Yeah, well... I was kinda stuck for a title, so this will have to do for now. I am not having a good evening. I actually feel quite lost right now. This is normal. I always feel this way when my heart is broken. The truth is, I hate feeling like this, but I am a sensitive man. I am one of those weird guys who has gotten in touch with his feelings. I am not afraid to cry, but that is not to say that I enjoy crying. To the contrary, crying sucks. Yet sometimes it is the only way we have to release the painful emotions that come with a break up, or a death. Whatever the circumstance, there is a mourning period, and it is just something we must muddle through. It is seldom easy. If I had to describe my feelings at this moment, the best word I could come up with is "Lost". I feel lost. I feel alone, I feel afraid, and I feel like a part of my heart is missing. It feels like a part of me is gone. But all that aside, I am sure at least one person would blame the way I feel on gas or something like that. This most definitely is not gas, but as far as situations go, the situation stinks.
I am in love. I have been in love pretty much from the moment I met her in person. But I was afraid then too. I will never forget the nervousness as I beat feet down to the 7-Eleven where I was to meet her for the first time. I had seen pictures of her, and knew she was driving a purple car... actually, it was more burgundy. It was her idea to meet, and I could no longer validate putting it off. We had, after all, been chatting online for nearly 3 months. I was sooo nervous. I wanted to make a good impression. I put on a nice turtle neck, a pair of slacks, an overcoat, and a gentleman's hat, I looked pretty nice. I wanted to look nice for her. The first I saw of her was her smile. A beautiful infectious grin that only slightly masked the nervousness she was also feeling. That evening, we went down to the riverfront, between Beaches and McMennamin's, and walked along the boardwalk in the moonlight. It was a cool, but clear autumn evening. It was just over two years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember being so nervous that when I accidentally touched her arm, I nearly had a coronary. I thought perhaps I had accidentally brushed her breast, and apologized profusely. She just laughed at me, and told me that I was so cute, and sweet to be concerned. "But was it really so awful to touch me?" she asked.
We walked and we talked for a couple hours actually, and I think I knew then that I wanted to see much more of her. I even tried to be on good behavior. I really tried in the next several weeks to be honorable, to be a Godly man, and acted appropriately around her. I did not touch her or hug her, or kiss her. We just talked. But she respected me for trying to put God first.
But a couple months pass, and she agrees to take me to Bellingham to take care of a matter of personal business. It was supposed to be a simple trip, and I even made arrangements to stay with a pastor friend of mine. Sadly, I think we both knew what was going to happen. I think we both wanted it. That night, we crossed a line we could not cross back over again. Regrets? one or two. It was awkward, clumsy. and it was not what God wanted for us. But, we prayed about it together the next day, and we really did enjoy the rest of our trip. But that night, I hurt her feelings. My mouth.. my inability to keep my thoughts to myself. She ended up in tears, and I felt awful.
Still, upon returning home she had a new apartment, and as the weeks progressed, I was spending more and more time with her. She thought if I simply stayed, it would be a good thing. Her son likes me, she and I were getting along great, and for the next several months, I honestly believe they were the happiest months of my life. There were problems. But I felt like I belonged with her. Still some people frowned on us being together, and it made things difficult.
Things happened as things often do. Mistakes were made on both sides, and each of us walked away with new scars on top of our old ones. Even in he bad moments though, I could not keep from loving her even more. I bought her a promise ring which she says is one of her most treasured possessions. She claims to love me. But in all honesty, each of us is afraid of being hurt. We really are on the same page, but cannot seem to communicate.
I love her. She means the world to me. I want to do anything I can to help her, to be there for her. And without her, I feel completely empty and alone. I am reminded of a song that God gave me many years ago. I knew when I heard it for the very first time that it was important. Today, even though it is a different person I am in love with, the words hold just as deep a meaning to me now as they did all those years ago. I hope she understands that the tears I cry when I hear this song now, these tears are for her.
For her.... Mark Knopfler's "I'm the Fool"
( be sure to play the song itself in the window to the right)
I never thought I'd be the one
To be the raging bull
There'd always be a smoking gun
Who'd up and lose his cool
I never thought I'd have to say
I'm sorry, my love, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
I left my dreams with broken strings
It's time I learnt to talk
Stop falling over things
Teach myself to walk
I'm not a superman
Or Mr. wonderful, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
I'm the know it all
Trying to mend his broken heart
But I don't know who to call
And I don't know where to start
Now if you should lose your faith in me
I don't know where I'd run
I hope you'll always let me be
Your only one
Am I your one true love
Or am I too late for your applause
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
Darling, I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
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