A NEW BLOG & A NEW PLACE TO RANT

For those of you that follow this blog, I hope you will look at my new blog. I had a sort of epiphany, and needed a place aside from here to explore other thoughts. Please Check it out, tell your friends if you want, and by all means, comment on my photoshopping. LOL I will be posting in both places.

http://backnine2020.blogspot.com/

FIRST NEW POEM IN A LONG WHILE

I do not know why the only time I feel inspired to write poetry is when my heart is broken, or when my life is in turmoil. Perhaps it is simply because it is during these times that I feel things most intensely, and perhaps I have no other outlet. I have a blog in the draft stage that is no where near ready to post, but this poem came from my broken heart this morning. It is written about my ex girlfriend/ex lover/ex friend Corrie. I did not choose for it to be over, I did not want it to end. But a lot of things have been going wrong for a long time, and yesterday she erased me from her life. Her friends erased me from theirs as well it appears. None of them read this, and it would not matter if they did. There is always one person left behind when a relationship ends. She was looking for a new relationship the whole time we were together, so I really am the fool here. But, broken hearts and promises. I still love her, and am in the grieving stage. So... as follows... my poem. Thanks for reading.

Brown Glass Eyes

(for Corrie)

As I look into my heart
Shattered beyond repair
To the place you used to occupy
Unable to find you there

I think about the love we had
The tears and laughter shared
The joy of your touch, the softness of your skin
In precious moments paired

I think of the flecks of gold and green
cast by God Himself in perfect array
The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
Closed forever to me this day

I think of the succulent taste of your lips
As they caress mine with tender kisses
I think with fondness of your hand in mine
And of the love my heart now misses.

An empty void in my heart
A hole inside my head
I did not want us to part
And I wish that I were dead.

You seemed to be the perfect one
Imperfect just like me
Happily I lived with you and your son
And prayed for our life to be

But now you have erased me from your life
And burned me from your heart
The dreams that you would be my wife
You methodically tore apart.

Your friends I see have erased me too
I must admit that really hurt me bad
I guess I had hoped for more from you
So I am more than a little sad.

From Zero Attraction
and fear of being hurt
My heart is in traction
Ground into the dirt

But the communication failed, the trust was broken
I thought that you loved me, I thought your love was true
But over time the untruths that were spoken
In your search to find someone new

You never gave me a chance to validate your heart
You felt unworthy of the love I gave
You were bent on destruction from the start
Now there is precious little to save

After all the trials that we faced,
After all that we had been through
From the day we first embraced
I fell in love with you.

I thought that we shared a love
Two lives once broken, joined and made anew
A gift to us from God above
I thought we shared a love, but turns out only I loved you.

THE TRUTH HURTS (A LOT SOMETIMES)

Truth... why is it that something so simple, so basic, so pure, not entirely unlike Love, Why does it have to be so subjective? Why is it that something as simple as honesty and truth can get lost in the shuffle? Why is it okay for a person to accuse another of dishonesty while boldly lying themself?

I really had other things I wanted to write about, happier things, but instead, the truth got in the way. So, if you find yourself reading this, and thinking, "Gee! He sounds angry!" That would be true. I am very angry today. I feel hurt, and betrayed, and used, and... dismissed. That is why this lengthy... (oh yes! It will be very lengthy!) blog is going to read a lot differently than any of my previous entries. It will look different, and sound different precisely because I am angry, and I have no other place to vent this complex hodge podge vomitus of emotion. It has to go somewhere, these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings.... I have to direct this somewhere constructive. If I had the money, I would take this all to my class that I need to get back to. Problem is, everything that I learned from the class, and I learned a lot, everything I learned is being tested. The best I can do right now is to acknowledge that I am in fact angry, and that I have a right to be angry. I do not, in my anger, have the right to be abusive or controlling of anyone else, and I am angry enough to stammer..... I cannot effectively articulate verbally how I am feeling. This is why I am sharing a part of me I have not shared so openly, so publicly before.

