CRYING A RIVER, BUILDING A BRIDGE, NOT WANTING TO CROSS IT YET

Yeah, well... I was kinda stuck for a title, so this will have to do for now. I am not having a good evening. I actually feel quite lost right now. This is normal. I always feel this way when my heart is broken. The truth is, I hate feeling like this, but I am a sensitive man. I am one of those weird guys who has gotten in touch with his feelings. I am not afraid to cry, but that is not to say that I enjoy crying. To the contrary, crying sucks. Yet sometimes it is the only way we have to release the painful emotions that come with a break up, or a death. Whatever the circumstance, there is a mourning period, and it is just something we must muddle through. It is seldom easy. If I had to describe my feelings at this moment, the best word I could come up with is "Lost". I feel lost. I feel alone, I feel afraid, and I feel like a part of my heart is missing. It feels like a part of me is gone. But all that aside, I am sure at least one person would blame the way I feel on gas or something like that. This most definitely is not gas, but as far as situations go, the situation stinks.

I am in love. I have been in love pretty much from the moment I met her in person. But I was afraid then too. I will never forget the nervousness as I beat feet down to the 7-Eleven where I was to meet her for the first time. I had seen pictures of her, and knew she was driving a purple car... actually, it was more burgundy. It was her idea to meet, and I could no longer validate putting it off. We had, after all, been chatting online for nearly 3 months. I was sooo nervous. I wanted to make a good impression. I put on a nice turtle neck, a pair of slacks, an overcoat, and a gentleman's hat, I looked pretty nice. I wanted to look nice for her. The first I saw of her was her smile. A beautiful infectious grin that only slightly masked the nervousness she was also feeling. That evening, we went down to the riverfront, between Beaches and McMennamin's, and walked along the boardwalk in the moonlight. It was a cool, but clear autumn evening. It was just over two years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember being so nervous that when I accidentally touched her arm, I nearly had a coronary. I thought perhaps I had accidentally brushed her breast, and apologized profusely. She just laughed at me, and told me that I was so cute, and sweet to be concerned. "But was it really so awful to touch me?" she asked.

We walked and we talked for a couple hours actually, and I think I knew then that I wanted to see much more of her. I even tried to be on good behavior. I really tried in the next several weeks to be honorable, to be a Godly man, and acted appropriately around her. I did not touch her or hug her, or kiss her. We just talked. But she respected me for trying to put God first.

But a couple months pass, and she agrees to take me to Bellingham to take care of a matter of personal business. It was supposed to be a simple trip, and I even made arrangements to stay with a pastor friend of mine. Sadly, I think we both knew what was going to happen. I think we both wanted it. That night, we crossed a line we could not cross back over again. Regrets? one or two. It was awkward, clumsy. and it was not what God wanted for us. But, we prayed about it together the next day, and we really did enjoy the rest of our trip. But that night, I hurt her feelings. My mouth.. my inability to keep my thoughts to myself. She ended up in tears, and I felt awful.

Still, upon returning home she had a new apartment, and as the weeks progressed, I was spending more and more time with her. She thought if I simply stayed, it would be a good thing. Her son likes me, she and I were getting along great, and for the next several months, I honestly believe they were the happiest months of my life. There were problems. But I felt like I belonged with her. Still some people frowned on us being together, and it made things difficult.

Things happened as things often do. Mistakes were made on both sides, and each of us walked away with new scars on top of our old ones. Even in he bad moments though, I could not keep from loving her even more. I bought her a promise ring which she says is one of her most treasured possessions. She claims to love me. But in all honesty, each of us is afraid of being hurt. We really are on the same page, but cannot seem to communicate.

I love her. She means the world to me. I want to do anything I can to help her, to be there for her. And without her, I feel completely empty and alone. I am reminded of a song that God gave me many years ago. I knew when I heard it for the very first time that it was important. Today, even though it is a different person I am in love with, the words hold just as deep a meaning to me now as they did all those years ago. I hope she understands that the tears I cry when I hear this song now, these tears are for her.

