Well, for starters, I know I must be boring, because no one seems to read this blog much anymore. Okay, that was just pathetic. Certainly I want people to read this, and I enjoy getting comments, because they more or less reassure me that I am not completely alone. Then again, the reason I write this is more for me than for anyone else, so who cares if no one reads it? Apparently, I do.
Anyway, aside from that little whine, I really do have something I want to write about this morning, and I just do not know where to begin. My mind and heart it seams are all twisted up. Love, it seems, has a way of knotting up your insides and making things less clear. I am not a foolish man. I do not believe I am foolish. But time and time again, when it comes to matters of the heart, I seem to do foolish things. I know several things about myself, and forgive me for brainstorming here, but this is one outlet I have. I could talk to the people who I know care about me, but that has caused problems in the past.
I do not like being alone.
I want to be loved.
I want someone to share my life with, the good, and the bad.
I have a lot of love to share.
Someone has to appreciate what I have to offer.
It should not have to be this hard.
So, in the past, when there were struggles I was facing, I talked to the people I trusted. But that served only to alienate me from the person I loved. It hurt her feelings, and caused her to not trust me. She claims I stabbed her in the back not only by that, but also by writing about our relationship here in this blog. She claims that she has never talked to her friends and family about me.
The problem is, I am not a complete idiot. People being pretty much the same wherever you go, I know it is rare to find a person who never discusses any details with the people closest to them. For me, I talk to my sister and my ex wife. I trust them. I know they care about me, and sometimes I just need a sounding board as we all do to sort out my feelings. I believe everyone is much the same in that regard.
The object of my affection claims never to have shared personal details about us with her friends, but yesterday I learned that the secret of my minor foot fetish had gotten out somehow. Made me go hmm. I am not angry. But that does contradict what she has told me. If she shared that even by accident, how much else has she shared? The truth is, I do not care. I really have no secrets to speak of. I just struggle with the apparent inconsistency. Honesty and communication are extremely important to me. In a relationship, I expect honesty, respect, communication, and all the things that fall under these three things.