It is not always easy to admit when you make mistakes, and Lord knows I have made a large number of real doozies in my lifetime. I have learned a lot from my mistakes over the years, and by and large, I would not change a thing. I am older now than I have ever been before (talk about an astute observation.. D'oh!) and I would like to think I have aquired a little wisdom along the way. The reason I would not change much if anything in my past is because I realize that the man I am today is a product of the lessons I have learned, and the experiences I have had. It has taken me a lifetime to get to where I am, and I am glad to say that on the whole I finally like the man I see in the mirror. That is not to say that I am completely happy with the results of my choices, or the painful nature of some of the consequences of those decisions, both good and bad. Even at 40 something, a man can experience "growing pains".

Reality Check: Whether or not we like it, life is all about learning from our mistakes, trying very hard not to make the same mistakes again, and whenever possible, to share the lessons learned with our children, and those who may benefit from our experiences. I hated it when I was young, and my elders addressed me with phrases like, "Do as I say, Not as I do", or "Do you think I like the sound of my own voice?" (the answer to that question was in itself a learning experience..... case in point, when your father asks that question, whatever you do, it is in your best interest to resist the urge to respond in the affirmative; Instead, a simple "No Sir" will suffice nicely!) The thing to remember is that they are generally speaking from some sort of personal experience, and I, for one, choose to believe that in the majority of instances where one hears these types of phrases, the speaker really is trying to save us a lot of trouble down the road they have already travelled. One day, we too will attempt to pass our combined knowledge on to those who in our eyes would most benefit from hearing it. Are you buying this? I digress, I am getting off track a bit. Moving On.....

Mistakes... I have made my share plus several. Some of them were memorable enough to impact the rest of my life and the choices that followed. In no area did I make more mistakes than in my lovelife and my relationships. Sadly, those mistakes generally had the highest personal cost, which was not limited to how they affected me. When a person is involved in a relationship with another, the potential for hurt feelings and heartbreak to be felt by others is significantly more than if you were to lead a hermit's lifestyle. It is often referred to as a ripple effect. In my class, I learned to refer to it as collateral. We do not always intend to say and do things to hurt others It just happens.

I have tried to be a better man than I used to be. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of time in the Bible. I have journalled extensively, and I have opened my life up to anyone who cares to look, and my heart up to those that gave me hope. I look at myself in the mirror and see a milder, somewhat diffused version of the man I once was. I am less prone to anger, and more prone to discussion. I cannot look at myself in the same way as I once did, not do most people. Even my Ex Wife has noticed the changes in me, and marvelled at the change, something she never thought she would see.

Okay... I just ran across this on one of the blogs I follow. It is about the coolest thing I have seen in a long time.... next to celephane wrap on a toilet bowl... thats still pretty funny. Just Kidding! Geez! But, if you use batteries, How cool is this? Solar Batteries... recharge simply by placing in the sunlight. Awesome!

http://www.livbit.com/article/2009/02/19/the-solar-batteries/

MORAL COMPASS? SPINNING RESOLUTELY OUT OF CONTROL, THANKS FOR ASKING.

I am in a quandry this morning. I have a lot on my mind.

Why is it that things must be so difficult sometimes?I am not a

bad man, I'm not. Okay, okay... you can quit laughing anytime.

You ! In the corner! I hear you snickering! Don't make me open

a can of Whup-Ass! Even Jessica Rabbit once said, "I'm not bad;

I am just drawn that way!"

Okay, joking aside; Why is it difficult sometimes, knowing right from wrong as I do, to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to make the moral choice, and then stick with it? Why do things have to get so very complicated so very quickly? For me, my achilles' heel is women. I love women. I love the way they smell, taste, feel, and look. Still very much struggle understanding how they think. So, here is my dilemma: I have a girlfriend, at least I think I do, thought I did.... alright, that relationship is a little fuzzy right now. She is having a hard time knowing what she wants, and as angry as I get with the bullshit, I am having a hard time with the whole relational yo yo myself. There is a part of me that still genuinely loves this woman. As maddening as she can be at times, and angry as I want to be at her, as much as I want to just close the door by whatever means necessary and simply walk away, my heart is making it hard.

