Years End

I realize the need to update this thing, especially in that 2010 has been a real disappointment at least as far as my blog goes. I have hardly written at all. But, 2010 has been a great year for me... I am healthier than I have been in a long time, my attitude has improved, I am more active, and actually have somewhat of a life away from the computer. (I KNOW!) I have begun taking more photographs, and have made a few friends this past year, started going back to church and truly, for the most part have been enjoying life. I still have not blogged as often as I would have liked, and I have done no artwork.

I will be attempting to clean this up a little in the next few weeks or months. My web presence has gotten a little ... disorganized. I am hoping to take care of that as time goes on. In any case, it is my hope that 2011 provides me with many new adventures, a sense of fulfillment, and continued progress towards my personal goals.  I wish the same for each of you.

The Bitter Cold

It is cold outside, patches of frozen slush lie here and there beneath the trees that rise up from within the neighborhood like monolithic spires. The trees surround us here in Pheasant Park, like a mask, they both envelop and protect the neighborhood, towering mostly straight and tall above the homes and wetlands that lie beneath. Nearly invisible in satellite images, the quiet loops and cul de sacs are sheltered from the busy highway just a couple hundred meters away. Sheltered from light, noise, snow, and to a degree, even rain, the neighborhood is a testament to the dreams of the affluent people that lived here 40 years ago. It is a nice neighborhood, one way in, one way out, even the tires of the cars that venture past the NO OUTLET signs are muffled by the blanket of pine needles and leaves. The jays and the squirrels chatter at one another, while the herons wade through the wetlands. Residents walk their dogs to the end of the road and back, casually waving at each other as they pass. It is a nice neighborhood, and I am thankful beyond measure to be able to live here However, in the garage, where the spiders gather for their union meetings, plotting the eventual demise of the humans that also reside here, it is cold, dusty and unpleasant. This is where I have spent the last three days, scrubbing, cleaning, shuffling, moving, organizing, and stacking what seems like mountains of refuse. In short, I am not having very much fun.

Yet, I am glad not only for the place to live, and the kindness of the woman that rents to me, but also for the opportunity to do these chores which have been a welcome distraction from the myriad things on my mind. Too, I am looking forward to being able to go out into the garage and actually be able to move about freely and to be able to locate a tool or a box with relative ease. My landlord looks forward simply to being able to park her nearly $50k Volvo SUV out of the weather. We both look forward to being able to do things in the garage, ranging from painting, to carpentry, to pottery, to bike repair, and weightlifting. I marvel at my fortune to have landed such a place to live, and know it is part of a larger plan. It is that plan, and the personal struggles that I am having that occupy many of my thoughts lately.

The holidays generally are a difficult time for me, having little family around, and being uncomfortable around strangers. I miss having family around, and I miss being surrounded by those I love. Love itself is one of the things that troubles me. It adds to life, and makes it all worthwhile, but at the same time it can be so complicated, so confusing, and at times even empty and painful. A life without love is like thorns without a rose. Where is the reward for having to deal with all the pricks? (I know... my bad... but it seemed too apt to pass up on!)

I am in the middle... I think... of reinventing myself, of discovering who I am, and who God would have me be. I have always believed in God, but not always followed the rules. But as I reached my 40's, I really started coming into being. I know, without hesitation or reservation, that God has been actively working on me for quite some time... molding me, shaping me, leading me, preparing me for something big. Unfortunately, change never comes easily, though sometimes it comes quickly. In my case, I fight it, so it doesn't come all that quickly either. I guess I am just a slow study. Be that as it may, I have spent enough time in prayer and meditation to have realized that I am EXACTLY where I need to be at EXACTLY the right time. Even though I do not like it, I am supposed to be still, and wait. Continue what I am doing, and draw closer to God. That is what I know. However.... I have OCD and control issues, and relinquishing control for me is not easy. I want the things I want, and I want them now. I do not always understand why I have to wait. I am only recently learning how to apply something I have known for years. "Let go, and let God." Trusting people is difficult, and trusting God can be too. Especially if you are like me, and want to do things your own way.

