I have been reading the tweets of several members of the StarTrek TNG cast. Wil Wheaton is a riot. Thought it was cool he was just here in Portland. But one of his recent tweets... It really should be put on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.
wilw "When people are dicks to me, it makes me appreciate all the people who AREN'T dicks to me. To the former: bite me. To the latter: Thank you!"
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
HOW TRUE!
My little random quote app displayed this little gem today. I had to post it because it is funny, yet true.
"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." ~ Joan Rivers
"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." ~ Joan Rivers
Monday, June 22, 2009
I quit.
I started smoking nearly 25 years ago, in part thinking it would make me look older. We have all seen the ads showing a persons face deteriorating with the use of tobacco. The ad had a woman talking about how she started smoking to look older, and with the final image showing a woman looking like a graying shriveled up old fig, she laments that she got her wish. I have looked, but been unable to find an image online. There are plenty of others though, but I really haven't the time for it today. Besides, it is a moot point.
I have sworn off cigarettes numerous times, threatened to quit when they hit $2 a pack, watched my mom, aunt, and brother die of smoking related illness, my own father dying at 43 years old of a massive heart attack. I myself have had several heart attacks, and triple bypass surgery, yet still I smoked. I have control issues, and hate feeling out of control. I can not afford my medications, so how can I justify spending money on cigarettes? Enough is enough. Time for me to take back control of my life. Time for me to take back my life before it is too late. I quit.
I have sworn off cigarettes numerous times, threatened to quit when they hit $2 a pack, watched my mom, aunt, and brother die of smoking related illness, my own father dying at 43 years old of a massive heart attack. I myself have had several heart attacks, and triple bypass surgery, yet still I smoked. I have control issues, and hate feeling out of control. I can not afford my medications, so how can I justify spending money on cigarettes? Enough is enough. Time for me to take back control of my life. Time for me to take back my life before it is too late. I quit.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
EMPTY SPACES
I am starting to feel kind of alone over here. I do not know if anyone is reading me anymore. I had a couple readers, and have gotten to know them a bit over time, and they are probably the best things that have come out of my blogging experience. I see they still post, but cannot tell if they still visit my pages. It is my own fault for not keeping my blog up to date, It is my own fault for not acknowledging them enough. It is my own fault for opening my big yap, and for hurting their feelings by trying to be funny. I do not know what if any of these reasons are true, but it does feel like they do not come to call anymore. I miss them.
Nowadays, I am realizing that I have a need... a need for people in my life. The internet provides me with a great deal of social interaction, something I am beginning to feel like I require. Especially now that my blog is changing, and so am I. I have begun tweeting, and maybe eventually someone will subscribe to one of my blogs, or to my tweet feed. I need feedback, I want feedback. I am wondering how I am doing, what people think of the change. It is a work in progress, just like me. I change more and more each day. Fading away like a chalk drawing on the pavement, the old man I used to be is nearly gone. The new guy in in his place is a pretty decent fellow, but I am still afraid the old guy may come back eventually. That is not what I want. SO, if you do read, or are a reader, please subscribe or let me know you visited. Thanks a lot.
Nowadays, I am realizing that I have a need... a need for people in my life. The internet provides me with a great deal of social interaction, something I am beginning to feel like I require. Especially now that my blog is changing, and so am I. I have begun tweeting, and maybe eventually someone will subscribe to one of my blogs, or to my tweet feed. I need feedback, I want feedback. I am wondering how I am doing, what people think of the change. It is a work in progress, just like me. I change more and more each day. Fading away like a chalk drawing on the pavement, the old man I used to be is nearly gone. The new guy in in his place is a pretty decent fellow, but I am still afraid the old guy may come back eventually. That is not what I want. SO, if you do read, or are a reader, please subscribe or let me know you visited. Thanks a lot.
Friday, June 19, 2009
LOOK MA! I TWEETED!
I have figured out a site that enables my Cricket phone to work with Twitter, and with blogger, and several other services. Check it out here: http://ping.fm/
So bearing that in mind, I am now able to tweet. My room mate tells me I tweet enough already.I really do not know what if any purpose this will serve, but it will enable me to micro blog from a hospital bed if necessary. I have decided to separate it from my main blog because it will be more effective for me. I do not expect my tweets to be very profound or anything. I mean, how groundbreaking can one be at 150 characters at a time?
