ROBO-BOB AND THE BOYS

I am still scanning and editing the stack of photographs my exwife gave me, and in the last entry posted some pics of some posies and some pussies. (Flowers and Felines?) Looks like I will add a few more as I make more progress scanning them in. Aside from the yawn shots of Abbott and Costello (Red & Blue collars) there is one of the boys playing with their buddy Bob. I had a RoboSapien for a while, and not sure that the cats did not have more fun with him than I did. I was able to have Bob grasp one or more of their toys and play with the cats until Abbott (Red) took the toy away from Bob and dragged it to my ex to play with.

OLD PHOTOGRAPHS

My exwife found a number of pictures I took during the last couple months we were together. It was summertime, a couple months after my heart surgery, and the flowers around our house were in full bloom, and our cats were out everyday playing in the sunshine. So, I am uploading several of the pics, including one of each of our kitties Abbott & Costello. (Abbott in Red Collar, Costello in Blue Collar)

SLEEP AID

DECISIONS, DECISIONS...

I have sleep apnea, diabetes, a heart condition, and occasionally insomnia. Inotherwords, sometimes, life is a bitch. There are occasions, as I have mentioned previously in this blog, where for one reason or another, sleep evades me. Try as I might, I can lay down, count sheep, but I just see that working. Besides, sheep scare me. (Not Really) Tonight I decided to count liquor bottles. There were three of them in the freezer. Gee! I sure love having a choice! But sometimes it is so hard to make up your mind with so many choices available.

THE CHOICE MAKES ITSELF

So I looked at the bottles, and decided right away that Ouzo was a very bad idea no matter what time of the day it was. I could have done the black Velvet but my roomie cannot stand Wild Turkey, so even though the bottle is mine, I will leave it for him. (Actually, he has been drinking most of the Ouzo as well) So that leaves my favorite of the three, Wild Turkey on three rocks. If that wont relax me enough to find sleep, I do not know what will. I generally do not ever need more than one drink, and seldom drink more than a couple when I do, which is rare. I do not have a problem with drinking, I just have control issues and will not ever drink myself to oblivion. I do not like being out of control.

NIGHTCAP ANYONE?

So here it is, nearly 3am, and nightcap in hand, I am ready to call it a day. Tomorrow promises to be a long day. I am supposed to meet up with my (EX?) girlfriend at 5pm , and am a little nervous. She called it quits while insisting it was really my idea. Funny, I would think I might have remembered that. Relationships can be so difficult and draining at times. I do not know why it has to be so difficult to communicate when we both seem to be saying the same thing. On the one hand, neither one of us wants it to be over. I know I don't, and she says she feels the same way. But I am having a hard time telling these days. On the other hand, I am pretty tired of feeling like I was last on her list of priorities. I guess tomorrow I may find out.

HUMOR IN ADVERTISING

I found this at Fred Meyers yesterday, and my room mate and I got a great laugh from it. Maybe because our minds are generally in the toilet (literally) we thought it was a riot. Even reading it straight, it was funny, because we both apparantly appreciate bathroom humor. Either that or because we realize the futility of anything covering some of the odors that come out of that room.

A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING

Introducing my Granddaughter, Makayla

About five months ago I met my stepson's fiance for the first time. She was shy, and quiet and scarcely turned away from the jigsaw puzzle she was working on. Shortly afterwards, my step son (Chris), his fiancé (Betsy), and her daughter (Makayla) visited me at my girlfriend's apartment. The very first day I met Makayla it was her 5th birthday. I had nothing for her, but as Chris informed me she was about to be my grand daughter, I acted fast. Remembering a pair of stuffed Hershey's Kisses toys my ex wife (Chris' Mom) had bought for me many Valentines Days before, I presented those to Mac with as little ceremony as possible.

So, Chris and Betsy were married last weekend, and although brief, I was very glad to attend the ceremony. Perhaps later I may have some pictures to post. This weekend there were a couple firsts. I received my first kiss from my grand daughter. Her grandmother whined that she did not even merit a kiss from Makayla, but somehow I did. So I teased that I would have to train the child to kiss my cheek whenever I asked for sugar.... my ex groaned, "You would!" The other first was a photograph, the first of me with my grand Daughter.

These things are important to me because I really have little family, and no biological children. Christopher is the closest thing to a son I will ever have, and I could not be prouder of him if he were my son. So for him to insist that Mac call me Grandpa Jeff, it makes me feel kinda warm and proud all at once. I was so worried that because I was such a schmuck, I would have a negative impact on his life. He turned out wonderfully in spite of me. He is a decent, hard working, loving man, who I have complete faith in. His bride is beautiful, and intelligent, and funny. She is a real kick in the pants. Makayla is the embodiment of a little girl; sugar and spice and everything nice. Might want to cut back on the sugar though! She is a happy, smiling, active 5 year old who loves chattering and being the center of attention. She is very photogenic, as you can see by the way she posed for the camera above. Me? Chris' camera blinded me.... but a good picture nonetheless.

