ALIVE & WELL and LIVING IN THE PAST

Mood: Pensive

The title of this entry pretty much says it all. I am not here today. There are a lot of places I could be right now, but here is not one of them. This is made much more difficult by the fact that under the current governing laws of physics, no matter where my mind and heart are, my body is still stuck here typing. Even then there are things much more important that it should be taking care of right now. Shit.

Anyway, November is a month that for many represents the beginning of the holiday season, what with Thanksgiving and all. It is a time for families to gather together around the table in remembrance and thanksgiving, an opportunity to reflect on the many blessings we receive from God and family. Now, for me, I have not spent as much time around family as I perhaps should have, and for many reasons, I have never been emotionally available to my family and friends. It is a sad statement of the man I used to be, and an even sadder statement of the condition of my family unit. Look up dysfunctional in the dictionary, and you might find a portrait of my family.

November is a time of the year I adore, with the changing of the seasons, the bright colored fall foliage, the acrid smell of woodsmoke hanging in the crisp autumn air, and the sights and sounds of the quickly approaching promise of Christmas. I do love this time of the year, but would love it a lot more were I able to spend it with family. I sometimes long for the Norman Rockwell holidays, but generally when the opportunity did arise, I found yet another reason to spend the holidays alone, and in so doing bask in the depression that strikes me with regularity this time of the year without fail.

November marks several important dates this year.

• My 12th anniversary would have been on the 7th, had I not been divorced in July.
• My niece is celebrating her 21st birthday on the 19th.
• My brother Joe, would have celebrated his 64th birthday on the 18th.

So that's basically what's on my mind today. I am missing my brother, lamenting my failed marriage, regretting shoving my family away, and wishing I were better able to be there now for my family and friends.

This holiday season will not look any more like a Rockwell painting than any year previous, but I do hope to be able to spend it with family, and remember to be thankful that I have so much more than so many people do. As I pause to reflect on the things I am thankful for this year, maybe I should make it a point to let those I am thankful for know how I feel.