You can locate a link to my tweeter blog at the top right of the front page of my blog, or you can find it here. http://thetweetarchive.blogspot.com/
So bearing that in mind, I am now able to tweet. My room mate tells me I tweet enough already.I really do not know what if any purpose this will serve, but it will enable me to micro blog from a hospital bed if necessary. I have decided to separate it from my main blog because it will be more effective for me. I do not expect my tweets to be very profound or anything. I mean, how groundbreaking can one be at 150 characters at a time?
You can locate a link to my tweeter blog at the top right of the front page of my blog, or you can find it here. http://thetweetarchive.blogspot.com/
AWAKE AGAIN
Like so many other nights before this, I was unable to sleep last night. It was not so much that I had a lot on my mind, though that was part of the reason. Like aspects of my life, I have been somewhat dissatisfied with aspects of my blog. Perhaps, like my life, it was lacking in flavor. There was nothing unique or special about it. Perhaps I should assert that it really is the blog I am talking about, not my life. Or is it?
In any case, after some searching for an appropriate image for my new header, and a little time in Photoshop making it more or less what I wanted, and with a few clicks of the mouse, my blog appears as it does now, with a slightly different layout, and a new color scheme. I like it. Though, I am starting to think that I need to address several key things about my blog. It no longer really meets my needs. I have been growing and changing, for some time now, and the blog needs to reflect that change by undergoing some change itself.
In the coming days, weeks, and months, I will be making some decisions about what I want out of my life, and out of my blog. In both, there will be some changes. Mostly little ones, subtle ones. But I suspect there may be one or two fundamental shifts in my blog. Though more or less still in the planning stage, I want to reorganize it, consolidate it with other writings I have on the web. I want to go back and tweak a few paragraphs, and perhaps delete others. My blog will need to reflect my life as it is now, and as I change things in my life, I want to change the blog.
As of this writing, I realize that my blog reflects one major concern in my life. It has no cohesive direction. Here, of course, I am referring to my life. I write about my experience. I joke about things that may or may not be appropriate. I use coarse language at times. How I present myself in my writing affects how people see me as a person, and it is becoming important to me that I present myself in a manner that reflects my evolving belief system. I am painfully aware that there comes a day when I will no longer be able to post to my blog. One day, my ramblings will cease altogether. What happens when I am no longer able to write? What I have written will need to stand on its own. It is my fervent hope that at some point in the future someone will run across my blog and will read it. Something I have written will catch their attention, and hopefully will have a positive impact on them. I am not sure exactly where this will lead me. I do however hope that I can increase my readership to a broader audience, while maintaining the relationships I have already built online. I do not expect to ever make money with my blog, but I am not opposed to the idea if I can find things of interest to write about.
I am reminded of my very first public blog where I did not really know what I wanted to write about, and had in mind only a limited direction to follow (which you can find HERE). So much has changed since then. I have been online for a lot of years, and this blog as it currently sits only reflects about a decade. If I ever get around to it, I need to finish and post a number of drafts and private entries. I have started keeping a notebook where I jot down ideas for future entries. It is my hope that in my blog as in my life, I can start to hold myself to a higher standard.
I still welcome any and all comments. Any ideas on my blog, any suggestions, please, By all means let me know. To those who read this thing (even though I have no followers, darn it!) I want to thank you for your continued support.
In any case, after some searching for an appropriate image for my new header, and a little time in Photoshop making it more or less what I wanted, and with a few clicks of the mouse, my blog appears as it does now, with a slightly different layout, and a new color scheme. I like it. Though, I am starting to think that I need to address several key things about my blog. It no longer really meets my needs. I have been growing and changing, for some time now, and the blog needs to reflect that change by undergoing some change itself.
In the coming days, weeks, and months, I will be making some decisions about what I want out of my life, and out of my blog. In both, there will be some changes. Mostly little ones, subtle ones. But I suspect there may be one or two fundamental shifts in my blog. Though more or less still in the planning stage, I want to reorganize it, consolidate it with other writings I have on the web. I want to go back and tweak a few paragraphs, and perhaps delete others. My blog will need to reflect my life as it is now, and as I change things in my life, I want to change the blog.
