SELF DISCOVERY

For a time, it would seem, I have fallen off the planet. I do not know for certain whether the Earth picked up speed as it spun on it's axis, or whether it momentarily stopped altogether briefly, long enough only for the gravitational field to lose it's hold on me and allowing me to hurtle off into space. But obviously, for a time anyway, I was not here. What other plausible explanation might explain my lengthy absence from writing in my blog here? Oh wait! I know.. I know... I got it! The real reason I was not here posting blogs is because I was sailing deep into Polynesian waters when a storm came up were it not for the courage of the fearless crew, it surely would have been lost. The boat set down on the shore of some uncharted desert isle where I was held captive by seven crazed geriatrics that had capsized there some 40 years before.

No? Okay... that was a bit of a stretch. Bottom line, I have no excuses for not writing. I just looked at my blog today and was disappointed that there are relatively few entries in light of the length of time that this Blog has been online. I want to be a prolific writer, I want to share a little bit of myself, but every time I try, something happens and I blow it off. It is the same thing with my handwritten journals. I go months sometimes between entries. I feel bad for that because to a degree, I feel that I have lost a piece of my past by not keeping a record of it. Damn OCD anyway.

The last week alone has provided me with plenty of stuff to think and write about, but I just have not been able to slow down my brain long enough to actually sit down and do it. Then, like now, I am harried, as I have an appointment in like 30 minutes.... but it is a good thing. My job hunt has not been going well, I have had a large number of negative responses if I got a response at all. I have not been able to make it past the pre-employment phone screens. It makes me feel like crap because I know if I could only get to meet a person face to face, I would likely have had a job months ago. So, in an hours time, I will be sitting in front of a human resources administrator, and a department manager in the first face to face interview I have had in a very long time. Nervous? You bet. Anxious... yeah.. more so with each passing minute. I applied for virtually every single position within the company, short of management, though I could probably handle that too. The pre employment testing was a no brainer for me, but it seemed all common sense. I have no reason to be nervous really, but I do not want this job so much as need it. It is not with one of my preferred options. I applied at a lot of companies... some ecause I was interested, others because I was qualified, and others still because I knew they were more apt to hire because of the large rate of turnover. Todays interview is with one of the latter companies. I need a job, and have had to lower my standards about the type of work I am willing to do, and the treatment I am willing to endure, all in the name of getting a steady income flowing in.Okay... so I hope I get the job... but I am not ending my search here. I hope to develop and hone my skills, pad my resume with new experiences and certificates if possible... Pad.. okay.. bad word... But my resume is stripped pretty bare now because I am not looking for jobs working with kids or adults anymore. I am no longer a counselor, no longer a teacher, no longer a recreation professional, no longer a caregiver, and no longer really qualified for the work I once did. What I want now is a desk job, because of my health, but unlikely to see that here. I will likely be doing physical labor again, and with trepidations about my heart. I know lifting and moving items may cause me pain... but is it really worth saying anything and take a chance at not getting a job, or to go in, try my best, then give 20 % more if I can, and hope for the best? If something happens, I may be able to deal with it equally well after I have the job. Well.. wish me luck.. time for me to go. Crossing my fingers.

DANGEROUS WATERS

My girlfriend and I were out grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, and we had her 8 year old son with us. It was a day where nothing had been going smoothly, and so perhaps tolerance levels were not as high as they might be normally. Be that as it may, here it is dinner time, we had finished shopping, and had stopped by Wendy's for a couple burgers because Corrie did not really feel up to cooking. Everything is going well... until we pull back out onto the Avenue and turn towards home. Suddenly, there before our eyes is a 4 foot by 8 foot depiction of a physician's hand in rubber glove holding a small, completely formed, but eviscerated fetus. This billboard was being held for all to see by a woman probably in her 50's. She is obviously aware of her protected status under the constitution to display this horrid image to all passersby on this very busy public road.

I am proud to be an American, and am glad to call the USA my home. I support this country and all of its rights and privileges, and honor those brave men and women who have fought and died that we might have these freedoms, including the freedom of speech. I thank God for our First Amendment Rights, because while it gives that woman the right to offend people with the graphic images she held aloft for men, women, and children to view, within view of 2 restaurants at dinnertime, it also gives me the right to express my feelings about how angry I am that she deprived us of the right not to be assaulted in this fashion.

I suppose you would call me a middle of the road asshole. I support the woman's right to choose. I believe that there are instances where abortion is an option, and that ultimately that decision rests on the individual woman. I do not have to agree or disagree. I believe it is a choice, but that it should never be the first and only choice. It should never be used as birth control. Too many couples, loving people, regardless of race, economic status, or sexual orientation want to have children, and are not able. Many of these candidates are fully capable of providing safe, nurturing, loving homes to these so called unwanted children, and should have the opportunity.

I know my views may be unpopular to some, and realize that abortion is one of the most volatile issues today. When does a fetus become viable? When does it become sentient? When does it have rights of its own? When does it go from being a human fetus to being a human being? These are questions I am not qualified to answer. I am simply glad I was one of those that lived. I am glad I lived long enough to be able to articulate the complex and diverse feelings about something that has bothered me for 2 days now. I cannot justify posting the actual image that so offended my girlfriend and I, not in good conscience. If you have to see it, look up "truth trucks" on Google.

