Perceptum amo vestri (Learn to like yourself)
Current mood: high

One of the things about me that only those closest to me get to realize is that I tend to have self esteem issues. At least that has always been the case in the past. I do not really want to complain about my lot in life, though I have, even though sometimes I get down about events and circumstances which I have little if any control over. It has taken me all of my life to learn that I may not have any control over the things around me, the things that get me down, but I do have control over how I choose to respond to them.

Ago vita, non res. (Live life, not circumstances.)

I really wish this was something that had sunk in years ago, but slow learner or not, the lessons I have learned have created in me a better person than I might have been otherwise. At the very least I have substantial experience how not to do things, having fairly consistently made the wrong choices for much of my life.

I used to feel sorry for myself, always somehow feeling like the people around me, the world at large, was somehow out to get me. I allowed my feelings of inadequacy, and my low self esteem to get in my way of ever really accomplishing anything. Superficially it would appear to others that I was doing okay, but inside, I was a mess. But being somewhat brighter than the average 40 watt person, I was quite adept at concealing it when the mood served me. A long chain of doctors and counsellors tried and failed to help me, never agreeing on a single diagnosis.

Perhaps they should have listened to the people that were closest to me. People like my wife, people like Kat, people like my sister. But even I refused to listen to them even though I knew they were probably right. I knew there was something wrong in the way I viewed myself and the world around me. Either I was in the middle of a huge conspiracy designed to make me question my reality, or something inside me was not quite right.

Ut verum diligo alius , primoris diligo vestri verum. (To love others, first love yourself.)

I am not extraordinary. Extraordinarily bright, sure! Extraordinarily talented, perhaps when I apply myself. Extraordinarily good looking, Abso-freakin'-lutely! I have always known that there was something special about me, something that set me apart from the majority of my peers. Once, perhaps a long time ago, back when I was young and the world was an oyster at my feet, I could have been anything. But that self image thing kept sneaking up and biting me in the ass.

My old man was a bastard. I do not know what in the hell was wrong with him, but he did not like me, and the abuse I suffered from him left a long series of deep and painful scars that no one else would ever see. Of course, back then child abuse was a different thing. It was as though the system top protect children was still in its infancy. Not that the system works any better now, but at least it recognizes emotional abuse as just as damaging as physical abuse.

I would love to be able to articulate the damage that was done to me. I would love to pretend it never happened. Actually, I have spent many years doing just that. But now, I have a choice. I can either continue living as I have, and be miserable for the rest of my life, or I can open my eyes and realize that perhaps not everything is as dark as it once seemed. It could go either way.... the difference being the choice. I have a choice how I choose to respond.

This has been a long time coming. It has taken a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying, a ton of heartache, and a lot of love and support from a handful of people. I did not take this trip alone, and I really need to thank those that saw me through it. I am not all better yet.... I still have problems. But thanks to the lessons I have learned, the support of people like Donna, who has been there since like forever, my wife who tried to tell me I did not listen, Kat, who has been an incredible source of inspiration and support since I met her, and my counsellor Jeremy, who mostly just listens a lot; thanks to people like these, I think I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

The last couple years have seen me through a lot of change. Major heart surgery, a painful separation and pending divorce, numerous health problems, and most recently my experience with Kat. I am seeing glimmerings of a man I barely recognize. I catch myself out of the corner of my eye, and see myself differently than before. The man I am seeing now, a little more often, I actually like the guy. Maybe it is all a part of growing up. But I actually kinda like the man I am turning into. He is a very likable fella. People seem to trust him, to open up to him, to laugh around him because he makes them feel comfortable. He has a handful of the most incredible loving friends, and he is a truly fortunate man.

I wonder what ever happened to the guy he is replacing?

If you come back tomorrow, maybe the old Jeffery will be around and you can listen to him piss and moan about everything, but he is not home right now. I am kind of hoping he stays out all night so I can get some sleep.

What time is it?
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

Here it is, 2:30 in the morning, and I should be in bed sleeping. Instead I find myself awake wishing I were able to sleep. This happens from time to time; I lay down and close my eyes and my mind begins racing at somewhat less than a million miles an hour. In the darkness, my world spins resolutely out of control, faster and faster until my eyes snap open and I realize it is going to be another one of those nights. I hate insomnia. I have only two choices; 1. Lay there and hope I burn a fuse and basically pass out from exhaustion, or 2. Get up and occupy myself until my thoughts grind to a stop. Neither approach is particularly effective, but here I am anyway.

Yesterday was a long day, one of many long days in a row making up this incredibly long month. Kat has been in the hospital for the greater part of the last seven or so weeks. I know it is difficult on her being in the hospital; I know she hates it. But the fact is, right now anyway, that she is where she needs to be right now. The infection, and the fever, and the pain are all too much for us to handle here at home. At least in the hospital she is getting the antibiotics and medicines she needs to beat this pneumonia, get her lungs clear, and get the rest she needs to heal.