As of this writing, I realize that my blog reflects one major concern in my life. It has no cohesive direction. Here, of course, I am referring to my life. I write about my experience. I joke about things that may or may not be appropriate. I use coarse language at times. How I present myself in my writing affects how people see me as a person, and it is becoming important to me that I present myself in a manner that reflects my evolving belief system. I am painfully aware that there comes a day when I will no longer be able to post to my blog. One day, my ramblings will cease altogether. What happens when I am no longer able to write? What I have written will need to stand on its own. It is my fervent hope that at some point in the future someone will run across my blog and will read it. Something I have written will catch their attention, and hopefully will have a positive impact on them. I am not sure exactly where this will lead me. I do however hope that I can increase my readership to a broader audience, while maintaining the relationships I have already built online. I do not expect to ever make money with my blog, but I am not opposed to the idea if I can find things of interest to write about.
I am reminded of my very first public blog where I did not really know what I wanted to write about, and had in mind only a limited direction to follow (which you can find HERE). So much has changed since then. I have been online for a lot of years, and this blog as it currently sits only reflects about a decade. If I ever get around to it, I need to finish and post a number of drafts and private entries. I have started keeping a notebook where I jot down ideas for future entries. It is my hope that in my blog as in my life, I can start to hold myself to a higher standard.
I still welcome any and all comments. Any ideas on my blog, any suggestions, please, By all means let me know. To those who read this thing (even though I have no followers, darn it!) I want to thank you for your continued support.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
I want to write this morning. The problem is, I do not know what I want to write about. I have so much on my mind that I cannot sleep. That is fairly normal for me. There are times when I have so much on my plate that things get jumbled in my mind, and no matter how hard I try I can't make the mental break from these things so that I can get rest. Tonight is such a night.
I am thinking about a friend I have not seen in several years. I do not know where he is right now, and I would love dearly to talk to him again. I did find his son online, and tonight was able to send an email to him in the hopes that he might relay the information to his dad. Meanwhile, I have found a recording of him online. He speaks publicly, and so there are some recordings of him here and there. It is nice to be able to hear his voice even though I cannot see him.
There are a number of people I have lost contact with over the years, and it pains me having lost them. Even recently, I had been thinking about calling an old friend who I had likewise lost contact with. But, before I could contact him, I learned of his death only the week before. I had waited too long, and would never get the closure I sought. I missed out on having closure with several people. I was not there when my mother died, I was not there when my father died, and there will be countless other people I will never get to tell how important they are to me.
Lost opportunities. We cannot go back, and we cannot change things if we wait too long. It is important that we tell people that they matter to us. We may never get another opportunity.
I am thinking about a friend I have not seen in several years. I do not know where he is right now, and I would love dearly to talk to him again. I did find his son online, and tonight was able to send an email to him in the hopes that he might relay the information to his dad. Meanwhile, I have found a recording of him online. He speaks publicly, and so there are some recordings of him here and there. It is nice to be able to hear his voice even though I cannot see him.
There are a number of people I have lost contact with over the years, and it pains me having lost them. Even recently, I had been thinking about calling an old friend who I had likewise lost contact with. But, before I could contact him, I learned of his death only the week before. I had waited too long, and would never get the closure I sought. I missed out on having closure with several people. I was not there when my mother died, I was not there when my father died, and there will be countless other people I will never get to tell how important they are to me.
Lost opportunities. We cannot go back, and we cannot change things if we wait too long. It is important that we tell people that they matter to us. We may never get another opportunity.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
THE ESSENTIAL HURTING OF LOVE
First of all, as I logged in to write this post, I have an app on my blog that randomly displays quotes. This quote stood out, this quote seemed directed right at me.
"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"
Anonymous
I have not been writing in my blog as often as I perhaps should. I have been rather distracted by my personal life. In typical form, I have been over-thinking and over-analyzing things. I have come to a point where I feel pretty good about things in general, and like the man I am becoming. I see the change, other people observe the change, ergo, I must be changing. Change does not come easy for me, and I realize today the need for yet another change. At least in regards to my relationships. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.
I just learned how to truly communicate honestly, openly, and unabashedly about my feelings. "My Feelings..." I guess it is is a little selfish of me to think it important to be able to communicate how I feel. The thing is, much of my life I was counseled to "let go of my feelings" to "quit holding them in", to just "say how I feel", and to "allow people in". At one point, I was standoffish and reclusive, shy and timid to the point of letting people walk all over me while I allowed all my hurts, pains, and frustrations to fester into anger.
