THE COURAGE TO GO ON

Aside from spending so much time in the hospital lately, I find myself in an emotional rut. I am depressed. I am not so much lonely as simply feeling alone. Sometimes at night, I lay awake wishing sleep would find me, but instead lie staring at the ceiling, alone with my thoughts, running at somewhat less than a million miles an hour. I start to fall asleep, and something happens. A door slams, downstairs, a phone rings, an instant message or email beeps in, or sometimes, nothing at all, and my eyes snap open. Then I, with nothing else to do, count my own heartbeats and wonder about my life.

It can be safely assumed that I am not happy. I am neither happy nor sad. I just am. I am depressed. I feel alone a lot. I fear death and contemplate my own mortality. I pray, and I worry. I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am not a failure, but I am not particularly successful. My dreams, most of them feel out of reach, unattainable. My family, by and large is scattered and broken. Months and years pass between contacts. Much the same can be said of my friends. I have a small handful of people I talk to regularly. All of them it seems have lives.

I want to discuss some things I have learned about relationships, and recently, the importance of the lesson I will write about today has been driven home with amazing clarity and precision. It pretty much validates to me that in premise, though certainly not worded very well, I am on the right track with my thinking.

I have been hurt in relationships through out my life, and I have hurt those I have been in relationships with. Being hurt is not a good enough reason to deliberately hurt someone you claim to love. I have learned that in relationships it is always best to keep your mouth shut, no matter what happens. If you want to save the relationship, then it is up to you to preserve it. If it fails, then you can explain the reasons if you want, but the nobler thing would be to simply let it go. Never bad mouth your partner, always be willing to accept full responsibility for the failure, even if you feel it was not your fault. Accountability, personal responsibility; let the petty differences go, let the more important issues go. Take the high road. Be discreet, be honorable, be tactful. There is no need to hurt the other person just because you are hurt. The only people that need be involved are the two people involved in the relationship. What happens in the relationship should stay in the relationship. Unless there is reason to discuss it with someone else, i.e., a counselor. If anything must be said, take the blame yourself, treat the other person with respect even if they betrayed you. Sort of following the simple acronym popular among Christians: "What Would Jesus Do? (WWJD) He was persecuted, beaten, lied about, tortured, and finally killed, yet He remained true to His nature. He forgave them all. He took it all upon Himself. I do not claim to be like Jesus, no sir, that is not my point. But I would do well to learn from His example and remain humble and meek. I have nothing to prove to anyone. No one that is, except to myself. Beyond that, I guess I simply wish I had the answers to the problems I am facing right now. I wish I could find the strength and courage to face them head on.