She mocks me in my dreams. I see her, and I feel her in my arms, and sometimes, it seems so very real. I hear certain songs on the radio, and again, whatever I am doing, wherever I am, as soon as I hear the song, there she is again.






I am reminded of a Delbert McClinton song. The lyrics follow:






You Were Never Mine




I saw someone again today


Who remembered me and you


They asked all the same old questions


I gave the same excuse


They said what a shame, what a shame


To lose a love so fine






But I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






I kept on believing What I wanted to believe


The unspoken promises


That you could never keep


But it's a sin, oh it's a sin


To tell yourself a lie






I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






Did you give me all you gave me


Just because I needed you


But when I needed all your love completely


Was it more than you could do






Sometimes deep in the night


When I hold you in my dreams


I get lost in your loving touch, baby


I can't believe how real it seems






And I know, yes I know


I'll have you 'till the end of time


'Cause I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you 'cause you were never mine






I never lost you, I never really lost you


How could I lose you, you were never mine

************

I believe that so many things are happening right now in my life to distract me from the important things. I believe that Ol' Scratch (Satan) is having a heyday with me right now by putting these circumstances and obstacles in my path. Now, being a Christian, I do know where the real power lays, and I know where I need to turn to find the resolution to my problem, but being human, being male, and all the flaws that come with those two birthdefects, I am prone to want to figure my own way out of this. Yep. Us guys are so adept at fixing things, that when we fix them, we fix them REAL good. Let's ignore the fact that whatever it was was no where near as broken before we showed up!

So... here it is, I am broken up with my girlfriend, or am I? I have yet to receive a definative answer from her. My ex wife and I are still friends, after everything that happened, and I want to be her friend. The possibility now exists that we could fix the broken in our failed and ended marriage. But should we? Do I really want to? I do not want to go back to the way things were, and as much as I care for her, the only change she has seen is the passage of years. She still lives exactly the same as she did when we first started dating, and I ignored it back then. In a marriage, I could no longer ignore it.

Suffice to say, I am anal retentive, and she isn't. I do not want to be the chief cook, bottlewasher, and house keeper again. No... I just do not want to pick up behind anyone all the time. I cannot live like that, in the situation she does. It would make me crazy. (Inferring that I am not yet? Right!) She has been alone since she left me, and I think she misses having someone around that is not covered in fur and doesn't hack up hairballs. But, even though I am thrilled that she has had the opportunity to see that I can and did change (after twelve years of fighting it), is that reason enough to try again? Both of our families and most of our friends are against it. For me, the appeal is being a part of a family again, for I am tired of being an outsider all the time.

I suppose much of my confusion is based on the fact that I also do not know what I want anymore. I have been distracted and not thinking very clearly for a long time now. I still love my ex wife, but I am not IN LOVE with her anymore. I am still IN LOVE with my ex girlfriend, but do not want the relationship to go on as it has. I cannot live wondering if and when she will betray my trust again. I cannot live with the feeling that I will always be last in her priorities. She says she loves me, but she has been looking for whatever it is she feels she is missing online, and has had relations with another man while we were still together.

Then again, I also cheated on my wife while we were married. I had relations with the one woman while we were still together, and three others after we were no longer living together. After the divorce was final, I met Corrie, and was terribly gunshy and cautious. It was months before we met in person, but after only three months of dating, we were sleeping together. We lived together for about a year, and then parted company, with me moving across town, and her moving out of state.I really tried to be a better man

ORANGE CATS

I made this video a couple years back, more or less as a Mother's Day Gift for my Wife. This was one of the last things I did for her before she moved away. I never really thought I would see her again after she left, and with the exception of the divorce hearing, I was pretty much correct. But in the last 6 months or so, things have opened up in terms of our communication, so she was actually here today as I posted this video, and of course, it made her cry.

