Have you ever had a greeting like that? One where you are so happy to see your friend that you are truly happy to see them... yet at the same time saddened, regretful that you had let so much time pass? The loss of countless moments when you could have been doing something... anything together.... and there is legitimate sorrow that these moments are lost?
Well, that is where I am at in this, my blog, but also in many areas of my life. I just got out of the hospital again, not even really clear what was wrong, only that when I arrived in the ER, I was barely conscious, cold, running a fever of 103.7, and apparently with a heart rate of close to 150 bpm. My white blood cell count was up over 20, (whatever the hell that means!) indicating I was fighting some sort of infection, possibly viral. So they dumped me on antibiotics, a lot of them, treated me as if I had the flue (which I did not we learned later) and until they dropped 4mL of morphine into my veins, I was having a really hard time.... although now I can figure out why I do not remember much. It got a little foggy after that, and more so after the subsequent injection of dilaudid. I do not remember much about being taken up to the second floor. It is all a little hazy. As was most of the first day, though now it seems like several had already passed. Again, I wonder why? But apparently somewhere along the line I had the opportunity, while on morphine in the emergency room, to post a selfie on facebook. Guess I should be glad I was clothed.
SO I got distracted. I saw my niece online and said howdy, and although brief, it may have been the most adult conversation she and I have ever had. I was there the day she took her first steps. She took them toward me, halting, unsteady, but determined, before collapsing against my knees with a gigantic grin. She balanced herself, lifted herself upright, and with a new direction, she ran back to her mother across the living room. (Maybe six feet... but it was the accomplishment, not the distance that was important.) That was pretty much the last time any of us saw her sit still for a moment. At least that is how it seems to her mom and I. It is getting close to four years ago now, the last time I saw her, and perhaps the last time any of us will see the little girl she once was. Her Mom was in the hospital very sick, needed heart surgery. And she needed to make some very adult decisions for her Mom. She was close to wits end, and I was as proud as could be of her for being so grown up. I told her so, and then, for a moment... just a moment, she was the little girl again as she stomped her feet and said "But I don't wanna be a grown up!"But I digress I am getting off track.
"Life teaches us painful lessons, which we, as parents, want to protect our children from, but in the end, they too, must learn some things on their own. The circle closes, ad infinitum." ~ Me, during a chat with my niece
I chatted with her briefly this morning and it was during that conversation that I happened to type a truism. I like it when that happen because it makes me feel a little better about myself, the wisdom I have gained as I have gotten older. I come across them occasionally and surprise myself. I really need to start writing this down! Which is partly why I am here today blogging. My journals and blogs are in a way my friends. Who else but myself, and or my few readers would care about any of this stuff Perhaps one day my blog will have a following, but in order for that to happen, I have to write in it. Otherwise, who would want to read it? So there I am. Life is right there, just waiting. Begging me to reach out and take it.
To those who do read me, I apologize for being gone so long. I will try harder to write more often.
