"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"
Anonymous
I have not been writing in my blog as often as I perhaps should. I have been rather distracted by my personal life. In typical form, I have been over-thinking and over-analyzing things. I have come to a point where I feel pretty good about things in general, and like the man I am becoming. I see the change, other people observe the change, ergo, I must be changing. Change does not come easy for me, and I realize today the need for yet another change. At least in regards to my relationships. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.
I just learned how to truly communicate honestly, openly, and unabashedly about my feelings. "My Feelings..." I guess it is is a little selfish of me to think it important to be able to communicate how I feel. The thing is, much of my life I was counseled to "let go of my feelings" to "quit holding them in", to just "say how I feel", and to "allow people in". At one point, I was standoffish and reclusive, shy and timid to the point of letting people walk all over me while I allowed all my hurts, pains, and frustrations to fester into anger.
Pretty cool, huh? A former "anger junkie" comes clean. Well... you know what I have to say about that? Poop. Nothing more, nothing less, just Poop. I do not want to think of myself as an anger junkie. I don't. Who would? I do not waste my time with drugs, why would I waste my time with anger? Good question. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and in this remarkable period of clarity I have been experiencing, I have been coming up with at least some startling answers. I have also come up with a couple more equally troubling questions.
Observation number 1.
If it is as they say, "Time is money" why is time so valuable? Of all the resources we have, time is the most valuable. It is the only resource that is not replenishable. Each one of us knows that our time is limited. In each of our lifetimes, we only have a given amount of time, the exact length and duration of which being unknown, but the finality looms inevitably in the distance. Death is tangible. We only have one shot through this thing we call life, and there are no second chances. When our time is gone, it is gone.
Observation number 2.
The value of love. Love is another resource we can never have too much of. But it is replenishable. We can always choose to love, whether or not we are loved in return. I have learned that there is an immutable truth about love. We have all heard it said that "it takes money to make money", and "In order to have a friend, one must first be a friend." This rule can be applied across the board about most everything.
- In order to have trust, One must first trust.
- In order to have love, one must first love.
- In order to .... fill in the blank. (Ad infinitum, ad nauseaum)
It is always worth it, to take the chance on love. Things may not work out. You may get hurt (you probably will). You may be disappointed. But... in my opinion, for the hope of love, it is worth it always. It is your choice. You can try to hide your head in the sand hoping not to get hurt, and end up looking as silly as an ostritch. OR... you can take a chance, put yourself on the line, and risk getting hurt... in the hopes of love. I choose the latter.
Okay, so obviously I have some free time on my hands right now to consider these things. Where did this time come from? I am no longer living with my girlfriend. According to her, she has not been my girlfriend since Valentines Day. Okay, it is not that she did not make herself clear in February. She made herself quite clear. However, I did not give up. I continued to talk to her, profess my love to her, try to talk to her, and even though it has been difficult at times, I have continued to love her anyway. A choice I have made before, and likely will make again in order to maintain my sanity. It occurs to me now that In this area I have been having controlling behaviors, and as such, I need to address this area in my life and elicit a change, because these behaviors are not acceptable to me. I had not realized it before now, and therefore, it is good that I wrote about this today.
Observation number 4.
Everything in life is transitory. Everything can be lost or taken away. But, when you give away love, that cannot be taken from you. ~ME~
I have learned through my experience that even love can be transitory. A person can rescind their love. When my wife left me for the last time, and as she drove away, I hoped and strained to see if she would look back, or even glance back in the mirror. She did neither. As my last hope faded that I could save the relationship, I realized that even if she no longer loved me, I could still love her. As I write that now, I realize how pathetic that sounds. I was pathetic. Maybe I still am. But, I am changing, and that moment was crucial to the beginning of that change.
Life went on. It always does. Two years passed before I saw my wife again. In the few seconds it took the Judge to sign the papers, our 12 year marriage ended. It was then that I realized that she was still angry at me. But I still held feelings for her, and even the divorce could not take those feelings away. Who was I fooling? Another two years have passed since the divorce was final, and I have moved on again. But some pretty remarkable changes have occured in my life in those two years. I fell in love again with another woman, and I thought she was "The One". This is the woman and the relationship I am struggling with now.
However, during the last two years I have taken a class that has changed the way I see things, and has helped me to change the way I respond to people. It is because of that class that I now realize that even though I am no longer angry and abusive, I still struggle with control issues. I really thought I was doing much better in that regard, but with this realization comes the determination to change my behavior. I really am glad for that class now. I cannot believe I am saying that considering how resistant I was to being in that class in the first place. But I am realizing that with the ending of that class, came the beginning of a new life for me. I realize that I can even now benefit from returning to those classes. I am sure that Brad will be pleased that I am still benefitting from his class.
Anyway, as a man I have been conditioned from childhood to believe that feelings are a sign of weakness. Growing up, men are (or at least used to be) misinformed that it is not okay for a man to cry. We are drilled with the mistaken belief pattern that we are supposed to be in charge, in control. We are given many adages to fuel this misconception. "A man's home is his castle" is but one such adage. It is little wonder that the county courts are filled to the brim with domestic violence cases, with divorce cases, and with restraining orders. The "sins of the father" are often visited upon the son, and are often repeated from generation to generation. At some point a man must stand up and say "No More!" How long must violence be a generational curse? It is not that we do not know any better, but old habits are hard to break. We see our fathers and the men in our young lives acting a certain way, and our impressionable young minds believe that is the way we treat people. Anger is something that is also learned. If we are not given the tools we need to handle conflict early on, the conflict may become a way of life. Then, all of these things, the anger, the abuse, and the violence must be unlearned. Changing a behavior once established is difficult, especially when it is entrenched within our identities and our belief systems.
Looking back at the change in my life, I wonder how I made it as far as I did without getting in trouble with the law. I wonder how these attitudes and behaviors, now abhorrent to me, were once something I accepted, and expected my wife and girlfriends to accept. The hard part is that the reality of the situation is that women who were abused as children, often subconsciously seek out abusers as prospective mates, and again the cycle of abuse continues. Why is it that we gravitate towards each other? What invisible force draws us to each other? My experience, and discussions I have had only substantiate this belief. I have heard women question "Why they are drawn to "bad boys" or controlling men over and over again?"
The responsibility to change rests not only on the men in these relationships, but also the women. I am sorry, but in every relationship it takes two. One person cannot fight alone, and they cannot change alone. Both people must set a standard of what is and is not acceptable behavior in their relationship. Whether it is simply a rule to fight fair, or an understanding that when all else fails, one or both of the people needs to have a way of disengaging before it escalates out of control. Even the Bible instructs us not to let the sun set on our anger. I have learned that it is never acceptable to abuse or control another person in a relationship.
Life is a process, and throughout our lives, change is a constant. It happens whether or not we want it to. Things change, circumstances change, times change, relationships change, and in order to keep up, we ourselves must change as well. I only hope that one day I find someone who appreciates the amount of effort, the amount of heartbreak, and the amount of love it has taken for me to make these changes in myself, and what it takes for me to continue changing my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. As in any addictive behavior, it requires a great deal of determination, support, and prayers to be successful.