HIDDEN TALENTS

Sometimes I consider my own mortality and wonder if, or how I will be remembered. Will I be remembered fondly for my sense of humor, or will I be remembered as a good and kind man? Will I be remembered for all of the mistakes I have made, or the many hurts I have caused? Will I be remembered at all, or will I be remembered for my many hidden talents? If I am remembered for anything, will those that remember me still wonder why I never did anything with my life?

I was chatting with a friend online last night, and shared some of my drawings. Her question of me was "What are you doing keeping all of this talent to yourself?" I really did not have a very good answer, but my response to her query was "I already know I am talented, but... I do not care enough about it to do anything about it. I do these things because I enjoy them. If I tried to do it for a job, I would grow to hate it."

She accepted my answer, but obviously did not agree with me. She told me "I'm not saying it would have to be a job. It would be sharing with others and maybe witnessing to some that may need it too." She continued, "...you and I really need to meet....so I can kick your butt!!! What are you doing? You have so much talent, and you are keeping it all to yourself. I'm not saying this because I think all art and talent should be exploited or something. But, gifts of this magnitude are meant to be shared for others to enjoy. God gave you this gift, it should be shared, and it can be shared in the terms of understanding that it comes from God, therefore helping others to become interested in what that means....and you could be helping others, whether it is kids who also doubt their own talent, or adults who have been thru a lot too."

Of course she is right. I could share my talents, my abilities, my art, my resources, my time, and even my life. There are many areas across the board where I have been very selfish, and there are many things I could be doing a lot differently. Even if I changed, and began to share more of myself, I may not make a difference in any one else’s life, but perhaps in opening myself up to others, perhaps it will be my life that is changed. Perhaps in letting go of my inhibitions, my fears, my insecurities, my pride.... perhaps in the letting go of these things I will find my life becoming better, and I myself growing happier, and healthier.

The images I am posting along with this blog are all pictures and cartoons and caricatures I have drawn the past couple years. Towards the end of 2006 I became interested in pointillism, and many of the drawings here are approximately the size of postage stamps. I will attempt later to post other drawings I have done, which include more cartoons, doodles, sketches, and even tattoos I have drawn. I have so many photos to go through, and boxes of paper... I cannot say how long it will take me to do all of this.

My friend was right, even though I have heard the same speech over the years from my ex wife, my sister, my girlfriends, my friends, my family, and just people who have seen the handful of drawings I have laying around. Every one of them it seems, is more interested in my potential than I am. Every one of them gets frustrated with me for not exploiting these gifts. I understand thier feelings, and have no problem understanding the point they keep trying to make. I just wish they could for one moment step into my shoes and understand how difficult this all is for me. Here I have something I like to do, and something I am good at, but to me, it will never be good enough. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and there is a certain order I have to keep. When things fall out of array or out of routine, It makes me crazy.

When I was young, I played the clarinet. I practiced seven days a week. However, I would never be allowed to ever become proficient at it. My step father was a rotten man. Angry, bitter, miserly, and mean. He was fine to everyone else, but to me, he was a tyrant. I was kicked out of my home, but my nephew was allowed to move in. I was not allowed to touch him ever, but he touched me often enough with a switch. For that matter, he touched me often enough with his fists and hands.

As for the clarinet, I was only allowed to practice in the cold unfinished basement. He hated the repetitious nature of my lessons, and did not want to hear me play. let alone hit the bad notes. Now, if you have played a reed instrument, you know it is not a pleasant sensation when you hit the bad notes anyway. But to have him ridicule me when I did play, and yell at me when I didn't, it created confusion in me. He was always reminding me how much the instrument was costing, and I "by God better make it worth the money he was paying." As best I can tell, it was never worth the money.