I need to be up in just a few hours if I am to make it to the hospital early enough to talk to the doctor, and get these POA papers filled out. I don't like the responsibility of having to have her power of attorney, but I know what to do when the time comes, so I am really the only practical choice. Even so, knowing I will eventually be the one that has to decide to just let her go, to order the doctors to stand down on any treatment beyond comfort measures, it is a sobering thought. What a great responsibilty it is, ultimately having the final say in letting her die.... thankfully I have my faith, and I believe that God will provide for each of us in His time. But I never wanted this responsibility.

Notice on my main page I dropped reference to Martin Luther in my Heros section in favor of Kat. She is the most resilient, most stubborn, most hard headed, determined, frustrating, and difficult woman I have ever met. I have more respect for her than I can easily articulate. She may be many things, but she is neither a quitter nor someone to feel sorry for. She has many, many physical problems, any one of which is potentially life threatening. Yet she keeps coming back for more. Not unlike a cat with it's proverbial nine lives, she appears to have nine lives times nine lives. But it is taking its toll on her tiny frame. She can not easily keep food down, and is taking nourishment via TPN. She is underweight, and fighting against her own body which is slowly but surely advancing toward death. So much so, in fact, that many doctors have made the call to notify her family that she was not going to make it, only to have her time and time again prove them wrong. (You gotta admire someone with a spirit so strong.) Her will to live is unbelievable. But eventually she will be able to fight no more and the light of a wonderful life will be extinguished.

I am thankful beyond measure for all the things I have gained through knowing her. She has become a source of strength and inspiration to me, and I am the one supposedly caring for her. Sometimes it seems like it is actually the other way around. I will treasure this time, no matter how difficult, forever. I believe fully that God has a wonderful purpose for her that she has to go through all this. I thank Him every day for bringing her into my life. I am a better man by far now than I was even a year ago.

To think my wife has said that I will never change. It has taken a lot, but I have changed, and am continuing to change every day. The man my wife left would never have considered doing this for another person. The man I am now is simply a better man. Sure, I still have all the same basic problems I had before, but I have been addressing them in counseling, and have been facing them with Kat. Every day she reminds me how lucky I am to have as many good friends as I do, as many people who truly love me as I do. I would like to feel sorry for myself from time to time, but with Kat around, that is not easy to do. She has a way of putting things into perspective for me. I really do have a lot to be thankful for, including her.

Limited Connectivity
Current mood: crappy
Category: Life

I finally pressed a button on my MYSPACE page, which imported contacts from my email accounts. I guess I was not fully prepared to see my stepsons face looking back at me. I have not seen him or heard from him in over a year. What I have heard about him is that he is doing well. I am glad for that. But actually seeing a young man in a photograph who I feel I should somehow know, with a girlfriend I have never met, both looking so happy... Well, it kind of took me a little aback. Certainly he is not a stranger to me, though he might as well be now, and reading his profile and looking at the pictures left me feeling like an outsider.

I did request to add him as a friend, and perhaps one day he will have the time to check his email, and he might accept me, or he may not. I have to realize either is a possibility. He is an adult now, and has a girlfriend, his real dad, his mother, grandparents, sister, friends, church, and his job. He may not have time for me anymore. Besides that, I am aware that in as much as I failed his mother in our marriage, I failed him as well.

I had several years in which to get to know him, to build a relationship with him, and to be a part of his life. I am thankful for that time we did share. I enjoyed watching him grow, but for reasons that are difficult to explain, I never completely opened up to him, and never really got close. Perhaps the same is true of my marriage, I don't really know anymore. I do know that I put a great deal of effort trying to keep people from getting too close for fear of getting hurt. In the end, it was those efforts that caused the most hurt.

He may read this, and think I am a total dweeb. That is okay by me. I am no longer afraid of my feelings, and I am not afraid of getting hurt anymore. I realize now that the only way to have a truly successful relationship is to put that little stuff aside, to open the doors to your heart and mind wide enough to let people in. Sure... it opens you up to be hurt, it exposes all your weaknesses and fears, and it makes you vunerable. But the alternative is a far more painful, far more lonely existence.

The truth is that even though I never wanted to be anything like my stepfather, his abuse of me growing up was terrible. I grew to hate him, and thanks to him, I grew to hate myself. I continued his abuse toward me long after he died. In the end, what I swore would never happen, did. I became like him. Not as bad perhaps, but bad enough. It cost me over half my life, and opportunities I will never know, and even a family I could have had. It is not his fault, of course, it is mine. I had the opportunity to recognize it, and to change it in myself. I still do. But it is too late to reclaim all that is in the past. My only hope is to take back my future.

I do not know if this makes any sense to anyone but me, and frankly, I don't care. This is my demon to exorcise, and it is long overdue. Time to bury the son of a bitch who taught me how to be a son of a bitch as well.