On the Death and Dying of a friend.
Some time has passed since I last posted to this blog, and it is not that I intended to let so much time pass, but my life has become a lot more complicated the last couple months. In typical fashion, I am suffering from my usual holiday blues, but due to untypical circumstances I really do not have time to dwell on my own problems.
Nearly three months ago I met a beautiful woman, bubbly, cheerful, quick witted, always ready with a smile, and that smile can light up a room when she enters. She was so full of life that I could not really fathom how ill she was. We had so much in common that we hit it off immediately after she first chewed me out for not taking better care of my diabetes. That is how we met in the first place, I was in a nursing home being treated with IV antibiotics due to diabetic complications. After I left the facility I continued to come in on a daily basis to visit her, and we eventually decided that it would be nicer for her to die in my home than to die in a nursing home. Especially since when we made this decision she was not expected to make it to Halloween. Now here it is, 4 days until Christmas, and we are preparing to celebrate Christmas together. We have no real tangible plans, nothing like a gift exchange, in fact, I only have a 10 inch ceramic tree as decoration. We have instead decided to spend Christmas reflecting on the life of Christ, and all the blessing we have received through Him. We will listen to Christmas music, go to church, pray, and read the bible, then have a simple supper. For the first time ever, I plan on putting the Christ in my Christmas. I want to reflect on the real meaning of the holiday, not the commercialism.
Perhaps it is in the dealing with the death of my friend, which is rapidly approaching, but I am finding that several things are occurring all at once. My faith is being strengthened and tested daily, I am becoming less selfish, and more concerned with how what I say and do affects others. I am learning that even though I have spent my life pushing people away, I actually really need people around, and I am greatly impacted by thier attitudes and feelings. I am learning that in order to move on, I must first learn to let go. I am learning that I have no control over many aspects of my life, but that I do have control over how I respond to the circumstances around me. I am learning that even though it sometimes hurts to open up your life to another, that it is worth it, and that God will use the pain to help you grow. I am learning that if God leads you to it, He will see you through it. I am not as afraid of death as I used to be, and I am gaining a whole new respect for the people that work in health care, like my wife. I never had the heart for this, and do not know why I felt led to do this, but I have no regrets. I am proud and honored to be able to be a friend, caregiver, and companion to this woman that has in such a short time made such a huge impact on my life. I am honored to be able to go through this with her, step by painful step. I may not be able to see the people she sees that have been coming to visit her, But I do not doubt thier existence. I am coming to believe that the human brain which we only use 10 percent or so of changes during this process and that the dying are actually getting glimpses into heaven, and seeing spirits and beings from beyond. Nuts? perhaps. I believe in God and cannot physically see Him, I cannot see the air to know it is there, I do not need to see these apparitions to believe that to the dying, they are as real as you and me. In fact, this whole process has served to give me hope, and to strengthen my faith in God. I do not yet know why God would have brought this wonderful woman into my life, even for a short time, but I am convinced it happened for a reason, and I have something to learn here. God plans on using this experience to change my heart again. I will miss Kathleen, but I will always carry part of her in my heart, the same as I carry my wife, stepson, mother, brother, and others, both living and dead, I have learned that love knows no boundaries, and even death cannot break it. I have also discovered recently, thanks to the wise words of a friend, that love is a priviledge. I always felt it was a choice, and it is. But it truly is a priviledge for those that find it. I just had never though of it in that way before. Perhaps one day, I will have the priviledge to love again. In the meantime, I plan on not closing myself off to people any more. The only thing I have to lose if I do is myself. Now that I have found the real me, I do not want to lose sight of who I am.
