APPLES & ORANGES

Observation 1
Apples and Oranges

I think that this entry will be the first of a five part series dedicated to a verbose rambling on the subject of something I know very little about. Women. Oh yeah, this should be fun. Not that I will reveal anything particularly profound, earth shaking, or even relevant. It is a good thing that I am not married right now, as anything I say could and would be held against me. This is why I like to sprinkle my conversations with words and phrases like 'breasts', 'nipples', 'ass', and "fish taco', in the hope that these things actually will be held against me. But, it is counterproductive in that the more I use these words and phrases in casual conversation, the less likely it is that I will ever see them again. That may be part of how the phrase "Life's a Bitch, and then you marry one" came about. Wait... don't rush in to Safeway to stock up on eggs and produce to throw at me yet. (I might like that, and you know Safeway will love the business!)

In truth, I am typing this now when I should in fact be working on my homework. Anything to avoid my responsibilities. But my homework is not a part of the curricula of an institution of higher learning. There are no grades, the deadlines are somewhat flexible, and you will find no female coeds (flexible or otherwise... DAMN!!) at my weekly class. But, due to circumstances, I am obliged to attend these classes, there are certain assignments I have to complete before I can "graduate", and I am actually learning quite a bit in spite of myself. It really is too bad about the lack of flexible female coeds though! It is probably for the best I suppose since what brought myself and the other men together in the first place was our relationships with women. Why is it that something with the promise of so much fun turns out to be such a pain in the butt? I mean, here we are, everything is going along, status quo, we have our jobs, our buddies, and Monday Night Football and things are good. We are the masters of our own lives, until one day something new crosses our field of vision, and we willingly run away from everything we know to get a closer look. We barely glance back at our buddies who in our absence are still quaffing mass quantities of our beer while watching our big screen tv, and who barely notice we are gone until the beer runs out or the game is over (whichever comes first). Nope... our buddies may drink and eat us out of house and home, and burn a hole in our sofa while trying to light a fart, but they will still be our buddies later, so we run after this new thing forgetting all about our buddies for awhile.

Then we catch up to the target of our distraction, only to find out that not only do they look good, much softer than our buddies... well, maybe with the exception of Frank... and they smell so good..... intoxicating even.... that all reason (the little we had in the first place) leaves us. We haphazardly throw all caution to the wind and begin to behave even more stupidly than we do normally.

Around our buddies, we are free to be our normal disgusting selves. We scratch, we belch, we scratch again. We laugh at farts, doggoneit! They are funny after all. They are fun. According to George Carlin, they are "Shit without the mess". We lie about our conquests with great abandon since our buddies all know that we are full of shit anyway, it really does not matter. They will never think any less of us if we lie about sex. After all, they do it too! But the problem with lying about sex to our buddies is that sooner or later, we have to at least make an effort to hang with someone with a higher voice than ours. Someone besides Frank that is. It does not matter how cute he looks in polyester, he is after all a buddy, and we overlook such things, right? Okay, maybe not. But if not for Frank, we’d have no one to duct tape to the fridge door in the garage. Don’t worry… he likes it. Besides, as the only one of us who is married and therefore the only one of us who actually gets stank on the hang low with any regularity, he deserves the abuse. Fucking Frank!

As I am writing this, it occurs to me that I may be just a little over the top. I think that a couple things might happen. One, this is intended to be funny, but may possibly offend one or two people with higher voices than mine. (Frank not withstanding) To them, because I am basking in the relative safety of the internet, I say “get over it!” I kinda want the reaction. In person, I am fairly outspoken, but incredibly shy about certain things. I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut, and spend a lot of time dining on “filet o Birk”. But it occurred to me today, why not write? Put it out there online, maybe amuse a few people, and channel my humor to the internet where it may get me in less trouble at home. Besides, maybe if I do catch the attention of the public, find myself an audience, maybe I can share some of the more serious stuff too. I would like to think that there is more to me than meets the eye, and that I have a lot of stuff to offer people. Two, my biggest concern, I may find myself in trouble with people I do not know. My family and friends are more or less accustomed to the weird, off the wall shit that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis. Hopefully more people are entertained than not. Remember, the comments are available to everyone, and I have posted my email, so there really is no excuse why you cannot share your thoughts as well. Looking forward to hearing from each of you.