I was not allowed to eat in the same room as him, I was not allowed to leave my room except to eat and use the bathroom. I never was allowed to draw (waste paper) or build anything ("don't know how to use tools properly" Every step of the way instead of encouraging, loving, and teaching me, he beat me down and ridiculed me. He minimized every accomplishment I ever had, and never once called me by my name. Around other people I was referred to as "the boy", but when we were alone, I was usually some variation of "You worthless son of a bitch!" This killed whatever self esteem I had.

To this day, if I cannot do it well, I generally will not do it at all. I now know I have choices and I do try to make the right ones, but sometimes it is easier just not to try at all. Thats it in a nutshell. I hope you like these images. I am going to post this as it is, and will get back to the thought later. I have been awake since 4am, and with only three hours sleep under my belt, I am just not able to focus any more right now. Thanks for your patience.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, AND THANKS FOR THE BROKEN HEART

I really blew it today. I know how and why I lost my composure, and yet somehow looking back at the things I said, it does not seem real. Maybe it has not sunk in yet. I blew it. I am in a miserable mood right now, mostly feeling sorry for myself. I am angry at myself, and I am angry at my ex girlfriend. The horrible part is that I feel like she finally forced me to do and say these things tonight. Because of my underlying emotions, and my feelings of loss of control in my life and relationship, I allowed my hurt feelings to fester into anger, and when I did that, it opened the door for me to act and talk in a way that was potentially abusive and controlling. Were my words abusive? Was I abusive? Was I really controlling? As I explore these questions and try to sort out my thoughts, I apologize for whatever emotions I may trigger from those that read this blog. I apologize for my intensity, and I hope you can forgive me. I am essentially just venting, and this is the only outlet I have at 4am on Valentine's Day.



My ex girlfriend and I have been struggling for a time. I know it is not all my fault as she might have others believe, and I know it is not entirely her fault, which I actually accused her of tonight. But there is so much more to this story, and I have to write about it. I HAVE TO.... for my sanity. I need to sort out these myriad thoughts and feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. I am presently feeling an overall sense of sick emptiness. My heart is crumbling yet again because I am in denial. I love this woman even though things have not been going well for awhile. I never wanted to hurt her, but yet it is precisely what she expected all along, and what she accused me of, what she challenged me to do everytime things got particularly difficult.



In order for me to do damage control tomorrow, likely by way of an email, I need to think about the things that are bothering me, and put them into words as opposed to feelings. I need to identify what hurt me and why it hurt me, I need to acknowledge that I am indeed angry, even if anger is actually a secondary emotion.

Here are some snippets I found about love.

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works.

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day.

Don’t leave everything to to god though, because:
“God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces.”


Here is something positive for you,


“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. “


And as positive as it gets:


It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all.


Or you can laugh it away with something like:Nothing takes the taste out of peanutbutter quite like unrequited love.


And never giving up:


It takes a minute to like someone, and hour to love someone, but to forget someone takes a life time.

MORE PICS

ROBO-BOB AND THE BOYS

I am still scanning and editing the stack of photographs my exwife gave me, and in the last entry posted some pics of some posies and some pussies. (Flowers and Felines?) Looks like I will add a few more as I make more progress scanning them in. Aside from the yawn shots of Abbott and Costello (Red & Blue collars) there is one of the boys playing with their buddy Bob. I had a RoboSapien for a while, and not sure that the cats did not have more fun with him than I did. I was able to have Bob grasp one or more of their toys and play with the cats until Abbott (Red) took the toy away from Bob and dragged it to my ex to play with.

OLD PHOTOGRAPHS

My exwife found a number of pictures I took during the last couple months we were together. It was summertime, a couple months after my heart surgery, and the flowers around our house were in full bloom, and our cats were out everyday playing in the sunshine. So, I am uploading several of the pics, including one of each of our kitties Abbott & Costello. (Abbott in Red Collar, Costello in Blue Collar)