Truthfully speaking

For the last couple years I have been finding that I am growing intolerant of some things in my life. I am finding that I do not have room in my life for dishonesty for example. I haven't the patience to dink around with wasting words when it comes to expressing my feelings. I am also finding that as I move further away from the angry man I used to be, I am by far more direct and honest than I have ever been. Communication and honesty are at the top of my list of importance in my relationships. I have learned that respect and trust may be more important than love. You can't really have love without trust and respect.

This is a painful realization for me, because in the past 6 months especially, since I moved out of my girlfriend's house, I have had the opportunity to observe the change in her behavior, and how she treats me, and also, more importantly, the change in how I respond to the feelings I have. I am more vocal than I have ever been, telling everyone point blank what and how I am feeling, and if I were to choose one word to describe what this has done for me, that word would be "Freedom". The more direct and honest I am, the more free I feel. I believe that this change in the way I handle things has resulted in a reduction in my blood pressure, my stress level, and my overall happiness.

A couple years ago, I still did not have the tools necessary to handle stress. I would become frustrated because I had feelings I was not able to articulate. My frustration would lead to anger, and then violence. Unable to express my feelings verbally, I expressed them behaviorally. This is not something I am proud of, however, having had the opportunity to look closely at my behavior, and my life in general, I am so very thankful for the transformation in my life. That is not to say that my life is where I want it to be, but I am a lot more accepting of the things I am not able to change. Yep! I am a freakin' walking serenity prayer.

Anyway, for the past several months I have been feeling a more and more urgent need to tell her how I am feeling, but have been unable to do so. In part, I have been afraid to talk to her about these feelings, because I do not want to hurt her feelings. But let's face it, that is not fair to either of us. I also feel like she has been using different controlling behaviors to avoid the discussion that would define our relationship. This is how I feel, but in all fairness, I am biased. I am not seeing both sides, only mine, so this is certainly a unilateral narrative. But, I feel that for the past several months she has been giving me just enough of what I need to keep me hanging on. She has been telling me that she loves me. She occasionally calls me "her guy" which I love hearing. She Texts me telling me that she loves me and misses me. She does little things that show me she cares. But.... at the same time, she is actively looking for other men online. She has dated several, and there are times when I feel she is being evasive and dishonest to me.

Maybe she does not want to hurt my feelings, but I feel like she is rebelling right now. She was in a marriage for 16 years, and has a 9 year old son. The marriage was not healthy, and ended badly, and her ex is a total jerk. I understand that she needs time to get over the divorce, I understand that she is finding herself free for the first time... well, ever. But we had been in a relationship. I wanted to marry her. The problem is that she has hurt me, and has done enough, let me down enough, pushed me away enough that I have lost the trust and respect I once had for her. Don't get me wrong, I still have trust and respect for her, but not in all areas. I do not believe her when she tells me we will get together. I do not believe her when she promises to be somewhere at a given time. I do not know if she has been sleeping with these men she has dated, and I do not think I want to know. I am already jealous, and distrustful.

What I want, what I need, what I expect in a relationship, is honesty. I want your yes to be yes, and your no to be no. I want you to show up in a timely manner when you say you will. I want you to communicate with me when things come up. I do not want to be sitting or standing around all day waiting for you to show up. I want you to tell me that I am important to you. I need you to not only tell me that you love me, but I need you to prove it. If I am your boyfriend, then aside from God and your son, I want to be first in your life. I do not want to feel like I am always taking a backseat to everyone. I hate feeling like I am your standby. I need to feel important to you. I need to be able to talk to you, to communicate. I cannot sit on these feelings indefinitely. I have been through a lot learning how to control my anger, and it is very important to me to be able to no longer stuff my emotions. I have no room for anger in my life anymore.

