willing to wait... but these issues need to be addressed. If not now, then later. I am not going to change this honesty and directness. Sorry. I like who I am. For the first time in my life I can say that. I like being 40 something. Even though there are things I need to change in my life, my life is good. I just wish I did not feel like I were traveling though it alone. I want and need someone to share it with. I have so much love to give, it just does not feel right not having to spend so much of it alone in front of this computer. But, for now, I have my health to focus on, and with summer coming, I hope to ride my bike a lot more.

Maybe I don't have time for a girlfriend after all.

MIA usually an attitude problem. Sorry. My Bad.

I was again reminded today of the fact I have not written in my blog in quite some time. I would like to say that I have been busy, but the truth is, no more so than normal. But still, something has been keeping me from writing. I have not been too busy. I have no life to speak of, so too busy is not accurate. I have plenty of time to write a few lines in either of my blogs. Yet I haven't. I would like people to assume I have a life, but whether or not I write in a blog will likely have little bearing on the outcome. The people online may incorrectly assume I am busy, therefore I have a life. The people I know in real life, who do not read this blog, but if they did, they would , knowing me already, correctly say I have no life. The fact is, I have a boring life, and it is unlikely that blogging or not blogging is going to fill whatever hole in my life I am trying to fill.

It strikes me that the reader here might find solace in the things that are not written.

If I am not writing in my blog regularly, several things are likely true.

I am doing okay. I am neither excelling at anything, nor am I in the abject pits of dispair.

I may actually be busy, but the previous observation would also hold true.

The status quo is maintained.


It is also possible that in my blogs, as in my life, when things are troubling me and I do not want to talk about it, I won't. I have a tendency when things are not going as well as I would like in my life, I pull away from friends and family, and away from the things I like to do. I will close my door, my window sometimes, and curl up under blankets trying to "sleep off" whatever is bothering me. So, perhaps if I am not writing, a reader may assume that I am just working things out and trying to gain a new, or at least different perspective.

In this most recent absence from my blogs, I think a little of each situation applies here.

I am well, well enough anyway, there are things bothering me, specifically my financial situation, my living arrangement, and my current on again, off again relationship. These things weigh heavily on me, and while I may want to write, actually sitting down to do it is difficult. Some things it seems are still a little difficult to talk about. Bottom line for now, Don't worry. I have not forgotten you. I am just very distracted right now. Just knowing you care is all I need, and if you need me to tell me that you are still important to me, whether I write or not in my blog, just email me directly and let me know. I can't hide from my email as well as I can hide from my blog. I will definitely reply.

Anyway, I do have a couple things of note to write about. My sis and I just hopped on the Max, a first for both of us, to go see my nephew. Another relative first... and even though we were a little nervous at first, we are glad we went, and we did have a good time. I am posting a few pics here.


The other thing that seems a little important.... Well, I am excited about it. Waterfront Blues Festival, July 4th Weekend. Portland, Oregon. Etta James and Johnny Winter are among the acts playing. I am SO going to that concert. For $10 and a two can donation to the Oregon FoodBank? I am so already there!

OLD CITY CEMETERY

I took a walk today down the hill from my house to the old City Cemetery. It was a nice day, and I thought I should take a few snapshots.

Detail of A Woodman of the World Headstone

This little headstone made me sad.

These Headstones are losing ground to this tree

which appears to have pushed them aside as it grew.

Many stones like this one were very simple.
Only a name, without a date.

Some said merely "HUSBAND",
"MOTHER", "SON", or "DAUGHTER".

Except for this bird, I was the

only visitor to the graveyard today.

I wonder if this man is still remembered 113 years later.

I marveled at how well this headstone has weathered
the years compared to other stones in this graveyard.

Like this headstone, broken and weathered over time,

or perhaps vandalized. The stone remains, but for the casual observer,
it is impossible to know anything about the person buried here.

This stone has not weathered too well.

Much of the carving has been lost to the elements.