Here is the rub; I have never been a father. I have never been a grandfather. This is all a little new to me. I do not really understand what is expected of me in this role. I do not know how to be a grandfather. But.... with thanks to almighty God for the healing He has brought into my life and into the relationship with my ex, and my step son, I am looking forward to trying to be one.

OTHER PEOPLE'S TEARS

Since I was up this morning, rather, since I was still up this morning, poking around my blogs, I ran across an old blog which marked a very important moment in my life. I was writing about my ex wife and our relationship, and something profound slipped out. I had quite forgotten about it until this morning. Well, since I know she has never seen my blog, and had never read the entry, and since we are now talking again after several years of not talking, I went ahead and called her at work (she works graveyard) and asked if I could share the blog (read it to her). http://thetruthhurts.blogspot.com/2005_08_20_archive.html (You can find it here)

So I began to read. I thought it would only take a couple minutes... may have taken a few, but as I began to read, I realized that she had become deathly quiet. I realized I had her attention, and she was listening to me, so I continued to read. Now, I know I can write halfway decent if I set my mind to it, and that on occasion I actually write quite well. I think the entry wrote itself for me, but it came out well. As I finished reading the blog entry, I realized that she was crying softly. This was confirmed moments later when she sniffled a little, and said, "You asshole!"

I never intended to make her cry. God knows how many tears she has shed because of me. I think back over my life, and while I have had more than my own share of tears, I recognize that I have been the cause of many more tears. Not only with my ex wife, but my current girlfriend, my past girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my nephew once or twice, a particularly rude and obnoxious customer at the bar I used to work at; the list goes on. How many tears besides my own am I responsible for? When I got married, Pastor Jon wished Terri and I "enough tears to make us tender". We should never have given him free reign to modify our ceremony as he saw fit. But, in retrospect, I kinda understand what he meant, and I am thankful.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Not everyone can remain friends with thier ex spouse. Not everyone has the opportunity to take a good long hard look at themself and then have the opportunity to change.

I guess perhaps I am approaching yet another crossroads in my life, and I will be facing the prospect of changing yet again. This time, I think, I will be changing to save my life. I have promised it so many times through the years, and it is past time, way past time I live up to my promises.

NOCTURNE

Something is wrong. You feel somehow inexplicably that something is amiss, yet you cannot put your finger on it, and say "There! That's it! That is my problem!" No; you just do not feel right, and something deep inside you is telling you something is wrong. This is what I am feeling tonight, and it may be a large part of the reason I have not been sleeping well lately. This is like the third day of messed of sleep for me, and I have lost count of the number of days in a row that my stupid heart acted up. Yes, even now, as I type this, I can feel my heart beating rapid and irregular. Actually, it is in atrial fibrulation, so it is not so much beating in my chest as it is having a siezure. It is completely my fault too, I should not complain about my lot in life, or the trouble I have, because everything that is happening to me now is pretty much the result of me making some incredibly poor decisions in the past.

My heart; lack of exercise, smoking, bad diet, genetic predisposition aside, and diabetes aside, I made choices that affected my heart health, and I ended up with triple bypass at 37 years old. Too young for this sort of stuff. Okay, my diabetes situation is much the same.... Had I taken better care of myself.... and of course diabetes leaves me predisposed for heart disease.... CRAP!

Sometimes, I am afraid to go to sleep because on some level I am afraid I will not wake up. My father went to bed one night, he was 43 years old... he had been sick, and had just returned to work.... and that night died of a massive heart attack. I cannot say that less than 7 months before my 43rd birthday that it is not something I think about. I have long believed that I would not see past 43, but it was so much further away then. Now, it is practically here. My cardio surgeon told me if I did not change, I had 5 years, and that time is up in a few weeks. I think about this a lot and lament that I screwed up so bad. I had the opportunity to change... I had the opportunity to live.... but I wasted it. So.... leaves me asking myself: "Whatchugointodoaboutitasshole?"

For now, I am going to get my feet up, and try to get some rest. I will consider this all later.

THEMATIC APPERCEPTION TEST

I realized that for some reason this poem was not legible when I posted it before, and since it is an image file and not a text file, it made it difficult to edit.. sorta. I broke it up to 3 larger images so it could be read. Have fun.

