OTHER PEOPLE'S TEARS

Since I was up this morning, rather, since I was still up this morning, poking around my blogs, I ran across an old blog which marked a very important moment in my life. I was writing about my ex wife and our relationship, and something profound slipped out. I had quite forgotten about it until this morning. Well, since I know she has never seen my blog, and had never read the entry, and since we are now talking again after several years of not talking, I went ahead and called her at work (she works graveyard) and asked if I could share the blog (read it to her). http://thetruthhurts.blogspot.com/2005_08_20_archive.html (You can find it here)

So I began to read. I thought it would only take a couple minutes... may have taken a few, but as I began to read, I realized that she had become deathly quiet. I realized I had her attention, and she was listening to me, so I continued to read. Now, I know I can write halfway decent if I set my mind to it, and that on occasion I actually write quite well. I think the entry wrote itself for me, but it came out well. As I finished reading the blog entry, I realized that she was crying softly. This was confirmed moments later when she sniffled a little, and said, "You asshole!"

I never intended to make her cry. God knows how many tears she has shed because of me. I think back over my life, and while I have had more than my own share of tears, I recognize that I have been the cause of many more tears. Not only with my ex wife, but my current girlfriend, my past girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my nephew once or twice, a particularly rude and obnoxious customer at the bar I used to work at; the list goes on. How many tears besides my own am I responsible for? When I got married, Pastor Jon wished Terri and I "enough tears to make us tender". We should never have given him free reign to modify our ceremony as he saw fit. But, in retrospect, I kinda understand what he meant, and I am thankful.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Not everyone can remain friends with thier ex spouse. Not everyone has the opportunity to take a good long hard look at themself and then have the opportunity to change.

I guess perhaps I am approaching yet another crossroads in my life, and I will be facing the prospect of changing yet again. This time, I think, I will be changing to save my life. I have promised it so many times through the years, and it is past time, way past time I live up to my promises.