... oops! Kinda slipped into the first person there... but you get the point. I need to know where I stand, I want and deserve the truth. I am capable of great love, and I feel so much love... the man I am now is by far a better man than I have ever been. I am even willing to wait... but these issues need to be addressed. If not now, then later. I am not going to change this honesty and directness. Sorry. I like who I am. For the first time in my life I can say that. I like being 40 something. Even though there are things I need to change in my life, my life is good. I just wish I did not feel like I were traveling though it alone. I want and need someone to share it with. I have so much love to give, it just does not feel right not having to spend so much of it alone in front of this computer. But, for now, I have my health to focus on, and with summer coming, I hope to ride my bike a lot more.

Maybe I don't have time for a girlfriend after all.

MIA usually an attitude problem. Sorry. My Bad.

I was again reminded today of the fact I have not written in my blog in quite some time. I would like to say that I have been busy, but the truth is, no more so than normal. But still, something has been keeping me from writing. I have not been too busy. I have no life to speak of, so too busy is not accurate. I have plenty of time to write a few lines in either of my blogs. Yet I haven't. I would like people to assume I have a life, but whether or not I write in a blog will likely have little bearing on the outcome. The people online may incorrectly assume I am busy, therefore I have a life. The people I know in real life, who do not read this blog, but if they did, they would , knowing me already, correctly say I have no life. The fact is, I have a boring life, and it is unlikely that blogging or not blogging is going to fill whatever hole in my life I am trying to fill.

It strikes me that the reader here might find solace in the things that are not written.

If I am not writing in my blog regularly, several things are likely true.

I am doing okay. I am neither excelling at anything, nor am I in the abject pits of dispair.

I may actually be busy, but the previous observation would also hold true.

The status quo is maintained.


It is also possible that in my blogs, as in my life, when things are troubling me and I do not want to talk about it, I won't. I have a tendency when things are not going as well as I would like in my life, I pull away from friends and family, and away from the things I like to do. I will close my door, my window sometimes, and curl up under blankets trying to "sleep off" whatever is bothering me. So, perhaps if I am not writing, a reader may assume that I am just working things out and trying to gain a new, or at least different perspective.

In this most recent absence from my blogs, I think a little of each situation applies here.

I am well, well enough anyway, there are things bothering me, specifically my financial situation, my living arrangement, and my current on again, off again relationship. These things weigh heavily on me, and while I may want to write, actually sitting down to do it is difficult. Some things it seems are still a little difficult to talk about. Bottom line for now, Don't worry. I have not forgotten you. I am just very distracted right now. Just knowing you care is all I need, and if you need me to tell me that you are still important to me, whether I write or not in my blog, just email me directly and let me know. I can't hide from my email as well as I can hide from my blog. I will definitely reply.

Anyway, I do have a couple things of note to write about. My sis and I just hopped on the Max, a first for both of us, to go see my nephew. Another relative first... and even though we were a little nervous at first, we are glad we went, and we did have a good time. I am posting a few pics here.


The other thing that seems a little important.... Well, I am excited about it. Waterfront Blues Festival, July 4th Weekend. Portland, Oregon. Etta James and Johnny Winter are among the acts playing. I am SO going to that concert. For $10 and a two can donation to the Oregon FoodBank? I am so already there!

OLD CITY CEMETERY

I took a walk today down the hill from my house to the old City Cemetery. It was a nice day, and I thought I should take a few snapshots.

Detail of A Woodman of the World Headstone

This little headstone made me sad.

These Headstones are losing ground to this tree

which appears to have pushed them aside as it grew.

Many stones like this one were very simple.
Only a name, without a date.

Some said merely "HUSBAND",
"MOTHER", "SON", or "DAUGHTER".

Except for this bird, I was the

only visitor to the graveyard today.

I wonder if this man is still remembered 113 years later.

I marveled at how well this headstone has weathered
the years compared to other stones in this graveyard.

Like this headstone, broken and weathered over time,

or perhaps vandalized. The stone remains, but for the casual observer,
it is impossible to know anything about the person buried here.

This stone has not weathered too well.

Much of the carving has been lost to the elements.