ANOTHER POEM

I had to dig through my hard drive to find this. This was my last poem I wrote. I wrote it about a week and a half after my divorce was final. I think of it as closure. Until that point I had not given up on the hope my ex and I would get back together. No sooner than I wrote that, someone I had never met before messaged me online. I never really thought much about it. I was not looking for a relationship. Now here it is over a year and a half later, and we are still together. Further, in the past six months or so, I have had the opportunity to salvage at least some of the friendship with my ex. At least we have been able to talk out a lot of the residual issues left over from our failed life together. Reminds me... this photo was my ex's idea.. it is funny albeit quite awkward.

POETRY SCANS

I want there to be some record of my having been here, that is why I write. But much of what I write has never been seen by more than just a select few. Today I am going to post some scans of some of my poetry. A warning though; I generally only have written poetry when I was depressed or in crisis, or when I was dwelling on something . I guess it is time to share. Feel free to comment on them if you wish.

RUMINATIONS

Yesterday I spoke to a friend who I met several years ago online, but having lost contact on more than one occasion, and letting much time pass, it was a little like starting from scratch. For each of us, like so much water under a bridge, life has continued on its merry way, years passed bringing us each closer to death. But life is not over for either of us yet and there is still time to do what God intended in the days that remain.

As Sheriff Chappy Dent (William H. Macy), in the 1999 movie "Happy Texas" said to Harry Sawyer (Jeremy Northam), "It's all about the finding out." That is the great thing about friends: Any amount of time can pass, even years, but when you see each other again, it is like no time has passed at all. You just pick up where you left off. In this case, the thing that strikes me is I really like how this person thinks and writes. I found them intelligent, articulate, and amusing. If I were not concerned with "the finding out", it would be my loss, because I believe in any relationship, the opportunity to grow as a person is always present.

During our brief chat last evening, I mentioned Leo Tolstoy's Diaries. He started his diaries when he was about 13 years old, and had filled 13 volumes by his death. Many of his entries were days, weeks, months, and on occasion years apart. I do not feel too bad that I too allow time to pass between my writings, whether it is journals or emails. I have , or would have about 8 volumes of journals had several of them not been lost to me. They represented about 20 years of my life. Too bad they were lost to me. I really need to get my shit together and start writing again. Many people have encouraged me, yet I still procrastinate, and fear rejection. Who would ever want to read what I have to say? Damn me and my low self esteem issues.

This is my first entry of 2009, and I think it is important to note that while I did not formally make any resolutions this year, I have decided to try to make 2009 the year I take back control. In the areas of my life where control is an issue, where I should have control but don't, specifically my health, and my attitude, I hope to take a more proactive approach, and change what I can. It is important, especially if I want to have a longer and healthier life. Something has to change, and I am the only person with the power to do that.

LEFT SIDE LUMPY

I have a million things I need to be thinking about besides blogging, yet here I am. Feeling a little guilty perhaps because I am procrastinating, and I know it. I do not want to be doing all those other things. I do not want to be thinking about those million other things. First of all, I am tired. Got me a bunch of those annoying little aches and pains that come with getting older, and sleeping like a cat, sprawled across a bed, on top of pillows, blankets, et cetera. I know better than to do lumpy. But, I was tired when I laid down, and lumpy the bed was, so lumpy I now feel. Crap. Actually, it is my right shoulder, neck and side that hurt, but the caption "Left Side Lumpy" just sounded better.

I had better get used to it. I have shattered my elbow, dislocated both shoulders, had numerous broken bones, quite literally from my head to my feet. I am nearing middle age, and I should expect there to be more and more days where I will feel at least a little lumpy. I better learn to like it, or lump it. Gee... that sounded so much funnier in my head before I typed it.

PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED

Dismally disappointed in myself, I find myself in a somewhat pensive mood this evening, and I want to write. I do not even really care what I write about, just so long as I write. Some of my best stuff comes when I sit down without a plan. I guess, if I do not have to be anywhere in particular, I am free to wander. Heck, some of the worlds greatest discoveries were made by accident. That is not to say that I am going to write about anything earth shattering here, but I am going to write, and haven't a clue where this mood is going to take me.

So... Lets start with the subject of honesty.

According to Wikipedia,

Honesty is the human quality of communicating and acting truthfully related to truth as a value. This includes listening, and any action in the human repertoire — as well as speaking.

Superficially, honesty means simply stating facts and views as best one truly believes them to be. It includes both honesty to others, and to oneself (see: self-deception) and about one's own motives and inner reality. Honesty, at times, has the ability to cause misfortune to the person who displays it. Honesty can also mean fairness, and truthfulness, and the avoidance of misleading people.