Pretty cool, huh? A former "anger junkie" comes clean. Well... you know what I have to say about that? Poop. Nothing more, nothing less, just Poop. I do not want to think of myself as an anger junkie. I don't. Who would? I do not waste my time with drugs, why would I waste my time with anger? Good question. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and in this remarkable period of clarity I have been experiencing, I have been coming up with at least some startling answers. I have also come up with a couple more equally troubling questions.
Observation number 1.
If it is as they say, "Time is money" why is time so valuable? Of all the resources we have, time is the most valuable. It is the only resource that is not replenishable. Each one of us knows that our time is limited. In each of our lifetimes, we only have a given amount of time, the exact length and duration of which being unknown, but the finality looms inevitably in the distance. Death is tangible. We only have one shot through this thing we call life, and there are no second chances. When our time is gone, it is gone.
Observation number 2.
The value of love. Love is another resource we can never have too much of. But it is replenishable. We can always choose to love, whether or not we are loved in return. I have learned that there is an immutable truth about love. We have all heard it said that "it takes money to make money", and "In order to have a friend, one must first be a friend." This rule can be applied across the board about most everything.
It is always worth it, to take the chance on love. Things may not work out. You may get hurt (you probably will). You may be disappointed. But... in my opinion, for the hope of love, it is worth it always. It is your choice. You can try to hide your head in the sand hoping not to get hurt, and end up looking as silly as an ostritch. OR... you can take a chance, put yourself on the line, and risk getting hurt... in the hopes of love. I choose the latter.
Okay, so obviously I have some free time on my hands right now to consider these things. Where did this time come from? I am no longer living with my girlfriend. According to her, she has not been my girlfriend since Valentines Day. Okay, it is not that she did not make herself clear in February. She made herself quite clear. However, I did not give up. I continued to talk to her, profess my love to her, try to talk to her, and even though it has been difficult at times, I have continued to love her anyway. A choice I have made before, and likely will make again in order to maintain my sanity. It occurs to me now that In this area I have been having controlling behaviors, and as such, I need to address this area in my life and elicit a change, because these behaviors are not acceptable to me. I had not realized it before now, and therefore, it is good that I wrote about this today.
Observation number 4.
Everything in life is transitory. Everything can be lost or taken away. But, when you give away love, that cannot be taken from you. ~ME~
I have learned through my experience that even love can be transitory. A person can rescind their love. When my wife left me for the last time, and as she drove away, I hoped and strained to see if she would look back, or even glance back in the mirror. She did neither. As my last hope faded that I could save the relationship, I realized that even if she no longer loved me, I could still love her. As I write that now, I realize how pathetic that sounds. I was pathetic. Maybe I still am. But, I am changing, and that moment was crucial to the beginning of that change.
Life went on. It always does. Two years passed before I saw my wife again. In the few seconds it took the Judge to sign the papers, our 12 year marriage ended. It was then that I realized that she was still angry at me. But I still held feelings for her, and even the divorce could not take those feelings away. Who was I fooling? Another two years have passed since the divorce was final, and I have moved on again. But some pretty remarkable changes have occured in my life in those two years. I fell in love again with another woman, and I thought she was "The One". This is the woman and the relationship I am struggling with now.
However, during the last two years I have taken a class that has changed the way I see things, and has helped me to change the way I respond to people. It is because of that class that I now realize that even though I am no longer angry and abusive, I still struggle with control issues. I really thought I was doing much better in that regard, but with this realization comes the determination to change my behavior. I really am glad for that class now. I cannot believe I am saying that considering how resistant I was to being in that class in the first place. But I am realizing that with the ending of that class, came the beginning of a new life for me. I realize that I can even now benefit from returning to those classes. I am sure that Brad will be pleased that I am still benefitting from his class.