ON BEING A GRANDFATHER

A year ago, had you told me I would be a grandfather, I would have probably disbelieved you. Last year, had you told me that I would relish the role, I would have thought you had been drinking... a lot. A month ago, had you told me I might actually be good in the role of GrandPa, I would have been absolutely certain you were on crack.

Life is funny. I have not got a clue how change occurs. It just seems that one day you look back and realize that your life no longer even resembles the life you once knew. It somewhat freaks me out when I reflect on my life and see myself acting differently than I ever have. I think differently, I act differently, and across the board, I feel differently. Once in a while, the old Jeffery pokes his head out, and I am stunned. Especially when I remember what an asshole he used to be.

Years ago, when I first got married, I was not able to loosen up enough around people, especially children, to be able to just be myself. I have no idea now what my dysfunction was, but whatever it was it really screwed up my relationships. I was emotionally unavailable to my wife, my stepson, my friends, and my family. While I always held something back in my relationships, generally a defensive thing, so as not to allow people to get close enough to hurt me, I never realized that I was holding back the good stuff as well. The things that make me special and unique, the parts of me that are loving, caring, compassionate, and tender were seldom seen. What was I thinking? Why did I see these things as weaknesses, or character flaws? In my quest to keep from being hurt again in my life, I distanced myself emotionally from everyone who mattered to me, and in the end, the person that did hurt me was myself. I hurt myself in ways I never thought possible, the whole while unaware, and miserable.

Children have always gravitated toward me, as have animals. Often dogs and cats that will approach no one else will approach me. I assume that children and animals are more perceptive to such things, and saw me for the man I was inside, the man I was trying to hide. I have always been terrified of children. I like them fine, I enjoy watching them play, and I appreciate their inherent candor. They call things as they see them. But I never really knew how to be a child, let alone how to act around them. As such, I really failed as a step father. My moodiness, my anger, and my fear paralyzed me. It was not that I did not care or that I did not love my step son, but I was not effectively able to communicate that to him. Thankfully he grew up to realize that in spite of my myriad flaws, I did care about him, and in turn, he still loves and accepts me as his stepfather, and seems to want me as a part of his life. In a phrase, "How Cool is that?"

So, even though my medical conditions apparantly prevent me from having kids of my own, (Knock on Wood) I still get to be a grandfather because like me, my stepson married into "insta-family"; His beautiful bride having a five year old daughter from another relationship. I am a lucky man. I never thought I would be a father, or a grandfather, and I thought I would pretty much die alone. It is becoming apparant to me as I get older that I likely will not die alone because somewhere along the line, I made a difference. I have an ex wife, a step son, a new daughter in law a grand daughter, several friends a handful of nieces a new grand nephew, a couple nephews, a brother and his family..... all of whom I matter to. Of course, I have a couple other nephews and nieces and some half sisters who may not ever know I was gone, but on the whole, I am starting to realize that whether or not I meant to, whether or not I tried, my life impacted others around me. I did make a difference.

I am not an old man, but I am growing a perspective of a man who is much older than my chronological age might suggest. I am aware that a large part of the reason for this is precicely because I have been through so much, because my health has been so bad, because I am aware that I may not have as many trips around the sun as I would like remaining to me. But, don't worry, I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. I just find it odd that I am no longer afraid of death like I used to be. When I was a lot younger the very idea of dying terrified me. But now that I am older and having faced death personally a couple times, I realize it is not something I need to fear. It is just a part of life.

But, all this raises questions in my mind, the most prominent of which is one I ask myself a lot; "Whatchugonnadoboutitasshole?"

The simple answer is "I don't know". What I do know is that I can look forward to a life unlike the life I once knew. The writing, as it were, is on the wall. These changes that have been happening in my life for the past five years have really caused me to look at things in a completely different way, and as I said at the beginning of this blog, I no longer feel, think, or act like I used to. No one is more surprised by this than me.

