What time is it?
Current mood: 
thankful
Category: Life
Here it is, 2:30 in the morning, and I should be in bed sleeping. Instead I find myself awake wishing I were able to sleep. This happens from time to time; I lay down and close my eyes and my mind begins racing at somewhat less than a million miles an hour. In the darkness, my world spins resolutely out of control, faster and faster until my eyes snap open and I realize it is going to be another one of those nights. I hate insomnia. I have only two choices; 1. Lay there and hope I burn a fuse and basically pass out from exhaustion, or 2. Get up and occupy myself until my thoughts grind to a stop. Neither approach is particularly effective, but here I am anyway.
Yesterday was a long day, one of many long days in a row making up this incredibly long month. Kat has been in the hospital for the greater part of the last seven or so weeks. I know it is difficult on her being in the hospital; I know she hates it. But the fact is, right now anyway, that she is where she needs to be right now. The infection, and the fever, and the pain are all too much for us to handle here at home. At least in the hospital she is getting the antibiotics and medicines she needs to beat this pneumonia, get her lungs clear, and get the rest she needs to heal.
I need to be up in just a few hours if I am to make it to the hospital early enough to talk to the doctor, and get these POA papers filled out. I don't like the responsibility of having to have her power of attorney, but I know what to do when the time comes, so I am really the only practical choice. Even so, knowing I will eventually be the one that has to decide to just let her go, to order the doctors to stand down on any treatment beyond comfort measures, it is a sobering thought. What a great responsibilty it is, ultimately having the final say in letting her die.... thankfully I have my faith, and I believe that God will provide for each of us in His time. But I never wanted this responsibility.
Notice on my main page I dropped reference to Martin Luther in my Heros section in favor of Kat. She is the most resilient, most stubborn, most hard headed, determined, frustrating, and difficult woman I have ever met. I have more respect for her than I can easily articulate. She may be many things, but she is neither a quitter nor someone to feel sorry for. She has many, many physical problems, any one of which is potentially life threatening. Yet she keeps coming back for more. Not unlike a cat with it's proverbial nine lives, she appears to have nine lives times nine lives. But it is taking its toll on her tiny frame. She can not easily keep food down, and is taking nourishment via TPN. She is underweight, and fighting against her own body which is slowly but surely advancing toward death. So much so, in fact, that many doctors have made the call to notify her family that she was not going to make it, only to have her time and time again prove them wrong. (You gotta admire someone with a spirit so strong.) Her will to live is unbelievable. But eventually she will be able to fight no more and the light of a wonderful life will be extinguished.
I am thankful beyond measure for all the things I have gained through knowing her. She has become a source of strength and inspiration to me, and I am the one supposedly caring for her. Sometimes it seems like it is actually the other way around. I will treasure this time, no matter how difficult, forever. I believe fully that God has a wonderful purpose for her that she has to go through all this. I thank Him every day for bringing her into my life. I am a better man by far now than I was even a year ago.
To think my wife has said that I will never change. It has taken a lot, but I have changed, and am continuing to change every day. The man my wife left would never have considered doing this for another person. The man I am now is simply a better man. Sure, I still have all the same basic problems I had before, but I have been addressing them in counseling, and have been facing them with Kat. Every day she reminds me how lucky I am to have as many good friends as I do, as many people who truly love me as I do. I would like to feel sorry for myself from time to time, but with Kat around, that is not easy to do. She has a way of putting things into perspective for me. I really do have a lot to be thankful for, including her.
