OTHER PEOPLE'S TEARS

Since I was up this morning, rather, since I was still up this morning, poking around my blogs, I ran across an old blog which marked a very important moment in my life. I was writing about my ex wife and our relationship, and something profound slipped out. I had quite forgotten about it until this morning. Well, since I know she has never seen my blog, and had never read the entry, and since we are now talking again after several years of not talking, I went ahead and called her at work (she works graveyard) and asked if I could share the blog (read it to her). http://thetruthhurts.blogspot.com/2005_08_20_archive.html (You can find it here)

So I began to read. I thought it would only take a couple minutes... may have taken a few, but as I began to read, I realized that she had become deathly quiet. I realized I had her attention, and she was listening to me, so I continued to read. Now, I know I can write halfway decent if I set my mind to it, and that on occasion I actually write quite well. I think the entry wrote itself for me, but it came out well. As I finished reading the blog entry, I realized that she was crying softly. This was confirmed moments later when she sniffled a little, and said, "You asshole!"

I never intended to make her cry. God knows how many tears she has shed because of me. I think back over my life, and while I have had more than my own share of tears, I recognize that I have been the cause of many more tears. Not only with my ex wife, but my current girlfriend, my past girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my nephew once or twice, a particularly rude and obnoxious customer at the bar I used to work at; the list goes on. How many tears besides my own am I responsible for? When I got married, Pastor Jon wished Terri and I "enough tears to make us tender". We should never have given him free reign to modify our ceremony as he saw fit. But, in retrospect, I kinda understand what he meant, and I am thankful.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Not everyone can remain friends with thier ex spouse. Not everyone has the opportunity to take a good long hard look at themself and then have the opportunity to change.

I guess perhaps I am approaching yet another crossroads in my life, and I will be facing the prospect of changing yet again. This time, I think, I will be changing to save my life. I have promised it so many times through the years, and it is past time, way past time I live up to my promises.

NOCTURNE

Something is wrong. You feel somehow inexplicably that something is amiss, yet you cannot put your finger on it, and say "There! That's it! That is my problem!" No; you just do not feel right, and something deep inside you is telling you something is wrong. This is what I am feeling tonight, and it may be a large part of the reason I have not been sleeping well lately. This is like the third day of messed of sleep for me, and I have lost count of the number of days in a row that my stupid heart acted up. Yes, even now, as I type this, I can feel my heart beating rapid and irregular. Actually, it is in atrial fibrulation, so it is not so much beating in my chest as it is having a siezure. It is completely my fault too, I should not complain about my lot in life, or the trouble I have, because everything that is happening to me now is pretty much the result of me making some incredibly poor decisions in the past.

My heart; lack of exercise, smoking, bad diet, genetic predisposition aside, and diabetes aside, I made choices that affected my heart health, and I ended up with triple bypass at 37 years old. Too young for this sort of stuff. Okay, my diabetes situation is much the same.... Had I taken better care of myself.... and of course diabetes leaves me predisposed for heart disease.... CRAP!

Sometimes, I am afraid to go to sleep because on some level I am afraid I will not wake up. My father went to bed one night, he was 43 years old... he had been sick, and had just returned to work.... and that night died of a massive heart attack. I cannot say that less than 7 months before my 43rd birthday that it is not something I think about. I have long believed that I would not see past 43, but it was so much further away then. Now, it is practically here. My cardio surgeon told me if I did not change, I had 5 years, and that time is up in a few weeks. I think about this a lot and lament that I screwed up so bad. I had the opportunity to change... I had the opportunity to live.... but I wasted it. So.... leaves me asking myself: "Whatchugointodoaboutitasshole?"

For now, I am going to get my feet up, and try to get some rest. I will consider this all later.

THEMATIC APPERCEPTION TEST

I realized that for some reason this poem was not legible when I posted it before, and since it is an image file and not a text file, it made it difficult to edit.. sorta. I broke it up to 3 larger images so it could be read. Have fun.

ANOTHER POEM

I had to dig through my hard drive to find this. This was my last poem I wrote. I wrote it about a week and a half after my divorce was final. I think of it as closure. Until that point I had not given up on the hope my ex and I would get back together. No sooner than I wrote that, someone I had never met before messaged me online. I never really thought much about it. I was not looking for a relationship. Now here it is over a year and a half later, and we are still together. Further, in the past six months or so, I have had the opportunity to salvage at least some of the friendship with my ex. At least we have been able to talk out a lot of the residual issues left over from our failed life together. Reminds me... this photo was my ex's idea.. it is funny albeit quite awkward.

POETRY SCANS

I want there to be some record of my having been here, that is why I write. But much of what I write has never been seen by more than just a select few. Today I am going to post some scans of some of my poetry. A warning though; I generally only have written poetry when I was depressed or in crisis, or when I was dwelling on something . I guess it is time to share. Feel free to comment on them if you wish.

RUMINATIONS

Yesterday I spoke to a friend who I met several years ago online, but having lost contact on more than one occasion, and letting much time pass, it was a little like starting from scratch. For each of us, like so much water under a bridge, life has continued on its merry way, years passed bringing us each closer to death. But life is not over for either of us yet and there is still time to do what God intended in the days that remain.

As Sheriff Chappy Dent (William H. Macy), in the 1999 movie "Happy Texas" said to Harry Sawyer (Jeremy Northam), "It's all about the finding out." That is the great thing about friends: Any amount of time can pass, even years, but when you see each other again, it is like no time has passed at all. You just pick up where you left off. In this case, the thing that strikes me is I really like how this person thinks and writes. I found them intelligent, articulate, and amusing. If I were not concerned with "the finding out", it would be my loss, because I believe in any relationship, the opportunity to grow as a person is always present.

During our brief chat last evening, I mentioned Leo Tolstoy's Diaries. He started his diaries when he was about 13 years old, and had filled 13 volumes by his death. Many of his entries were days, weeks, months, and on occasion years apart. I do not feel too bad that I too allow time to pass between my writings, whether it is journals or emails. I have , or would have about 8 volumes of journals had several of them not been lost to me. They represented about 20 years of my life. Too bad they were lost to me. I really need to get my shit together and start writing again. Many people have encouraged me, yet I still procrastinate, and fear rejection. Who would ever want to read what I have to say? Damn me and my low self esteem issues.

This is my first entry of 2009, and I think it is important to note that while I did not formally make any resolutions this year, I have decided to try to make 2009 the year I take back control. In the areas of my life where control is an issue, where I should have control but don't, specifically my health, and my attitude, I hope to take a more proactive approach, and change what I can. It is important, especially if I want to have a longer and healthier life. Something has to change, and I am the only person with the power to do that.