MOVING OUT

To the few people that follow this blog, please accept my abject apologies for letting so much time pass between entries. I suppose it is simply a matter of priorities, and I have not made this enough of a priority to write in. Same applies to my journals. Life, it seems keeps getting in the way. The irony in that statement lies in the fact that I actually do not have a life.

However, for health reasons galore, emotional, physical, financial, I am moving out of the self imposed prison in which I have lived for the past 18 months. Last November, I moved in with a friend whom I have known for 30 years. Apparently somewhere along the line, I quit knowing him. Since moving in, even though basically he is still good people, his personal issues have made life for me here unbearable. So much so that I spend 95% of my time locked in my room. His drug use, drinking, relationships, attitudes, moodiness, and anger at virtually everything in the world has made my existence here a living hell. Not that it was a bad deal, but it was not equitable or fair. It was never my home. It was never my place. The lack of respect in certain areas made me feel taken advantage of.

Now, one month out, I plan on moving out of state into a new home, which I only hope is better than this one. I have taken my time finding a place, and asking every conceivable question of my new room mate. It seems like a good deal, and I am hopeful and fearful at the same time. It means a major change in the way I have been living across the board, and my biggest fear I think is trading one bad situation for another. Ultimately, I think I need to find a small place by myself. But for now, I have to keep things affordable. The heavy stuff gets moved today. This concerns me. I used to be the strongest person I knew,but as time has passed since the heart surgery, I am finding myself not as able to handle the heavy lifting I once did. I need to eventually opt for higher quality, yet lighter furniture. At least I am getting out of this second story apartment, and moving into a single level house. I hope for the best, but still fear the worst. I am angry at myself for feeling this way, but apparently, I have been conditioned to be like this. I know how and what happened, but feel impotent to change the defects in myself that cause the difficulties I face.

I guess the best I can do for right now is to move ahead, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and ask those that do care about me to pray for only good things.