Anyway, as a man I have been conditioned from childhood to believe that feelings are a sign of weakness. Growing up, men are (or at least used to be) misinformed that it is not okay for a man to cry. We are drilled with the mistaken belief pattern that we are supposed to be in charge, in control. We are given many adages to fuel this misconception. "A man's home is his castle" is but one such adage. It is little wonder that the county courts are filled to the brim with domestic violence cases, with divorce cases, and with restraining orders. The "sins of the father" are often visited upon the son, and are often repeated from generation to generation. At some point a man must stand up and say "No More!" How long must violence be a generational curse? It is not that we do not know any better, but old habits are hard to break. We see our fathers and the men in our young lives acting a certain way, and our impressionable young minds believe that is the way we treat people. Anger is something that is also learned. If we are not given the tools we need to handle conflict early on, the conflict may become a way of life. Then, all of these things, the anger, the abuse, and the violence must be unlearned. Changing a behavior once established is difficult, especially when it is entrenched within our identities and our belief systems.
Looking back at the change in my life, I wonder how I made it as far as I did without getting in trouble with the law. I wonder how these attitudes and behaviors, now abhorrent to me, were once something I accepted, and expected my wife and girlfriends to accept. The hard part is that the reality of the situation is that women who were abused as children, often subconsciously seek out abusers as prospective mates, and again the cycle of abuse continues. Why is it that we gravitate towards each other? What invisible force draws us to each other? My experience, and discussions I have had only substantiate this belief. I have heard women question "Why they are drawn to "bad boys" or controlling men over and over again?"
The responsibility to change rests not only on the men in these relationships, but also the women. I am sorry, but in every relationship it takes two. One person cannot fight alone, and they cannot change alone. Both people must set a standard of what is and is not acceptable behavior in their relationship. Whether it is simply a rule to fight fair, or an understanding that when all else fails, one or both of the people needs to have a way of disengaging before it escalates out of control. Even the Bible instructs us not to let the sun set on our anger. I have learned that it is never acceptable to abuse or control another person in a relationship.
Life is a process, and throughout our lives, change is a constant. It happens whether or not we want it to. Things change, circumstances change, times change, relationships change, and in order to keep up, we ourselves must change as well. I only hope that one day I find someone who appreciates the amount of effort, the amount of heartbreak, and the amount of love it has taken for me to make these changes in myself, and what it takes for me to continue changing my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. As in any addictive behavior, it requires a great deal of determination, support, and prayers to be successful.
"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"
Anonymous
I have not been writing in my blog as often as I perhaps should. I have been rather distracted by my personal life. In typical form, I have been over-thinking and over-analyzing things. I have come to a point where I feel pretty good about things in general, and like the man I am becoming. I see the change, other people observe the change, ergo, I must be changing. Change does not come easy for me, and I realize today the need for yet another change. At least in regards to my relationships. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut.
I just learned how to truly communicate honestly, openly, and unabashedly about my feelings. "My Feelings..." I guess it is is a little selfish of me to think it important to be able to communicate how I feel. The thing is, much of my life I was counseled to "let go of my feelings" to "quit holding them in", to just "say how I feel", and to "allow people in". At one point, I was standoffish and reclusive, shy and timid to the point of letting people walk all over me while I allowed all my hurts, pains, and frustrations to fester into anger.
Pretty cool, huh? A former "anger junkie" comes clean. Well... you know what I have to say about that? Poop. Nothing more, nothing less, just Poop. I do not want to think of myself as an anger junkie. I don't. Who would? I do not waste my time with drugs, why would I waste my time with anger? Good question. I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and in this remarkable period of clarity I have been experiencing, I have been coming up with at least some startling answers. I have also come up with a couple more equally troubling questions.
Observation number 1.
If it is as they say, "Time is money" why is time so valuable? Of all the resources we have, time is the most valuable. It is the only resource that is not replenishable. Each one of us knows that our time is limited. In each of our lifetimes, we only have a given amount of time, the exact length and duration of which being unknown, but the finality looms inevitably in the distance. Death is tangible. We only have one shot through this thing we call life, and there are no second chances. When our time is gone, it is gone.
Observation number 2.
The value of love. Love is another resource we can never have too much of. But it is replenishable. We can always choose to love, whether or not we are loved in return. I have learned that there is an immutable truth about love. We have all heard it said that "it takes money to make money", and "In order to have a friend, one must first be a friend." This rule can be applied across the board about most everything.
- In order to have trust, One must first trust.
- In order to have love, one must first love.