The Western Concept of Honesty

The concept of honesty applies to all behaviors. One cannot refuse to consider factual information, for example, and still claim that one's knowledge, belief, or position is an attempt to be truthful or is held in "good faith." Such willful blindness is clearly a product of one's desires and simply has nothing to do with the human ability to know. Basing one's positions on what one wants — rather than unbiased evidence gathering — is dishonest even when good intentions can be cited — after all even villains could cite good intentions and intended glory for a select group of people. Clearly then, an unbiased approach to the truth is a requirement of honesty.

Because intentions are closely related to fairness, and certainly affect the degree of honesty/dishonesty, there is a widespread confusion about honesty. There is also a general belief that one is necessarily aware that dishonest behavior is dishonest. But it's at the moment when one willfully disregards information in order to benefit (such as to justify their actions or beliefs) that one shows whether they are interested in the truth or whether they have a lack of respect for the truth, which is dishonesty, regardless of whether they mislabel it stubbornness or conviction. Socrates had much to say about truth, honesty and morality, and explained that if people really understood that their behavior was wrong — then they simply would not choose it. Furthermore, the more dishonest someone is, the less likely they are to understand honesty and to characterize their behavior as wrong. Unfortunately,the meaning of honesty has been marginalized to specific lists of behaviors that more often than not --change over time like fashion. The understanding that honesty requires an unbiased approach to the truth and to evidence gathering at all times (a timeless approach) collides with ideologies of all types. This would explain why honesty, although often discussed -- has failed to become a cultural norm. Ideologies and idealism inherently exaggerate and suppress evidence in order to support their perspectives. They essentially state that their way is the only right way to view the world. This erodes the practice and understanding of honesty and creates ongoing conflicts in all human relationships.

Okay, honestly, I just cut and pasted the previous. It was a lot easier that way, and it allows me to move on.
I have been struggling with honestly a lot lately. No so much that I am having a hard time telling the truth, to the contrary... I am having a difficult time keeping my big mouth shut. I gave up on lies several years back... as a result, I hurt other's feelings a lot. I always seem to say the wrong thing. I do not seem to possess as much tact as I perhaps should.

So, here I am, in a relationship, looking for work, and dealing with a whole lot of stuff I would rather not have to. OOps... That kinda came out wrong. I have a lot on my plate right now, a lot of stress. It is largely related to my lack of employment and my difficulty paying bills. I am looking for work, and that is stressful, and I am in a relationship. When I said there was a lot of stuff I did not want to deal with right now, I was referring to everything BUT my relationship with Corrie. That, while not perfect, is the one thing in my life that makes it worthwhile to get up in the morning. If it were not for her, I would be facing my problems alone, and to be honest, I would rather face them with her. She gives me a lot of strength and courage.

Anyway, Honesty. Honesty is one of the things about her that I admire so completely. She seems unable to lie. Her direct and forthright way of speaking her mind is totally refreshing. No bullshit, no guessing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would tend to say that in her I have found a woman who has no malice in her heart (unless you are a clown... she hates those). I don't blame her. Which reminds me... did you hear about the cannibals? They will not eat clowns because they smell funny.

TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS

Found this image of a document I made as a joke some years back. Just posting it to be funny.

SELF DISCOVERY

For a time, it would seem, I have fallen off the planet. I do not know for certain whether the Earth picked up speed as it spun on it's axis, or whether it momentarily stopped altogether briefly, long enough only for the gravitational field to lose it's hold on me and allowing me to hurtle off into space. But obviously, for a time anyway, I was not here. What other plausible explanation might explain my lengthy absence from writing in my blog here? Oh wait! I know.. I know... I got it! The real reason I was not here posting blogs is because I was sailing deep into Polynesian waters when a storm came up were it not for the courage of the fearless crew, it surely would have been lost. The boat set down on the shore of some uncharted desert isle where I was held captive by seven crazed geriatrics that had capsized there some 40 years before.

No? Okay... that was a bit of a stretch. Bottom line, I have no excuses for not writing. I just looked at my blog today and was disappointed that there are relatively few entries in light of the length of time that this Blog has been online. I want to be a prolific writer, I want to share a little bit of myself, but every time I try, something happens and I blow it off. It is the same thing with my handwritten journals. I go months sometimes between entries. I feel bad for that because to a degree, I feel that I have lost a piece of my past by not keeping a record of it. Damn OCD anyway.

