Sometimes it seems difficult for me to write, at least in the style which I know I am capable of. I know that somewhere within me is the spark that used to fuel the passion for writing I once enjoyed. Something happened, and the passion faded like an old photograph. I would give most anything to rekindle the spark, the passion I once knew. But in this moment, there just seems to be a void. A cold emptiness which I am not able to explain. I look inside for the words, and what used to be like a closet, where the words hung like garments, seems dark and empty now. Sometimes, when I try to open the door to my creativity, it seems like the darkness pulls me in, envelopes me, and I get stuck there in the empty space for awhile. Today, however, it seemed as though there was a new garment hanging in the closet, as it were. Just the one, and nothing else. I can see it, reach in and feel it, and am thrilled to find it there.
Lately, and for quite some time, things have not been right in my life. I am not really where I want to be. Physically, emotionally, financially, artistically, spiritually.... I would like to be somewhere else. I am tired of feeling drained all the time. Physically, my body is a wreck. I was in arrhythmia as little as an hour ago, and I am struggling and failing to keep my blood sugar in range. I have not been sleeping well for a number of weeks, and my sleep patterns are totally messed up. I know I am depressed, because I am in a space where I prefer darkness to the light. I used to be afraid of the dark to an extent when I was a kid, but now, darkness is sort of like an old friend. I can close the door to my office, and turn out the light, and just sit in my armchair. The darkness rushes in to cover me like a blanket, and I am able to relax. Something about it, I am not sure what, but I find it to be both warm and peaceful. In the darkness of my room, nothing reaches me, not even light. I feel safe, and secure in the darkness. I do not suffer from photophobia, not in the strictest sense, but on the whole, because of the annoying spots I see as a result of my glaucoma, I do prefer dimmer light much of the time, because in relative dimness, I do not see the spots which often resemble small black flying bugs to me. But also, because I am familiar with my surroundings, I am comfortable moving about in relative darkness. I do not have to see to know where things are. Once, out of morbid curiosity, I darkened my home completely, and lived in near complete darkness for about a week. I listened to music, bathed, prepared meals, and moved about my house in near complete darkness. With the exception of my computer, and the various indicator lights on electronics, the television (which I rarely watch) and candles, there was no light. What I found was that for a time, darkness can be quite peaceful. But at the same time, I believe we require light. Not lighting, but light. Daylight, specifically.
All life on the planet and everything in nature is dependent on the sun. Without the sun, there would be no life on the planet. All life is dependent on the sun. Plants convert the sunlight into energy, and all animals need plant life or other animals in order to live. All life in nature is dependent on the sun. We as humans are part of nature. We need sunlight just like everything else.
But I digress... I am getting off track. Basically, I just wanted to write today, and I have done that. I did not have any particular direction.