ON BEING A GRANDFATHER

A year ago, had you told me I would be a grandfather, I would have probably disbelieved you. Last year, had you told me that I would relish the role, I would have thought you had been drinking... a lot. A month ago, had you told me I might actually be good in the role of GrandPa, I would have been absolutely certain you were on crack.

Life is funny. I have not got a clue how change occurs. It just seems that one day you look back and realize that your life no longer even resembles the life you once knew. It somewhat freaks me out when I reflect on my life and see myself acting differently than I ever have. I think differently, I act differently, and across the board, I feel differently. Once in a while, the old Jeffery pokes his head out, and I am stunned. Especially when I remember what an asshole he used to be.

Years ago, when I first got married, I was not able to loosen up enough around people, especially children, to be able to just be myself. I have no idea now what my dysfunction was, but whatever it was it really screwed up my relationships. I was emotionally unavailable to my wife, my stepson, my friends, and my family. While I always held something back in my relationships, generally a defensive thing, so as not to allow people to get close enough to hurt me, I never realized that I was holding back the good stuff as well. The things that make me special and unique, the parts of me that are loving, caring, compassionate, and tender were seldom seen. What was I thinking? Why did I see these things as weaknesses, or character flaws? In my quest to keep from being hurt again in my life, I distanced myself emotionally from everyone who mattered to me, and in the end, the person that did hurt me was myself. I hurt myself in ways I never thought possible, the whole while unaware, and miserable.

Children have always gravitated toward me, as have animals. Often dogs and cats that will approach no one else will approach me. I assume that children and animals are more perceptive to such things, and saw me for the man I was inside, the man I was trying to hide. I have always been terrified of children. I like them fine, I enjoy watching them play, and I appreciate their inherent candor. They call things as they see them. But I never really knew how to be a child, let alone how to act around them. As such, I really failed as a step father. My moodiness, my anger, and my fear paralyzed me. It was not that I did not care or that I did not love my step son, but I was not effectively able to communicate that to him. Thankfully he grew up to realize that in spite of my myriad flaws, I did care about him, and in turn, he still loves and accepts me as his stepfather, and seems to want me as a part of his life. In a phrase, "How Cool is that?"

So, even though my medical conditions apparantly prevent me from having kids of my own, (Knock on Wood) I still get to be a grandfather because like me, my stepson married into "insta-family"; His beautiful bride having a five year old daughter from another relationship. I am a lucky man. I never thought I would be a father, or a grandfather, and I thought I would pretty much die alone. It is becoming apparant to me as I get older that I likely will not die alone because somewhere along the line, I made a difference. I have an ex wife, a step son, a new daughter in law a grand daughter, several friends a handful of nieces a new grand nephew, a couple nephews, a brother and his family..... all of whom I matter to. Of course, I have a couple other nephews and nieces and some half sisters who may not ever know I was gone, but on the whole, I am starting to realize that whether or not I meant to, whether or not I tried, my life impacted others around me. I did make a difference.

I am not an old man, but I am growing a perspective of a man who is much older than my chronological age might suggest. I am aware that a large part of the reason for this is precicely because I have been through so much, because my health has been so bad, because I am aware that I may not have as many trips around the sun as I would like remaining to me. But, don't worry, I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. I just find it odd that I am no longer afraid of death like I used to be. When I was a lot younger the very idea of dying terrified me. But now that I am older and having faced death personally a couple times, I realize it is not something I need to fear. It is just a part of life.

But, all this raises questions in my mind, the most prominent of which is one I ask myself a lot; "Whatchugonnadoboutitasshole?"

The simple answer is "I don't know". What I do know is that I can look forward to a life unlike the life I once knew. The writing, as it were, is on the wall. These changes that have been happening in my life for the past five years have really caused me to look at things in a completely different way, and as I said at the beginning of this blog, I no longer feel, think, or act like I used to. No one is more surprised by this than me.

