Medical Madness

DISCLAIMER: Contains graphic images.

Sometimes it is necessary to  make a decision in the interest of self-preservation. The reality of such decisions is that it can be a difficult decision. Sometimes, however, the answer is glaringly obvious. So it is with my decision to return to a skilled nursing facility. I know it is the right decision, the only decision that makes sense. Losing my foot is not an option I wish to consider, but it is a disturbing reality. I have been fighting with wounds on my feet for the past 5 years. On my right foot for about 3 of those years. For the most part, it has remained at it's status quo for the majority of the time. Open wound, wound care, some healing, undermining, debriding, dressing, wait a week repeat.

It has been a long and frustrating time as the wound showed little signs of healing as I was unable to stay off of it. So finally, had to lose a small bone from my foot. The surgeon also performed a radial graft, and for a moment, the wound looked great....

Until it didn't.... (four days later)

Now I really do not want to complain, as this really is my fault for not being able to stay off of it. But I am concerned that even though I have been off my foot for a week, the degradation may have continued. I find out later today when the cast comes off long enough for wound care. Fingers crossed. Hell... it may work, I have tried everything it seems except total compliance.

Update: The appointment went well! Both the podiatrist and I were pleased and surprised at how different the wound looked after only a week. I still may have to be here a month, but at least I know that it is possible for me to walk out of here at the end of this.

I don't want to complain. I do not want to whimper or whine. In fact, these would all be in conflict withe the man I want myself to be. Still, there are things which have been weighing heavily on my mind these past few weeks, things which I feel I must get off my chest.

First of all, having spent a fair amount of time thinking about this, I realize that I need to make an effort, a true effort to write in this blog more consistently. This morning a friend posted online that they felt that people were somehow treating emotions as something to be avoided, because in talking about their feelings, or listening to another person's feelings somehow made them uncomfortable.

I observed frankly that my childhood experience conditioned me to believe emotions to be something to hide. Emotions were not acceptable as they were a sign of weakness. Further, I was abused in most ways possible, and when talking about feelings were considered to be a sign of weakness, I shoved them ever deeper, thus causing further harm to my young psyche.

But after reading my friends post, I replied with these words:

  "I was forced to believe that emotions were not acceptable and it resulted in years of internalized suffering. I’ve since learned that emotions are an essential part of what makes us human. It is wise to be in control of them, to recognize them, to talk about them, and to feel them. It is not wise to let them control you."

I realized after the fact that I really should take my own advice more often. Sometimes, like today, I come up with real gems. This observation made me think, "Gee! I need to get back into journaling or blogging, or both. I got out of the habit, and the years I lost are only highlighted by the time I have remaining, however long that is. But I know that as I age further, I will have more to write about.  I need to spend time thinking about what I wish to blog, and what I wish to journal. 
All I know for certain is that this time, I cannot falter for long, or I may never return to it, and I have already lost over 20 years. How much life have I missed? The emptiness is filled only with regret. 

I shall try to write a paragraph aor two a day. amd see how it goes. Then I need to get into the habit of Journaling as well. 

Second, recent events which would have done me well to journal about are on my mind, as I try to sort out my memories in a cohesive manner. I need to finish the outline, and I need to determine my next few steps.These steps are critical.

 or blogging or both."

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