Your heart beating like a drum in your throat during the first kiss.
Intoxicating, Invigorating, and frustrating..... all at the same time.
A hug when there are no words left to say.
Two hearts beating as one.
Being unable to sleep when she is not there.
...revitalizing!
Holding your tongue when you know the words will hurt.
Giving up the last cookie.
A bubble bath and a candle on occasion.
The spark between two souls.
Comfort in each others arms.
Never saying a word about morning breath.
Chicken soup on sick days.
Midnight runs for ice cream.
Forgiving even when you don't feel like it.
Never Ambivalent.
Always worth it.
Please comment. I need help on this one.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
TEARS, AGAIN. LOSS AND COMPRIMISE
I do not really know what I want to say. I just know I need to vent. I am not even sure what I can say as the object of my affections sometimes reads this. My last entry is a sore spot, and I do not wish to hurt her anymore, no matter how much I am hurting right now. Misunderstandings of days gone by are misunderstandings of today. Why? Well, simply because the communication is not as good as it should be. I tell her that I love her, and she says I love you too. I tell her that I want to marry her, and she admits that she wanted to marry me once upon a time. Now, however, and several times in the past several months, she has told me in no uncertain terms that she cannot, that she will not ever marry me.
Yet I continue to love her. I know better, but something in my heart won't let me let go. I hang on for dear life, but why? The relationship is apparently dead. During the last eight months since she called it off, I have clung to hope, and we have been on again/off again. Sadly, always coming back to the off position. I hate that. I believe with all my heart that she loves me, and believe that there is a future for us, but that it will take work. On the one hand I want to hang on. I want to believe in her, I want to believe in the power of "us". On the other hand, she seems to keep pushing me away. I suspect at times I know the reasons why, but who am I to judge her motives?
Again tonight, I am awake into the wee hours of the morning because I am troubled. I try to sort out my feelings, and all I find are more tears. As if I have not already cried enough the last year. I feel the loss, and I try to make a deal. I ask if I do this, or I do that, if it would make a difference. The answer is no. She wants it to be over. She wants to get the relationship with God right, she wants to stand on her own two feet. That is admirable. I respect her for that. But in the end, even I do not know the right thing to do in every case. But I know I will follow my heart. I know I have to be true to my nature. I will love her anyway. I will cry some more tears, and I will pray. God alone knows the outcome. My heart feels heavy and empty, like a piece of it is missing. She is, after all, My Peanut, and she means the world to me. At least you cannot die from a broken heart. It just feels like it.
Yet I continue to love her. I know better, but something in my heart won't let me let go. I hang on for dear life, but why? The relationship is apparently dead. During the last eight months since she called it off, I have clung to hope, and we have been on again/off again. Sadly, always coming back to the off position. I hate that. I believe with all my heart that she loves me, and believe that there is a future for us, but that it will take work. On the one hand I want to hang on. I want to believe in her, I want to believe in the power of "us". On the other hand, she seems to keep pushing me away. I suspect at times I know the reasons why, but who am I to judge her motives?
Again tonight, I am awake into the wee hours of the morning because I am troubled. I try to sort out my feelings, and all I find are more tears. As if I have not already cried enough the last year. I feel the loss, and I try to make a deal. I ask if I do this, or I do that, if it would make a difference. The answer is no. She wants it to be over. She wants to get the relationship with God right, she wants to stand on her own two feet. That is admirable. I respect her for that. But in the end, even I do not know the right thing to do in every case. But I know I will follow my heart. I know I have to be true to my nature. I will love her anyway. I will cry some more tears, and I will pray. God alone knows the outcome. My heart feels heavy and empty, like a piece of it is missing. She is, after all, My Peanut, and she means the world to me. At least you cannot die from a broken heart. It just feels like it.
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