However, yesterday, when GrandPa Jeff walked into his son's home and handed GrandDaughter Macaylah a pretty new doll (which according to Mac's preference toward all things "Beauty and the Beast" she promptly named "Belle".) and read a Princess Book to her while the other adults were busy, GrandPa Jeff scored some serious GrandPa points. I believe that GrandPa points entitle me to a plethera of hugs and cuddles, and sloppy kisses, though not sure about that.

Now, this experience sounds pretty normal to the casual observer, but if you knew me, especially as I used to be, you would know that this is not like me. I have always been uncomfortable around children. I have never read aloud to one, I have never been real big on hugs and kisses. I have never been real patient with children in general. So.. when this all came so naturally to me, I was a little surprised. My ex wife and stepson both looked at me slackjawed, like "WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH JEFF?"

I honestly do not know what happened to him. I see him less and less these days. I know he is still in there somewhere, and dread his visits. I like who I am becoming. For the first time in my life, I feel okay in my skin. I am looking forward to being GrandPa, and watching mac grow into the beautiful young woman I know she is going to be. The only thing I have not done to that end, yet, is I have not yet told her I love her. But somehow, I think she already knows.

TRESPASSER

I had an uninvited, albeit not entirely unwelcome guest in my home today. The weather today being a bit severe, what with hail, snow, and rain, one of the critters who calls the hillside behind my apartment his home came up to the sliding glass doors, and with paws on the glass looked inside longingly as if to say "Let me in! I'm cold and hungry!" Unexpectedly, my room mate Bergie opened the door, and the little bugger walked right on in, unafraid. So, I went to my room and grabbed the bag of nuts I keep for my hamster "Little Jack" and a camera.

I managed to get only two photos of our guest, but was truly amazed at the boldness of our little guest who actually came in several times to get the nuts, even taking them from my hand when offered. It is obvious that this young squirrel has had some human contact before, and that perhaps hunger outweighs caution. In any case, I thought this experience was cooler than heck, and to be frank, it made my entire day. Guess I will have to be sure to keep nuts on hand for my new friend.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ME

I have been working on an idea for another blog entry at The Back Nine, a little photoshopping, and an image of a milk carton. While googling images of Milk Cartons, I ran across this little gem at Belle's Printables along with many other neat things. Some like this are free to download and use, and others there are fees for, payable through paypal. These crafty little items appealed to me as a man, because inevitably I find myself thinking of those last minute little somethings for friends and family. What I saw here was something simple, easy to make, yet somehow with a personal touch. In the case of this tiny little box, I printed up the free template then cut and folded along the lines. With a red sharpie, I colored the heart, and then with only a couple drops of glue from a glue pen, it ended up looking like this. I stopped at the local market, and bought some chocolate kisses which I put in the box. (3 fit comfortably) The little Korean lady that owns the store saw me trying to fit the kisses in the box, and was fascinated at the box. She liked it very much. "Is cute. You do good!" As I left the store I guess she was trying to figure out how it was put together. But the real joy was the smile that replaced the frown on the face of the person I gave it to. They were having a bad day, and the little gesture that said "I care" made all the difference in the world.

The little things do matter. Often times they are the most important things.

Anyway, I fired off an email to Belle, and asked her if it was all right if I posted the pic of the box here (it is after all her design) and received reply back in a couple hours telling me to go ahead. Based on her reply, it was polite, friendly, and prompt, I would have to assume doing business with her would be the same. Her site is certainly something worth checking out.

A NEW BLOG & A NEW PLACE TO RANT

For those of you that follow this blog, I hope you will look at my new blog. I had a sort of epiphany, and needed a place aside from here to explore other thoughts. Please Check it out, tell your friends if you want, and by all means, comment on my photoshopping. LOL I will be posting in both places.

http://backnine2020.blogspot.com/

FIRST NEW POEM IN A LONG WHILE

I do not know why the only time I feel inspired to write poetry is when my heart is broken, or when my life is in turmoil. Perhaps it is simply because it is during these times that I feel things most intensely, and perhaps I have no other outlet. I have a blog in the draft stage that is no where near ready to post, but this poem came from my broken heart this morning. It is written about my ex girlfriend/ex lover/ex friend Corrie. I did not choose for it to be over, I did not want it to end. But a lot of things have been going wrong for a long time, and yesterday she erased me from her life. Her friends erased me from theirs as well it appears. None of them read this, and it would not matter if they did. There is always one person left behind when a relationship ends. She was looking for a new relationship the whole time we were together, so I really am the fool here. But, broken hearts and promises. I still love her, and am in the grieving stage. So... as follows... my poem. Thanks for reading.

