Life is funny. I have not got a clue how change occurs. It just seems that one day you look back and realize that your life no longer even resembles the life you once knew. It somewhat freaks me out when I reflect on my life and see myself acting differently than I ever have. I think differently, I act differently, and across the board, I feel differently. Once in a while, the old Jeffery pokes his head out, and I am stunned. Especially when I remember what an asshole he used to be.
Years ago, when I first got married, I was not able to loosen up enough around people, especially children, to be able to just be myself. I have no idea now what my dysfunction was, but whatever it was it really screwed up my relationships. I was emotionally unavailable to my wife, my stepson, my friends, and my family. While I always held something back in my relationships, generally a defensive thing, so as not to allow people to get close enough to hurt me, I never realized that I was holding back the good stuff as well. The things that make me special and unique, the parts of me that are loving, caring, compassionate, and tender were seldom seen. What was I thinking? Why did I see these things as weaknesses, or character flaws? In my quest to keep from being hurt again in my life, I distanced myself emotionally from everyone who mattered to me, and in the end, the person that did hurt me was myself. I hurt myself in ways I never thought possible, the whole while unaware, and miserable.
Children have always gravitated toward me, as have animals. Often dogs and cats that will approach no one else will approach me. I assume that children and animals are more perceptive to such things, and saw me for the man I was inside, the man I was trying to hide. I have always been terrified of children. I like them fine, I enjoy watching them play, and I appreciate their inherent candor. They call things as they see them. But I never really knew how to be a child, let alone how to act around them. As such, I really failed as a step father. My moodiness, my anger, and my fear paralyzed me. It was not that I did not care or that I did not love my step son, but I was not effectively able to communicate that to him. Thankfully he grew up to realize that in spite of my myriad flaws, I did care about him, and in turn, he still loves and accepts me as his stepfather, and seems to want me as a part of his life. In a phrase, "How Cool is that?"
So, even though my medical conditions apparantly prevent me from having kids of my own, (Knock on Wood) I still get to be a grandfather because like me, my stepson married into "insta-family"; His beautiful bride having a five year old daughter from another relationship. I am a lucky man. I never thought I would be a father, or a grandfather, and I thought I would pretty much die alone. It is becoming apparant to me as I get older that I likely will not die alone because somewhere along the line, I made a difference. I have an ex wife, a step son, a new daughter in law a grand daughter, several friends a handful of nieces a new grand nephew, a couple nephews, a brother and his family..... all of whom I matter to. Of course, I have a couple other nephews and nieces and some half sisters who may not ever know I was gone, but on the whole, I am starting to realize that whether or not I meant to, whether or not I tried, my life impacted others around me. I did make a difference.
I am not an old man, but I am growing a perspective of a man who is much older than my chronological age might suggest. I am aware that a large part of the reason for this is precicely because I have been through so much, because my health has been so bad, because I am aware that I may not have as many trips around the sun as I would like remaining to me. But, don't worry, I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. I just find it odd that I am no longer afraid of death like I used to be. When I was a lot younger the very idea of dying terrified me. But now that I am older and having faced death personally a couple times, I realize it is not something I need to fear. It is just a part of life.
But, all this raises questions in my mind, the most prominent of which is one I ask myself a lot; "Whatchugonnadoboutitasshole?"
The simple answer is "I don't know". What I do know is that I can look forward to a life unlike the life I once knew. The writing, as it were, is on the wall. These changes that have been happening in my life for the past five years have really caused me to look at things in a completely different way, and as I said at the beginning of this blog, I no longer feel, think, or act like I used to. No one is more surprised by this than me.
However, yesterday, when GrandPa Jeff walked into his son's home and handed GrandDaughter Macaylah a pretty new doll (which according to Mac's preference toward all things "Beauty and the Beast" she promptly named "Belle".) and read a Princess Book to her while the other adults were busy, GrandPa Jeff scored some serious GrandPa points. I believe that GrandPa points entitle me to a plethera of hugs and cuddles, and sloppy kisses, though not sure about that.
Now, this experience sounds pretty normal to the casual observer, but if you knew me, especially as I used to be, you would know that this is not like me. I have always been uncomfortable around children. I have never read aloud to one, I have never been real big on hugs and kisses. I have never been real patient with children in general. So.. when this all came so naturally to me, I was a little surprised. My ex wife and stepson both looked at me slackjawed, like "WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH JEFF?"
I honestly do not know what happened to him. I see him less and less these days. I know he is still in there somewhere, and dread his visits. I like who I am becoming. For the first time in my life, I feel okay in my skin. I am looking forward to being GrandPa, and watching mac grow into the beautiful young woman I know she is going to be. The only thing I have not done to that end, yet, is I have not yet told her I love her. But somehow, I think she already knows.