For her.... Mark Knopfler's "I'm the Fool"
( be sure to play the song itself in the window to the right)
I never thought I'd be the one
To be the raging bull
There'd always be a smoking gun
Who'd up and lose his cool
I never thought I'd have to say
I'm sorry, my love, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I left my dreams with broken strings
It's time I learnt to talk
Stop falling over things
Teach myself to walk
I'm not a superman
Or Mr. wonderful, because
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

I'm the know it all
Trying to mend his broken heart
But I don't know who to call
And I don't know where to start

Now if you should lose your faith in me
I don't know where I'd run
I hope you'll always let me be
Your only one
Am I your one true love
Or am I too late for your applause
I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was
Darling, I'm the fool I never
Fool I never thought I was

ON AGAIN, OFF AGAIN, BUT HURTING JUST THE SAME

For the past few days I have placed this blog in a state of suspended animation. It seems that my last entry was determined to be hurtful by someone mentioned in it. I read it several times over, and honestly, I cannot see how it is hurtful. Yet I apologized for it and the pain it allegedly caused. Today, following more pain of my own, I decided to be true to myself. That is what the last entry was about in the first place. I will not be silenced just because someone does not agree with what I think and feel. It really does not matter if I am wrong or not. I have a right to feel as I do, and to express myself. I will make subtle modifications throughout this blog to eliminate anything that may cause this person undue distress, but I will not do more than to eliminate any personal identifiable information. This may take me a little time to complete, but I will get it done in as timely a manner as possible. I wrote about taking the high road, about having some class and decorum in my last entry, but the entry upset someone I care very much for. They felt it to be a personal attack, and that is certainly not how the entry was intended. So... while I am not going to take it back, the damage is already done, I am going to try to prevent it from causing any more damage.

Meanwhile, my on again, off again relationship is back to the Off position. I wish I were able to repair the damage, but it occurs to me that the damage that exists may have been a pre-existing condition. I want to bare my heart and soul here, but feel limited in what I am able to say because they can read this, and have. It is not my intention to hurt anyone. I love the person I am referring to, and would do anything for them. Unfortunately for me, what this means at the moment, painful as it is, I have to back off, and leave them completely alone. I need to forget about the friendship, the romance, the love I feel for her and her son. I have to let go of the last two years, no matter how much it hurts me to do so. I have to give up on someone who means the world to me. Of course, I have been here several times in the last year, and the emotions I feel are at the very least perplexing. Like the picture says, The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you.

I cannot fix the problem, but I am beginning counseling within the week, and am optimistic that the counselor will be able to help me work through these myriad complex and confounding emotions. This blog will remain my catharsis. It will be my link to the outside and inside worlds.

There is no need to get hurt, or to allow myself to hurt others. Since last September, I have given every effort to try to save this relationship I was in, and I am coming to realize that one person cannot hold a friendship or relationship together, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try. I have not wanted to give up on the relationship even though I was told over and over again that it was over. Fair enough. I am still a friend, and will try always to be true to that nature in myself. Love hurts.... it really does hurt sometimes. But, I still cling to the belief that in the name of love, it is always worth it.

THE COURAGE TO GO ON

Aside from spending so much time in the hospital lately, I find myself in an emotional rut. I am depressed. I am not so much lonely as simply feeling alone. Sometimes at night, I lay awake wishing sleep would find me, but instead lie staring at the ceiling, alone with my thoughts, running at somewhat less than a million miles an hour. I start to fall asleep, and something happens. A door slams, downstairs, a phone rings, an instant message or email beeps in, or sometimes, nothing at all, and my eyes snap open. Then I, with nothing else to do, count my own heartbeats and wonder about my life.

It can be safely assumed that I am not happy. I am neither happy nor sad. I just am. I am depressed. I feel alone a lot. I fear death and contemplate my own mortality. I pray, and I worry. I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am not a failure, but I am not particularly successful. My dreams, most of them feel out of reach, unattainable. My family, by and large is scattered and broken. Months and years pass between contacts. Much the same can be said of my friends. I have a small handful of people I talk to regularly. All of them it seems have lives.

I want to discuss some things I have learned about relationships, and recently, the importance of the lesson I will write about today has been driven home with amazing clarity and precision. It pretty much validates to me that in premise, though certainly not worded very well, I am on the right track with my thinking.

