FRESH BREATH

Yeah... Well! What can I say about the title of this entry? It was the first thing that popped into my head after I realized how long it has been since I blogged. I sort of wanted to convey in a couple words that I am still alive, well, and growing. What I ended up with is a Mentos Commercial. Oh well. I have one person that actually reads these things, and I hope that person is well. As for me... life moves on so rapidly sometimes, I find myself looking back and wondering "What the fuck was that?" I can't complain really though not for a lack of practice. I have spent so much of my life bitching about the myriad small annoyances that creep inevitably into everyones life, I sometimes forget my brother Joe's advice... the two rules for living as he called it... "1. Don't sweat the small shit. 2. It is all small shit." He was probably right. But, were he still alive, I would have to remind him that small or not, Shit still stinks generally. (Not mine of course!)

Anyway... this writing finds me looking at several areas of my life where I am not fully satisfied or even happy. One question keeps ringing in the back of my noggin; "So...; Whatchagonnadoboutitasshole?"

Several things generally weigh heavy on my mind on any given day.

In order of stress level (highest to lowest) they are:
Finances, Job (or lack thereof), my primary relationship, my physical health, my family, the future, legal obligations, basic needs.

Many years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on who I was and who/what I wanted to be. I had an image of myself in the future, and was content with that image. But life has a tendency to take us through many unexpected twists and turns. There is no planning for every contingency. In my teens I decided I would not get married until I was financially stable. RIiiighhht. Like that was actually going to happen. Love snuck up on me, and I was anything but secure. In fact, as I began dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I was homeless. I was not so much homeless in the sense that I was living on the streets. I had my truck, and a camper, and I basically chose to live like that because for a time, it was the most cost effective way to live. I was single, and my two dogs and I got by okay. We all took turns farting up the camper, so heat was never a problem. But the combination of airborne particles of poop vapors made the close quarters in the camper a bit unbearable at times. Okay.. okay.. too much info; I know. Suffice to say, while amusing to me to write about, it is mostly just a pointless distraction from what I really want to write about here.

Life is hard sometimes. I have a wonderful girlfriend right now, and if things go well, we will probably get married down the road. I don't care that I am not financially stable. What I do care about is her. She and I have so much in common, including the things we worry about. Finances being a biggie. Which brings me more or less to my point. Some years back, my health began to fail, and I was not able to work. Who ever expected me to have to go through heart surgery at age 37? Not me certainly. So, trying to live on a disability pension has not been easy. In fact, it downright sucked. So yesterday I finally get a call from the gal in personnel where I recently applied. In fact she called twice. (That's promising, right?) So tomorrow I call her to set up an interview. I am excited and scared at the same time. If I get the job, it means an end to the security of my pension, which is more than a lot of people make. But it also means a world of opportunity for me. It means putting my life as I know it on the line, taking a chance, hoping for the best, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe I will be able to take back control over my life. I have grown tired of feeling like a passive participant, having little control over the things that happen around me. I would rather hit the lottery, but I think a job would do my ego and self image a lot of good. I really could use a shot in the arm like this. As I understand it, it is an ISO 9000 company, and has a full benefit package. I have always kind of wanted a desk job, but ended up doing the more physical jobs. Now, if all goes well, I will be getting paid to talk, and work on the computer... two things I do a lot of already. It was not in my plan for my life, nor was living in the area I am. I grew up here, and always kind of hated it. Maybe now, I will find a reason to stay. I have no shortage of reasons to leave, but none of them are all that good.

I am anxiously looking forward to this opportunity for a new beginning. I have been needing a breath of freash air for a long while now. This may be just what the doctor ordered.