Truth... why is it that something so simple, so basic, so pure, not entirely unlike Love, Why does it have to be so subjective? Why is it that something as simple as honesty and truth can get lost in the shuffle? Why is it okay for a person to accuse another of dishonesty while boldly lying themself?
I really had other things I wanted to write about, happier things, but instead, the truth got in the way. So, if you find yourself reading this, and thinking, "Gee! He sounds angry!" That would be true. I am very angry today. I feel hurt, and betrayed, and used, and... dismissed. That is why this lengthy... (oh yes! It will be very lengthy!) blog is going to read a lot differently than any of my previous entries. It will look different, and sound different precisely because I am angry, and I have no other place to vent this complex hodge podge vomitus of emotion. It has to go somewhere, these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings.... I have to direct this somewhere constructive. If I had the money, I would take this all to my class that I need to get back to. Problem is, everything that I learned from the class, and I learned a lot, everything I learned is being tested. The best I can do right now is to acknowledge that I am in fact angry, and that I have a right to be angry. I do not, in my anger, have the right to be abusive or controlling of anyone else, and I am angry enough to stammer..... I cannot effectively articulate verbally how I am feeling. This is why I am sharing a part of me I have not shared so openly, so publicly before.
It is not always easy to admit when you make mistakes, and Lord knows I have made a large number of real doozies in my lifetime. I have learned a lot from my mistakes over the years, and by and large, I would not change a thing. I am older now than I have ever been before (talk about an astute observation.. D'oh!) and I would like to think I have aquired a little wisdom along the way. The reason I would not change much if anything in my past is because I realize that the man I am today is a product of the lessons I have learned, and the experiences I have had. It has taken me a lifetime to get to where I am, and I am glad to say that on the whole I finally like the man I see in the mirror. That is not to say that I am completely happy with the results of my choices, or the painful nature of some of the consequences of those decisions, both good and bad. Even at 40 something, a man can experience "growing pains".
Reality Check: Whether or not we like it, life is all about learning from our mistakes, trying very hard not to make the same mistakes again, and whenever possible, to share the lessons learned with our children, and those who may benefit from our experiences. I hated it when I was young, and my elders addressed me with phrases like, "Do as I say, Not as I do", or "Do you think I like the sound of my own voice?" (the answer to that question was in itself a learning experience..... case in point, when your father asks that question, whatever you do, it is in your best interest to resist the urge to respond in the affirmative; Instead, a simple "No Sir" will suffice nicely!) The thing to remember is that they are generally speaking from some sort of personal experience, and I, for one, choose to believe that in the majority of instances where one hears these types of phrases, the speaker really is trying to save us a lot of trouble down the road they have already travelled. One day, we too will attempt to pass our combined knowledge on to those who in our eyes would most benefit from hearing it. Are you buying this? I digress, I am getting off track a bit. Moving On.....
Mistakes... I have made my share plus several. Some of them were memorable enough to impact the rest of my life and the choices that followed. In no area did I make more mistakes than in my lovelife and my relationships. Sadly, those mistakes generally had the highest personal cost, which was not limited to how they affected me. When a person is involved in a relationship with another, the potential for hurt feelings and heartbreak to be felt by others is significantly more than if you were to lead a hermit's lifestyle. It is often referred to as a ripple effect. In my class, I learned to refer to it as collateral. We do not always intend to say and do things to hurt others It just happens.
I have tried to be a better man than I used to be. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of time in the Bible. I have journalled extensively, and I have opened my life up to anyone who cares to look, and my heart up to those that gave me hope. I look at myself in the mirror and see a milder, somewhat diffused version of the man I once was. I am less prone to anger, and more prone to discussion. I cannot look at myself in the same way as I once did, not do most people. Even my Ex Wife has noticed the changes in me, and marvelled at the change, something she never thought she would see.
