Part of what must be on my mind.

I do not often dream about people I can easily identify, unless I see them often. So last night it seemed odd that I should dream so clearly about my nephew Alan who is recently deceased. It was not a remarkable dream. For some reason, in my dream, Yvonne and I were out shopping at some sort of thrift store, and she had found several necklaces which appeared to be teardrop shaped glass pendants on dainty chains. Each pendant seemed to have images of babies, a little like Anne Geddes' art work, somehow embedded in high resolution into the glass. I get that... what woman does not like babies? Not something I would have bought , however... but the strange part was in my dream was my nephew Alan was apparently working at the shop in some capacity. He was wearing some sort of headpiece enabling him to manage the phones and talk to a supervisor while helping customers. That was strange. Alan liked people, and might have done well in retail at one time, but he preferred a different method to making money that did not involve actual work. Too, in the dream, he seemed happy, clean, and healthy. That was the odd part. I had not seen him be any of these things in several years. But, upon waking, I still felt somehow good, because in a way. I sensed that he may be those things now.

I am nervous, very nervous about tomorrow. I have been in pain so long now that I am desperate for relief, but I am still nervous. Not as scared perhaps as when I went in for heart surgery, but I have had a lot more time to think about this, and there are several reasons I believe that my nerves are getting the best of me. First of all, as with any procedure, there are risks. I could walk out of the procedure  and it could not work. I could have to go through it again. I could get a serious infection. I could end up walking out in worse shape then when I walk in. Or, it could work, and I may find the relief I seek. But even if I do, I know it is just a temporary fix, a bandage on a condition which I may have to deal with for the rest of my life. I hate that. I hate my damn walker, and I hate every moment of pain I have to go through. I took a shower last night, and the pain made it difficult to do, and more so, it made it difficult to dry off and get dressed afterwards.

That's the thing with this sort of problem, the little things we take for granted every day. When our body no longer lets us do those things without pain, or when the pain becomes so great that we cannot do those things at all.... it becomes overwhelming. Emotionally, since this all began, I have changed, a lot. But not necessarily for the better in all respects. In fact, all but one of the changes, it seems, are negative. The one positive change I have seen is that I am more appreciative of the "good days". But mostly, I regret not being able to do the things I once did. I regret that so much goes undone. I regret that household chores do not get done. I feel like a burden, and I feel guilt. I feel worthless, and I feel depressed.

I have no sense of accomplishment most days, and beyond that, I see things coming up that will require a lot of work, and I do not know how I will handle it. So it seems apparent to me that I am going to have to make it easier on myself in the future by getting rid of stuff, or I am going to have to ask for help. Asking for help is not always easy.But I suppose I had better get used to it. It would appear that some years in the future, I will have to rely more heavily on others. I hate that idea. But hopefully, I can maintain my mind, if not my body,, and I can at the very least continue to express my appreciation to those that are there for me when I need it. I used to joke that I planned on being difficult for the poor nurses when I do end up in a nursing home. I realize now, that by then, my pride will be largely broken, and I will be better off by being kind and appreciative. It may get me a lot further if I do not make all the nurses hate me.

I do have another option, and it is the scariest of all. I can make good choices now, and work harder than I ever have to reclaim my health, to strengthen myself, and to try to reverse as many of these things as I can now. That means a lifestyle makeover. I have to rethink everything, plan. make a commitment to myself, to God, and to others that I will not give up, that I will keep picking myself up when I fail, and try again. I have to will myself to beat this thing, and I may have to ask for help in doing it.

But for now, let me just get through this next week.