Right now, I need to be out working in the garage, but I am sitting here typing. It is warmer in the house than in the garage. I want to continue with this thought, and am afraid if I stop, that I will not get back to it. Such, too, is the case with the garage. If I do not stop this, I will never complete that. Sigh* Wish me luck... This project and two others needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon. I will get back to writing a little later.

If you do happen to see this, please let me know you dropped by. I could really use the encouragement. Thanks, and have a great day, and a Happy Thanksgiving. Even if I do not want to celebrate, I do have a lot to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?

INSOMNIA

Middle of the night I should be dreaming, but awake....thoughts a streaming.

I dream of her, can't help it, I just do... Broken promises and dreams that won't come true.

Not intending to write a poem.... but 2:am, me up alone....

Wanting something... mostly not to dream.

Yeah, yeah.. hokey... but I was looking at a blank page at 2:00 in the morning. What the heck was I supposed to do? I began typing. Don't ask me for apologies. I have none.

In any failed love there are several things that hold true. One... there is always someone left behind. Two, whether or not we like to admit it, men tend to have a harder time bouncing back. Women talk, women cry, women move on. Men have less friends to talk to about it, and lets face it... most of our friends don't care to listen. We were all raised up to "suck it up" and pretend like we weren't hurt. But... in spite of our denial, we do hurt. Fact.

Anyway... my breakup has been going on for a very long time. Almost from our first kiss. I do not know why I fell so hard for this one... but I did. Now, it is time to heal and move on.... but every night when I go to sleep, she taunts me in my dreams. I really thought I had a handle on this thing. I know the relationship is dead, no chance of fixing it. The trust and respect are irretrievably broken, and there is no going back. What sort of a fool would I be if I did go back? Not that it is an option. She is still lying to me... still stringing me along, still trying to keep me at arms length... just in case things don't work out for her.... she tells me she loves me, that she will always be my friend... that she misses me... and even though she cheated on me, used me, lied to me, and blamed everything on me.... my stupid heart still wants her. So... at night, when I should be asleep, wishing it were in her arms, I am awake, having a battle between my head and my heart. My head knows that this is all bullshit. I know I need to let it go and move on. But my heart.... stupid thing... just won't let me. If she were to read this, she would get upset... call it hurtful, and tell me that I was being mean, and how she could not believe how hurtful I was being.

I love her... but, I really don't give a shit what she thinks anymore. Let her parade around with her mock hurt and tell me how mean I am being... when I am the one who was lied to, betrayed, and cheated on. I wish her no harm, no ill will, but I feel sorry for the next guy. He is gonna need some really broad shoulders if he is gonna carry her baggage around for her.

Here is the catch... someday she may see this... or someone may tell her about it. But while my heart is hurt, my head is angry. Later maybe... big maybe, I can be her friend. But first, I am gonna expect her to treat me like one instead of breaking one promise after another. A certain amount of let down is expected.. but a short list.... lets just focus on one thing... Dependability. She promised to get me to my sons wedding. FAIL. She promised to get me to my mothers grave on Mom's birthday. FAIL. She promised to get me to a job interview on time. FAIL. She promised to love me and be my friend forever... kind of hard to do when she never stopped looking while we were living together, cheated on me while we were together, many times.... lied to me, led me on, used me, and then, when things were not going her way, made me feel like I was the bad guy. If that is love and friendship... count me out.

UPDATE

I have been remiss in my responsibilities at least as far as blogging goes. I have been busier than normal, happier than normal, healthier than normal. In short, the move was a very good one for me. Met CrazyDogMomma this past month for lunch as she passed through on her move to California. Best wishes go out to her. She is likely settled in by now.

Life is good. If I could just get my financial under control, I would say that I am in the best shape overall in a very long time. Better in some areas, healthier in others. I do not recall simply enjoying life as much as I have recently, in a good number of years. I know I should post more, but really, for now.. that is the best I have. And Bruce.... Looking forward to the pics from Burning Man 2010.

