Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
TIRED BUT NOT SICK, NOT YET.
I have not been writing. Life kinda got in the way. It happens. I have a pack full of troubles, like stones, dragging me down, hunching me over, busting my back, wearing me out, and breaking my heart. Okay... I am being overly dramatic. So, sue me! It is not as bad as all that. But I am very tired, and am finding less and less strength to face these things.
The move... I could write about that. But moving to Oregon is not my biggest problem. Who knows? I may actually like it. I have never actually lived there. Worked there, yes. But as a rule, I have never liked Oregon, because I did not know it. Turns out it is every bit as pretty as Washington, with a lot of places to see, and things to do. I am beginning to look forward to the move, but still have apprehensions.
What I want to write about, I cannot. Suffice to say, I am facing a dilemma which I am finding very taxing and emotionally draining. I am doing the right thing hopefully for the right reasons, but am realizing that the opportunity cost of either choice I make is rather steep. All I can do is pray it will work out for the best in the end.
The move... I could write about that. But moving to Oregon is not my biggest problem. Who knows? I may actually like it. I have never actually lived there. Worked there, yes. But as a rule, I have never liked Oregon, because I did not know it. Turns out it is every bit as pretty as Washington, with a lot of places to see, and things to do. I am beginning to look forward to the move, but still have apprehensions.
What I want to write about, I cannot. Suffice to say, I am facing a dilemma which I am finding very taxing and emotionally draining. I am doing the right thing hopefully for the right reasons, but am realizing that the opportunity cost of either choice I make is rather steep. All I can do is pray it will work out for the best in the end.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
MOVING OUT
To the few people that follow this blog, please accept my abject apologies for letting so much time pass between entries. I suppose it is simply a matter of priorities, and I have not made this enough of a priority to write in. Same applies to my journals. Life, it seems keeps getting in the way. The irony in that statement lies in the fact that I actually do not have a life.
However, for health reasons galore, emotional, physical, financial, I am moving out of the self imposed prison in which I have lived for the past 18 months. Last November, I moved in with a friend whom I have known for 30 years. Apparently somewhere along the line, I quit knowing him. Since moving in, even though basically he is still good people, his personal issues have made life for me here unbearable. So much so that I spend 95% of my time locked in my room. His drug use, drinking, relationships, attitudes, moodiness, and anger at virtually everything in the world has made my existence here a living hell. Not that it was a bad deal, but it was not equitable or fair. It was never my home. It was never my place. The lack of respect in certain areas made me feel taken advantage of.
Now, one month out, I plan on moving out of state into a new home, which I only hope is better than this one. I have taken my time finding a place, and asking every conceivable question of my new room mate. It seems like a good deal, and I am hopeful and fearful at the same time. It means a major change in the way I have been living across the board, and my biggest fear I think is trading one bad situation for another. Ultimately, I think I need to find a small place by myself. But for now, I have to keep things affordable. The heavy stuff gets moved today. This concerns me. I used to be the strongest person I knew,but as time has passed since the heart surgery, I am finding myself not as able to handle the heavy lifting I once did. I need to eventually opt for higher quality, yet lighter furniture. At least I am getting out of this second story apartment, and moving into a single level house. I hope for the best, but still fear the worst. I am angry at myself for feeling this way, but apparently, I have been conditioned to be like this. I know how and what happened, but feel impotent to change the defects in myself that cause the difficulties I face.
I guess the best I can do for right now is to move ahead, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and ask those that do care about me to pray for only good things.
However, for health reasons galore, emotional, physical, financial, I am moving out of the self imposed prison in which I have lived for the past 18 months. Last November, I moved in with a friend whom I have known for 30 years. Apparently somewhere along the line, I quit knowing him. Since moving in, even though basically he is still good people, his personal issues have made life for me here unbearable. So much so that I spend 95% of my time locked in my room. His drug use, drinking, relationships, attitudes, moodiness, and anger at virtually everything in the world has made my existence here a living hell. Not that it was a bad deal, but it was not equitable or fair. It was never my home. It was never my place. The lack of respect in certain areas made me feel taken advantage of.
Now, one month out, I plan on moving out of state into a new home, which I only hope is better than this one. I have taken my time finding a place, and asking every conceivable question of my new room mate. It seems like a good deal, and I am hopeful and fearful at the same time. It means a major change in the way I have been living across the board, and my biggest fear I think is trading one bad situation for another. Ultimately, I think I need to find a small place by myself. But for now, I have to keep things affordable. The heavy stuff gets moved today. This concerns me. I used to be the strongest person I knew,but as time has passed since the heart surgery, I am finding myself not as able to handle the heavy lifting I once did. I need to eventually opt for higher quality, yet lighter furniture. At least I am getting out of this second story apartment, and moving into a single level house. I hope for the best, but still fear the worst. I am angry at myself for feeling this way, but apparently, I have been conditioned to be like this. I know how and what happened, but feel impotent to change the defects in myself that cause the difficulties I face.
I guess the best I can do for right now is to move ahead, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and ask those that do care about me to pray for only good things.
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A divorce brought me down to a two bedroom apartment floor to ceiling full of stuff. Unforeseen events brought that back down to a small storage unit full of stuff, and the clothes on my back. Now here it is, 25 years after that very first move, and I have another storage unit, but everything I own fit into one small bedroom. As I am going through it now, I am determined to reduce the crap to as little as possible. It is not that I can't take it with me; I no longer want to.