Basically, I am not smart. Obviously. I see other blogger sites with graphics and animation, and I read how to do it, "this looks like html, I think, but there it is in black and white, "this is not html." Beats me; I just am not bright enough to figure it out. Do I need to know how to make my blogger look like a webpage, and would it matter if I did? Likely no one will read this, likely it will never draw attention to itself, and thus my ramblings will go on largely unnoticed. Actually, I just described myself. "Let it be," I say, "let the words reflect the man!" Besides, I already have a webpage, and have created several. But I do not claim to understand html. Thankfully the technology has been here for years to where I do not need to know html. Not much anyway. Most likely as time goes on, and the gui of Windows and other similar programs becomes easier and easier to use, the need of the average consumer to know any html or programming language will decrease. It will all be done with a point and a click.

Speaking of programs, I just registered to test Windows XP. I am looking forward to the pre release date, and am anxious to see what it can do. Too bad I have to wait until May or likely June before it is shipped out to me.

SECOND ENTRY

A second entry, still focusing on the subject of feelings, but from a different perspective. While in the last entry I spoke of my sensitivity, I qualified that by stating I am a man nevertheless. What that means is that at times there exists a duality within me. On one hand, the sensitive man, the poet and dreamer; on the other hand, the typical alpha male, chauvinistic, arrogant, and insensitive. Yes, I am a male after all, and possess all the male faults. [Bummer! :( ]

What happens to the relationship between a man and a woman when feelings dominate the relationship? Does anyone care to answer? It seems painfully obvious to me, at least, that relationships, typically, are based on selfish needs and desires. We (each of us) choose our friends carefully. If someone we meet makes us feel bad, then the likelihood of us pursuing a relationship becomes slim, unless of course, in addition to our many other faults, we are dysfunctional, and therefore actively seek out relationships that will enable us to feel even worse than we already do, and fill whatever void it is within us that makes us want to feel worthless and generally dumped upon.

But, I do not believe dysfunction, however prevalent in today's society, is the norm. We tend to fill our lives with people that make us feel good about ourselves. Whatever we are missing in our lives, our friends make our lives more tolerable, and if well chosen, make us feel better about ourselves. The build us up as opposed (to the dysfunctional) to tearing us down. It then becomes a selfish thing, a selfish desire to maintain the friendship or relationship based on how good it makes us feel about ourselves.

A marriage is no different. The problem is, a marriage is supposed to be give and take. But especially in a dysfunctional relationship, it often becomes take and take. Time passes, and we continue thinking in the manner in which we were accustomed. This means that although we genuinely love our partner, we are still basically of the "What's in it for me?" mentality. We are selfish, and selfishness grows. In time, one or both partners feel like they are being used, and they are right.

Long before the realization sets in that we are no longer single, we are up to our old patterns.... selfish thought. We still perceive ourselves as single, and resist any attempts to "become one flesh" as it were. Biblicly, "one flesh" means a lot more than the physical relations between a man and a woman. In time, with luck, and patience, and a whole lot of struggling, a man and a woman join on a different level. It is intimacy.

GOING PUBLIC

Okay, so I have had time to think about it. What good is Blogger? What can it be used for? Some people use it as a sounding board for their thoughts and ideas, others may use it as a medium to harangue others to think as they do. Still others tell their innermost secrets or family stories. So the query arises, "What do I want from blogger?" I guess I don't know. But, as merely another faceless soul in cyberspace, Gee! It seems to give a person a lot of freedom and anonymity to say pretty much whatever they want without the usual fear of rejection or exposure. "Surely, the truth shall set you free...."

The fact is, I am a man, perhaps more sensitive than some, but a man nonetheless. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy sometimes like I assume everyone does occasionally. I worry about bills and finances, I worry about what people think of me. I sometimes think I am cursed to have such a tender heart, other times I am thankful to be able to feel things so intensely. In fact, on the whole, I view it as a gift of the spirit. Yeah right! Go ahead, mock me. If you are a Christian, you might understand. If not, then perhaps you would view me as some sort of narcissistic flake who holds himself up with some sort of twisted, pious sense of self worth. However I am viewed by others, it really doesn't matter to me. For I have learned to be secure in who I am, faults and all. That, too, is a gift of sorts.

But what is it I hope to achieve here? Heck, I don't know. Perhaps I am just a messed up individual who needs therapy. I've thought that once or twice. Why not? Haven't we all? The fact is, I am convinced that I am not alone. I cannot be. I figure that there are other men out there who feel the way I do about some things, who think the way I do about some things, but who are afraid to show the more sensitive side, because society as a rule has dictated that men must be strong; that men cannot cry or show weakness; that tears are fine for women, but not okay for men.

First of all, I hate that stereotypical view. It is so.... well, stereotypical. It shows a serious lack of imagination, and just a foolish denial of human nature. While it is true that women, as a rule, are more emotionally based than men, Who says it is not okay for a man to cry? Who says it is a sign of weakness? No, I hold to the belief that only a truly strong man would freely admit his feelings, weaknesses, and shortcomings, and openly express his more sensitive side. (I said sensitive, not feminine!) Men, trust me, a lot of women find this not only refreshing, but incredibly attractive.
Like most men, I used to deny my feelings. I used to believe that "big boys don't cry" but there came a point in my life where there were just too many tears to hold them in anymore.

Everything came to a head about ten or twelve years ago, and I just began to cry one day... not over anything I could remember now, but it was at a time when things were looking bad for me. Now here it is, a new century, and darn it! I cry all the time... over stupid things! A love song, a touching movie, a funeral, a wedding.... all the time. (Yes I carry a hankie!) It is amusing to some... because here is this big biker sort in the second pew of a catholic church bawling his eyes out, (quietly though!) and asking the little old lady next to him if she has a tissue he could have. I've seen the smiles. I've seen the looks. Sometimes all you can do is grin real big and hold up the hankie, and nod.

But take it a step further... Have any of you men ever felt a hurt so deep, a pain so great that no matter how hard you tried, there was just no stopping the tears? You tried, but then you end up chuffing and snorting like a javelina. Have you ever simply wailed? A deep throaty cry from the deepest depths of your pain, uncontrollably shaking and heaving, as your body racks from the sobbing? My guess is that not many men would admit to ever being hurt that bad. But it happens. Your wife leaves you for your best friend, your child is killed by a drunk driver, your brother is killed by cancer, your friend is murdered in his sleep by a 12 year old with an assault rifle. You are overcome by joy, grief, sadness..... these are daily events. Women can openly express their feelings, why not men? You think men are uptight? They are....! You try holding all that stuff in for a lifetime.

Perhaps there are more men like me... perhaps not. I feel pain. It is a gift. In my life, I feel pain, not only mine, but others' as well. It has changed me into a most compassionate man. I am not as selfish as I used to be. But I am curious... and if you feel compelled to reply or comment, email me at daedak@gmail.com (yes, it's a real address!) I will attempt to reply to all emails. In the meantime, I have decided to explore my deepest feelings here, you know, Mom, Dad, growing up in a dysfunctional family....whatever.