ON THE TURNING AWAY

I would love to be able to say that I feel good about everything I have accomplished this week, but I don't. What accomplishments I have had are tempered by the overall sense of discouragement I have taken away with me. I mean, I was discouraged before, but it seems that with each passing day, with each passing rejection, with each passing glimmer of hope extinguished one at a time, I am finding it more and more difficult to look at the bright side of things. I have long known that life is not easy generally, but I never really expected it to become this difficult.

I have long heard it said that "bad things happen to good people", and "no good deed goes necessarily unpunished". Okay... it was my sister telling me these things, and I never really spent a whole lot of effort listening to my sister. She has had a lot happen in her life, and to be frank, she depresses the hell out of me sometimes. When she isn't depressing me by being critical of the things I do, she is making me feel like crap by telling me how bad she has it. It was this uncomfortable relational dynamic that more or less helped me to decide to move out from her place nearly a year ago. I spent about 10 months living with her after losing my home. It was supposed to be a hand up, a mutually beneficial arrangement to help us both out. It did not work out that way. Over time she got on my nerves, and I suppose I on hers. The arrangement became unhealthy for both of us it seemed. Now, had I listened to my brother Joe, I would have learned not to sweat the small shit, and that it is all small shit. Fine, Joe. You were smart. You never ever lived with her.

Then there of course is the whole plethora of other things going on in my life. It is complicated when everything gets muddled together like this

THINKING ABOUT LYRICS

Earlier today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever had someone listen to a song because it encompassed a thought or feeling far better than she would have been able to express on her own. She acknowledged that she had done that. So to myself, I think, "Cool! I was afraid I was the only person that ever did that." My ex wife may not have had a grasp on the idea, or perhaps just could not relate to secular music. Perhaps still, maybe her upbringing did not allow that kind of thinking, or maybe she lacked the imagination to put herself in the shoes of the songwriter. It really does not matter. She basically thought I was nuts. As did my sister. My sister referred to all the music I used to listen to so regularly as either crap, or death music. Screw her too.

Anyway, a bit later my girlfriend played a song that was important to her back when she was a teenager. She apologized and tried to qualify the song by saying she had not listened to it in years, and did not know if it would still hold the same meaning for her. Okay, okay.. we all grow up, and think about things differently. As long as it was not Tiny Tim, I would not hold it against her. It wasn't, thank goodness. But by the third note I recognized the song as Pat Benetar's "Hell is For Children" and knowing her and her story as well as I do, I was neither surprised nor critical of her choice. It was apt. But that got me to thinking; I became aware earlier today that Richard Wright of Pink Floyd had lost his battle to cancer and I felt bad that an integral part of the Pink Floyd sound was forever silenced. Back in the day, when I was a teenager, I thought the Floyd was the best rock band ever. (I have since broadened my perspectives a bit.) I still like the Floyd, and always will albeit not as fond of the darker stuff Waters used to write. But in my youth, I felt a certain kinship with the music, because some of it was dark. SO, I played the song that I felt as a teenager most encompassed my experience. Likewise, I had not listened to it in many years. In the 20 or so years that have passed since I last heard it, a lot has changed with me, and suffice to say, the song no longer means the same thing to me. It now seems more like some sort of sublingual self fulfilling prophesy. It upset me that I identify now with much more of the song, and it is not a good thing. The lyrics follow. I will get back on this train of thought shortly.

Dogs

by Pink Floyd

Animals, 1976

c. Pink Floyd: (Waters, Wright, Mason, Gilmour)



You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need

You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street

You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed

And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight

You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

And after a while, you can work on points for style

Like the club tie, and the firm handshake

A certain look in the eye, and an easy smile

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to

So that when they turn their backs on you

You'll get the chance to put the knife in.

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder

You know it's going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older

And in the end you'll pack up, fly down south

Hide your head in the sand

Just another sad old man

All alone and dying of cancer.

And when you loose control,

you'll reap the harvest that you've sown

And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone

And it's too late to loose the weight you used to need to throw around

So have a good drown, as you go down, alone

Dragged down by the stone.

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused

Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used

Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise

If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending

That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend

And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner

And everythings done under the sun

And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

Who was born in a house full of pain

Who was trained not to spit in the fan

Who was told what to do by the man

Who was broken by trained personnel

Who was fitted with collar and chain

Who was given a pat on the back

Who was breaking away from the pack

Who was only a stranger at home

Who was ground down in the end

Who was found dead on the phone

Who was dragged down by the stone.




not done; taking a break; finish this thought later

NEED NOT APPLY

Well, Crap!