The last week alone has provided me with plenty of stuff to think and write about, but I just have not been able to slow down my brain long enough to actually sit down and do it. Then, like now, I am harried, as I have an appointment in like 30 minutes.... but it is a good thing. My job hunt has not been going well, I have had a large number of negative responses if I got a response at all. I have not been able to make it past the pre-employment phone screens. It makes me feel like crap because I know if I could only get to meet a person face to face, I would likely have had a job months ago. So, in an hours time, I will be sitting in front of a human resources administrator, and a department manager in the first face to face interview I have had in a very long time. Nervous? You bet. Anxious... yeah.. more so with each passing minute. I applied for virtually every single position within the company, short of management, though I could probably handle that too. The pre employment testing was a no brainer for me, but it seemed all common sense. I have no reason to be nervous really, but I do not want this job so much as need it. It is not with one of my preferred options. I applied at a lot of companies... some ecause I was interested, others because I was qualified, and others still because I knew they were more apt to hire because of the large rate of turnover. Todays interview is with one of the latter companies. I need a job, and have had to lower my standards about the type of work I am willing to do, and the treatment I am willing to endure, all in the name of getting a steady income flowing in.Okay... so I hope I get the job... but I am not ending my search here. I hope to develop and hone my skills, pad my resume with new experiences and certificates if possible... Pad.. okay.. bad word... But my resume is stripped pretty bare now because I am not looking for jobs working with kids or adults anymore. I am no longer a counselor, no longer a teacher, no longer a recreation professional, no longer a caregiver, and no longer really qualified for the work I once did. What I want now is a desk job, because of my health, but unlikely to see that here. I will likely be doing physical labor again, and with trepidations about my heart. I know lifting and moving items may cause me pain... but is it really worth saying anything and take a chance at not getting a job, or to go in, try my best, then give 20 % more if I can, and hope for the best? If something happens, I may be able to deal with it equally well after I have the job. Well.. wish me luck.. time for me to go. Crossing my fingers.

DANGEROUS WATERS

My girlfriend and I were out grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, and we had her 8 year old son with us. It was a day where nothing had been going smoothly, and so perhaps tolerance levels were not as high as they might be normally. Be that as it may, here it is dinner time, we had finished shopping, and had stopped by Wendy's for a couple burgers because Corrie did not really feel up to cooking. Everything is going well... until we pull back out onto the Avenue and turn towards home. Suddenly, there before our eyes is a 4 foot by 8 foot depiction of a physician's hand in rubber glove holding a small, completely formed, but eviscerated fetus. This billboard was being held for all to see by a woman probably in her 50's. She is obviously aware of her protected status under the constitution to display this horrid image to all passersby on this very busy public road.

I am proud to be an American, and am glad to call the USA my home. I support this country and all of its rights and privileges, and honor those brave men and women who have fought and died that we might have these freedoms, including the freedom of speech. I thank God for our First Amendment Rights, because while it gives that woman the right to offend people with the graphic images she held aloft for men, women, and children to view, within view of 2 restaurants at dinnertime, it also gives me the right to express my feelings about how angry I am that she deprived us of the right not to be assaulted in this fashion.

I suppose you would call me a middle of the road asshole. I support the woman's right to choose. I believe that there are instances where abortion is an option, and that ultimately that decision rests on the individual woman. I do not have to agree or disagree. I believe it is a choice, but that it should never be the first and only choice. It should never be used as birth control. Too many couples, loving people, regardless of race, economic status, or sexual orientation want to have children, and are not able. Many of these candidates are fully capable of providing safe, nurturing, loving homes to these so called unwanted children, and should have the opportunity.

I know my views may be unpopular to some, and realize that abortion is one of the most volatile issues today. When does a fetus become viable? When does it become sentient? When does it have rights of its own? When does it go from being a human fetus to being a human being? These are questions I am not qualified to answer. I am simply glad I was one of those that lived. I am glad I lived long enough to be able to articulate the complex and diverse feelings about something that has bothered me for 2 days now. I cannot justify posting the actual image that so offended my girlfriend and I, not in good conscience. If you have to see it, look up "truth trucks" on Google.

ON THE TURNING AWAY

I would love to be able to say that I feel good about everything I have accomplished this week, but I don't. What accomplishments I have had are tempered by the overall sense of discouragement I have taken away with me. I mean, I was discouraged before, but it seems that with each passing day, with each passing rejection, with each passing glimmer of hope extinguished one at a time, I am finding it more and more difficult to look at the bright side of things. I have long known that life is not easy generally, but I never really expected it to become this difficult.

