For the past few days I have placed this blog in a state of suspended animation. It seems that my last entry was determined to be hurtful by someone mentioned in it. I read it several times over, and honestly, I cannot see how it is hurtful. Yet I apologized for it and the pain it allegedly caused. Today, following more pain of my own, I decided to be true to myself. That is what the last entry was about in the first place. I will not be silenced just because someone does not agree with what I think and feel. It really does not matter if I am wrong or not. I have a right to feel as I do, and to express myself. I will make subtle modifications throughout this blog to eliminate anything that may cause this person undue distress, but I will not do more than to eliminate any personal identifiable information. This may take me a little time to complete, but I will get it done in as timely a manner as possible. I wrote about taking the high road, about having some class and decorum in my last entry, but the entry upset someone I care very much for. They felt it to be a personal attack, and that is certainly not how the entry was intended. So... while I am not going to take it back, the damage is already done, I am going to try to prevent it from causing any more damage.
Meanwhile, my on again, off again relationship is back to the Off position. I wish I were able to repair the damage, but it occurs to me that the damage that exists may have been a pre-existing condition. I want to bare my heart and soul here, but feel limited in what I am able to say because they can read this, and have. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. I love the person I am referring to, and would do anything for them. Unfortunately for me, what this means at the moment, painful as it is, I have to back off, and leave them completely alone. I need to forget about the friendship, the romance, the love I feel for her and her son. I have to let go of the last two years, no matter how much it hurts me to do so. I have to give up on someone who means the world to me. Of course, I have been here several times in the last year, and the emotions I feel are at the very least perplexing. Like the picture says, The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you.
I cannot fix the problem, but I am beginning counseling within the week, and am optimistic that the counselor will be able to help me work through these myriad complex and confounding emotions. This blog will remain my catharsis. It will be my link to the outside and inside worlds.
There is no need to get hurt, or to allow myself to hurt others. Since last September, I have given every effort to try to save this relationship I was in, and I am coming to realize that one person cannot hold a friendship or relationship together, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try. I have not wanted to give up on the relationship even though I was told over and over again that it was over. Fair enough. I am still a friend, and will try always to be true to that nature in myself. Love hurts.... it really does hurt sometimes. But, I still cling to the belief that in the name of love, it is always worth it.
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