EMPTY WORDS

I have not been blogging as well as I might like, nor have I been journaling in my journals as frequently as I perhaps should. As a result, life passes byunnoticed. Not that I live a particularly exciting or noteworthy life but I feel that I should document at least some of it. Then again, who would read it? Ah well.... this blog is essentially intended for my family and friends and sinceI talk to neither as often as I should it is perhaps the only way they will know what is going on with me in my life. There it is. In a nutshell, my mission statement as it were. (*sigh) What is on my mind this morning is a conversation I had last night. I had gone to church, and even though I have been running on empty, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally, I did muster up enough energy to pay attention to the sermon. (barely) The pastor talked about Ecclesiology; The branch of theology that is concerned with the nature, constitution, and functions of a church. Yeah, yeah... I know..... (SNORE) But let me cut to the chase. Fast forward, snip for brevity, and mention the one thing that stands out most in my mind as it is, verbatim, something I have been saying for years; "Love is a Choice." I have been also saying that I do not believe that people "fall" in love. I believe that the initial attraction, or lust, is just that.... purely physical, purely selfish, purley sexual. But, after that, you have a choice, and should you choose to love, then you can work towards growing into love. It takes a conscious effort, a committed decision, and a lot of work, especially if you are trying to do love by the numbers... as God intended. Numbers? Oh yeah.... numbers.... sorry. Number 1. (Mt 22:37-40)Love the Lord your God with all your heart Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. Number 2 Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. Number 3. 8"'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. By the numbers, we are instructed to love God our spouses, and our neighbors. Basically in that order. So.... how are we to Love God with all that we are, love our spouses as Christ loved the Church, and love our neighbors as ourselves? Seems to me like it is a tall order... especially if you knew my neighbors! LOL But, I digress, there is only one way. We have to choose to love, and put it all into God's Hands. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and generally, you have to make sacrifices. That's life. Anyway... as I was saying, I had a conversation last night following the service, and all of this was rummaging around in the back of my mind. In any case, the jist of this conversation with someone I am growing to care about was this: In typical fashion, women tend to be more ready emotionally than men when it comes to love and relationships. Men, on the other hand, tend to be less willing to open themselves up to the possibility. This is because of the primary difference between men and women being , essentially, apples and oranges. Men are physical, while women are emotional. So, it is not uncommon for a woman to say "I love you" first. Men may say it, but I am willing to bet that a lot of first "I Love You's" from men occur during sex. It seems like such a waste of those three very powerful words since in that instance they are merely empty words. Now here it is; I was talking about this with someone I am growing fond of, and I see great potential for a future together whether as friends, or as something more, but have not decided that direction yet. But... I do not want to mess up either possibility. I do not want to jeopardize a wonderful friendship by moving too quickly, and I do not want to screw up the "something more" by also moving too quickly, or not moving at all. Damn quandries! So what does one do? Beats the Hell out of me.... I simply do not know. What I do know is this: I already fucked up several friendships, and a marriage by being selfish, inconsiderate, unthoughthtful, disinterested, dishonest, and short sighted. I am not willing to say the words if they are only empty words. I want to be able to mean it when I do say them. I want to try always to put God first, or at the very least, include Him in the realtionship. Being human, this is not easy. I want to employ everything I have learned from my past to ensure that this woman and I have a fighting chance no matter which way our relationship goes. But, all that aside, I really have to say, it feels really good spending time with her.It feels even better knowing that for the first time in my life I have been completely honest, no secrets, and have let my guard down intentionally that I might let her in. While it has been a challenge so far it has also been somewhat of a catharsis. I basically am feeling pretty good about things, and my life in general, and that, too, is a change for me. It is about time for a positive change in my life.