Spot Check

It has been awhile since I wrote anything to my blog, and I am feeling a little guilty for being remiss in my writing. However, aside from simply checking in to inform those that read this, if in fact any remain, that I am still alive, I do not really have time tonight to update. Suffice to say, I am well, reasonably content in my circumstances, and looking forward to more positive changes as they happen. Life is pretty good lately, and I am truly blessed. Promise to write more later.

The two year rule

I should be in bed. I have a busy day tomorrow, but I do not feel tired. I am again up in the middle of the night pondering thoughts and feelings, wondering to myself how I went from Point A to Point B. I did not recognize the transition, I just rather abstractly observed that something in fact had changed, and I was surprised.

I suppose it is like growing up. We are young one minute, thinking that this will go on forever, then suddenly, it is 25 years later and we look in the mirror at the old stranger who now stares back at us with wrinkles, gray hair, and looser skin. Long vanished is the healthy glow of youth, replaced by the scars of experience.

I remember how painful my separation and divorce was, how I bargained with God, myself, and even my ex wife to not let it end, not looking, nor caring then, how unhealthy the relationship was. For a time after I watched her drive away without so much as a glance back in the mirror, I still clung to the futile hope that if I just loved her, it would all work out in the end. And so it did... it worked out, but not as I hoped, nor as I planned.

I began to fill my time with activities, and made new friends. As time passed, the anger and hurt faded, replaced with a lesser form of love and acceptance. I realized that I had fallen out of love with my wife, and I began to realize how our relationship was unhealthy and codependent. More time passed, and I began to deal with some of my underlying issues, only to find that there were more issues for me to deal with.  In time, perhaps because we started out as friends, we found that our friendship, albeit changed, was still there. To this day, I value her friendship above many others even though, honestly, there are times (and I say this with some alacrity) that I am glad we are no longer married.

Tonight I realized that I have fallen out of love again. It was just a matter of time, and Lord knows I tried to hang onto the love I felt. But the object of my affections quit returning my love long ago. The token gestures she has made over time has fallen woefully short of the love I needed. The person I fell in love with was not who I thought she was. Yet, for the longest time, oddly, about the same amount of time as it took me to come to the same realization  with my ex wife, I clung to a dream that my heart wanted to believe in, which my mind told me time and time again was not ever going to happen.

So tonight when I realized that, although I allow myself to maintain some feelings for this person, they are not to the degree they once were. I have no real feelings of regret or remorse, nor even sadness. In fact, I think if I had to choose a single word for what I am feeling, the word would be relief. It is too bad though. I really had hoped for better things, but with the loss of trust and respect, and to a degree, a loss of faith in this person, I can no longer hold on to the dream. Maybe someday, I can have a real friendship with her, but for the longest time it has been pretty one sided.I just wonder why it takes me longer to learn than others.

I have come to a conclusion though... Since it takes me about two years to come to terms with a failed relationship, I am going to allow at least four years for any relationship I am in. Two years of dating and getting to know someone before getting serious, and if it falls apart then, two years to pull my head out of my ass. Seems like a good number anyway.

Getting a move on.

I have not been feeling very well the past few days, and have accomplished very little. In the smallest sense, anyway, I do not feel I have been very productive. Today, accomplishing half of one chore outside made me feel a little better, but inside I have made several steps in the right direction. I still feel like shit, however. I have a doctor appointment two days hence, and I am both apprehensive about it, and looking forward to it at the same time. I do not like being in pain, and am hopeful that the doctor will take me seriously. It is not like I enjoy being in pain, but anymore doctors approach pain issues with kid gloves, and it is frustrating that many people are being made to suffer for the actions of a few. Oh well... it is a brave new world in which certain drugs are dispensed only by timed release, and everyone is looked at as an addict or an idiot. There is little in between it seems in the eyes of a pharmacist, who looks at everyone with skepticism. Who could blame him (or her as the case may be) in today's society?

