WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Well, for starters, I know I must be boring, because no one seems to read this blog much anymore. Okay, that was just pathetic. Certainly I want people to read this, and I enjoy getting comments, because they more or less reassure me that I am not completely alone. Then again, the reason I write this is more for me than for anyone else, so who cares if no one reads it? Apparently, I do.

Anyway, aside from that little whine, I really do have something I want to write about this morning, and I just do not know where to begin. My mind and heart it seams are all twisted up. Love, it seems, has a way of knotting up your insides and making things less clear. I am not a foolish man. I do not believe I am foolish. But time and time again, when it comes to matters of the heart, I seem to do foolish things. I know several things about myself, and forgive me for brainstorming here, but this is one outlet I have. I could talk to the people who I know care about me, but that has caused problems in the past.

I do not like being alone.
I want to be loved.
I want someone to share my life with, the good, and the bad.
I have a lot of love to share.
Someone has to appreciate what I have to offer.
It should not have to be this hard.

So, in the past, when there were struggles I was facing, I talked to the people I trusted. But that served only to alienate me from the person I loved. It hurt her feelings, and caused her to not trust me. She claims I stabbed her in the back not only by that, but also by writing about our relationship here in this blog. She claims that she has never talked to her friends and family about me.

The problem is, I am not a complete idiot. People being pretty much the same wherever you go, I know it is rare to find a person who never discusses any details with the people closest to them. For me, I talk to my sister and my ex wife. I trust them. I know they care about me, and sometimes I just need a sounding board as we all do to sort out my feelings. I believe everyone is much the same in that regard.

The object of my affection claims never to have shared personal details about us with her friends, but yesterday I learned that the secret of my minor foot fetish had gotten out somehow. Made me go hmm. I am not angry. But that does contradict what she has told me. If she shared that even by accident, how much else has she shared? The truth is, I do not care. I really have no secrets to speak of. I just struggle with the apparent inconsistency. Honesty and communication are extremely important to me. In a relationship, I expect honesty, respect, communication, and all the things that fall under these three things.

THE BANKERS PRAYER

I found this today. Made me go "Hmm."


The Lord is my Dollar; I shall always want.

It maketh me profit off the hard work of others:

The dollar leadeth me by the nose.

It restoreth my black little heart:

The Dollar leadeth me down the road to oblivion.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will always know evil: for thou art with me;

thy stocks and bonds they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me with the fruits of other's labor:

thou clothe my body with fine threads;

my bank account runneth over.

Surely prosperity and mercilessness shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in a seat of power forever.



Amen

LOVE IS...

Your heart beating like a drum in your throat during the first kiss.
Intoxicating, Invigorating, and frustrating..... all at the same time.
A hug when there are no words left to say.
Two hearts beating as one.
Being unable to sleep when she is not there.
...revitalizing!
Holding your tongue when you know the words will hurt.
Giving up the last cookie.
A bubble bath and a candle on occasion.
The spark between two souls.
Comfort in each others arms.
Never saying a word about morning breath.
Chicken soup on sick days.
Midnight runs for ice cream.
Forgiving even when you don't feel like it.
Never Ambivalent.
Always worth it.

Please comment. I need help on this one.

TEARS, AGAIN. LOSS AND COMPRIMISE

I do not really know what I want to say. I just know I need to vent. I am not even sure what I can say as the object of my affections sometimes reads this. My last entry is a sore spot, and I do not wish to hurt her anymore, no matter how much I am hurting right now. Misunderstandings of days gone by are misunderstandings of today. Why? Well, simply because the communication is not as good as it should be. I tell her that I love her, and she says I love you too. I tell her that I want to marry her, and she admits that she wanted to marry me once upon a time. Now, however, and several times in the past several months, she has told me in no uncertain terms that she cannot, that she will not ever marry me.

Yet I continue to love her. I know better, but something in my heart won't let me let go. I hang on for dear life, but why? The relationship is apparently dead. During the last eight months since she called it off, I have clung to hope, and we have been on again/off again. Sadly, always coming back to the off position. I hate that. I believe with all my heart that she loves me, and believe that there is a future for us, but that it will take work. On the one hand I want to hang on. I want to believe in her, I want to believe in the power of "us". On the other hand, she seems to keep pushing me away. I suspect at times I know the reasons why, but who am I to judge her motives?

Again tonight, I am awake into the wee hours of the morning because I am troubled. I try to sort out my feelings, and all I find are more tears. As if I have not already cried enough the last year. I feel the loss, and I try to make a deal. I ask if I do this, or I do that, if it would make a difference. The answer is no. She wants it to be over. She wants to get the relationship with God right, she wants to stand on her own two feet. That is admirable. I respect her for that. But in the end, even I do not know the right thing to do in every case. But I know I will follow my heart. I know I have to be true to my nature. I will love her anyway. I will cry some more tears, and I will pray. God alone knows the outcome. My heart feels heavy and empty, like a piece of it is missing. She is, after all, My Peanut, and she means the world to me. At least you cannot die from a broken heart. It just feels like it.