- In order to .... fill in the blank. (Ad infinitum, ad nauseaum)
It is always worth it, to take the chance on love. Things may not work out. You may get hurt (you probably will). You may be disappointed. But... in my opinion, for the hope of love, it is worth it always. It is your choice. You can try to hide your head in the sand hoping not to get hurt, and end up looking as silly as an ostritch. OR... you can take a chance, put yourself on the line, and risk getting hurt... in the hopes of love. I choose the latter.
Okay, so obviously I have some free time on my hands right now to consider these things. Where did this time come from? I am no longer living with my girlfriend. According to her, she has not been my girlfriend since Valentines Day. Okay, it is not that she did not make herself clear in February. She made herself quite clear. However, I did not give up. I continued to talk to her, profess my love to her, try to talk to her, and even though it has been difficult at times, I have continued to love her anyway. A choice I have made before, and likely will make again in order to maintain my sanity. It occurs to me now that In this area I have been having controlling behaviors, and as such, I need to address this area in my life and elicit a change, because these behaviors are not acceptable to me. I had not realized it before now, and therefore, it is good that I wrote about this today.
Observation number 4.
Everything in life is transitory. Everything can be lost or taken away. But, when you give away love, that cannot be taken from you. ~ME~
I have learned through my experience that even love can be transitory. A person can rescind their love. When my wife left me for the last time, and as she drove away, I hoped and strained to see if she would look back, or even glance back in the mirror. She did neither. As my last hope faded that I could save the relationship, I realized that even if she no longer loved me, I could still love her. As I write that now, I realize how pathetic that sounds. I was pathetic. Maybe I still am. But, I am changing, and that moment was crucial to the beginning of that change.
Life went on. It always does. Two years passed before I saw my wife again. In the few seconds it took the Judge to sign the papers, our 12 year marriage ended. It was then that I realized that she was still angry at me. But I still held feelings for her, and even the divorce could not take those feelings away. Who was I fooling? Another two years have passed since the divorce was final, and I have moved on again. But some pretty remarkable changes have occured in my life in those two years. I fell in love again with another woman, and I thought she was "The One". This is the woman and the relationship I am struggling with now.
However, during the last two years I have taken a class that has changed the way I see things, and has helped me to change the way I respond to people. It is because of that class that I now realize that even though I am no longer angry and abusive, I still struggle with control issues. I really thought I was doing much better in that regard, but with this realization comes the determination to change my behavior. I really am glad for that class now. I cannot believe I am saying that considering how resistant I was to being in that class in the first place. But I am realizing that with the ending of that class, came the beginning of a new life for me. I realize that I can even now benefit from returning to those classes. I am sure that Brad will be pleased that I am still benefitting from his class.
Anyway, as a man I have been conditioned from childhood to believe that feelings are a sign of weakness. Growing up, men are (or at least used to be) misinformed that it is not okay for a man to cry. We are drilled with the mistaken belief pattern that we are supposed to be in charge, in control. We are given many adages to fuel this misconception. "A man's home is his castle" is but one such adage. It is little wonder that the county courts are filled to the brim with domestic violence cases, with divorce cases, and with restraining orders. The "sins of the father" are often visited upon the son, and are often repeated from generation to generation. At some point a man must stand up and say "No More!" How long must violence be a generational curse? It is not that we do not know any better, but old habits are hard to break. We see our fathers and the men in our young lives acting a certain way, and our impressionable young minds believe that is the way we treat people. Anger is something that is also learned. If we are not given the tools we need to handle conflict early on, the conflict may become a way of life. Then, all of these things, the anger, the abuse, and the violence must be unlearned. Changing a behavior once established is difficult, especially when it is entrenched within our identities and our belief systems.
Looking back at the change in my life, I wonder how I made it as far as I did without getting in trouble with the law. I wonder how these attitudes and behaviors, now abhorrent to me, were once something I accepted, and expected my wife and girlfriends to accept. The hard part is that the reality of the situation is that women who were abused as children, often subconsciously seek out abusers as prospective mates, and again the cycle of abuse continues. Why is it that we gravitate towards each other? What invisible force draws us to each other? My experience, and discussions I have had only substantiate this belief. I have heard women question "Why they are drawn to "bad boys" or controlling men over and over again?"