I have long heard it said that "bad things happen to good people", and "no good deed goes necessarily unpunished". Okay... it was my sister telling me these things, and I never really spent a whole lot of effort listening to my sister. She has had a lot happen in her life, and to be frank, she depresses the hell out of me sometimes. When she isn't depressing me by being critical of the things I do, she is making me feel like crap by telling me how bad she has it. It was this uncomfortable relational dynamic that more or less helped me to decide to move out from her place nearly a year ago. I spent about 10 months living with her after losing my home. It was supposed to be a hand up, a mutually beneficial arrangement to help us both out. It did not work out that way. Over time she got on my nerves, and I suppose I on hers. The arrangement became unhealthy for both of us it seemed. Now, had I listened to my brother Joe, I would have learned not to sweat the small shit, and that it is all small shit. Fine, Joe. You were smart. You never ever lived with her.

Then there of course is the whole plethora of other things going on in my life. It is complicated when everything gets muddled together like this

THINKING ABOUT LYRICS

Earlier today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever had someone listen to a song because it encompassed a thought or feeling far better than she would have been able to express on her own. She acknowledged that she had done that. So to myself, I think, "Cool! I was afraid I was the only person that ever did that." My ex wife may not have had a grasp on the idea, or perhaps just could not relate to secular music. Perhaps still, maybe her upbringing did not allow that kind of thinking, or maybe she lacked the imagination to put herself in the shoes of the songwriter. It really does not matter. She basically thought I was nuts. As did my sister. My sister referred to all the music I used to listen to so regularly as either crap, or death music. Screw her too.

Anyway, a bit later my girlfriend played a song that was important to her back when she was a teenager. She apologized and tried to qualify the song by saying she had not listened to it in years, and did not know if it would still hold the same meaning for her. Okay, okay.. we all grow up, and think about things differently. As long as it was not Tiny Tim, I would not hold it against her. It wasn't, thank goodness. But by the third note I recognized the song as Pat Benetar's "Hell is For Children" and knowing her and her story as well as I do, I was neither surprised nor critical of her choice. It was apt. But that got me to thinking; I became aware earlier today that Richard Wright of Pink Floyd had lost his battle to cancer and I felt bad that an integral part of the Pink Floyd sound was forever silenced. Back in the day, when I was a teenager, I thought the Floyd was the best rock band ever. (I have since broadened my perspectives a bit.) I still like the Floyd, and always will albeit not as fond of the darker stuff Waters used to write. But in my youth, I felt a certain kinship with the music, because some of it was dark. SO, I played the song that I felt as a teenager most encompassed my experience. Likewise, I had not listened to it in many years. In the 20 or so years that have passed since I last heard it, a lot has changed with me, and suffice to say, the song no longer means the same thing to me. It now seems more like some sort of sublingual self fulfilling prophesy. It upset me that I identify now with much more of the song, and it is not a good thing. The lyrics follow. I will get back on this train of thought shortly.

Dogs

by Pink Floyd

Animals, 1976

c. Pink Floyd: (Waters, Wright, Mason, Gilmour)



You gotta be crazy, you gotta have a real need

You gotta sleep on your toes, and when you're on the street

You gotta be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed

And then moving in silently, down wind and out of sight

You gotta strike when the moment is right without thinking.

And after a while, you can work on points for style

Like the club tie, and the firm handshake

A certain look in the eye, and an easy smile

You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to

So that when they turn their backs on you

You'll get the chance to put the knife in.

You gotta keep one eye looking over your shoulder

You know it's going to get harder, and harder, and harder as you get older

And in the end you'll pack up, fly down south

Hide your head in the sand

Just another sad old man

All alone and dying of cancer.

And when you loose control,

you'll reap the harvest that you've sown

And as the fear grows, the bad blood slows and turns to stone

And it's too late to loose the weight you used to need to throw around

So have a good drown, as you go down, alone

Dragged down by the stone.

I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused

Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used

Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise

If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending

That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend

And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner

And everythings done under the sun

And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer.

Who was born in a house full of pain

Who was trained not to spit in the fan

Who was told what to do by the man

Who was broken by trained personnel

Who was fitted with collar and chain

Who was given a pat on the back

Who was breaking away from the pack

Who was only a stranger at home

Who was ground down in the end

Who was found dead on the phone

Who was dragged down by the stone.




not done; taking a break; finish this thought later

NEED NOT APPLY

Well, Crap!

Today was going pretty great until I realized that the HR Department had only called me for yet another phone screening, but since they did not reach me when they called, they moved on to the next applicant, and I missed the window of opportunity until at least November. The problem is is that the apartment lease is up in October, and doubt if it will be renewed. So need employment immediately. I made a number of online applications today, all for jobs I really do not want, but I know I have to accept the first thing that comes along, no matter how menial, how degrading, how low paid, or how far away. I am sick and freaking tired of employers turning me away because of the bullshit DV charge from my former client. I am not a violent person, and I did not do what she alleged. I simply told her that as long as she lived in my home that I could not have her self medicating with street drugs and alcohol and mouthwash when neither of the others was available. I never thought that I would lose my home and everything I owned to someone like that. I thought the laws were there to protect everyone. Instead, I found out that in this society the whole idea of Innocent until Proven Guilty is a farce. I lost my job, my home, everything of any value, my credentials, and over time, I have been losing hope a little at a time.