I have been hurt in relationships through out my life, and I have hurt those I have been in relationships with. Being hurt is not a good enough reason to deliberately hurt someone you claim to love. I have learned that in relationships it is always best to keep your mouth shut, no matter what happens. If you want to save the relationship, then it is up to you to preserve it. If it fails, then you can explain the reasons if you want, but the nobler thing would be to simply let it go. Never bad mouth your partner, always be willing to accept full responsibility for the failure, even if you feel it was not your fault. Accountability, personal responsibility; let the petty differences go, let the more important issues go. Take the high road. Be discreet, be honorable, be tactful. There is no need to hurt the other person just because you are hurt. The only people that need be involved are the two people involved in the relationship. What happens in the relationship should stay in the relationship. Unless there is reason to discuss it with someone else, i.e., a counselor. If anything must be said, take the blame yourself, treat the other person with respect even if they betrayed you. Sort of following the simple acronym popular among Christians: "What Would Jesus Do? (WWJD) He was persecuted, beaten, lied about, tortured, and finally killed, yet He remained true to His nature. He forgave them all. He took it all upon Himself. I do not claim to be like Jesus, no sir, that is not my point. But I would do well to learn from His example and remain humble and meek. I have nothing to prove to anyone. No one that is, except to myself. Beyond that, I guess I simply wish I had the answers to the problems I am facing right now. I wish I could find the strength and courage to face them head on.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

This month has been mostly crappy. I have been in the hospital most of it. I guess I have made my medical spend down, and then some. First MRSA infection in my leg... okay.. I was wrong. Technically it was MSSA, the same bug, but not resistant to antibiotics. But who the hell has heard of MSSA? Why cant they just say staph? Oh well. Then comes a bout of pancreatitis, gastritis, and now it looks like the infection in my leg is coming back in spite of the antibiotics. For the past 10 days I have been unable to eat without pain, everything I eat and drink causes me pain. As a result I am afraid to eat. As a result of all the hospitalization and my fear of eating, I have lost 31 pounds. The loss of that much weight in 3 weeks time scares the shit out of me, but otherwise, I am pretty cool with it. I wanted to lose weight, just not this way. I was in the emergency room again last night over in Oregon at the Adventist Health Center. They were nice, but could not really help me. It was the pain that took me there. I am so sick of hurting all the time. I want to eat, I need to eat, but with it hurting, What the hell am I supposed to do? Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time that I feel like giving up on life altogether. Then as it happens every time, I get over it.
Ain't life a bitch?

Super Buggin' Out

Well, you may have noticed that my blogging has dropped off a bit lately, and with cause. Todays entry is more or less just an FYI post for those that read it.

For the past three weeks I have been enduring the painful advance of a growing infection in my leg. Forced to wait until now because of my issues with my insurance and whathaveyou. I told them when they garnished my pay what would happen, and I was not lying. When I ran out of meds, the infection grew. So... now, after suffering many sleepless nights, and days upon end laying in bed with my feet propped up, I now get to go to the hospital for more of the same.

I do not need a doctor to tell me what I have. I recognize the symptoms, and know conclusively that my cellulitus has developed into MRSA (METHYCILLIN-RESISTANT STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS). With my health conditions, the danger of this so called new superbug (originally predicted in the 1950s) I am aware I have put myself and my room mate at grave risk. I have had MRSA before and nearly died. The risk is the same here. Untreated, it could kill me. I am very sick now, and have kept very close watch on my progression. I have barely enough energy to function most days and have lost 10 pounds in the last month. My weight rarely ever fluctuates more than a couple pounds.

Anyway, I do not know if I will have internet access, and I no longer have my cell phone, so my contact with the outside world may be limited for a couple weeks or more. I do not know what to expect. I just know I cannot come home while I am still sick and/or contagious. But, I have a book, and some drawing paper, and a notebook, and a cribbage board and playing cards. I should be able to stay busy.

When I return home, I will try to bring this up to date. Life does not seem to stand still even though I do. Regards to each of you. Thank you for reading this.