NOCTURNE

Something is wrong. You feel somehow inexplicably that something is amiss, yet you cannot put your finger on it, and say "There! That's it! That is my problem!" No; you just do not feel right, and something deep inside you is telling you something is wrong. This is what I am feeling tonight, and it may be a large part of the reason I have not been sleeping well lately. This is like the third day of messed of sleep for me, and I have lost count of the number of days in a row that my stupid heart acted up. Yes, even now, as I type this, I can feel my heart beating rapid and irregular. Actually, it is in atrial fibrulation, so it is not so much beating in my chest as it is having a siezure. It is completely my fault too, I should not complain about my lot in life, or the trouble I have, because everything that is happening to me now is pretty much the result of me making some incredibly poor decisions in the past.

My heart; lack of exercise, smoking, bad diet, genetic predisposition aside, and diabetes aside, I made choices that affected my heart health, and I ended up with triple bypass at 37 years old. Too young for this sort of stuff. Okay, my diabetes situation is much the same.... Had I taken better care of myself.... and of course diabetes leaves me predisposed for heart disease.... CRAP!

Sometimes, I am afraid to go to sleep because on some level I am afraid I will not wake up. My father went to bed one night, he was 43 years old... he had been sick, and had just returned to work.... and that night died of a massive heart attack. I cannot say that less than 7 months before my 43rd birthday that it is not something I think about. I have long believed that I would not see past 43, but it was so much further away then. Now, it is practically here. My cardio surgeon told me if I did not change, I had 5 years, and that time is up in a few weeks. I think about this a lot and lament that I screwed up so bad. I had the opportunity to change... I had the opportunity to live.... but I wasted it. So.... leaves me asking myself: "Whatchugointodoaboutitasshole?"

For now, I am going to get my feet up, and try to get some rest. I will consider this all later.