I even got turned down as a bouncer at a local tavern.... me, a 6' tall, 300 lb former cop with loads of experience, and Professional Assault Response Training. How can I go from having certification to carry a weapon, training to handle any situation, numerous work related seminars, certifications, and licenses, the physical size and strength to handle most labor jobs, and the intelligence to qualify me for the oldest High IQ organization in the world to a disabled and unemployed person who is getting turned down for every single job he has applied for in the past two years? The cost of living has kept on increasing, while my income hasn't. I guess maybe I am not as intelligent as I thought I was. But... on October 6th, I hear they are again testing in this area for membership to Mensa. I know I qualify, just never got around to taking the formalized test provided by the agency. All of my testing was done on pre employment screenings, the ASVAB, PSATs, SATs, etc. I guess I will pay the $40 and take the test for no other reason than it may look good on a resume.

I am incredibly discouraged right now, and am frustrated with the circumstances. I would be grinding my teeth if they had not already started falling out thanks to no insurance coverage.

FRESH BREATH

Yeah... Well! What can I say about the title of this entry? It was the first thing that popped into my head after I realized how long it has been since I blogged. I sort of wanted to convey in a couple words that I am still alive, well, and growing. What I ended up with is a Mentos Commercial. Oh well. I have one person that actually reads these things, and I hope that person is well. As for me... life moves on so rapidly sometimes, I find myself looking back and wondering "What the fuck was that?" I can't complain really though not for a lack of practice. I have spent so much of my life bitching about the myriad small annoyances that creep inevitably into everyones life, I sometimes forget my brother Joe's advice... the two rules for living as he called it... "1. Don't sweat the small shit. 2. It is all small shit." He was probably right. But, were he still alive, I would have to remind him that small or not, Shit still stinks generally. (Not mine of course!)

Anyway... this writing finds me looking at several areas of my life where I am not fully satisfied or even happy. One question keeps ringing in the back of my noggin; "So...; Whatchagonnadoboutitasshole?"

Several things generally weigh heavy on my mind on any given day.

In order of stress level (highest to lowest) they are:
Finances, Job (or lack thereof), my primary relationship, my physical health, my family, the future, legal obligations, basic needs.

Many years ago, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life, I thought I knew what I wanted to do for a career. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on who I was and who/what I wanted to be. I had an image of myself in the future, and was content with that image. But life has a tendency to take us through many unexpected twists and turns. There is no planning for every contingency. In my teens I decided I would not get married until I was financially stable. RIiiighhht. Like that was actually going to happen. Love snuck up on me, and I was anything but secure. In fact, as I began dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, I was homeless. I was not so much homeless in the sense that I was living on the streets. I had my truck, and a camper, and I basically chose to live like that because for a time, it was the most cost effective way to live. I was single, and my two dogs and I got by okay. We all took turns farting up the camper, so heat was never a problem. But the combination of airborne particles of poop vapors made the close quarters in the camper a bit unbearable at times. Okay.. okay.. too much info; I know. Suffice to say, while amusing to me to write about, it is mostly just a pointless distraction from what I really want to write about here.

Life is hard sometimes. I have a wonderful girlfriend right now, and if things go well, we will probably get married down the road. I don't care that I am not financially stable. What I do care about is her. She and I have so much in common, including the things we worry about. Finances being a biggie. Which brings me more or less to my point. Some years back, my health began to fail, and I was not able to work. Who ever expected me to have to go through heart surgery at age 37? Not me certainly. So, trying to live on a disability pension has not been easy. In fact, it downright sucked. So yesterday I finally get a call from the gal in personnel where I recently applied. In fact she called twice. (That's promising, right?) So tomorrow I call her to set up an interview. I am excited and scared at the same time. If I get the job, it means an end to the security of my pension, which is more than a lot of people make. But it also means a world of opportunity for me. It means putting my life as I know it on the line, taking a chance, hoping for the best, and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, maybe I will be able to take back control over my life. I have grown tired of feeling like a passive participant, having little control over the things that happen around me. I would rather hit the lottery, but I think a job would do my ego and self image a lot of good. I really could use a shot in the arm like this. As I understand it, it is an ISO 9000 company, and has a full benefit package. I have always kind of wanted a desk job, but ended up doing the more physical jobs. Now, if all goes well, I will be getting paid to talk, and work on the computer... two things I do a lot of already. It was not in my plan for my life, nor was living in the area I am. I grew up here, and always kind of hated it. Maybe now, I will find a reason to stay. I have no shortage of reasons to leave, but none of them are all that good.