NIGHTMARES & NOCTURNAL QUICKSTARTS

Fuck. Yep that's the word I am looking for. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I am aware how crass and stupid that sounds, but considering I am once again awake in the middle of the night, wanting to be asleep, but stuck with my eyes open, there is no better word or phrase to describe how I feel.

I am tired. Dead dog tired. I am running low on both energy and frustration. For some time now, my sleep patterns have been interrupted to say the least. Every 2 hours, like clockwork I shoot awake, sometimes as a result of my arrhythmia, but usually for no reason. The last couple days, I have been having bad dreams to boot. So here I am. Already frustrated about not getting any sleep, and I am irritated too because .... I suppose it does not really matter.

I want out. I want out of my lease, out of my apartment, out of my dreams, and out of my life. Sounds worse than it is, but sometimes each of those statements are true. For the past twenty minutes, my sister has been lurking behind me watching every word I type. Now, I doubt if she can read then from where she is standing, but then again, who knows? I no sooner typed that than she announced that she was going back to bed because she "must be bothering me".

I know she means well, but the circumstances that brought me here essentially left me no other choices. This was the best choice at the time. Now, I wonder, Was it Really? The fact of the matter is, she was bothering me. I hate it when she lurks. I have no privacy here, and I am certain she has issues with me as well. Nevertheless, every time I wake up, she is up a few minutes later. (I suppose my typing wakes her) She lurks into my room, and justs stands there for minutes on end staring at the back of my head. I hate that. She gets pissed at me if I do not call to check in when I am out. I am 41 years old, and feel like she is treating me like I am a three year old kid. She is not my mother, and she is not my wife, and I do not appreciate feeling like I should feel guilty for somehow not involving her in everything I do. It is not as though I have an exciting life, but it is mine, and I should be entitled to some privacy in the things I do.

It is not that I have anything to hide either, to the contrary, I am pretty fucking open about nearly every aspect of my life.

My Health: Not so good really. I am 41, and have been suffering with arrhythmia every day for the past 3 years. I have had triple bypass surgery, and let's face it, on the one hand the surgeons and physicians saved my life. However, on the other hand, I should have been able to expect that my chest should not be popping all over the place and causing me pain by now. I should have been able to expect some improvement in the way my heart behaves and feels. I am a brittle diabetic, and need help to keep my sugars under control. I have obstructive sleep apnea, and am on CPAP therapy. Some days, the neuropathy is so bad, I can barely walk. I use a cane, as much for balance as anything, and wounds barely heal. On the whole, my health leaves a lot to be desired.

My personal growth: A lot of shit has happened. The least of which was losing my home and its contents to a woman I was a paid care provider for in my own home. The legal ramifications, the financial responsibility, and all the crap I was ordered to do by the court system. aside from being biased and wrong, have provided me with opportunities for growth as a person. I hate that it came at such great personal cost, but I am thankful that I have grown as a person, and like the man I am now. I talk of this readily to those who would listen.

My spiritual development: I am simply thankful for all of my blessings across the board, and believe wholly in a God who loves me. There was a time when I was sort of a "closet Christian". I believed, but you could not tell by looking. I gave little or no indication to others of my beliefs. It was personal to me, and I was pretty self centered, self conscious, and hated doing anything that brought attention to me.

