RUMINATIONS

Yesterday I spoke to a friend who I met several years ago online, but having lost contact on more than one occasion, and letting much time pass, it was a little like starting from scratch. For each of us, like so much water under a bridge, life has continued on its merry way, years passed bringing us each closer to death. But life is not over for either of us yet and there is still time to do what God intended in the days that remain.

As Sheriff Chappy Dent (William H. Macy), in the 1999 movie "Happy Texas" said to Harry Sawyer (Jeremy Northam), "It's all about the finding out." That is the great thing about friends: Any amount of time can pass, even years, but when you see each other again, it is like no time has passed at all. You just pick up where you left off. In this case, the thing that strikes me is I really like how this person thinks and writes. I found them intelligent, articulate, and amusing. If I were not concerned with "the finding out", it would be my loss, because I believe in any relationship, the opportunity to grow as a person is always present.

During our brief chat last evening, I mentioned Leo Tolstoy's Diaries. He started his diaries when he was about 13 years old, and had filled 13 volumes by his death. Many of his entries were days, weeks, months, and on occasion years apart. I do not feel too bad that I too allow time to pass between my writings, whether it is journals or emails. I have , or would have about 8 volumes of journals had several of them not been lost to me. They represented about 20 years of my life. Too bad they were lost to me. I really need to get my shit together and start writing again. Many people have encouraged me, yet I still procrastinate, and fear rejection. Who would ever want to read what I have to say? Damn me and my low self esteem issues.

This is my first entry of 2009, and I think it is important to note that while I did not formally make any resolutions this year, I have decided to try to make 2009 the year I take back control. In the areas of my life where control is an issue, where I should have control but don't, specifically my health, and my attitude, I hope to take a more proactive approach, and change what I can. It is important, especially if I want to have a longer and healthier life. Something has to change, and I am the only person with the power to do that.