However, yesterday, when GrandPa Jeff walked into his son's home and handed GrandDaughter Macaylah a pretty new doll (which according to Mac's preference toward all things "Beauty and the Beast" she promptly named "Belle".) and read a Princess Book to her while the other adults were busy, GrandPa Jeff scored some serious GrandPa points. I believe that GrandPa points entitle me to a plethera of hugs and cuddles, and sloppy kisses, though not sure about that.

Now, this experience sounds pretty normal to the casual observer, but if you knew me, especially as I used to be, you would know that this is not like me. I have always been uncomfortable around children. I have never read aloud to one, I have never been real big on hugs and kisses. I have never been real patient with children in general. So.. when this all came so naturally to me, I was a little surprised. My ex wife and stepson both looked at me slackjawed, like "WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH JEFF?"

I honestly do not know what happened to him. I see him less and less these days. I know he is still in there somewhere, and dread his visits. I like who I am becoming. For the first time in my life, I feel okay in my skin. I am looking forward to being GrandPa, and watching mac grow into the beautiful young woman I know she is going to be. The only thing I have not done to that end, yet, is I have not yet told her I love her. But somehow, I think she already knows.

TRESPASSER

I had an uninvited, albeit not entirely unwelcome guest in my home today. The weather today being a bit severe, what with hail, snow, and rain, one of the critters who calls the hillside behind my apartment his home came up to the sliding glass doors, and with paws on the glass looked inside longingly as if to say "Let me in! I'm cold and hungry!" Unexpectedly, my room mate Bergie opened the door, and the little bugger walked right on in, unafraid. So, I went to my room and grabbed the bag of nuts I keep for my hamster "Little Jack" and a camera.

I managed to get only two photos of our guest, but was truly amazed at the boldness of our little guest who actually came in several times to get the nuts, even taking them from my hand when offered. It is obvious that this young squirrel has had some human contact before, and that perhaps hunger outweighs caution. In any case, I thought this experience was cooler than heck, and to be frank, it made my entire day. Guess I will have to be sure to keep nuts on hand for my new friend.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR ME

I have been working on an idea for another blog entry at The Back Nine, a little photoshopping, and an image of a milk carton. While googling images of Milk Cartons, I ran across this little gem at Belle's Printables along with many other neat things. Some like this are free to download and use, and others there are fees for, payable through paypal. These crafty little items appealed to me as a man, because inevitably I find myself thinking of those last minute little somethings for friends and family. What I saw here was something simple, easy to make, yet somehow with a personal touch. In the case of this tiny little box, I printed up the free template then cut and folded along the lines. With a red sharpie, I colored the heart, and then with only a couple drops of glue from a glue pen, it ended up looking like this. I stopped at the local market, and bought some chocolate kisses which I put in the box. (3 fit comfortably) The little Korean lady that owns the store saw me trying to fit the kisses in the box, and was fascinated at the box. She liked it very much. "Is cute. You do good!" As I left the store I guess she was trying to figure out how it was put together. But the real joy was the smile that replaced the frown on the face of the person I gave it to. They were having a bad day, and the little gesture that said "I care" made all the difference in the world.

The little things do matter. Often times they are the most important things.

Anyway, I fired off an email to Belle, and asked her if it was all right if I posted the pic of the box here (it is after all her design) and received reply back in a couple hours telling me to go ahead. Based on her reply, it was polite, friendly, and prompt, I would have to assume doing business with her would be the same. Her site is certainly something worth checking out.

A NEW BLOG & A NEW PLACE TO RANT

For those of you that follow this blog, I hope you will look at my new blog. I had a sort of epiphany, and needed a place aside from here to explore other thoughts. Please Check it out, tell your friends if you want, and by all means, comment on my photoshopping. LOL I will be posting in both places.

http://backnine2020.blogspot.com/

FIRST NEW POEM IN A LONG WHILE

I do not know why the only time I feel inspired to write poetry is when my heart is broken, or when my life is in turmoil. Perhaps it is simply because it is during these times that I feel things most intensely, and perhaps I have no other outlet. I have a blog in the draft stage that is no where near ready to post, but this poem came from my broken heart this morning. It is written about my ex girlfriend/ex lover/ex friend Corrie. I did not choose for it to be over, I did not want it to end. But a lot of things have been going wrong for a long time, and yesterday she erased me from her life. Her friends erased me from theirs as well it appears. None of them read this, and it would not matter if they did. There is always one person left behind when a relationship ends. She was looking for a new relationship the whole time we were together, so I really am the fool here. But, broken hearts and promises. I still love her, and am in the grieving stage. So... as follows... my poem. Thanks for reading.