The responsibility to change rests not only on the men in these relationships, but also the women. I am sorry, but in every relationship it takes two. One person cannot fight alone, and they cannot change alone. Both people must set a standard of what is and is not acceptable behavior in their relationship. Whether it is simply a rule to fight fair, or an understanding that when all else fails, one or both of the people needs to have a way of disengaging before it escalates out of control. Even the Bible instructs us not to let the sun set on our anger. I have learned that it is never acceptable to abuse or control another person in a relationship.
Life is a process, and throughout our lives, change is a constant. It happens whether or not we want it to. Things change, circumstances change, times change, relationships change, and in order to keep up, we ourselves must change as well. I only hope that one day I find someone who appreciates the amount of effort, the amount of heartbreak, and the amount of love it has taken for me to make these changes in myself, and what it takes for me to continue changing my attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. As in any addictive behavior, it requires a great deal of determination, support, and prayers to be successful.
Monday, June 01, 2009
FAMILY TIES: By Blood, and By Choice
Most of my life I have had people tell me how talented, how gifted, how good looking, how intelligent, how loving, or simply how good I was. My step father being the exception, of course, spent about nine years tearing me down. Funny... actually, not so funny, when it is all said and done, it is his words that ring in my head the most, telling me what a worthless piece of shit I am. Only problem is that some years ago I realized that it was not his voice I heard anymore, but my own voice instead. Stuff like that has a tendency to stick with a person whether or not they want it to. All the praise I heard my whole life was negated by the words of one angry and bitter old man. Much of my adult life has been spent on the path towards the same sort of anger and bitterness he showed toward me. Thankfully, I had a wake-up call, and chose another path.
I wrote a blog earlier that I wanted to share with my sister, but when she became available, I was on my way out the door. So I sent her the link to my blog here. Apparently she read the whole thing in my absence. It must have moved her, because this is what she wrote to me in Yahoo Messenger.
"I read the entire blog, watched the video,the poem,and you know that I have always loved your photography and your poetry so this will not be news to you, and I still do love it. Having said that I want you to realize how talented you are, ok? This one time in your life pay attention to what I am saying to you Jeffery!!!"
She continues, "Just this once try your best to understand what I am saying to you , Please? You are a good man, that good man has been inside you for your whole life,struggling to get out. I, for one, am glad that he has finally fought his way out. You have made it very difficult, but the nice Jeffery , not many people have not been allowed to see has finally made himself known . Please give him some room to live, I like him a lot and others will too!!! That man that BobbiJo figured out some 25 years ago is really a very nice man and we both care deeply for him."
I guess you would have to know us, bad luck for you, to understand the dynamics of hers and my relationship. Since I was a little boy, she has been there, usually throwing shit at me. She has a tremendous heart, and a giving nature. But, like many people, she has been hurt too, a lot, and not too many people get in far enough to see past the pseudo-Donna who can be (when the notion hits her) a bit of a ... ahem... dare I say, "Bitch"? (I can hear her already saying, "You say that like it's a bad thing!") The Pseudo-Donna is tough, mean, and ain't gonna take no shit from anyone. The Pseudo-Donna has been hurt, has had enough speed bumps in her life to make the ride memorable. The Pseudo-Donna is apt to put on a leather jacket, stiletto heels (to make her look 6'-5") and grab a bat and a gun if necessary on her way out the door to put out yet another fire somewhere, or to kick some serious butt. (I pity the fool.) The Pseudo Donna is only one aspect of the woman I call sister. The other aspect is a pain in the butt too. LOL I know she will read this, so that last was just me baiting her. I thrive on giving her a ration of crap. I have been doing it for years, and see no reason to stop. I have toned it down a little, but not much.
Now, the real Donna, Momma Donna to most of the graduating classes of 2000 and 2001, is still a little rough around the edges. Life was not easy for her, and her parents were not always there for her, in fact rarely were they. As a result, she put out a tremendous effort to be sure the kid had absolutely no doubt that she would do anything for her... ANYTHING. The kid was number one in Donna's life. (Still is, in fact, or perhaps a close second behind the new grandbaby!) The real Donna will make sure you have a full belly. She will make sure you are warm and dry. The Real Donna, only known to a very select few, wears her heart on her sleeve. She will give you shit, and/or throw things at you if she feels you deserve it. But, like so many kids before me, and countless after, the real Donna was always there for you. This is part of why my mother adopted Donna as her own. as far as Mom was concerned, Donna was her daughter. Over time, it was so much easier to give up on the explanation. She is, as far as I am concerned, or anyone else is concerned, my sister. Most people now aren't aware of the truth of the matter. We are not blood relatives. In this case that is good, because with few exceptions, neither one of us care for our blood relatives. But... fortunately for me, family is not defined by how many common genes are shared. Family is defined by the heart.
