It is cold outside, patches of frozen slush lie here and there beneath the trees that rise up from within the neighborhood like monolithic spires. The trees surround us here in Pheasant Park, like a mask, they both envelop and protect the neighborhood, towering mostly straight and tall above the homes and wetlands that lie beneath. Nearly invisible in satellite images, the quiet loops and cul de sacs are sheltered from the busy highway just a couple hundred meters away. Sheltered from light, noise, snow, and to a degree, even rain, the neighborhood is a testament to the dreams of the affluent people that lived here 40 years ago. It is a nice neighborhood, one way in, one way out, even the tires of the cars that venture past the NO OUTLET signs are muffled by the blanket of pine needles and leaves. The jays and the squirrels chatter at one another, while the herons wade through the wetlands. Residents walk their dogs to the end of the road and back, casually waving at each other as they pass. It is a nice neighborhood, and I am thankful beyond measure to be able to live here However, in the garage, where the spiders gather for their union meetings, plotting the eventual demise of the humans that also reside here, it is cold, dusty and unpleasant. This is where I have spent the last three days, scrubbing, cleaning, shuffling, moving, organizing, and stacking what seems like mountains of refuse. In short, I am not having very much fun.
Yet, I am glad not only for the place to live, and the kindness of the woman that rents to me, but also for the opportunity to do these chores which have been a welcome distraction from the myriad things on my mind. Too, I am looking forward to being able to go out into the garage and actually be able to move about freely and to be able to locate a tool or a box with relative ease. My landlord looks forward simply to being able to park her nearly $50k Volvo SUV out of the weather. We both look forward to being able to do things in the garage, ranging from painting, to carpentry, to pottery, to bike repair, and weightlifting. I marvel at my fortune to have landed such a place to live, and know it is part of a larger plan. It is that plan, and the personal struggles that I am having that occupy many of my thoughts lately.
The holidays generally are a difficult time for me, having little family around, and being uncomfortable around strangers. I miss having family around, and I miss being surrounded by those I love. Love itself is one of the things that troubles me. It adds to life, and makes it all worthwhile, but at the same time it can be so complicated, so confusing, and at times even empty and painful. A life without love is like thorns without a rose. Where is the reward for having to deal with all the pricks? (I know... my bad... but it seemed too apt to pass up on!)
I am in the middle... I think... of reinventing myself, of discovering who I am, and who God would have me be. I have always believed in God, but not always followed the rules. But as I reached my 40's, I really started coming into being. I know, without hesitation or reservation, that God has been actively working on me for quite some time... molding me, shaping me, leading me, preparing me for something big. Unfortunately, change never comes easily, though sometimes it comes quickly. In my case, I fight it, so it doesn't come all that quickly either. I guess I am just a slow study. Be that as it may, I have spent enough time in prayer and meditation to have realized that I am EXACTLY where I need to be at EXACTLY the right time. Even though I do not like it, I am supposed to be still, and wait. Continue what I am doing, and draw closer to God. That is what I know. However.... I have OCD and control issues, and relinquishing control for me is not easy. I want the things I want, and I want them now. I do not always understand why I have to wait. I am only recently learning how to apply something I have known for years. "Let go, and let God." Trusting people is difficult, and trusting God can be too. Especially if you are like me, and want to do things your own way.
Right now, I need to be out working in the garage, but I am sitting here typing. It is warmer in the house than in the garage. I want to continue with this thought, and am afraid if I stop, that I will not get back to it. Such, too, is the case with the garage. If I do not stop this, I will never complete that. Sigh* Wish me luck... This project and two others needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon. I will get back to writing a little later.
If you do happen to see this, please let me know you dropped by. I could really use the encouragement. Thanks, and have a great day, and a Happy Thanksgiving. Even if I do not want to celebrate, I do have a lot to be thankful for. What are you thankful for?