Brown Glass Eyes

(for Corrie)

As I look into my heart
Shattered beyond repair
To the place you used to occupy
Unable to find you there

I think about the love we had
The tears and laughter shared
The joy of your touch, the softness of your skin
In precious moments paired

I think of the flecks of gold and green
cast by God Himself in perfect array
The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen
Closed forever to me this day

I think of the succulent taste of your lips
As they caress mine with tender kisses
I think with fondness of your hand in mine
And of the love my heart now misses.

An empty void in my heart
A hole inside my head
I did not want us to part
And I wish that I were dead.

You seemed to be the perfect one
Imperfect just like me
Happily I lived with you and your son
And prayed for our life to be

But now you have erased me from your life
And burned me from your heart
The dreams that you would be my wife
You methodically tore apart.

Your friends I see have erased me too
I must admit that really hurt me bad
I guess I had hoped for more from you
So I am more than a little sad.

From Zero Attraction
and fear of being hurt
My heart is in traction
Ground into the dirt

But the communication failed, the trust was broken
I thought that you loved me, I thought your love was true
But over time the untruths that were spoken
In your search to find someone new

You never gave me a chance to validate your heart
You felt unworthy of the love I gave
You were bent on destruction from the start
Now there is precious little to save

After all the trials that we faced,
After all that we had been through
From the day we first embraced
I fell in love with you.

I thought that we shared a love
Two lives once broken, joined and made anew
A gift to us from God above
I thought we shared a love, but turns out only I loved you.

THE TRUTH HURTS (A LOT SOMETIMES)

Truth... why is it that something so simple, so basic, so pure, not entirely unlike Love, Why does it have to be so subjective? Why is it that something as simple as honesty and truth can get lost in the shuffle? Why is it okay for a person to accuse another of dishonesty while boldly lying themself?

I really had other things I wanted to write about, happier things, but instead, the truth got in the way. So, if you find yourself reading this, and thinking, "Gee! He sounds angry!" That would be true. I am very angry today. I feel hurt, and betrayed, and used, and... dismissed. That is why this lengthy... (oh yes! It will be very lengthy!) blog is going to read a lot differently than any of my previous entries. It will look different, and sound different precisely because I am angry, and I have no other place to vent this complex hodge podge vomitus of emotion. It has to go somewhere, these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings.... I have to direct this somewhere constructive. If I had the money, I would take this all to my class that I need to get back to. Problem is, everything that I learned from the class, and I learned a lot, everything I learned is being tested. The best I can do right now is to acknowledge that I am in fact angry, and that I have a right to be angry. I do not, in my anger, have the right to be abusive or controlling of anyone else, and I am angry enough to stammer..... I cannot effectively articulate verbally how I am feeling. This is why I am sharing a part of me I have not shared so openly, so publicly before.

It is not always easy to admit when you make mistakes, and Lord knows I have made a large number of real doozies in my lifetime. I have learned a lot from my mistakes over the years, and by and large, I would not change a thing. I am older now than I have ever been before (talk about an astute observation.. D'oh!) and I would like to think I have aquired a little wisdom along the way. The reason I would not change much if anything in my past is because I realize that the man I am today is a product of the lessons I have learned, and the experiences I have had. It has taken me a lifetime to get to where I am, and I am glad to say that on the whole I finally like the man I see in the mirror. That is not to say that I am completely happy with the results of my choices, or the painful nature of some of the consequences of those decisions, both good and bad. Even at 40 something, a man can experience "growing pains".