BAGGAGE NO MORE

My first major move away from home, I left with the contents of one large cardboard box, the clothes on my back and my car. By the time I got married 10 years later, I had a full storage unit and I think and 2 vehicles.
A divorce brought me down to a two bedroom apartment floor to ceiling full of stuff. Unforeseen events brought that back down to a small storage unit full of stuff, and the clothes on my back. Now here it is, 25 years after that very first move, and I have another storage unit, but everything I own fit into one small bedroom. As I am going through it now, I am determined to reduce the crap to as little as possible. It is not that I can't take it with me; I no longer want to.

TIRED BUT NOT SICK, NOT YET.

I have not been writing. Life kinda got in the way. It happens. I have a pack full of troubles, like stones, dragging me down, hunching me over, busting my back, wearing me out, and breaking my heart. Okay... I am being overly dramatic. So, sue me! It is not as bad as all that. But I am very tired, and am finding less and less strength to face these things.

The move... I could write about that. But moving to Oregon is not my biggest problem. Who knows? I may actually like it. I have never actually lived there. Worked there, yes. But as a rule, I have never liked Oregon, because I did not know it. Turns out it is every bit as pretty as Washington, with a lot of places to see, and things to do. I am beginning to look forward to the move, but still have apprehensions.

What I want to write about, I cannot. Suffice to say, I am facing a dilemma which I am finding very taxing and emotionally draining. I am doing the right thing hopefully for the right reasons, but am realizing that the opportunity cost of either choice I make is rather steep. All I can do is pray it will work out for the best in the end.

MOVING OUT

To the few people that follow this blog, please accept my abject apologies for letting so much time pass between entries. I suppose it is simply a matter of priorities, and I have not made this enough of a priority to write in. Same applies to my journals. Life, it seems keeps getting in the way. The irony in that statement lies in the fact that I actually do not have a life.

However, for health reasons galore, emotional, physical, financial, I am moving out of the self imposed prison in which I have lived for the past 18 months. Last November, I moved in with a friend whom I have known for 30 years. Apparently somewhere along the line, I quit knowing him. Since moving in, even though basically he is still good people, his personal issues have made life for me here unbearable. So much so that I spend 95% of my time locked in my room. His drug use, drinking, relationships, attitudes, moodiness, and anger at virtually everything in the world has made my existence here a living hell. Not that it was a bad deal, but it was not equitable or fair. It was never my home. It was never my place. The lack of respect in certain areas made me feel taken advantage of.

Now, one month out, I plan on moving out of state into a new home, which I only hope is better than this one. I have taken my time finding a place, and asking every conceivable question of my new room mate. It seems like a good deal, and I am hopeful and fearful at the same time. It means a major change in the way I have been living across the board, and my biggest fear I think is trading one bad situation for another. Ultimately, I think I need to find a small place by myself. But for now, I have to keep things affordable. The heavy stuff gets moved today. This concerns me. I used to be the strongest person I knew,but as time has passed since the heart surgery, I am finding myself not as able to handle the heavy lifting I once did. I need to eventually opt for higher quality, yet lighter furniture. At least I am getting out of this second story apartment, and moving into a single level house. I hope for the best, but still fear the worst. I am angry at myself for feeling this way, but apparently, I have been conditioned to be like this. I know how and what happened, but feel impotent to change the defects in myself that cause the difficulties I face.

I guess the best I can do for right now is to move ahead, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and ask those that do care about me to pray for only good things.

REALIZATION

Talking with a friend this morning, I realized something important. I will write about it later.

"In the beginning I was seeking redemption. In the end, I found it in an unlikely place: from within me, not from the people I was seeking it from."

TIRED (another poem)

I am tired of picking myself up
time and time again.
I thought that if I had just love
the world would be a nicer place to be in.

I am tired of love, I am tired of hurt,
I am tired of all these tears.
I am tired of hope, I am tired of trust,
I am tired of all of my fears.

I am tired of always feeling the loss
of someone I used to love.
I am tired of people who say it will work out
If I trust in God up above.

I have spent my whole life, doing just that,
wanting and waiting to live.
I have searched high and low, near and far,
and gave all I had to give.

I wander this world feeling alone
grasping at wisps of smoke
Such are the hopes of lasting love
While my heart quietly broke.