I really should make it a point someday to thank her for being one of the few constants in my life, for being there to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, or to just be the target of my abuse. I cannot think of many brothers and sisters who are any closer than Donna and I, and it means a lot to hear her praise me so highly, because, like most family, she has seen me at both my best and my worst, but loves me anyway.
I wrote a blog earlier that I wanted to share with my sister, but when she became available, I was on my way out the door. So I sent her the link to my blog here. Apparently she read the whole thing in my absence. It must have moved her, because this is what she wrote to me in Yahoo Messenger.
"I read the entire blog, watched the video,the poem,and you know that I have always loved your photography and your poetry so this will not be news to you, and I still do love it. Having said that I want you to realize how talented you are, ok? This one time in your life pay attention to what I am saying to you Jeffery!!!"
She continues, "Just this once try your best to understand what I am saying to you , Please? You are a good man, that good man has been inside you for your whole life,struggling to get out. I, for one, am glad that he has finally fought his way out. You have made it very difficult, but the nice Jeffery , not many people have not been allowed to see has finally made himself known . Please give him some room to live, I like him a lot and others will too!!! That man that BobbiJo figured out some 25 years ago is really a very nice man and we both care deeply for him."
I guess you would have to know us, bad luck for you, to understand the dynamics of hers and my relationship. Since I was a little boy, she has been there, usually throwing shit at me. She has a tremendous heart, and a giving nature. But, like many people, she has been hurt too, a lot, and not too many people get in far enough to see past the pseudo-Donna who can be (when the notion hits her) a bit of a ... ahem... dare I say, "Bitch"? (I can hear her already saying, "You say that like it's a bad thing!") The Pseudo-Donna is tough, mean, and ain't gonna take no shit from anyone. The Pseudo-Donna has been hurt, has had enough speed bumps in her life to make the ride memorable. The Pseudo-Donna is apt to put on a leather jacket, stiletto heels (to make her look 6'-5") and grab a bat and a gun if necessary on her way out the door to put out yet another fire somewhere, or to kick some serious butt. (I pity the fool.) The Pseudo Donna is only one aspect of the woman I call sister. The other aspect is a pain in the butt too. LOL I know she will read this, so that last was just me baiting her. I thrive on giving her a ration of crap. I have been doing it for years, and see no reason to stop. I have toned it down a little, but not much.
Now, the real Donna, Momma Donna to most of the graduating classes of 2000 and 2001, is still a little rough around the edges. Life was not easy for her, and her parents were not always there for her, in fact rarely were they. As a result, she put out a tremendous effort to be sure the kid had absolutely no doubt that she would do anything for her... ANYTHING. The kid was number one in Donna's life. (Still is, in fact, or perhaps a close second behind the new grandbaby!) The real Donna will make sure you have a full belly. She will make sure you are warm and dry. The Real Donna, only known to a very select few, wears her heart on her sleeve. She will give you shit, and/or throw things at you if she feels you deserve it. But, like so many kids before me, and countless after, the real Donna was always there for you. This is part of why my mother adopted Donna as her own. as far as Mom was concerned, Donna was her daughter. Over time, it was so much easier to give up on the explanation. She is, as far as I am concerned, or anyone else is concerned, my sister. Most people now aren't aware of the truth of the matter. We are not blood relatives. In this case that is good, because with few exceptions, neither one of us care for our blood relatives. But... fortunately for me, family is not defined by how many common genes are shared. Family is defined by the heart.
I really should make it a point someday to thank her for being one of the few constants in my life, for being there to bounce ideas off of, to get advice from, or to just be the target of my abuse. I cannot think of many brothers and sisters who are any closer than Donna and I, and it means a lot to hear her praise me so highly, because, like most family, she has seen me at both my best and my worst, but loves me anyway.
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