Brown Glass Eyes

(for Corrie)

As I look into my heart
Shattered beyond repair
To the place you used to occupy
Unable to find you there

I think about the love we had
The tears and laughter shared
The joy of your touch, the softness of your skin
In precious moments paired

I think of the flecks of gold and green
cast by God Himself in perfect array
The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
Closed forever to me this day

I think of the succulent taste of your lips
As they caress mine with tender kisses
I think with fondness of your hand in mine
And of the love my heart now misses.

An empty void in my heart
A hole inside my head
I did not want us to part
And I wish that I were dead.

You seemed to be the perfect one
Imperfect just like me
Happily I lived with you and your son
And prayed for our life to be

But now you have erased me from your life
And burned me from your heart
The dreams that you would be my wife
You methodically tore apart.

Your friends I see have erased me too
I must admit that really hurt me bad
I guess I had hoped for more from you
So I am more than a little sad.

From Zero Attraction
and fear of being hurt
My heart is in traction
Ground into the dirt

But the communication failed, the trust was broken
I thought that you loved me, I thought your love was true
But over time the untruths that were spoken
In your search to find someone new

You never gave me a chance to validate your heart
You felt unworthy of the love I gave
You were bent on destruction from the start
Now there is precious little to save

After all the trials that we faced,
After all that we had been through
From the day we first embraced
I fell in love with you.

I thought that we shared a love
Two lives once broken, joined and made anew
A gift to us from God above
I thought we shared a love, but turns out only I loved you.

THE TRUTH HURTS (A LOT SOMETIMES)

Truth... why is it that something so simple, so basic, so pure, not entirely unlike Love, Why does it have to be so subjective? Why is it that something as simple as honesty and truth can get lost in the shuffle? Why is it okay for a person to accuse another of dishonesty while boldly lying themself?

I really had other things I wanted to write about, happier things, but instead, the truth got in the way. So, if you find yourself reading this, and thinking, "Gee! He sounds angry!" That would be true. I am very angry today. I feel hurt, and betrayed, and used, and... dismissed. That is why this lengthy... (oh yes! It will be very lengthy!) blog is going to read a lot differently than any of my previous entries. It will look different, and sound different precisely because I am angry, and I have no other place to vent this complex hodge podge vomitus of emotion. It has to go somewhere, these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings.... I have to direct this somewhere constructive. If I had the money, I would take this all to my class that I need to get back to. Problem is, everything that I learned from the class, and I learned a lot, everything I learned is being tested. The best I can do right now is to acknowledge that I am in fact angry, and that I have a right to be angry. I do not, in my anger, have the right to be abusive or controlling of anyone else, and I am angry enough to stammer..... I cannot effectively articulate verbally how I am feeling. This is why I am sharing a part of me I have not shared so openly, so publicly before.

It is not always easy to admit when you make mistakes, and Lord knows I have made a large number of real doozies in my lifetime. I have learned a lot from my mistakes over the years, and by and large, I would not change a thing. I am older now than I have ever been before (talk about an astute observation.. D'oh!) and I would like to think I have aquired a little wisdom along the way. The reason I would not change much if anything in my past is because I realize that the man I am today is a product of the lessons I have learned, and the experiences I have had. It has taken me a lifetime to get to where I am, and I am glad to say that on the whole I finally like the man I see in the mirror. That is not to say that I am completely happy with the results of my choices, or the painful nature of some of the consequences of those decisions, both good and bad. Even at 40 something, a man can experience "growing pains".