Reality Check: Whether or not we like it, life is all about learning from our mistakes, trying very hard not to make the same mistakes again, and whenever possible, to share the lessons learned with our children, and those who may benefit from our experiences. I hated it when I was young, and my elders addressed me with phrases like, "Do as I say, Not as I do", or "Do you think I like the sound of my own voice?" (the answer to that question was in itself a learning experience..... case in point, when your father asks that question, whatever you do, it is in your best interest to resist the urge to respond in the affirmative; Instead, a simple "No Sir" will suffice nicely!) The thing to remember is that they are generally speaking from some sort of personal experience, and I, for one, choose to believe that in the majority of instances where one hears these types of phrases, the speaker really is trying to save us a lot of trouble down the road they have already travelled. One day, we too will attempt to pass our combined knowledge on to those who in our eyes would most benefit from hearing it. Are you buying this? I digress, I am getting off track a bit. Moving On.....

Mistakes... I have made my share plus several. Some of them were memorable enough to impact the rest of my life and the choices that followed. In no area did I make more mistakes than in my lovelife and my relationships. Sadly, those mistakes generally had the highest personal cost, which was not limited to how they affected me. When a person is involved in a relationship with another, the potential for hurt feelings and heartbreak to be felt by others is significantly more than if you were to lead a hermit's lifestyle. It is often referred to as a ripple effect. In my class, I learned to refer to it as collateral. We do not always intend to say and do things to hurt others It just happens.

I have tried to be a better man than I used to be. I have spent a lot of time in prayer and reflection, a lot of time in counseling, and a lot of time in the Bible. I have journalled extensively, and I have opened my life up to anyone who cares to look, and my heart up to those that gave me hope. I look at myself in the mirror and see a milder, somewhat diffused version of the man I once was. I am less prone to anger, and more prone to discussion. I cannot look at myself in the same way as I once did, not do most people. Even my Ex Wife has noticed the changes in me, and marvelled at the change, something she never thought she would see.

Okay... I just ran across this on one of the blogs I follow. It is about the coolest thing I have seen in a long time.... next to celephane wrap on a toilet bowl... thats still pretty funny. Just Kidding! Geez! But, if you use batteries, How cool is this? Solar Batteries... recharge simply by placing in the sunlight. Awesome!

http://www.livbit.com/article/2009/02/19/the-solar-batteries/

MORAL COMPASS? SPINNING RESOLUTELY OUT OF CONTROL, THANKS FOR ASKING.

I am in a quandry this morning. I have a lot on my mind.

Why is it that things must be so difficult sometimes?I am not a

bad man, I'm not. Okay, okay... you can quit laughing anytime.

You ! In the corner! I hear you snickering! Don't make me open

a can of Whup-Ass! Even Jessica Rabbit once said, "I'm not bad;

I am just drawn that way!"

Okay, joking aside; Why is it difficult sometimes, knowing right from wrong as I do, to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to make the moral choice, and then stick with it? Why do things have to get so very complicated so very quickly? For me, my achilles' heel is women. I love women. I love the way they smell, taste, feel, and look. Still very much struggle understanding how they think. So, here is my dilemma: I have a girlfriend, at least I think I do, thought I did.... alright, that relationship is a little fuzzy right now. She is having a hard time knowing what she wants, and as angry as I get with the bullshit, I am having a hard time with the whole relational yo yo myself. There is a part of me that still genuinely loves this woman. As maddening as she can be at times, and angry as I want to be at her, as much as I want to just close the door by whatever means necessary and simply walk away, my heart is making it hard.

She mocks me in my dreams. I see her, and I feel her in my arms, and sometimes, it seems so very real. I hear certain songs on the radio, and again, whatever I am doing, wherever I am, as soon as I hear the song, there she is again.