Today was going pretty great until I realized that the HR Department had only called me for yet another phone screening, but since they did not reach me when they called, they moved on to the next applicant, and I missed the window of opportunity until at least November. The problem is is that the apartment lease is up in October, and doubt if it will be renewed. So need employment immediately. I made a number of online applications today, all for jobs I really do not want, but I know I have to accept the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial, how degrading, how low paid, or how far away. I am sick and freaking tired of employers turning me away because of the bullshit DV charge from my former client. I am not a violent person, and I did not do what she alleged. I simply told her that as long as she lived in my home that I could not have her self medicating with street drugs and alcohol and mouthwash when neither of the others was available. I never thought that I would lose my home and everything I owned to someone like that. I thought the laws were there to protect everyone. Instead, I found out that in this society the whole idea of Innocent until Proven Guilty is a farce. I lost my job, my home, everything of any value, my credentials, and over time, I have been losing hope a little at a time.

I even got turned down as a bouncer at a local tavern.... me, a 6' tall, 300 lb former cop with loads of experience, and Professional Assault Response Training. How can I go from having certification to carry a weapon, training to handle any situation, numerous work related seminars, certifications, and licenses, the physical size and strength to handle most labor jobs, and the intelligence to qualify me for the oldest High IQ organization in the world to a disabled and unemployed person who is getting turned down for every single job he has applied for in the past two years? The cost of living has kept on increasing, while my income hasn't. I guess maybe I am not as intelligent as I thought I was. But... on October 6th, I hear they are again testing in this area for membership to Mensa. I know I qualify, just never got around to taking the formalized test provided by the agency. All of my testing was done on pre employment screenings, the ASVAB, PSATs, SATs, etc. I guess I will pay the $40 and take the test for no other reason than it may look good on a resume.

I am incredibly discouraged right now, and am frustrated with the circumstances. I would be grinding my teeth if they had not already started falling out thanks to no insurance coverage.

FRESH BREATH

Yeah... Well! What can I say about the title of this entry? It was the first thing that popped into my head after I realized how long it has been since I blogged. I sort of wanted to convey in a couple words that I am still alive, well, and growing. What I ended up with is a Mentos Commercial. Oh well. I have one person that actually reads these things, and I hope that person is well. As for me... life moves on so rapidly sometimes, I find myself looking back and wondering "What the fuck was that?" I can't complain really though not for a lack of practice. I have spent so much of my life bitching about the myriad small annoyances that creep inevitably into everyones life, I sometimes forget my brother Joe's advice... the two rules for living as he called it... "1. Don't sweat the small shit. 2. It is all small shit." He was probably right. But, were he still alive, I would have to remind him that small or not, Shit still stinks generally. (Not mine of course!)

Anyway... this writing finds me looking at several areas of my life where I am not fully satisfied or even happy. One question keeps ringing in the back of my noggin; "So...; Whatchagonnadoboutitasshole?"

Several things generally weigh heavy on my mind on any given day.

In order of stress level (highest to lowest) they are:
Finances, Job (or lack thereof), my primary relationship, my physical health, my family, the future, legal obligations, basic needs.

Many years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on who I was and who/what I wanted to be. I had an image of myself in the future, and was content with that image. But life has a tendency to take us through many unexpected twists and turns. There is no planning for every contingency. In my teens I decided I would not get married until I was financially stable. RIiiighhht. Like that was actually going to happen. Love snuck up on me, and I was anything but secure. In fact, as I began dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I was homeless. I was not so much homeless in the sense that I was living on the streets. I had my truck, and a camper, and I basically chose to live like that because for a time, it was the most cost effective way to live. I was single, and my two dogs and I got by okay. We all took turns farting up the camper, so heat was never a problem. But the combination of airborne particles of poop vapors made the close quarters in the camper a bit unbearable at times. Okay.. okay.. too much info; I know. Suffice to say, while amusing to me to write about, it is mostly just a pointless distraction from what I really want to write about here.

Life is hard sometimes. I have a wonderful girlfriend right now, and if things go well, we will probably get married down the road. I don't care that I am not financially stable. What I do care about is her. She and I have so much in common, including the things we worry about. Finances being a biggie. Which brings me more or less to my point. Some years back, my health began to fail, and I was not able to work. Who ever expected me to have to go through heart surgery at age 37? Not me certainly. So, trying to live on a disability pension has not been easy. In fact, it downright sucked. So yesterday I finally get a call from the gal in personnel where I recently applied. In fact she called twice. (That's promising, right?) So tomorrow I call her to set up an interview. I am excited and scared at the same time. If I get the job, it means an end to the security of my pension, which is more than a lot of people make. But it also means a world of opportunity for me. It means putting my life as I know it on the line, taking a chance, hoping for the best, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe I will be able to take back control over my life. I have grown tired of feeling like a passive participant, having little control over the things that happen around me. I would rather hit the lottery, but I think a job would do my ego and self image a lot of good. I really could use a shot in the arm like this. As I understand it, it is an ISO 9000 company, and has a full benefit package. I have always kind of wanted a desk job, but ended up doing the more physical jobs. Now, if all goes well, I will be getting paid to talk, and work on the computer... two things I do a lot of already. It was not in my plan for my life, nor was living in the area I am. I grew up here, and always kind of hated it. Maybe now, I will find a reason to stay. I have no shortage of reasons to leave, but none of them are all that good.

I am anxiously looking forward to this opportunity for a new beginning. I have been needing a breath of freash air for a long while now. This may be just what the doctor ordered.