Reality Check: Whether or not we like it, life is all about learning from our mistakes, trying very hard not to make the same mistakes again, and whenever possible, to share the lessons learned with our children, and those who may benefit from our experiences. I hated it when I was young, and my elders addressed me with phrases like, "Do as I say, Not as I do", or "Do you think I like the sound of my own voice?" (the answer to that question was in itself a learning experience..... case in point, when your father asks that question, whatever you do, it is in your best interest to resist the urge to respond in the affirmative; Instead, a simple "No Sir" will suffice nicely!) The thing to remember is that they are generally speaking from some sort of personal experience, and I, for one, choose to believe that in the majority of instances where one hears these types of phrases, the speaker really is trying to save us a lot of trouble down the road they have already travelled. One day, we too will attempt to pass our combined knowledge on to those who in our eyes would most benefit from hearing it. Are you buying this? I digress, I am getting off track a bit. Moving On.....

Mistakes... I have made my share plus several. Some of them were memorable enough to impact the rest of my life and the choices that followed. In no area did I make more mistakes than in my lovelife and my relationships. Sadly, those mistakes generally had the highest personal cost, which was not limited to how they affected me. When a person is involved in a relationship with another, the potential for hurt feelings and heartbreak to be felt by others is significantly more than if you were to lead a hermit's lifestyle. It is often referred to as a ripple effect. In my class, I learned to refer to it as collateral. We do not always intend to say and do things to hurt others It just happens.

I have tried to be a better man than I used to be. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of time in the Bible. I have journalled extensively, and I have opened my life up to anyone who cares to look, and my heart up to those that gave me hope. I look at myself in the mirror and see a milder, somewhat diffused version of the man I once was. I am less prone to anger, and more prone to discussion. I cannot look at myself in the same way as I once did, not do most people. Even my Ex Wife has noticed the changes in me, and marvelled at the change, something she never thought she would see.

Okay... I just ran across this on one of the blogs I follow. It is about the coolest thing I have seen in a long time.... next to celephane wrap on a toilet bowl... thats still pretty funny. Just Kidding! Geez! But, if you use batteries, How cool is this? Solar Batteries... recharge simply by placing in the sunlight. Awesome!

http://www.livbit.com/article/2009/02/19/the-solar-batteries/

MORAL COMPASS? SPINNING RESOLUTELY OUT OF CONTROL, THANKS FOR ASKING.

I am in a quandry this morning. I have a lot on my mind.

Why is it that things must be so difficult sometimes?I am not a

bad man, I'm not. Okay, okay... you can quit laughing anytime.

You ! In the corner! I hear you snickering! Don't make me open

a can of Whup-Ass! Even Jessica Rabbit once said, "I'm not bad;

I am just drawn that way!"

Okay, joking aside; Why is it difficult sometimes, knowing right from wrong as I do, to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to make the moral choice, and then stick with it? Why do things have to get so very complicated so very quickly? For me, my achilles' heel is women. I love women. I love the way they smell, taste, feel, and look. Still very much struggle understanding how they think. So, here is my dilemma: I have a girlfriend, at least I think I do, thought I did.... alright, that relationship is a little fuzzy right now. She is having a hard time knowing what she wants, and as angry as I get with the bullshit, I am having a hard time with the whole relational yo yo myself. There is a part of me that still genuinely loves this woman. As maddening as she can be at times, and angry as I want to be at her, as much as I want to just close the door by whatever means necessary and simply walk away, my heart is making it hard.

She mocks me in my dreams. I see her, and I feel her in my arms, and sometimes, it seems so very real. I hear certain songs on the radio, and again, whatever I am doing, wherever I am, as soon as I hear the song, there she is again.






