Fuck. Yep that's the word I am looking for. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I am aware how crass and stupid that sounds, but considering I am once again awake in the middle of the night, wanting to be asleep, but stuck with my eyes open, there is no better word or phrase to describe how I feel.
I am tired. Dead dog tired. I am running low on both energy and frustration. For some time now, my sleep patterns have been interrupted to say the least. Every 2 hours, like clockwork I shoot awake, sometimes as a result of my arrhythmia, but usually for no reason. The last couple days, I have been having bad dreams to boot. So here I am. Already frustrated about not getting any sleep, and I am irritated too because .... I suppose it does not really matter.
I want out. I want out of my lease, out of my apartment, out of my dreams, and out of my life. Sounds worse than it is, but sometimes each of those statements are true. For the past twenty minutes, my sister has been lurking behind me watching every word I type. Now, I doubt if she can read then from where she is standing, but then again, who knows? I no sooner typed that than she announced that she was going back to bed because she "must be bothering me".
I know she means well, but the circumstances that brought me here essentially left me no other choices. This was the best choice at the time. Now, I wonder, Was it Really? The fact of the matter is, she was bothering me. I hate it when she lurks. I have no privacy here, and I am certain she has issues with me as well. Nevertheless, every time I wake up, she is up a few minutes later. (I suppose my typing wakes her) She lurks into my room, and justs stands there for minutes on end staring at the back of my head. I hate that. She gets pissed at me if I do not call to check in when I am out. I am 41 years old, and feel like she is treating me like I am a three year old kid. She is not my mother, and she is not my wife, and I do not appreciate feeling like I should feel guilty for somehow not involving her in everything I do. It is not as though I have an exciting life, but it is mine, and I should be entitled to some privacy in the things I do.
It is not that I have anything to hide either, to the contrary, I am pretty fucking open about nearly every aspect of my life.
My Health: Not so good really. I am 41, and have been suffering with arrhythmia every day for the past 3 years. I have had triple bypass surgery, and let's face it, on the one hand the surgeons and physicians saved my life. However, on the other hand, I should have been able to expect that my chest should not be popping all over the place and causing me pain by now. I should have been able to expect some improvement in the way my heart behaves and feels. I am a brittle diabetic, and need help to keep my sugars under control. I have obstructive sleep apnea, and am on CPAP therapy. Some days, the neuropathy is so bad, I can barely walk. I use a cane, as much for balance as anything, and wounds barely heal. On the whole, my health leaves a lot to be desired.
My personal growth: A lot of shit has happened. The least of which was losing my home and its contents to a woman I was a paid care provider for in my own home. The legal ramifications, the financial responsibility, and all the crap I was ordered to do by the court system. aside from being biased and wrong, have provided me with opportunities for growth as a person. I hate that it came at such great personal cost, but I am thankful that I have grown as a person, and like the man I am now. I talk of this readily to those who would listen.
My spiritual development: I am simply thankful for all of my blessings across the board, and believe wholly in a God who loves me. There was a time when I was sort of a "closet Christian". I believed, but you could not tell by looking. I gave little or no indication to others of my beliefs. It was personal to me, and I was pretty self centered, self conscious, and hated doing anything that brought attention to me.
My Relationships: Well, obviously, I need to work on the relationship with my sister. At least so far as to set up some personal boundaries. I guess I need to address issues of assertiveness. I need to be more assertive with the people around me, less concerned about not hurting peoples feelings, at least to the degree where my own feelings get overlooked. Most of the relationships surrounding my family need at least some work. We are not exactly a closely knit family.
My marriage ended back in July, and I have spoken to my ex wife once since the divorce was final. We have not been together in over three years, but I still care very deeply for her, and miss her terribly. I suppose this is normal. But at the same time, I have met someone who I very much enjoy spending time with. She seems to accept me how I am, and appreciates the effort I am making to change much of the crap that got in the way of my having healthy relationships in the past.
I do not know precisely which direction this friendship is going, but there does seem to be potential for a whole lot more. That is not to say that there will not be problems. I already see that communication will be an area that requires constant attention. I have a big mouth, a truly twisted sense of humor, and often speak without thinking. Oh yeah... I know... my brother Joe used to give me crap about my CPAP, especially after the doctor ordered me a chinstrap to keep my mouth shut while on the machine. It seems I probably could use it in other areas of my life, especially since the latch that is supposed to keep my mouth shut does not seem to work, or may be missing. (It's a joke... the latch is figurative) I have a thought, and out it spills. May need to work on my judgement too, since I spend a fair amount of time apologizing for hurting people's feelings with the at times incredibly off the wall things I say.
I could write several paragraphs about this wonderful woman who is responsible for bringing so many smiles to my life lately, but think for now, I should exercise some discretion. After all, the relationship at this time is complicated. Anything I say about it now could be premature. She does consider me her boyfriend, but I am not ready to place a title on the relationship yet. Like I said, there are some complications. Nevertheless, short of saying "I Love You", I am developing strong feelings for her, and she most definitely matters to me. I just can't write about it in great detail yet, for her sake mostly. Loose ends and all to tidy up. But as we progress from "just friends" to "something more", I will be writing in here. For the time being, I intend on spending as much time as I can getting to know this woman, being there for her as a friend, supporting her as best I can as she takes care of the things she has to. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, and this is no exception. If I do intend on this relationship developing into a mature, nurturing, God-centered relationship, I know there are many things I need to do. I owe it to God, to her, to her son, and to myself.