I am anxiously looking forward to this opportunity for a new beginning. I have been needing a breath of freash air for a long while now. This may be just what the doctor ordered.

APPLES & ORANGES

Observation 1
Apples and Oranges

I think that this entry will be the first of a five part series dedicated to a verbose rambling on the subject of something I know very little about. Women. Oh yeah, this should be fun. Not that I will reveal anything particularly profound, earth shaking, or even relevant. It is a good thing that I am not married right now, as anything I say could and would be held against me. This is why I like to sprinkle my conversations with words and phrases like 'breasts', 'nipples', 'ass', and "fish taco', in the hope that these things actually will be held against me. But, it is counterproductive in that the more I use these words and phrases in casual conversation, the less likely it is that I will ever see them again. That may be part of how the phrase "Life's a Bitch, and then you marry one" came about. Wait... don't rush in to Safeway to stock up on eggs and produce to throw at me yet. (I might like that, and you know Safeway will love the business!)

In truth, I am typing this now when I should in fact be working on my homework. Anything to avoid my responsibilities. But my homework is not a part of the curricula of an institution of higher learning. There are no grades, the deadlines are somewhat flexible, and you will find no female coeds (flexible or otherwise... DAMN!!) at my weekly class. But, due to circumstances, I am obliged to attend these classes, there are certain assignments I have to complete before I can "graduate", and I am actually learning quite a bit in spite of myself. It really is too bad about the lack of flexible female coeds though! It is probably for the best I suppose since what brought myself and the other men together in the first place was our relationships with women. Why is it that something with the promise of so much fun turns out to be such a pain in the butt? I mean, here we are, everything is going along, status quo, we have our jobs, our buddies, and Monday Night Football and things are good. We are the masters of our own lives, until one day something new crosses our field of vision, and we willingly run away from everything we know to get a closer look. We barely glance back at our buddies who in our absence are still quaffing mass quantities of our beer while watching our big screen tv, and who barely notice we are gone until the beer runs out or the game is over (whichever comes first). Nope... our buddies may drink and eat us out of house and home, and burn a hole in our sofa while trying to light a fart, but they will still be our buddies later, so we run after this new thing forgetting all about our buddies for awhile.

Then we catch up to the target of our distraction, only to find out that not only do they look good, much softer than our buddies... well, maybe with the exception of Frank... and they smell so good..... intoxicating even.... that all reason (the little we had in the first place) leaves us. We haphazardly throw all caution to the wind and begin to behave even more stupidly than we do normally.

Around our buddies, we are free to be our normal disgusting selves. We scratch, we belch, we scratch again. We laugh at farts, doggoneit! They are funny after all. They are fun. According to George Carlin, they are "Shit without the mess". We lie about our conquests with great abandon since our buddies all know that we are full of shit anyway, it really does not matter. They will never think any less of us if we lie about sex. After all, they do it too! But the problem with lying about sex to our buddies is that sooner or later, we have to at least make an effort to hang with someone with a higher voice than ours. Someone besides Frank that is. It does not matter how cute he looks in polyester, he is after all a buddy, and we overlook such things, right? Okay, maybe not. But if not for Frank, we’d have no one to duct tape to the fridge door in the garage. Don’t worry… he likes it. Besides, as the only one of us who is married and therefore the only one of us who actually gets stank on the hang low with any regularity, he deserves the abuse. Fucking Frank!

As I am writing this, it occurs to me that I may be just a little over the top. I think that a couple things might happen. One, this is intended to be funny, but may possibly offend one or two people with higher voices than mine. (Frank not withstanding) To them, because I am basking in the relative safety of the internet, I say “get over it!” I kinda want the reaction. In person, I am fairly outspoken, but incredibly shy about certain things. I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut, and spend a lot of time dining on “filet o Birk”. But it occurred to me today, why not write? Put it out there online, maybe amuse a few people, and channel my humor to the internet where it may get me in less trouble at home. Besides, maybe if I do catch the attention of the public, find myself an audience, maybe I can share some of the more serious stuff too. I would like to think that there is more to me than meets the eye, and that I have a lot of stuff to offer people. Two, my biggest concern, I may find myself in trouble with people I do not know. My family and friends are more or less accustomed to the weird, off the wall shit that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis. Hopefully more people are entertained than not. Remember, the comments are available to everyone, and I have posted my email, so there really is no excuse why you cannot share your thoughts as well. Looking forward to hearing from each of you.