I am reminded of a Delbert McClinton song. The lyrics follow:






You Were Never Mine




I saw someone again today


Who remembered me and you


They asked all the same old questions


I gave the same excuse


They said what a shame, what a shame


To lose a love so fine






But I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






I kept on believing What I wanted to believe


The unspoken promises


That you could never keep


But it's a sin, oh it's a sin


To tell yourself a lie






I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






Did you give me all you gave me


Just because I needed you


But when I needed all your love completely


Was it more than you could do






Sometimes deep in the night


When I hold you in my dreams


I get lost in your loving touch, baby


I can't believe how real it seems






And I know, yes I know


I'll have you 'till the end of time


'Cause I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you 'cause you were never mine






I never lost you, I never really lost you


How could I lose you, you were never mine

************

I believe that so many things are happening right now in my life to distract me from the important things. I believe that Ol' Scratch (Satan) is having a heyday with me right now by putting these circumstances and obstacles in my path. Now, being a Christian, I do know where the real power lays, and I know where I need to turn to find the resolution to my problem, but being human, being male, and all the flaws that come with those two birthdefects, I am prone to want to figure my own way out of this. Yep. Us guys are so adept at fixing things, that when we fix them, we fix them REAL good. Let's ignore the fact that whatever it was was no where near as broken before we showed up!

So... here it is, I am broken up with my girlfriend, or am I? I have yet to receive a definative answer from her. My ex wife and I are still friends, after everything that happened, and I want to be her friend. The possibility now exists that we could fix the broken in our failed and ended marriage. But should we? Do I really want to? I do not want to go back to the way things were, and as much as I care for her, the only change she has seen is the passage of years. She still lives exactly the same as she did when we first started dating, and I ignored it back then. In a marriage, I could no longer ignore it.

Suffice to say, I am anal retentive, and she isn't. I do not want to be the chief cook, bottlewasher, and house keeper again. No... I just do not want to pick up behind anyone all the time. I cannot live like that, in the situation she does. It would make me crazy. (Inferring that I am not yet? Right!) She has been alone since she left me, and I think she misses having someone around that is not covered in fur and doesn't hack up hairballs. But, even though I am thrilled that she has had the opportunity to see that I can and did change (after twelve years of fighting it), is that reason enough to try again? Both of our families and most of our friends are against it. For me, the appeal is being a part of a family again, for I am tired of being an outsider all the time.

I suppose much of my confusion is based on the fact that I also do not know what I want anymore. I have been distracted and not thinking very clearly for a long time now. I still love my ex wife, but I am not IN LOVE with her anymore. I am still IN LOVE with my ex girlfriend, but do not want the relationship to go on as it has. I cannot live wondering if and when she will betray my trust again. I cannot live with the feeling that I will always be last in her priorities. She says she loves me, but she has been looking for whatever it is she feels she is missing online, and has had relations with another man while we were still together.

Then again, I also cheated on my wife while we were married. I had relations with the one woman while we were still together, and three others after we were no longer living together. After the divorce was final, I met Corrie, and was terribly gunshy and cautious. It was months before we met in person, but after only three months of dating, we were sleeping together. We lived together for about a year, and then parted company, with me moving across town, and her moving out of state.I really tried to be a better man

ORANGE CATS

I made this video a couple years back, more or less as a Mother's Day Gift for my Wife. This was one of the last things I did for her before she moved away. I never really thought I would see her again after she left, and with the exception of the divorce hearing, I was pretty much correct. But in the last 6 months or so, things have opened up in terms of our communication, so she was actually here today as I posted this video, and of course, it made her cry.

HIDDEN TALENTS

Sometimes I consider my own mortality and wonder if, or how I will be remembered. Will I be remembered fondly for my sense of humor, or will I be remembered as a good and kind man? Will I be remembered for all of the mistakes I have made, or the many hurts I have caused? Will I be remembered at all, or will I be remembered for my many hidden talents? If I am remembered for anything, will those that remember me still wonder why I never did anything with my life?

I was chatting with a friend online last night, and shared some of my drawings. Her question of me was "What are you doing keeping all of this talent to yourself?" I really did not have a very good answer, but my response to her query was "I already know I am talented, but... I do not care enough about it to do anything about it. I do these things because I enjoy them. If I tried to do it for a job, I would grow to hate it."

