For the last couple years I have been finding that I am growing intolerant of some things in my life. I am finding that I do not have room in my life for dishonesty for example. I haven't the patience to dink around with wasting words when it comes to expressing my feelings. I am also finding that as I move further away from the angry man I used to be, I am by far more direct and honest than I have ever been. Communication and honesty are at the top of my list of importance in my relationships. I have learned that respect and trust may be more important than love. You can't really have love without trust and respect.
This is a painful realization for me, because in the past 6 months especially, since I moved out of my girlfriend's house, I have had the opportunity to observe the change in her behavior, and how she treats me, and also, more importantly, the change in how I respond to the feelings I have. I am more vocal than I have ever been, telling everyone point blank what and how I am feeling, and if I were to choose one word to describe what this has done for me, that word would be "Freedom". The more direct and honest I am, the more free I feel. I believe that this change in the way I handle things has resulted in a reduction in my blood pressure, my stress level, and my overall happiness.
A couple years ago, I still did not have the tools necessary to handle stress. I would become frustrated because I had feelings I was not able to articulate. My frustration would lead to anger, and then violence. Unable to express my feelings verbally, I expressed them behaviorally. This is not something I am proud of, however, having had the opportunity to look closely at my behavior, and my life in general, I am so very thankful for the transformation in my life. That is not to say that my life is where I want it to be, but I am a lot more accepting of the things I am not able to change. Yep! I am a freakin' walking serenity prayer.
Anyway, for the past several months I have been feeling a more and more urgent need to tell her how I am feeling, but have been unable to do so. In part, I have been afraid to talk to her about these feelings, because I do not want to hurt her feelings. But let's face it, that is not fair to either of us. I also feel like she has been using different controlling behaviors to avoid the discussion that would define our relationship. This is how I feel, but in all fairness, I am biased. I am not seeing both sides, only mine, so this is certainly a unilateral narrative. But, I feel that for the past several months she has been giving me just enough of what I need to keep me hanging on. She has been telling me that she loves me. She occasionally calls me "her guy" which I love hearing. She Texts me telling me that she loves me and misses me. She does little things that show me she cares. But.... at the same time, she is actively looking for other men online. She has dated several, and there are times when I feel she is being evasive and dishonest to me.
Maybe she does not want to hurt my feelings, but I feel like she is rebelling right now. She was in a marriage for 16 years, and has a 9 year old son. The marriage was not healthy, and ended badly, and her ex is a total jerk. I understand that she needs time to get over the divorce, I understand that she is finding herself free for the first time... well, ever. But we had been in a relationship. I wanted to marry her. The problem is that she has hurt me, and has done enough, let me down enough, pushed me away enough that I have lost the trust and respect I once had for her. Don't get me wrong, I still have trust and respect for her, but not in all areas. I do not believe her when she tells me we will get together. I do not believe her when she promises to be somewhere at a given time. I do not know if she has been sleeping with these men she has dated, and I do not think I want to know. I am already jealous, and distrustful.
What I want, what I need, what I expect in a relationship, is honesty. I want your yes to be yes, and your no to be no. I want you to show up in a timely manner when you say you will. I want you to communicate with me when things come up. I do not want to be sitting or standing around all day waiting for you to show up. I want you to tell me that I am important to you. I need you to not only tell me that you love me, but I need you to prove it. If I am your boyfriend, then aside from God and your son, I want to be first in your life. I do not want to feel like I am always taking a backseat to everyone. I hate feeling like I am your standby. I need to feel important to you. I need to be able to talk to you, to communicate. I cannot sit on these feelings indefinitely. I have been through a lot learning how to control my anger, and it is very important to me to be able to no longer stuff my emotions. I have no room for anger in my life anymore.
... oops! Kinda slipped into the first person there... but you get the point. I need to know where I stand, I want and deserve the truth. I am capable of great love, and I feel so much love... the man I am now is by far a better man than I have ever been. I am even willing to wait... but these issues need to be addressed. If not now, then later. I am not going to change this honesty and directness. Sorry. I like who I am. For the first time in my life I can say that. I like being 40 something. Even though there are things I need to change in my life, my life is good. I just wish I did not feel like I were traveling though it alone. I want and need someone to share it with. I have so much love to give, it just does not feel right not having to spend so much of it alone in front of this computer. But, for now, I have my health to focus on, and with summer coming, I hope to ride my bike a lot more.
Maybe I don't have time for a girlfriend after all.
