MORAL COMPASS? SPINNING RESOLUTELY OUT OF CONTROL, THANKS FOR ASKING.

I am in a quandry this morning. I have a lot on my mind.

Why is it that things must be so difficult sometimes?I am not a

bad man, I'm not. Okay, okay... you can quit laughing anytime.

You ! In the corner! I hear you snickering! Don't make me open

a can of Whup-Ass! Even Jessica Rabbit once said, "I'm not bad;

I am just drawn that way!"

Okay, joking aside; Why is it difficult sometimes, knowing right from wrong as I do, to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to make the moral choice, and then stick with it? Why do things have to get so very complicated so very quickly? For me, my achilles' heel is women. I love women. I love the way they smell, taste, feel, and look. Still very much struggle understanding how they think. So, here is my dilemma: I have a girlfriend, at least I think I do, thought I did.... alright, that relationship is a little fuzzy right now. She is having a hard time knowing what she wants, and as angry as I get with the bullshit, I am having a hard time with the whole relational yo yo myself. There is a part of me that still genuinely loves this woman. As maddening as she can be at times, and angry as I want to be at her, as much as I want to just close the door by whatever means necessary and simply walk away, my heart is making it hard.

She mocks me in my dreams. I see her, and I feel her in my arms, and sometimes, it seems so very real. I hear certain songs on the radio, and again, whatever I am doing, wherever I am, as soon as I hear the song, there she is again.






I am reminded of a Delbert McClinton song. The lyrics follow:






You Were Never Mine




I saw someone again today


Who remembered me and you


They asked all the same old questions


I gave the same excuse


They said what a shame, what a shame


To lose a love so fine






But I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






I kept on believing What I wanted to believe


The unspoken promises


That you could never keep


But it's a sin, oh it's a sin


To tell yourself a lie






I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






Did you give me all you gave me


Just because I needed you


But when I needed all your love completely


Was it more than you could do






Sometimes deep in the night


When I hold you in my dreams


I get lost in your loving touch, baby


I can't believe how real it seems






And I know, yes I know


I'll have you 'till the end of time


'Cause I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you 'cause you were never mine






I never lost you, I never really lost you


How could I lose you, you were never mine

************

I believe that so many things are happening right now in my life to distract me from the important things. I believe that Ol' Scratch (Satan) is having a heyday with me right now by putting these circumstances and obstacles in my path. Now, being a Christian, I do know where the real power lays, and I know where I need to turn to find the resolution to my problem, but being human, being male, and all the flaws that come with those two birthdefects, I am prone to want to figure my own way out of this. Yep. Us guys are so adept at fixing things, that when we fix them, we fix them REAL good. Let's ignore the fact that whatever it was was no where near as broken before we showed up!

So... here it is, I am broken up with my girlfriend, or am I? I have yet to receive a definative answer from her. My ex wife and I are still friends, after everything that happened, and I want to be her friend. The possibility now exists that we could fix the broken in our failed and ended marriage. But should we? Do I really want to? I do not want to go back to the way things were, and as much as I care for her, the only change she has seen is the passage of years. She still lives exactly the same as she did when we first started dating, and I ignored it back then. In a marriage, I could no longer ignore it.

Suffice to say, I am anal retentive, and she isn't. I do not want to be the chief cook, bottlewasher, and house keeper again. No... I just do not want to pick up behind anyone all the time. I cannot live like that, in the situation she does. It would make me crazy. (Inferring that I am not yet? Right!) She has been alone since she left me, and I think she misses having someone around that is not covered in fur and doesn't hack up hairballs. But, even though I am thrilled that she has had the opportunity to see that I can and did change (after twelve years of fighting it), is that reason enough to try again? Both of our families and most of our friends are against it. For me, the appeal is being a part of a family again, for I am tired of being an outsider all the time.

I suppose much of my confusion is based on the fact that I also do not know what I want anymore. I have been distracted and not thinking very clearly for a long time now. I still love my ex wife, but I am not IN LOVE with her anymore. I am still IN LOVE with my ex girlfriend, but do not want the relationship to go on as it has. I cannot live wondering if and when she will betray my trust again. I cannot live with the feeling that I will always be last in her priorities. She says she loves me, but she has been looking for whatever it is she feels she is missing online, and has had relations with another man while we were still together.

Then again, I also cheated on my wife while we were married. I had relations with the one woman while we were still together, and three others after we were no longer living together. After the divorce was final, I met Corrie, and was terribly gunshy and cautious. It was months before we met in person, but after only three months of dating, we were sleeping together. We lived together for about a year, and then parted company, with me moving across town, and her moving out of state.I really tried to be a better man