My Relationships: Well, obviously, I need to work on the relationship with my sister. At least so far as to set up some personal boundaries. I guess I need to address issues of assertiveness. I need to be more assertive with the people around me, less concerned about not hurting peoples feelings, at least to the degree where my own feelings get overlooked. Most of the relationships surrounding my family need at least some work. We are not exactly a closely knit family.
My marriage ended back in July, and I have spoken to my ex wife once since the divorce was final. We have not been together in over three years, but I still care very deeply for her, and miss her terribly. I suppose this is normal. But at the same time, I have met someone who I very much enjoy spending time with. She seems to accept me how I am, and appreciates the effort I am making to change much of the crap that got in the way of my having healthy relationships in the past.

I do not know precisely which direction this friendship is going, but there does seem to be potential for a whole lot more. That is not to say that there will not be problems. I already see that communication will be an area that requires constant attention. I have a big mouth, a truly twisted sense of humor, and often speak without thinking. Oh yeah... I know... my brother Joe used to give me crap about my CPAP, especially after the doctor ordered me a chinstrap to keep my mouth shut while on the machine. It seems I probably could use it in other areas of my life, especially since the latch that is supposed to keep my mouth shut does not seem to work, or may be missing. (It's a joke... the latch is figurative) I have a thought, and out it spills. May need to work on my judgement too, since I spend a fair amount of time apologizing for hurting people's feelings with the at times incredibly off the wall things I say.

I could write several paragraphs about this wonderful woman who is responsible for bringing so many smiles to my life lately, but think for now, I should exercise some discretion. After all, the relationship at this time is complicated. Anything I say about it now could be premature. She does consider me her boyfriend, but I am not ready to place a title on the relationship yet. Like I said, there are some complications. Nevertheless, short of saying "I Love You", I am developing strong feelings for her, and she most definitely matters to me. I just can't write about it in great detail yet, for her sake mostly. Loose ends and all to tidy up. But as we progress from "just friends" to "something more", I will be writing in here. For the time being, I intend on spending as much time as I can getting to know this woman, being there for her as a friend, supporting her as best I can as she takes care of the things she has to. Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, and this is no exception. If I do intend on this relationship developing into a mature, nurturing, God-centered relationship, I know there are many things I need to do. I owe it to God, to her, to her son, and to myself.

ALIVE & WELL and LIVING IN THE PAST

Mood: Pensive

The title of this entry pretty much says it all. I am not here today. There are a lot of places I could be right now, but here is not one of them. This is made much more difficult by the fact that under the current governing laws of physics, no matter where my mind and heart are, my body is still stuck here typing. Even then there are things much more important that it should be taking care of right now. Shit.

Anyway, November is a month that for many represents the beginning of the holiday season, what with Thanksgiving and all. It is a time for families to gather together around the table in remembrance and thanksgiving, an opportunity to reflect on the many blessings we receive from God and family. Now, for me, I have not spent as much time around family as I perhaps should have, and for many reasons, I have never been emotionally available to my family and friends. It is a sad statement of the man I used to be, and an even sadder statement of the condition of my family unit. Look up dysfunctional in the dictionary, and you might find a portrait of my family.

November is a time of the year I adore, with the changing of the seasons, the bright colored fall foliage, the acrid smell of woodsmoke hanging in the crisp autumn air, and the sights and sounds of the quickly approaching promise of Christmas. I do love this time of the year, but would love it a lot more were I able to spend it with family. I sometimes long for the Norman Rockwell holidays, but generally when the opportunity did arise, I found yet another reason to spend the holidays alone, and in so doing bask in the depression that strikes me with regularity this time of the year without fail.

November marks several important dates this year.

• My 12th anniversary would have been on the 7th, had I not been divorced in July.
• My niece is celebrating her 21st birthday on the 19th.
• My brother Joe, would have celebrated his 64th birthday on the 18th.

So that's basically what's on my mind today. I am missing my brother, lamenting my failed marriage, regretting shoving my family away, and wishing I were better able to be there now for my family and friends.