I am reminded of a Delbert McClinton song. The lyrics follow:






You Were Never Mine




I saw someone again today


Who remembered me and you


They asked all the same old questions


I gave the same excuse


They said what a shame, what a shame


To lose a love so fine






But I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






I kept on believing What I wanted to believe


The unspoken promises


That you could never keep


But it's a sin, oh it's a sin


To tell yourself a lie






I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you, you were never mine






Did you give me all you gave me


Just because I needed you


But when I needed all your love completely


Was it more than you could do






Sometimes deep in the night


When I hold you in my dreams


I get lost in your loving touch, baby


I can't believe how real it seems






And I know, yes I know


I'll have you 'till the end of time


'Cause I never lost you, I never lost you


I never lost you 'cause you were never mine






I never lost you, I never really lost you


How could I lose you, you were never mine

************

I believe that so many things are happening right now in my life to distract me from the important things. I believe that Ol' Scratch (Satan) is having a heyday with me right now by putting these circumstances and obstacles in my path. Now, being a Christian, I do know where the real power lays, and I know where I need to turn to find the resolution to my problem, but being human, being male, and all the flaws that come with those two birthdefects, I am prone to want to figure my own way out of this. Yep. Us guys are so adept at fixing things, that when we fix them, we fix them REAL good. Let's ignore the fact that whatever it was was no where near as broken before we showed up!

So... here it is, I am broken up with my girlfriend, or am I? I have yet to receive a definative answer from her. My ex wife and I are still friends, after everything that happened, and I want to be her friend. The possibility now exists that we could fix the broken in our failed and ended marriage. But should we? Do I really want to? I do not want to go back to the way things were, and as much as I care for her, the only change she has seen is the passage of years. She still lives exactly the same as she did when we first started dating, and I ignored it back then. In a marriage, I could no longer ignore it.

Suffice to say, I am anal retentive, and she isn't. I do not want to be the chief cook, bottlewasher, and house keeper again. No... I just do not want to pick up behind anyone all the time. I cannot live like that, in the situation she does. It would make me crazy. (Inferring that I am not yet? Right!) She has been alone since she left me, and I think she misses having someone around that is not covered in fur and doesn't hack up hairballs. But, even though I am thrilled that she has had the opportunity to see that I can and did change (after twelve years of fighting it), is that reason enough to try again? Both of our families and most of our friends are against it. For me, the appeal is being a part of a family again, for I am tired of being an outsider all the time.

I suppose much of my confusion is based on the fact that I also do not know what I want anymore. I have been distracted and not thinking very clearly for a long time now. I still love my ex wife, but I am not IN LOVE with her anymore. I am still IN LOVE with my ex girlfriend, but do not want the relationship to go on as it has. I cannot live wondering if and when she will betray my trust again. I cannot live with the feeling that I will always be last in her priorities. She says she loves me, but she has been looking for whatever it is she feels she is missing online, and has had relations with another man while we were still together.

Then again, I also cheated on my wife while we were married. I had relations with the one woman while we were still together, and three others after we were no longer living together. After the divorce was final, I met Corrie, and was terribly gunshy and cautious. It was months before we met in person, but after only three months of dating, we were sleeping together. We lived together for about a year, and then parted company, with me moving across town, and her moving out of state.I really tried to be a better man

ORANGE CATS

I made this video a couple years back, more or less as a Mother's Day Gift for my Wife. This was one of the last things I did for her before she moved away. I never really thought I would see her again after she left, and with the exception of the divorce hearing, I was pretty much correct. But in the last 6 months or so, things have opened up in terms of our communication, so she was actually here today as I posted this video, and of course, it made her cry.

HIDDEN TALENTS

Sometimes I consider my own mortality and wonder if, or how I will be remembered. Will I be remembered fondly for my sense of humor, or will I be remembered as a good and kind man? Will I be remembered for all of the mistakes I have made, or the many hurts I have caused? Will I be remembered at all, or will I be remembered for my many hidden talents? If I am remembered for anything, will those that remember me still wonder why I never did anything with my life?

I was chatting with a friend online last night, and shared some of my drawings. Her question of me was "What are you doing keeping all of this talent to yourself?" I really did not have a very good answer, but my response to her query was "I already know I am talented, but... I do not care enough about it to do anything about it. I do these things because I enjoy them. If I tried to do it for a job, I would grow to hate it."