Anyway, this morning I have freed up over 12 Gigabytes on my laptop hard drive, which is phenomenal... moving all of my documents and inessential files to an external drive. Next step is to do a back up of the laptop, just in case. Down the road, I will likely have a new laptop, and possibly a working desktop. I figure I may as well simplify now. Other things on my agenda involves going through my closet and alphabetizing my clothes. (An OCD joke) I have been struggling with the small opening to my closet compared to the large doors. The doors can never open more than 20 inches or so, making it impossible to really get to anything in the closet, so I took the damn things down.  Not that anyone besides me cares about such things, but this is what I am doing today.

By the way, the Ducks lost to Auburn, and even though I live in Oregon now, I just don't care. Does that make me a bad man?

Salad Days

I have had a recurring thought the past few days that I thought I might want to write about at some point, but am not really prepared tonight to give it the time or attention it deserves. However, having met my ex wife's Aunt tonight, I was again reminded that I need to put some thought into it. In my lifetime, I have learned that when things keep popping up in your daily life, there is usually a reason for it, and to me, this recurring thought tells me that I definitely need to spend some time thinking about it, and eventually writing about it at more length.

Tre's Aunt asked me how long she and I had been married, and I responded "Twelve Years," happy that it sounded like a suitably long enough time to suggest that plenty of effort was made to make the marriage work, "but we only were together for ten of those years." I amended. I think a lot about the whys, and the hows of my failed marriage, and I hold myself responsible for the failure, generally disregarding whatever role my ex played in the failure. "That part is for her to own, and it is not my responsibility to place blame or responsibility on her." I reason to myself. This is, of course, true enough. But it would be so much easier if I could blame the failures on my youth or inexperience.

"Salad days" is an idiomatic expression, referring to a youthful time, accompanied by the inexperience, enthusiasm, idealism, innocence, or indiscretion that one associates with a young person. The phrase was coined in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra in 1606. In the speech at the end of Act One in which Cleopatra is regretting her youthful dalliances with Julius Caesar she says: "...My salad days, / When I was green in judgment, cold in blood..."  Whether the point is that youth, like salad, is raw, or that salad is highly flavoured, and youth loves high flavours, or that innocent herbs are youth's food, ... few of those who now use the phrase could perhaps tell us; if so it is fitter for parrot's than for human speech. Nevertheless, it is about the best title I could come up with for this entry. So much time has passed, my view of myself, my ex wife, my marriage, and the world in general has changed.

I would like to think I am a wiser man, perhaps better prepared now than I was then for when love again finds me. But I can only hope that when and if it does, that I can apply whatever wisdom I have gained in the interim, yet still find the same enthusiasm I had in the "salad days" of my youth.

MMXI

January 1st, 2011; A new year, with the same promises of years before, to be a better year for me. Naturally, I made no concrete resolutions, no promises of changing habits or behaviors, so 2011 is beginning relatively stress free. I do have a few things in my head that I hope to accomplish this year, and with a little effort on my part, a little planning, and a little good fortune, I am optimistic that some of these expectations I have of myself may come to fruition. But, and I say this with some alacrity, I am not going to beat myself over the head with any self defeating bullshit for any perceived failure on my part. I am just going to keep plugging away at things, and take a look at things again a year from now and see how I have done.

Without any firm commitments to accomplish even a single goal, I do have a few areas in my life that I think merit a little more effort on my part. I need to take a more proactive approach toward my healthcare... I need to be a better advocate for myself. That is probably the most important thing I will be looking at during this year. Additionally, I have a few financial goals, but I am not going to stress over them. I am just going to look at the individual steps necessary for me to be more fiscally responsible. I hope to use my time more productively in 2011. Time is my single biggest resource, and I am getting to an age now where I do not feel comfortable simply squandering my greatest resource.  Seems pretty simple, huh?  Yeah.. well...we shall see. I have never really been all that good at resolutions. I would set these lofty goals, and then beat myself over the head with every single failure, year after year.

Other things that are in the back of my head, but again... no promises...; I hope to write more this year, perhaps even some poetry. I plan on taking more photographs, as I have been truly enjoying taking photos this past year. Maybe I will take a couple classes, or maybe I will get more active in my church or the community... maybe I will learn to dance.... Yeah right! And Maybe monkeys might fly out my butt. Anyway.. you get the point. This is my year, my time, my life, and I mostly hope to start enjoying myself a little more. To those who still read this, I hope you find 2011 to be a fun and prosperous year as well.