The two year rule

I should be in bed. I have a busy day tomorrow, but I do not feel tired. I am again up in the middle of the night pondering thoughts and feelings, wondering to myself how I went from Point A to Point B. I did not recognize the transition, I just rather abstractly observed that something in fact had changed, and I was surprised.

I suppose it is like growing up. We are young one minute, thinking that this will go on forever, then suddenly, it is 25 years later and we look in the mirror at the old stranger who now stares back at us with wrinkles, gray hair, and looser skin. Long vanished is the healthy glow of youth, replaced by the scars of experience.

I remember how painful my separation and divorce was, how I bargained with God, myself, and even my ex wife to not let it end, not looking, nor caring then, how unhealthy the relationship was. For a time after I watched her drive away without so much as a glance back in the mirror, I still clung to the futile hope that if I just loved her, it would all work out in the end. And so it did... it worked out, but not as I hoped, nor as I planned.

I began to fill my time with activities, and made new friends. As time passed, the anger and hurt faded, replaced with a lesser form of love and acceptance. I realized that I had fallen out of love with my wife, and I began to realize how our relationship was unhealthy and codependent. More time passed, and I began to deal with some of my underlying issues, only to find that there were more issues for me to deal with.  In time, perhaps because we started out as friends, we found that our friendship, albeit changed, was still there. To this day, I value her friendship above many others even though, honestly, there are times (and I say this with some alacrity) that I am glad we are no longer married.

Tonight I realized that I have fallen out of love again. It was just a matter of time, and Lord knows I tried to hang onto the love I felt. But the object of my affections quit returning my love long ago. The token gestures she has made over time has fallen woefully short of the love I needed. The person I fell in love with was not who I thought she was. Yet, for the longest time, oddly, about the same amount of time as it took me to come to the same realization  with my ex wife, I clung to a dream that my heart wanted to believe in, which my mind told me time and time again was not ever going to happen.

So tonight when I realized that, although I allow myself to maintain some feelings for this person, they are not to the degree they once were. I have no real feelings of regret or remorse, nor even sadness. In fact, I think if I had to choose a single word for what I am feeling, the word would be relief. It is too bad though. I really had hoped for better things, but with the loss of trust and respect, and to a degree, a loss of faith in this person, I can no longer hold on to the dream. Maybe someday, I can have a real friendship with her, but for the longest time it has been pretty one sided.I just wonder why it takes me longer to learn than others.

I have come to a conclusion though... Since it takes me about two years to come to terms with a failed relationship, I am going to allow at least four years for any relationship I am in. Two years of dating and getting to know someone before getting serious, and if it falls apart then, two years to pull my head out of my ass. Seems like a good number anyway.