She accepted my answer, but obviously did not agree with me. She told me "I'm not saying it would have to be a job. It would be sharing with others and maybe witnessing to some that may need it too." She continued, "...you and I really need to meet....so I can kick your butt!!! What are you doing? You have so much talent, and you are keeping it all to yourself. I'm not saying this because I think all art and talent should be exploited or something. But, gifts of this magnitude are meant to be shared for others to enjoy. God gave you this gift, it should be shared, and it can be shared in the terms of understanding that it comes from God, therefore helping others to become interested in what that means....and you could be helping others, whether it is kids who also doubt their own talent, or adults who have been thru a lot too."

Of course she is right. I could share my talents, my abilities, my art, my resources, my time, and even my life. There are many areas across the board where I have been very selfish, and there are many things I could be doing a lot differently. Even if I changed, and began to share more of myself, I may not make a difference in any one else’s life, but perhaps in opening myself up to others, perhaps it will be my life that is changed. Perhaps in letting go of my inhibitions, my fears, my insecurities, my pride.... perhaps in the letting go of these things I will find my life becoming better, and I myself growing happier, and healthier.

The images I am posting along with this blog are all pictures and cartoons and caricatures I have drawn the past couple years. Towards the end of 2006 I became interested in pointillism, and many of the drawings here are approximately the size of postage stamps. I will attempt later to post other drawings I have done, which include more cartoons, doodles, sketches, and even tattoos I have drawn. I have so many photos to go through, and boxes of paper... I cannot say how long it will take me to do all of this.

My friend was right, even though I have heard the same speech over the years from my ex wife, my sister, my girlfriends, my friends, my family, and just people who have seen the handful of drawings I have laying around. Every one of them it seems, is more interested in my potential than I am. Every one of them gets frustrated with me for not exploiting these gifts. I understand thier feelings, and have no problem understanding the point they keep trying to make. I just wish they could for one moment step into my shoes and understand how difficult this all is for me. Here I have something I like to do, and something I am good at, but to me, it will never be good enough. I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and there is a certain order I have to keep. When things fall out of array or out of routine, It makes me crazy.

When I was young, I played the clarinet. I practiced seven days a week. However, I would never be allowed to ever become proficient at it. My step father was a rotten man. Angry, bitter, miserly, and mean. He was fine to everyone else, but to me, he was a tyrant. I was kicked out of my home, but my nephew was allowed to move in. I was not allowed to touch him ever, but he touched me often enough with a switch. For that matter, he touched me often enough with his fists and hands.

As for the clarinet, I was only allowed to practice in the cold unfinished basement. He hated the repetitious nature of my lessons, and did not want to hear me play. let alone hit the bad notes. Now, if you have played a reed instrument, you know it is not a pleasant sensation when you hit the bad notes anyway. But to have him ridicule me when I did play, and yell at me when I didn't, it created confusion in me. He was always reminding me how much the instrument was costing, and I "by God better make it worth the money he was paying." As best I can tell, it was never worth the money.

I was not allowed to eat in the same room as him, I was not allowed to leave my room except to eat and use the bathroom. I never was allowed to draw (waste paper) or build anything ("don't know how to use tools properly" Every step of the way instead of encouraging, loving, and teaching me, he beat me down and ridiculed me. He minimized every accomplishment I ever had, and never once called me by my name. Around other people I was referred to as "the boy", but when we were alone, I was usually some variation of "You worthless son of a bitch!" This killed whatever self esteem I had.

To this day, if I cannot do it well, I generally will not do it at all. I now know I have choices and I do try to make the right ones, but sometimes it is easier just not to try at all. Thats it in a nutshell. I hope you like these images. I am going to post this as it is, and will get back to the thought later. I have been awake since 4am, and with only three hours sleep under my belt, I am just not able to focus any more right now. Thanks for your patience.