Current mood:
highOne of the things about me that only those closest to me get to realize is that I tend to have self esteem issues. At least that has always been the case in the past. I do not really want to complain about my lot in life, though I have, even though sometimes I get down about events and circumstances which I have little if any control over. It has taken me all of my life to learn that I may not have any control over the things around me, the things that get me down, but I do have control over how I choose to respond to them.
Ago vita, non res. (Live life, not circumstances.)
I really wish this was something that had sunk in years ago, but slow learner or not, the lessons I have learned have created in me a better person than I might have been otherwise. At the very least I have substantial experience how not to do things, having fairly consistently made the wrong choices for much of my life.
I used to feel sorry for myself, always somehow feeling like the people around me, the world at large, was somehow out to get me. I allowed my feelings of inadequacy, and my low self esteem to get in my way of ever really accomplishing anything. Superficially it would appear to others that I was doing okay, but inside, I was a mess. But being somewhat brighter than the average 40 watt person, I was quite adept at concealing it when the mood served me. A long chain of doctors and counsellors tried and failed to help me, never agreeing on a single diagnosis.
Perhaps they should have listened to the people that were closest to me. People like my wife, people like Kat, people like my sister. But even I refused to listen to them even though I knew they were probably right. I knew there was something wrong in the way I viewed myself and the world around me. Either I was in the middle of a huge conspiracy designed to make me question my reality, or something inside me was not quite right.
Ut verum diligo alius , primoris diligo vestri verum. (To love others, first love yourself.)
I am not extraordinary. Extraordinarily bright, sure! Extraordinarily talented, perhaps when I apply myself. Extraordinarily good looking, Abso-freakin'-lutely! I have always known that there was something special about me, something that set me apart from the majority of my peers. Once, perhaps a long time ago, back when I was young and the world was an oyster at my feet, I could have been anything. But that self image thing kept sneaking up and biting me in the ass.
My old man was a bastard. I do not know what in the hell was wrong with him, but he did not like me, and the abuse I suffered from him left a long series of deep and painful scars that no one else would ever see. Of course, back then child abuse was a different thing. It was as though the system top protect children was still in its infancy. Not that the system works any better now, but at least it recognizes emotional abuse as just as damaging as physical abuse.
I would love to be able to articulate the damage that was done to me. I would love to pretend it never happened. Actually, I have spent many years doing just that. But now, I have a choice. I can either continue living as I have, and be miserable for the rest of my life, or I can open my eyes and realize that perhaps not everything is as dark as it once seemed. It could go either way.... the difference being the choice. I have a choice how I choose to respond.
This has been a long time coming. It has taken a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying, a ton of heartache, and a lot of love and support from a handful of people. I did not take this trip alone, and I really need to thank those that saw me through it. I am not all better yet.... I still have problems. But thanks to the lessons I have learned, the support of people like Donna, who has been there since like forever, my wife who tried to tell me I did not listen, Kat, who has been an incredible source of inspiration and support since I met her, and my counsellor Jeremy, who mostly just listens a lot; thanks to people like these, I think I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
The last couple years have seen me through a lot of change. Major heart surgery, a painful separation and pending divorce, numerous health problems, and most recently my experience with Kat. I am seeing glimmerings of a man I barely recognize. I catch myself out of the corner of my eye, and see myself differently than before. The man I am seeing now, a little more often, I actually like the guy. Maybe it is all a part of growing up. But I actually kinda like the man I am turning into. He is a very likable fella. People seem to trust him, to open up to him, to laugh around him because he makes them feel comfortable. He has a handful of the most incredible loving friends, and he is a truly fortunate man.
I wonder what ever happened to the guy he is replacing?
If you come back tomorrow, maybe the old Jeffery will be around and you can listen to him piss and moan about everything, but he is not home right now. I am kind of hoping he stays out all night so I can get some sleep.