She accepted my answer, but obviously did not agree with me. She told me "I'm not saying it would have to be a job. It would be sharing with others and maybe witnessing to some that may need it too." She continued, "...you and I really need to meet....so I can kick your butt!!! What are you doing? You have so much talent, and you are keeping it all to yourself. I'm not saying this because I think all art and talent should be exploited or something. But, gifts of this magnitude are meant to be shared for others to enjoy. God gave you this gift, it should be shared, and it can be shared in the terms of understanding that it comes from God, therefore helping others to become interested in what that means....and you could be helping others, whether it is kids who also doubt their own talent, or adults who have been thru a lot too."

Of course she is right. I could share my talents, my abilities, my art, my resources, my time, and even my life. There are many areas across the board where I have been very selfish, and there are many things I could be doing a lot differently. Even if I changed, and began to share more of myself, I may not make a difference in any one else’s life, but perhaps in opening myself up to others, perhaps it will be my life that is changed. Perhaps in letting go of my inhibitions, my fears, my insecurities, my pride.... perhaps in the letting go of these things I will find my life becoming better, and I myself growing happier, and healthier.

The images I am posting along with this blog are all pictures and cartoons and caricatures I have drawn the past couple years. Towards the end of 2006 I became interested in pointillism, and many of the drawings here are approximately the size of postage stamps. I will attempt later to post other drawings I have done, which include more cartoons, doodles, sketches, and even tattoos I have drawn. I have so many photos to go through, and boxes of paper... I cannot say how long it will take me to do all of this.

My friend was right, even though I have heard the same speech over the years from my ex wife, my sister, my girlfriends, my friends, my family, and just people who have seen the handful of drawings I have laying around. Every one of them it seems, is more interested in my potential than I am. Every one of them gets frustrated with me for not exploiting these gifts. I understand thier feelings, and have no problem understanding the point they keep trying to make. I just wish they could for one moment step into my shoes and understand how difficult this all is for me. Here I have something I like to do, and something I am good at, but to me, it will never be good enough. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and there is a certain order I have to keep. When things fall out of array or out of routine, It makes me crazy.

When I was young, I played the clarinet. I practiced seven days a week. However, I would never be allowed to ever become proficient at it. My step father was a rotten man. Angry, bitter, miserly, and mean. He was fine to everyone else, but to me, he was a tyrant. I was kicked out of my home, but my nephew was allowed to move in. I was not allowed to touch him ever, but he touched me often enough with a switch. For that matter, he touched me often enough with his fists and hands.

As for the clarinet, I was only allowed to practice in the cold unfinished basement. He hated the repetitious nature of my lessons, and did not want to hear me play. let alone hit the bad notes. Now, if you have played a reed instrument, you know it is not a pleasant sensation when you hit the bad notes anyway. But to have him ridicule me when I did play, and yell at me when I didn't, it created confusion in me. He was always reminding me how much the instrument was costing, and I "by God better make it worth the money he was paying." As best I can tell, it was never worth the money.

I was not allowed to eat in the same room as him, I was not allowed to leave my room except to eat and use the bathroom. I never was allowed to draw (waste paper) or build anything ("don't know how to use tools properly" Every step of the way instead of encouraging, loving, and teaching me, he beat me down and ridiculed me. He minimized every accomplishment I ever had, and never once called me by my name. Around other people I was referred to as "the boy", but when we were alone, I was usually some variation of "You worthless son of a bitch!" This killed whatever self esteem I had.

To this day, if I cannot do it well, I generally will not do it at all. I now know I have choices and I do try to make the right ones, but sometimes it is easier just not to try at all. Thats it in a nutshell. I hope you like these images. I am going to post this as it is, and will get back to the thought later. I have been awake since 4am, and with only three hours sleep under my belt, I am just not able to focus any more right now. Thanks for your patience.