INSOMNIA

Middle of the night I should be dreaming, but awake....thoughts a streaming.

I dream of her, can't help it, I just do... Broken promises and dreams that won't come true.

Not intending to write a poem.... but 2:am, me up alone....

Wanting something... mostly not to dream.

Yeah, yeah.. hokey... but I was looking at a blank page at 2:00 in the morning. What the heck was I supposed to do? I began typing. Don't ask me for apologies. I have none.

In any failed love there are several things that hold true. One... there is always someone left behind. Two, whether or not we like to admit it, men tend to have a harder time bouncing back. Women talk, women cry, women move on. Men have less friends to talk to about it, and lets face it... most of our friends don't care to listen. We were all raised up to "suck it up" and pretend like we weren't hurt. But... in spite of our denial, we do hurt. Fact.

Anyway... my breakup has been going on for a very long time. Almost from our first kiss. I do not know why I fell so hard for this one... but I did. Now, it is time to heal and move on.... but every night when I go to sleep, she taunts me in my dreams. I really thought I had a handle on this thing. I know the relationship is dead, no chance of fixing it. The trust and respect are irretrievably broken, and there is no going back. What sort of a fool would I be if I did go back? Not that it is an option. She is still lying to me... still stringing me along, still trying to keep me at arms length... just in case things don't work out for her.... she tells me she loves me, that she will always be my friend... that she misses me... and even though she cheated on me, used me, lied to me, and blamed everything on me.... my stupid heart still wants her. So... at night, when I should be asleep, wishing it were in her arms, I am awake, having a battle between my head and my heart. My head knows that this is all bullshit. I know I need to let it go and move on. But my heart.... stupid thing... just won't let me. If she were to read this, she would get upset... call it hurtful, and tell me that I was being mean, and how she could not believe how hurtful I was being.

I love her... but, I really don't give a shit what she thinks anymore. Let her parade around with her mock hurt and tell me how mean I am being... when I am the one who was lied to, betrayed, and cheated on. I wish her no harm, no ill will, but I feel sorry for the next guy. He is gonna need some really broad shoulders if he is gonna carry her baggage around for her.

Here is the catch... someday she may see this... or someone may tell her about it. But while my heart is hurt, my head is angry. Later maybe... big maybe, I can be her friend. But first, I am gonna expect her to treat me like one instead of breaking one promise after another. A certain amount of let down is expected.. but a short list.... lets just focus on one thing... Dependability. She promised to get me to my sons wedding. FAIL. She promised to get me to my mothers grave on Mom's birthday. FAIL. She promised to get me to a job interview on time. FAIL. She promised to love me and be my friend forever... kind of hard to do when she never stopped looking while we were living together, cheated on me while we were together, many times.... lied to me, led me on, used me, and then, when things were not going her way, made me feel like I was the bad guy. If that is love and friendship... count me out.