This holiday season will not look any more like a Rockwell painting than any year previous, but I do hope to be able to spend it with family, and remember to be thankful that I have so much more than so many people do. As I pause to reflect on the things I am thankful for this year, maybe I should make it a point to let those I am thankful for know how I feel.

EMPTY WORDS

I have not been blogging as well as I might like, nor have I been journaling in my journals as frequently as I perhaps should. As a result, life passes byunnoticed. Not that I live a particularly exciting or noteworthy life but I feel that I should document at least some of it. Then again, who would read it? Ah well.... this blog is essentially intended for my family and friends and sinceI talk to neither as often as I should it is perhaps the only way they will know what is going on with me in my life. There it is. In a nutshell, my mission statement as it were. (*sigh) What is on my mind this morning is a conversation I had last night. I had gone to church, and even though I have been running on empty, physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally, I did muster up enough energy to pay attention to the sermon. (barely) The pastor talked about Ecclesiology; The branch of theology that is concerned with the nature, constitution, and functions of a church. Yeah, yeah... I know..... (SNORE) But let me cut to the chase. Fast forward, snip for brevity, and mention the one thing that stands out most in my mind as it is, verbatim, something I have been saying for years; "Love is a Choice." I have been also saying that I do not believe that people "fall" in love. I believe that the initial attraction, or lust, is just that.... purely physical, purely selfish, purley sexual. But, after that, you have a choice, and should you choose to love, then you can work towards growing into love. It takes a conscious effort, a committed decision, and a lot of work, especially if you are trying to do love by the numbers... as God intended. Numbers? Oh yeah.... numbers.... sorry. Number 1. (Mt 22:37-40)Love the Lord your God with all your heart Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. Number 2 Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. Number 3. 8"'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. By the numbers, we are instructed to love God our spouses, and our neighbors. Basically in that order. So.... how are we to Love God with all that we are, love our spouses as Christ loved the Church, and love our neighbors as ourselves? Seems to me like it is a tall order... especially if you knew my neighbors! LOL But, I digress, there is only one way. We have to choose to love, and put it all into God's Hands. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and generally, you have to make sacrifices. That's life. Anyway... as I was saying, I had a conversation last night following the service, and all of this was rummaging around in the back of my mind. In any case, the jist of this conversation with someone I am growing to care about was this: In typical fashion, women tend to be more ready emotionally than men when it comes to love and relationships. Men, on the other hand, tend to be less willing to open themselves up to the possibility. This is because of the primary difference between men and women being , essentially, apples and oranges. Men are physical, while women are emotional. So, it is not uncommon for a woman to say "I love you" first. Men may say it, but I am willing to bet that a lot of first "I Love You's" from men occur during sex. It seems like such a waste of those three very powerful words since in that instance they are merely empty words. Now here it is; I was talking about this with someone I am growing fond of, and I see great potential for a future together whether as friends, or as something more, but have not decided that direction yet. But... I do not want to mess up either possibility. I do not want to jeopardize a wonderful friendship by moving too quickly, and I do not want to screw up the "something more" by also moving too quickly, or not moving at all. Damn quandries! So what does one do? Beats the Hell out of me.... I simply do not know. What I do know is this: I already fucked up several friendships, and a marriage by being selfish, inconsiderate, unthoughthtful, disinterested, dishonest, and short sighted. I am not willing to say the words if they are only empty words. I want to be able to mean it when I do say them. I want to try always to put God first, or at the very least, include Him in the realtionship. Being human, this is not easy. I want to employ everything I have learned from my past to ensure that this woman and I have a fighting chance no matter which way our relationship goes. But, all that aside, I really have to say, it feels really good spending time with her.It feels even better knowing that for the first time in my life I have been completely honest, no secrets, and have let my guard down intentionally that I might let her in. While it has been a challenge so far it has also been somewhat of a catharsis. I basically am feeling pretty good about things, and my life in general, and that, too, is a change for me. It is about time for a positive change in my life.